In defense of the low-sex-drive partner

[Anonymous]

So if you won't even give a bj, are you okay with him going to a sex worker for some relief? If you have the understanding that you and your husband are monogamous, you shouldn't be furious/crushed/mortified if he asks you to take part in a sex act with him. If it bothers you that much, then you should be fair with him and let him get relief somewhere else if he needs to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In all the discussion about how often couples have sex and how much is normal/to be expected, I think it's important that both sides be understood. I am a DW with a low sex drive (thanks to some medicines I take.) Before I took these medicines I really loved sex. However, it's so hard for me now. I really do my best but if I'm not aroused, sex isn't just perfunctory, it's downright painful. There are times when I enjoy it but there are also times where I just pray it ends quickly because it hurts (of course my DH would stop if I told him, but I am trying to meet his needs as well.)

I bring this up because when you aren't aroused, or aren't able to get aroused, it's hard to have sex. It's not just like a chore that takes effort. It is a physical and mental exercise - and it's frankly miserable if you aren't "in the mood."

Just my 0.02. (We probably have sex 2-3 times per month, FWIW.)

I'm sorry you're going through this. Any HD partner should be understanding when a physical health issue is what's causing the lack of libido. PP also points out that you can try and at least appear eager to give HJ or BJ to husband to make up for the lack of drive you have for PIV. That said, I don't know that the overwhelming # of sexless/deadbedroom relationships are due to health issues. In cases where they are not, LD partners really are putting their HD partners in an unfair spot (i.e., you can only sleep with me, but only when i want to have sex). Unless LD partner was always LD and HD knew this going in, if not bait n switch.

In those cases where it's not due to a diagnosable medical issue, what do you suggest the LD spouse does about that? I mean, sure, they can just go along with it for the sake of the HD spouse, but is the HD spouse really going to be satisfied with sex where the LD spouse isn't really into it and just wants to get it over with? You can fake it sometimes (and I suspect that's often where the 2-3x a month comes in), but being expected to fake it 3-4x a week is putting the LD spouse in a pretty lousy spot as well. If a spouse is otherwise loving, caring, nurturing, etc., are you really going to divorce her over just sex? Because that's the only solution I see to what you've put forth. Even an open marriage, when entered into solely so one partner can get sex and not because it's something both spouses believe in philosophical, is likely to end there.

What differentiates a romantic relationship from a platonic one? Also, if it's "just sex" then why would the LD care about monogamy?

So your spouse is basically just a friend with benefits? Mine certainly isn't. I actually care about him on a deeper emotional level that I do my friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In all the discussion about how often couples have sex and how much is normal/to be expected, I think it's important that both sides be understood. I am a DW with a low sex drive (thanks to some medicines I take.) Before I took these medicines I really loved sex. However, it's so hard for me now. I really do my best but if I'm not aroused, sex isn't just perfunctory, it's downright painful. There are times when I enjoy it but there are also times where I just pray it ends quickly because it hurts (of course my DH would stop if I told him, but I am trying to meet his needs as well.)

I bring this up because when you aren't aroused, or aren't able to get aroused, it's hard to have sex. It's not just like a chore that takes effort. It is a physical and mental exercise - and it's frankly miserable if you aren't "in the mood."

Just my 0.02. (We probably have sex 2-3 times per month, FWIW.)

I'm sorry you're going through this. Any HD partner should be understanding when a physical health issue is what's causing the lack of libido. PP also points out that you can try and at least appear eager to give HJ or BJ to husband to make up for the lack of drive you have for PIV. That said, I don't know that the overwhelming # of sexless/deadbedroom relationships are due to health issues. In cases where they are not, LD partners really are putting their HD partners in an unfair spot (i.e., you can only sleep with me, but only when i want to have sex). Unless LD partner was always LD and HD knew this going in, if not bait n switch.

In those cases where it's not due to a diagnosable medical issue, what do you suggest the LD spouse does about that? I mean, sure, they can just go along with it for the sake of the HD spouse, but is the HD spouse really going to be satisfied with sex where the LD spouse isn't really into it and just wants to get it over with? You can fake it sometimes (and I suspect that's often where the 2-3x a month comes in), but being expected to fake it 3-4x a week is putting the LD spouse in a pretty lousy spot as well. If a spouse is otherwise loving, caring, nurturing, etc., are you really going to divorce her over just sex? Because that's the only solution I see to what you've put forth. Even an open marriage, when entered into solely so one partner can get sex and not because it's something both spouses believe in philosophical, is likely to end there.

