In defense of the low-sex-drive partner

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In all the discussion about how often couples have sex and how much is normal/to be expected, I think it's important that both sides be understood. I am a DW with a low sex drive (thanks to some medicines I take.) Before I took these medicines I really loved sex. However, it's so hard for me now. I really do my best but if I'm not aroused, sex isn't just perfunctory, it's downright painful. There are times when I enjoy it but there are also times where I just pray it ends quickly because it hurts (of course my DH would stop if I told him, but I am trying to meet his needs as well.)

I bring this up because when you aren't aroused, or aren't able to get aroused, it's hard to have sex. It's not just like a chore that takes effort. It is a physical and mental exercise - and it's frankly miserable if you aren't "in the mood."

Just my 0.02. (We probably have sex 2-3 times per month, FWIW.)

What if you drink a glass of wine and use lube? Have you tried porn?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In all the discussion about how often couples have sex and how much is normal/to be expected, I think it's important that both sides be understood. I am a DW with a low sex drive (thanks to some medicines I take.) Before I took these medicines I really loved sex. However, it's so hard for me now. I really do my best but if I'm not aroused, sex isn't just perfunctory, it's downright painful. There are times when I enjoy it but there are also times where I just pray it ends quickly because it hurts (of course my DH would stop if I told him, but I am trying to meet his needs as well.)

I bring this up because when you aren't aroused, or aren't able to get aroused, it's hard to have sex. It's not just like a chore that takes effort. It is a physical and mental exercise - and it's frankly miserable if you aren't "in the mood."

Just my 0.02. (We probably have sex 2-3 times per month, FWIW.)

What if you drink a glass of wine and use lube? Have you tried porn?

Have you discussed the pain with your doctor?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see your point pp (don't necessarily agree though), but I would contend that it's not even as simple as something like one partner wants kids and the other doesn't. It seems more like they both agree and one changes their mind a few years into the marriage. Most of these stories of low drive spouses don't start off as mismatched couples. They seem to start off on the same page, then one partner changes their mind. Kind of like bait and switch.

NP here. I am now entirely convinced that not only do you not grasp analogy, but that you have not been married for a long time (15+ years).

You are most likely a male -- thought some females do use the "bait/switch" terminology.

Sorry to burst your bubble. You're wrong on all counts.

There's no point arguing with someone who frames this as "changing their mind." Like you decided one thing, then decided the opposite. If someone thinks that's all it is--and you could just change your mind back, except you don't want to-- then you might be better off divorced, because this person is not mature enough to handle a long term relationship which will have ups and downs. (That's why they are mentioned so prominently in the marriage vows--better or worse, sickness and in health, richer or poorer....). If they think you're a bad spouse for having less frequent sex after 10 years, this is not a person you want to count on when the real shit happens.

Ok, changes their mindset. Changes their attitude toward sex. Changes their perception about sex. If it's a psychological issue, is that not what's happening? Good sex doesn't just happen to lucky people. You have to work at it to keep it good. When a partner doesn't want to put in that effort anymore, how else would you phrase it? I wasn't intending to get hung up on semantics but really, isn't the issue that they've changed how much value they place on sex?

I also wonder about spouses who won't put any effort into sex. Will they put effort into the marriage when the real shit happens when they can't even put effort into the marriage bed?

And again, we're not talking about a little less sex, which is natural. We're talkig about significant declines over time. [/quote

Depends on what you mean by "significant declines." 1x/week is perfectly average and normal for a married couple, so if you're labeling that as "not putting any effort into sex" then I think you are off base. If what you want is to go from 1x/week to every day - well that is more than "effort". I don't really know what you mean by "value placed on sex." How much you want to have sex is not really a values-based phenomenon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see your point pp (don't necessarily agree though), but I would contend that it's not even as simple as something like one partner wants kids and the other doesn't. It seems more like they both agree and one changes their mind a few years into the marriage. Most of these stories of low drive spouses don't start off as mismatched couples. They seem to start off on the same page, then one partner changes their mind. Kind of like bait and switch.

