In defense of the low-sex-drive partner

[Anonymous]

In all the discussion about how often couples have sex and how much is normal/to be expected, I think it's important that both sides be understood. I am a DW with a low sex drive (thanks to some medicines I take.) Before I took these medicines I really loved sex. However, it's so hard for me now. I really do my best but if I'm not aroused, sex isn't just perfunctory, it's downright painful. There are times when I enjoy it but there are also times where I just pray it ends quickly because it hurts (of course my DH would stop if I told him, but I am trying to meet his needs as well.)

I bring this up because when you aren't aroused, or aren't able to get aroused, it's hard to have sex. It's not just like a chore that takes effort. It is a physical and mental exercise - and it's frankly miserable if you aren't "in the mood."

Just my 0.02. (We probably have sex 2-3 times per month, FWIW.)

[Anonymous]

So fine, don't have sex. Sounds like you have a legitimate excuse. BUT fie gods sake give your dh bjs. Sorry to be crass, but give your husband frequent xxx bjs that keep him content. Act like you're enjoying it or better yet, enjoy it.

[Anonymous]

It's nice that someone is addressing the other side of the conversation. What does your doctor suggest when you bring this up with them? Has he suggested trying other meds or any other alternatives?

[Anonymous]

And, what of the partner who doesn't have a pharmacology excuse? What if her libido wanes over the course of a 10, 20 year relationship because libido diminishes with age and a drop in estrogen?

Does she get understanding too?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In all the discussion about how often couples have sex and how much is normal/to be expected, I think it's important that both sides be understood. I am a DW with a low sex drive (thanks to some medicines I take.) Before I took these medicines I really loved sex. However, it's so hard for me now. I really do my best but if I'm not aroused, sex isn't just perfunctory, it's downright painful. There are times when I enjoy it but there are also times where I just pray it ends quickly because it hurts (of course my DH would stop if I told him, but I am trying to meet his needs as well.)

I bring this up because when you aren't aroused, or aren't able to get aroused, it's hard to have sex. It's not just like a chore that takes effort. It is a physical and mental exercise - and it's frankly miserable if you aren't "in the mood."

Just my 0.02. (We probably have sex 2-3 times per month, FWIW.)

I'm sorry you're going through this. Any HD partner should be understanding when a physical health issue is what's causing the lack of libido. PP also points out that you can try and at least appear eager to give HJ or BJ to husband to make up for the lack of drive you have for PIV. That said, I don't know that the overwhelming # of sexless/deadbedroom relationships are due to health issues. In cases where they are not, LD partners really are putting their HD partners in an unfair spot (i.e., you can only sleep with me, but only when i want to have sex). Unless LD partner was always LD and HD knew this going in, if not bait n switch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's nice that someone is addressing the other side of the conversation. What does your doctor suggest when you bring this up with them? Has he suggested trying other meds or any other alternatives?

Lowering the dose. Tried that. Didn't work. Smutty novels help, porn less so. But even so, I have to really find a fantasy to grip onto in my head to get into it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And, what of the partner who doesn't have a pharmacology excuse? What if her libido wanes over the course of a 10, 20 year relationship because libido diminishes with age and a drop in estrogen?

Does she get understanding too?

OP here. I think she should! I am not sure that people who don't suffer from low sex drives understand what it's like. When you aren't turned on sex is a whole other thing...

[Anonymous]

Here's my question for LD folks (not OP whose condition is medical). Take a PP poster's example who says post-menopause or whatever 10 years after the honeymoon phase is over a DW reverts into LD when she was HD during the first few years of the relationship. The HD husband decides he can't live without sex for the rest of his life and ends the relationship. Does DW really plan on never dating again? If she does plan do date again is she going to fire up her match.com account and honestly describe herself as LD to prospective new partners? I doubt it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's my question for LD folks (not OP whose condition is medical). Take a PP poster's example who says post-menopause or whatever 10 years after the honeymoon phase is over a DW reverts into LD when she was HD during the first few years of the relationship. The HD husband decides he can't live without sex for the rest of his life and ends the relationship. Does DW really plan on never dating again? If she does plan do date again is she going to fire up her match.com account and honestly describe herself as LD to prospective new partners? I doubt it.