What differentiates a romantic relationship from a platonic one? Also, if it's "just sex" then why would the LD care about monogamy?

So your spouse is basically just a friend with benefits? Mine certainly isn't. I actually care about him on a deeper emotional level that I do my friends.

Ah, I see you only elected to answer 1 of the 2 questions posed. If sex is "no biggie" and lack of sex is "no reason to leave a marriage" than surely sex outside of marriage is "no biggie." Also yes, minus sex, romantic relationships are platonic, by definition.

[Anonymous]

these threads are so f-in' depressing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In all the discussion about how often couples have sex and how much is normal/to be expected, I think it's important that both sides be understood. I am a DW with a low sex drive (thanks to some medicines I take.) Before I took these medicines I really loved sex. However, it's so hard for me now. I really do my best but if I'm not aroused, sex isn't just perfunctory, it's downright painful. There are times when I enjoy it but there are also times where I just pray it ends quickly because it hurts (of course my DH would stop if I told him, but I am trying to meet his needs as well.)

I bring this up because when you aren't aroused, or aren't able to get aroused, it's hard to have sex. It's not just like a chore that takes effort. It is a physical and mental exercise - and it's frankly miserable if you aren't "in the mood."

Just my 0.02. (We probably have sex 2-3 times per month, FWIW.)

I'm sorry you're going through this. Any HD partner should be understanding when a physical health issue is what's causing the lack of libido. PP also points out that you can try and at least appear eager to give HJ or BJ to husband to make up for the lack of drive you have for PIV. That said, I don't know that the overwhelming # of sexless/deadbedroom relationships are due to health issues. In cases where they are not, LD partners really are putting their HD partners in an unfair spot (i.e., you can only sleep with me, but only when i want to have sex). Unless LD partner was always LD and HD knew this going in, if not bait n switch.

In those cases where it's not due to a diagnosable medical issue, what do you suggest the LD spouse does about that? I mean, sure, they can just go along with it for the sake of the HD spouse, but is the HD spouse really going to be satisfied with sex where the LD spouse isn't really into it and just wants to get it over with? You can fake it sometimes (and I suspect that's often where the 2-3x a month comes in), but being expected to fake it 3-4x a week is putting the LD spouse in a pretty lousy spot as well. If a spouse is otherwise loving, caring, nurturing, etc., are you really going to divorce her over just sex? Because that's the only solution I see to what you've put forth. Even an open marriage, when entered into solely so one partner can get sex and not because it's something both spouses believe in philosophical, is likely to end there.

What differentiates a romantic relationship from a platonic one? Also, if it's "just sex" then why would the LD care about monogamy?

So your spouse is basically just a friend with benefits? Mine certainly isn't. I actually care about him on a deeper emotional level that I do my friends.

Ah, I see you only elected to answer 1 of the 2 questions posed. If sex is "no biggie" and lack of sex is "no reason to leave a marriage" than surely sex outside of marriage is "no biggie." Also yes, minus sex, romantic relationships are platonic, by definition.

If we're going to start scoring answers, you didn't exactly answer my questions either.

But no, I don't think it's "just sex," but I'm also not in a sexless marriage so perhaps those people feel differently. I'm worn out with small kids and being touched all freaking day, so yeah, I'm LD right now. My DH wishes I were more HD. The compromise is that we have sex about once a week (and I really do make an effort, I don't just lie there). He would rather it be more, I would rather it be less. If he went outside the marriage, that would absolutely be a violation to me.