NP here. I am now entirely convinced that not only do you not grasp analogy, but that you have not been married for a long time (15+ years).

You are most likely a male -- thought some females do use the "bait/switch" terminology.

Sorry to burst your bubble. You're wrong on all counts.

There's no point arguing with someone who frames this as "changing their mind." Like you decided one thing, then decided the opposite. If someone thinks that's all it is--and you could just change your mind back, except you don't want to-- then you might be better off divorced, because this person is not mature enough to handle a long term relationship which will have ups and downs. (That's why they are mentioned so prominently in the marriage vows--better or worse, sickness and in health, richer or poorer....). If they think you're a bad spouse for having less frequent sex after 10 years, this is not a person you want to count on when the real shit happens.

Ok, changes their mindset. Changes their attitude toward sex. Changes their perception about sex. If it's a psychological issue, is that not what's happening? Good sex doesn't just happen to lucky people. You have to work at it to keep it good. When a partner doesn't want to put in that effort anymore, how else would you phrase it? I wasn't intending to get hung up on semantics but really, isn't the issue that they've changed how much value they place on sex?

I also wonder about spouses who won't put any effort into sex. Will they put effort into the marriage when the real shit happens when they can't even put effort into the marriage bed?

And again, we're not talking about a little less sex, which is natural. We're talkig about significant declines over time.

Again, you're framing it likes its an active choice someone is making. We're talking about people NOT being interested in something. No one is thinking, I'd love to have sex but I"m going to withhold it because I don't think we should have sex as often. Good sex is a lot easier when you don't have young kids and you can just do it. It's a lot harder for many women to get the emotional and physical energy until the kids are more independent. Men act like nothing has changed except what the woman wants.

[Anonymous]

So what are these low drive partners doing to increase their drive? Are they hiring a sitter to have a night off to enjoy with their partners? Are they splitting childcare duties evenly so they're less overwhelmed? Are they taking a little me time to help recharge and be intimate? Seeking therapy to deal with their issues?

Or are they just waiting years upon years for things to fix themselves?

Maybe you didn't choose to lose interest, but if you're not making the choice to try to meet your partner halfway, and your partner is asking for more, then yes, you're choosing to be content with a low drive and leave your partner unhappy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Again, you're framing it likes its an active choice someone is making. We're talking about people NOT being interested in something. No one is thinking, I'd love to have sex but I"m going to withhold it because I don't think we should have sex as often. Good sex is a lot easier when you don't have young kids and you can just do it. It's a lot harder for many women to get the emotional and physical energy until the kids are more independent. Men act like nothing has changed except what the woman wants.

I just don't get how you can have the time and energy to, say, rearrange the furniture but can't be bothered to, say, take 20 minutes to read erotica if that's what you need to get fired up.

Now, if you never ever get aroused no matter what you try or if your energy is all devoted to things that are truly necessary, I can absolutely understand that. But focusing on low level wants you might have while letting your sex life sputter makes no sense to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's my question for LD folks (not OP whose condition is medical). Take a PP poster's example who says post-menopause or whatever 10 years after the honeymoon phase is over a DW reverts into LD when she was HD during the first few years of the relationship. The HD husband decides he can't live without sex for the rest of his life and ends the relationship. Does DW really plan on never dating again? If she does plan do date again is she going to fire up her match.com account and honestly describe herself as LD to prospective new partners? I doubt it.

As a post-menopausal LD woman 30 years into the relationship, I would say that I would not plan on dating again should something happen to us. Now it might be different in reality, but those are my thoughts now.

My gyn said the quickest way to rekindle a low libido after menopause is actually a new partner. The excitement of something new gets the fires burning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Again, you're framing it likes its an active choice someone is making. We're talking about people NOT being interested in something. No one is thinking, I'd love to have sex but I"m going to withhold it because I don't think we should have sex as often. Good sex is a lot easier when you don't have young kids and you can just do it. It's a lot harder for many women to get the emotional and physical energy until the kids are more independent. Men act like nothing has changed except what the woman wants.