As a post-menopausal LD woman 30 years into the relationship, I would say that I would not plan on dating again should something happen to us. Now it might be different in reality, but those are my thoughts now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's my question for LD folks (not OP whose condition is medical). Take a PP poster's example who says post-menopause or whatever 10 years after the honeymoon phase is over a DW reverts into LD when she was HD during the first few years of the relationship. The HD husband decides he can't live without sex for the rest of his life and ends the relationship. Does DW really plan on never dating again? If she does plan do date again is she going to fire up her match.com account and honestly describe herself as LD to prospective new partners? I doubt it.

As a post-menopausal LD woman 30 years into the relationship, I would say that I would not plan on dating again should something happen to us. Now it might be different in reality, but those are my thoughts now.

And there we have one answer to the "Why do men remarry younger women" thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In all the discussion about how often couples have sex and how much is normal/to be expected, I think it's important that both sides be understood. I am a DW with a low sex drive (thanks to some medicines I take.) Before I took these medicines I really loved sex. However, it's so hard for me now. I really do my best but if I'm not aroused, sex isn't just perfunctory, it's downright painful. There are times when I enjoy it but there are also times where I just pray it ends quickly because it hurts (of course my DH would stop if I told him, but I am trying to meet his needs as well.)

I bring this up because when you aren't aroused, or aren't able to get aroused, it's hard to have sex. It's not just like a chore that takes effort. It is a physical and mental exercise - and it's frankly miserable if you aren't "in the mood."

Just my 0.02. (We probably have sex 2-3 times per month, FWIW.)

I'm sorry you're going through this. Any HD partner should be understanding when a physical health issue is what's causing the lack of libido. PP also points out that you can try and at least appear eager to give HJ or BJ to husband to make up for the lack of drive you have for PIV. That said, I don't know that the overwhelming # of sexless/deadbedroom relationships are due to health issues. In cases where they are not, LD partners really are putting their HD partners in an unfair spot (i.e., you can only sleep with me, but only when i want to have sex). Unless LD partner was always LD and HD knew this going in, if not bait n switch.

In those cases where it's not due to a diagnosable medical issue, what do you suggest the LD spouse does about that? I mean, sure, they can just go along with it for the sake of the HD spouse, but is the HD spouse really going to be satisfied with sex where the LD spouse isn't really into it and just wants to get it over with? You can fake it sometimes (and I suspect that's often where the 2-3x a month comes in), but being expected to fake it 3-4x a week is putting the LD spouse in a pretty lousy spot as well. If a spouse is otherwise loving, caring, nurturing, etc., are you really going to divorce her over just sex? Because that's the only solution I see to what you've put forth. Even an open marriage, when entered into solely so one partner can get sex and not because it's something both spouses believe in philosophical, is likely to end there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In all the discussion about how often couples have sex and how much is normal/to be expected, I think it's important that both sides be understood. I am a DW with a low sex drive (thanks to some medicines I take.) Before I took these medicines I really loved sex. However, it's so hard for me now. I really do my best but if I'm not aroused, sex isn't just perfunctory, it's downright painful. There are times when I enjoy it but there are also times where I just pray it ends quickly because it hurts (of course my DH would stop if I told him, but I am trying to meet his needs as well.)

I bring this up because when you aren't aroused, or aren't able to get aroused, it's hard to have sex. It's not just like a chore that takes effort. It is a physical and mental exercise - and it's frankly miserable if you aren't "in the mood."

Just my 0.02. (We probably have sex 2-3 times per month, FWIW.)

I'm sorry you're going through this. Any HD partner should be understanding when a physical health issue is what's causing the lack of libido. PP also points out that you can try and at least appear eager to give HJ or BJ to husband to make up for the lack of drive you have for PIV. That said, I don't know that the overwhelming # of sexless/deadbedroom relationships are due to health issues. In cases where they are not, LD partners really are putting their HD partners in an unfair spot (i.e., you can only sleep with me, but only when i want to have sex). Unless LD partner was always LD and HD knew this going in, if not bait n switch.

In those cases where it's not due to a diagnosable medical issue, what do you suggest the LD spouse does about that? I mean, sure, they can just go along with it for the sake of the HD spouse, but is the HD spouse really going to be satisfied with sex where the LD spouse isn't really into it and just wants to get it over with? You can fake it sometimes (and I suspect that's often where the 2-3x a month comes in), but being expected to fake it 3-4x a week is putting the LD spouse in a pretty lousy spot as well. If a spouse is otherwise loving, caring, nurturing, etc., are you really going to divorce her over just sex? Because that's the only solution I see to what you've put forth. Even an open marriage, when entered into solely so one partner can get sex and not because it's something both spouses believe in philosophical, is likely to end there.