People on this board act like LD spouses just don't care about their HD spouse's needs and have no interest in things being different. In my experience, both personally and through talking with friends about their marriages, that's not the case at all. For my close friends, it's either that they wish they were HD but can't seem to get there (in which case, again, what do you expect them to do? How many times a week do they have to fake it? Can they just lie there like a blow up doll when they've hit their limit on effort?), or their marriages are in shitty places and they don't want to have sex because they're really angry with their husbands. No one is just saying, eh, I don't feel like it, he'll have to live in a sexless marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So if you won't even give a bj, are you okay with him going to a sex worker for some relief? If you have the understanding that you and your husband are monogamous, you shouldn't be furious/crushed/mortified if he asks you to take part in a sex act with him. If it bothers you that much, then you should be fair with him and let him get relief somewhere else if he needs to.

It's called masturbation.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand the pp who says forcing a spouse into celibacy is less bad than trying to get a dl partner to have more sex. Dictating when someone else has sex is selfish, whether it's more or less than than the person would choose for themselves.

I wonder if those of you who are saying how it feels to be asked for sex too often hurts, or you'd be crushed if DH asked for a bj if you can't bring yourself to have sex with him, hae considered how it feels to be constantly rejected. My self esteem has taken a nose dive from it. It's affecting our relationship in a million ways. I try my best to cover my frustration, disappointment, and resentment, but I know it shows through. For instance, we can have a great evening, then some lovely conversation after the kids are in bed, maybe some snuggling, then nothing.

It's gotten to the point where I don't initiate anymore because the rejection brings me to tears now. DH doesn't see anything wrong with 2-3x a month. I'm just playing along, pretending I'm happy, feeling trapped because I don't want to tear our family apart, wasting all my good years, knowing that when I can get out without ruining my children's childhood I'll be too old to have what's being denied to me now.

If you asked him, he'd say I'm understanding about the lack of sex. Maybe a little disappointed but how bad can it be. It's just sex, right?

[Anonymous]

^^^dl should have been LD

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So if you won't even give a bj, are you okay with him going to a sex worker for some relief? If you have the understanding that you and your husband are monogamous, you shouldn't be furious/crushed/mortified if he asks you to take part in a sex act with him. If it bothers you that much, then you should be fair with him and let him get relief somewhere else if he needs to.

It's called masturbation.

Lol because that's totally the same thing as being touched and satisfied by the person you love most and who is supposed to love you too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So if you won't even give a bj, are you okay with him going to a sex worker for some relief? If you have the understanding that you and your husband are monogamous, you shouldn't be furious/crushed/mortified if he asks you to take part in a sex act with him. If it bothers you that much, then you should be fair with him and let him get relief somewhere else if he needs to.

It's called masturbation.

Lol because that's totally the same thing as being touched and satisfied by the person you love most and who is supposed to love you too.

Is that what you'd be doing with a prostitute? Because that's the question I was answering?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So if you won't even give a bj, are you okay with him going to a sex worker for some relief? If you have the understanding that you and your husband are monogamous, you shouldn't be furious/crushed/mortified if he asks you to take part in a sex act with him. If it bothers you that much, then you should be fair with him and let him get relief somewhere else if he needs to.

It's called masturbation.

Lol because that's totally the same thing as being touched and satisfied by the person you love most and who is supposed to love you too.

Is that what you'd be doing with a prostitute? Because that's the question I was answering?

Who said anything about a prostitute? Those aren't the only options- masturbation and prostitutes. There are a lot of people stuck in unhappy marriages who can help each other out if their spouses don't want to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand the pp who says forcing a spouse into celibacy is less bad than trying to get a dl partner to have more sex. Dictating when someone else has sex is selfish, whether it's more or less than than the person would choose for themselves.

I wonder if those of you who are saying how it feels to be asked for sex too often hurts, or you'd be crushed if DH asked for a bj if you can't bring yourself to have sex with him, hae considered how it feels to be constantly rejected. My self esteem has taken a nose dive from it. It's affecting our relationship in a million ways. I try my best to cover my frustration, disappointment, and resentment, but I know it shows through. For instance, we can have a great evening, then some lovely conversation after the kids are in bed, maybe some snuggling, then nothing.

It's gotten to the point where I don't initiate anymore because the rejection brings me to tears now. DH doesn't see anything wrong with 2-3x a month. I'm just playing along, pretending I'm happy, feeling trapped because I don't want to tear our family apart, wasting all my good years, knowing that when I can get out without ruining my children's childhood I'll be too old to have what's being denied to me now.