You're framing it like you are a helpless victim in how you prioritize your own life.
I can decide to have sex, or not. This is entirely MY choice.
If I consistently chose to NOT have sex, resulting in a far lower frequency than earlier in the relationship, and if my partner is unhappy with this reduction, then essentially I have chosen to make my partner unhappy.
If I am "too tired" because I choose to focus 100% on self serving vain attempt to meet every last whim of my infinitely needy kids, well then I have chosen to give my marriage partner 0%.
Is that fair? Should my partner accept my unilateral decision to ignore his/her completely reasonable needs?
Or, should I invest just a thin sliver of time and effort (so miniscule that the kids won't even feel a pinch) into sustaining the intimate relationship that brought the marriage together and made these awesome kids possible?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Again, you're framing it likes its an active choice someone is making. We're talking about people NOT being interested in something. No one is thinking, I'd love to have sex but I"m going to withhold it because I don't think we should have sex as often. Good sex is a lot easier when you don't have young kids and you can just do it. It's a lot harder for many women to get the emotional and physical energy until the kids are more independent. Men act like nothing has changed except what the woman wants.

I just don't get how you can have the time and energy to, say, rearrange the furniture but can't be bothered to, say, take 20 minutes to read erotica if that's what you need to get fired up.

Now, if you never ever get aroused no matter what you try or if your energy is all devoted to things that are truly necessary, I can absolutely understand that. But focusing on low level wants you might have while letting your sex life sputter makes no sense to me.

Well, which is it-- do women get me time or not? Because whenever I did do anything I enjoyed, my husband would home it against me if didn't want to have sex that night. Maybe your wife enjoys rearranging the furniture. Maybe it's one if a thousand things she feels she needs to do to make the house run more efficiently. But I guess you get to judge everything she does through the lens of whether you consider it more or less important than sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Again, you're framing it likes its an active choice someone is making. We're talking about people NOT being interested in something. No one is thinking, I'd love to have sex but I"m going to withhold it because I don't think we should have sex as often. Good sex is a lot easier when you don't have young kids and you can just do it. It's a lot harder for many women to get the emotional and physical energy until the kids are more independent. Men act like nothing has changed except what the woman wants.

You're framing it like you are a helpless victim in how you prioritize your own life.
I can decide to have sex, or not. This is entirely MY choice.
If I consistently chose to NOT have sex, resulting in a far lower frequency than earlier in the relationship, and if my partner is unhappy with this reduction, then essentially I have chosen to make my partner unhappy.
If I am "too tired" because I choose to focus 100% on self serving vain attempt to meet every last whim of my infinitely needy kids, well then I have chosen to give my marriage partner 0%.
Is that fair? Should my partner accept my unilateral decision to ignore his/her completely reasonable needs?
Or, should I invest just a thin sliver of time and effort (so miniscule that the kids won't even feel a pinch) into sustaining the intimate relationship that brought the marriage together and made these awesome kids possible?

Whoever posted this should get a divorce, if you haven't already. My DH is unhappy about how infrequently we have sex, but he doesn't hate me.

[Anonymous]

"My gyn said the quickest way to rekindle a low libido after menopause is actually a new partner. The excitement of something new gets the fires burning. "

Burn, baby, burn!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Again, you're framing it likes its an active choice someone is making. We're talking about people NOT being interested in something. No one is thinking, I'd love to have sex but I"m going to withhold it because I don't think we should have sex as often. Good sex is a lot easier when you don't have young kids and you can just do it. It's a lot harder for many women to get the emotional and physical energy until the kids are more independent. Men act like nothing has changed except what the woman wants.