OP here. I don't think there's an easy answer to this at all. Re: my marriage, I do my damnedest to get myself in the mood and try to enjoy it because I know DH wants it so much and I love him. So far so good. I also think DH is accommodating me by not having sex as often as he'd like. We compromise, like people in marriages do.

But the whole reason I bring this up is that people need to understand it's hard (pardon the pun), really hard to have sex if you aren't aroused. I think there's a misconception that it's like giving a foot massage or scratching a back -- it's not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But the whole reason I bring this up is that people need to understand it's hard (pardon the pun), really hard to have sex if you aren't aroused. I think there's a misconception that it's like giving a foot massage or scratching a back -- it's not.

OP, I got taken to task on one of the LD vs. HD threads a while back for saying that sex should never be coerced or pressured. The counter argument is that forcing celibacy is "just as bad" as pressuring someone to have sex when they don't want to. I completely disagree that it's "just as bad." For the people who say, "just give blowjobs" I also disagree. Have you ever given someone a blowjob when you didn't want to?

I don't think that sex should be coerced. I don't think that it should be withheld and not discussed. If my partner does not want to have sex, he tells me and we talk about it. I get that it's a hard needle to thread, when people's desire levels are very different, but I do not think that coercion or pressure is ever an acceptable answer and if my husband said "You don't feel like having sex, so how about you just give me a BJ?" I would be furious/crushed/mortified.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In all the discussion about how often couples have sex and how much is normal/to be expected, I think it's important that both sides be understood. I am a DW with a low sex drive (thanks to some medicines I take.) Before I took these medicines I really loved sex. However, it's so hard for me now. I really do my best but if I'm not aroused, sex isn't just perfunctory, it's downright painful. There are times when I enjoy it but there are also times where I just pray it ends quickly because it hurts (of course my DH would stop if I told him, but I am trying to meet his needs as well.)

I bring this up because when you aren't aroused, or aren't able to get aroused, it's hard to have sex. It's not just like a chore that takes effort. It is a physical and mental exercise - and it's frankly miserable if you aren't "in the mood."

Just my 0.02. (We probably have sex 2-3 times per month, FWIW.)

I'm sorry you're going through this. Any HD partner should be understanding when a physical health issue is what's causing the lack of libido. PP also points out that you can try and at least appear eager to give HJ or BJ to husband to make up for the lack of drive you have for PIV. That said, I don't know that the overwhelming # of sexless/deadbedroom relationships are due to health issues. In cases where they are not, LD partners really are putting their HD partners in an unfair spot (i.e., you can only sleep with me, but only when i want to have sex). Unless LD partner was always LD and HD knew this going in, if not bait n switch.

In those cases where it's not due to a diagnosable medical issue, what do you suggest the LD spouse does about that? I mean, sure, they can just go along with it for the sake of the HD spouse, but is the HD spouse really going to be satisfied with sex where the LD spouse isn't really into it and just wants to get it over with? You can fake it sometimes (and I suspect that's often where the 2-3x a month comes in), but being expected to fake it 3-4x a week is putting the LD spouse in a pretty lousy spot as well. If a spouse is otherwise loving, caring, nurturing, etc., are you really going to divorce her over just sex? Because that's the only solution I see to what you've put forth. Even an open marriage, when entered into solely so one partner can get sex and not because it's something both spouses believe in philosophical, is likely to end there.

What differentiates a romantic relationship from a platonic one? Also, if it's "just sex" then why would the LD care about monogamy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But the whole reason I bring this up is that people need to understand it's hard (pardon the pun), really hard to have sex if you aren't aroused. I think there's a misconception that it's like giving a foot massage or scratching a back -- it's not.

OP, I got taken to task on one of the LD vs. HD threads a while back for saying that sex should never be coerced or pressured. The counter argument is that forcing celibacy is "just as bad" as pressuring someone to have sex when they don't want to. I completely disagree that it's "just as bad." For the people who say, "just give blowjobs" I also disagree. Have you ever given someone a blowjob when you didn't want to?

I don't think that sex should be coerced. I don't think that it should be withheld and not discussed. If my partner does not want to have sex, he tells me and we talk about it. I get that it's a hard needle to thread, when people's desire levels are very different, but I do not think that coercion or pressure is ever an acceptable answer and if my husband said "You don't feel like having sex, so how about you just give me a BJ?" I would be furious/crushed/mortified.

Exactly. People have no idea.