If you asked him, he'd say I'm understanding about the lack of sex. Maybe a little disappointed but how bad can it be. It's just sex, right?

I think it's a problem whenever anyone on either side (LD or HD) starts framing it in terms of something the other person is doing to them, rather than as a difference in needs and desires. One side isn't doing anything to their spouse any more than the other side is, but when either side starts criticizing and assigning blame, you're basically shutting down any possibility of finding a middle ground.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand the pp who says forcing a spouse into celibacy is less bad than trying to get a dl partner to have more sex. Dictating when someone else has sex is selfish, whether it's more or less than than the person would choose for themselves.

I wonder if those of you who are saying how it feels to be asked for sex too often hurts, or you'd be crushed if DH asked for a bj if you can't bring yourself to have sex with him, hae considered how it feels to be constantly rejected. My self esteem has taken a nose dive from it. It's affecting our relationship in a million ways. I try my best to cover my frustration, disappointment, and resentment, but I know it shows through. For instance, we can have a great evening, then some lovely conversation after the kids are in bed, maybe some snuggling, then nothing.

It's gotten to the point where I don't initiate anymore because the rejection brings me to tears now. DH doesn't see anything wrong with 2-3x a month. I'm just playing along, pretending I'm happy, feeling trapped because I don't want to tear our family apart, wasting all my good years, knowing that when I can get out without ruining my children's childhood I'll be too old to have what's being denied to me now.

If you asked him, he'd say I'm understanding about the lack of sex. Maybe a little disappointed but how bad can it be. It's just sex, right?

I think it's a problem whenever anyone on either side (LD or HD) starts framing it in terms of something the other person is doing to them, rather than as a difference in needs and desires. One side isn't doing anything to their spouse any more than the other side is, but when either side starts criticizing and assigning blame, you're basically shutting down any possibility of finding a middle ground.

There isn't middle ground in a sexless relationship

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So if you won't even give a bj, are you okay with him going to a sex worker for some relief? If you have the understanding that you and your husband are monogamous, you shouldn't be furious/crushed/mortified if he asks you to take part in a sex act with him. If it bothers you that much, then you should be fair with him and let him get relief somewhere else if he needs to.

It's called masturbation.

Lol because that's totally the same thing as being touched and satisfied by the person you love most and who is supposed to love you too.

Is that what you'd be doing with a prostitute? Because that's the question I was answering?

Who said anything about a prostitute? Those aren't the only options- masturbation and prostitutes. There are a lot of people stuck in unhappy marriages who can help each other out if their spouses don't want to.

I've bolded the question I was responding to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand the pp who says forcing a spouse into celibacy is less bad than trying to get a dl partner to have more sex. Dictating when someone else has sex is selfish, whether it's more or less than than the person would choose for themselves.

I wonder if those of you who are saying how it feels to be asked for sex too often hurts, or you'd be crushed if DH asked for a bj if you can't bring yourself to have sex with him, hae considered how it feels to be constantly rejected. My self esteem has taken a nose dive from it. It's affecting our relationship in a million ways. I try my best to cover my frustration, disappointment, and resentment, but I know it shows through. For instance, we can have a great evening, then some lovely conversation after the kids are in bed, maybe some snuggling, then nothing.

It's gotten to the point where I don't initiate anymore because the rejection brings me to tears now. DH doesn't see anything wrong with 2-3x a month. I'm just playing along, pretending I'm happy, feeling trapped because I don't want to tear our family apart, wasting all my good years, knowing that when I can get out without ruining my children's childhood I'll be too old to have what's being denied to me now.

If you asked him, he'd say I'm understanding about the lack of sex. Maybe a little disappointed but how bad can it be. It's just sex, right?

I think it's a problem whenever anyone on either side (LD or HD) starts framing it in terms of something the other person is doing to them, rather than as a difference in needs and desires. One side isn't doing anything to their spouse any more than the other side is, but when either side starts criticizing and assigning blame, you're basically shutting down any possibility of finding a middle ground.

There isn't middle ground in a sexless relationship

If one partner, on either side, isn't willing to compromise, you have a bigger relationship issue than just sex. So yes, demanding that a relationship be completely sexless is a problem, but so is deciding to have an affair or hire a hooker because you're not getting enough at home.