You're framing it like you are a helpless victim in how you prioritize your own life.
I can decide to have sex, or not. This is entirely MY choice.
If I consistently chose to NOT have sex, resulting in a far lower frequency than earlier in the relationship, and if my partner is unhappy with this reduction, then essentially I have chosen to make my partner unhappy.
If I am "too tired" because I choose to focus 100% on self serving vain attempt to meet every last whim of my infinitely needy kids, well then I have chosen to give my marriage partner 0%.
Is that fair? Should my partner accept my unilateral decision to ignore his/her completely reasonable needs?
Or, should I invest just a thin sliver of time and effort (so miniscule that the kids won't even feel a pinch) into sustaining the intimate relationship that brought the marriage together and made these awesome kids possible?

Whoever posted this should get a divorce, if you haven't already. My DH is unhappy about how infrequently we have sex, but he doesn't hate me.

I'm not reading hatred. Just frustration about being low priority to his spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Again, you're framing it likes its an active choice someone is making. We're talking about people NOT being interested in something. No one is thinking, I'd love to have sex but I"m going to withhold it because I don't think we should have sex as often. Good sex is a lot easier when you don't have young kids and you can just do it. It's a lot harder for many women to get the emotional and physical energy until the kids are more independent. Men act like nothing has changed except what the woman wants.

I just don't get how you can have the time and energy to, say, rearrange the furniture but can't be bothered to, say, take 20 minutes to read erotica if that's what you need to get fired up.

Now, if you never ever get aroused no matter what you try or if your energy is all devoted to things that are truly necessary, I can absolutely understand that. But focusing on low level wants you might have while letting your sex life sputter makes no sense to me.

Well, which is it-- do women get me time or not? Because whenever I did do anything I enjoyed, my husband would home it against me if didn't want to have sex that night. Maybe your wife enjoys rearranging the furniture. Maybe it's one if a thousand things she feels she needs to do to make the house run more efficiently. But I guess you get to judge everything she does through the lens of whether you consider it more or less important than sex.

Sex *that night*? You're talking about an entirely different question. There are 28-30 nights per month in my relationship where we don't have sex. She gets considerably more "me time" than that.

[Anonymous]

My DW is low drive. I have come to empathize with her. She really can't comprehend how it feels to be me, nor I her, but I try. She will generally let me have sex with her, but it is uninspiring, forced. I rarely do, but I will sometimes just as much because she feels really guilty if we have gone a week and we haven't had sex. She wants me to be happy, but no one can possibly be satisfied without a mutual partner.

We have decent sex about once per month. I have gone through the range of emotions, frustration, wanting to and briefly cheating, thinking about divorce, etc. She is a great mom, a fantastic wife in every other respect and an amazing person.

We are compatible in every other way, we laugh together, parent great, find each other attractive, support each other, but we are not and probably will never be on the same page sexually, which left when the kids came. Most of all, I find it sad that this crucial piece of a marriage is missing between us, which keeps us from having an otherwise wonderful marriage and life.

I have stopped blaming her, she is who she is, I am who I am. It's not a fault issue.

So I do have sympathy for the OP and her spouse. Unfortunately, her marriage, my marriage will suffer a slow death.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DW is low drive. I have come to empathize with her. She really can't comprehend how it feels to be me, nor I her, but I try. She will generally let me have sex with her, but it is uninspiring, forced. I rarely do, but I will sometimes just as much because she feels really guilty if we have gone a week and we haven't had sex. She wants me to be happy, but no one can possibly be satisfied without a mutual partner.

We have decent sex about once per month. I have gone through the range of emotions, frustration, wanting to and briefly cheating, thinking about divorce, etc. She is a great mom, a fantastic wife in every other respect and an amazing person.

We are compatible in every other way, we laugh together, parent great, find each other attractive, support each other, but we are not and probably will never be on the same page sexually, which left when the kids came. Most of all, I find it sad that this crucial piece of a marriage is missing between us, which keeps us from having an otherwise wonderful marriage and life.

I have stopped blaming her, she is who she is, I am who I am. It's not a fault issue.

So I do have sympathy for the OP and her spouse. Unfortunately, her marriage, my marriage will suffer a slow death.

I am a PP and could have written every word of this. I am a DW. You are not alone!