Complicated Issue: Best Way to Blend this Unique Family????

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Keep dating for another 2 years. then buy a new house together.

You can't simply move into dead mother's bedroom. don't you think that would put a huge damper on your relationship with your SO nevermind his children? it is very weird that you are even thinking about doing that.

Trust me. That is an issue for me and one that I brought to the table. Dead mother's bedroom. Cooking in her kitchen. Yeah, just moving into the home that she decorated for her family. Oh yeah, that's just one more thing to consider.

But I love the house though. It's palatial. And it's easier than ripping them from their family home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP:

Don't you think that this man's children should be prioritized in this situation? He's not thinking clearly, but YOU are not whipsawed by grief, so perhaps you should think about what would be best for his girls? How do you think he will feel about you, years from now, when he realizes that he harmed his relationship with his girls by moving ahead too quickly with you?

1. You acknowledge that his girls, who are grieving their not-long-dead mom, are disturbed by the situation. You wrote (about this man's daughters) that "they're not terribly excited about another woman entering the picture--much less the home." Yet you don't care. You want what you want, and you're not bothered by the way this may harm vulnerable young girls who are grieving their dead mother.

2. You acknowledge that your ideal situation would be that in which his girls all move out: You wrote: "Having all 3 away at college would be ideal." I pity these girls. They will never feel comfortable coming home for Thanksgiving or any other holiday.

3. You HOPE that your presence will make his girls too uncomfortable to return often to their home: you wrote: "...like most college students they may become so absorbed with their own lives that they really won't care what their father and I do. Or who knows, having a stepmother move in may make dorm living look really good."

4. You don't care about these girls. You want them gone so that you can move in and take over their dead mother's home.

5. The girls can perceive your feelings about them. They sense that you don't want them.

6. Some women could turn into a caring, supportive friend for these children. You, however, are going to cause them a lot of hurt.

+1. Sorry this man is lonely, but his children's feelings matter too. Your true intentions are all too clear, OP-- to get their dad and their childhood home, and get them out of the picture as soon as possible. They will know, and they will make your marriage a disaster. It's hard enough being a stepparent, even of college students, without trampling over their grief. How sad that if they lost their one surviving parent, they would lose their childhood home as well.

Why don't you just keep dating and let the rest of this go for a while.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother remarried less than 3 months after my father died. My stepfather ran through my father's estate, including life insurance that was intended for his kids' education, in about a year. He gave his own kids a lot of the money. Then he started beating my mother. They divorced and my mother married a decent man. But, my mother's relationship with her kids was forever changed.

When my husband suddenly died, I knew what NOT to do as a widow with kids. I came to understand that my mother remarried quickly to escape grief and loneliness.

3 months??? Did she already know this guy or did she meet him at the funeral.

And while it's hard not to, people, try not to project YOUR personal history on MY current present. The anecdotes are useful but let's be real: They really have nothing to do with me and my situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Keep dating for another 2 years. then buy a new house together.

You can't simply move into dead mother's bedroom. don't you think that would put a huge damper on your relationship with your SO nevermind his children? it is very weird that you are even thinking about doing that.

Trust me. That is an issue for me and one that I brought to the table. Dead mother's bedroom. Cooking in her kitchen. Yeah, just moving into the home that she decorated for her family. Oh yeah, that's just one more thing to consider.

But I love the house though. It's palatial. And it's easier than ripping them from their family home.

So don't do either. It's not like you don't have a choice here. You're both being selfish. Just date him, what on earth is wrong with that? If you are planning to wait a long time before moving in, then you can think about the finances of how you get their home for yourself later. Even two or three years is the blink of an eye to a motherless teenage girl. It's a very sensitive age. You are being unrealistic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP:

Don't you think that this man's children should be prioritized in this situation? He's not thinking clearly, but YOU are not whipsawed by grief, so perhaps you should think about what would be best for his girls? How do you think he will feel about you, years from now, when he realizes that he harmed his relationship with his girls by moving ahead too quickly with you?

1. You acknowledge that his girls, who are grieving their not-long-dead mom, are disturbed by the situation. You wrote (about this man's daughters) that "they're not terribly excited about another woman entering the picture--much less the home." Yet you don't care. You want what you want, and you're not bothered by the way this may harm vulnerable young girls who are grieving their dead mother.

2. You acknowledge that your ideal situation would be that in which his girls all move out: You wrote: "Having all 3 away at college would be ideal." I pity these girls. They will never feel comfortable coming home for Thanksgiving or any other holiday.

3. You HOPE that your presence will make his girls too uncomfortable to return often to their home: you wrote: "...like most college students they may become so absorbed with their own lives that they really won't care what their father and I do. Or who knows, having a stepmother move in may make dorm living look really good."

4. You don't care about these girls. You want them gone so that you can move in and take over their dead mother's home.

5. The girls can perceive your feelings about them. They sense that you don't want them.

6. Some women could turn into a caring, supportive friend for these children. You, however, are going to cause them a lot of hurt.

+1. Sorry this man is lonely, but his children's feelings matter too. Your true intentions are all too clear, OP-- to get their dad and their childhood home, and get them out of the picture as soon as possible. They will know, and they will make your marriage a disaster. It's hard enough being a stepparent, even of college students, without trampling over their grief. How sad that if they lost their one surviving parent, they would lose their childhood home as well.

Why don't you just keep dating and let the rest of this go for a while.

OP here...For some reason the bolded made me LOL!

Thanks for sharing your views.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP:

Don't you think that this man's children should be prioritized in this situation? He's not thinking clearly, but YOU are not whipsawed by grief, so perhaps you should think about what would be best for his girls? How do you think he will feel about you, years from now, when he realizes that he harmed his relationship with his girls by moving ahead too quickly with you?

1. You acknowledge that his girls, who are grieving their not-long-dead mom, are disturbed by the situation. You wrote (about this man's daughters) that "they're not terribly excited about another woman entering the picture--much less the home." Yet you don't care. You want what you want, and you're not bothered by the way this may harm vulnerable young girls who are grieving their dead mother.

2. You acknowledge that your ideal situation would be that in which his girls all move out: You wrote: "Having all 3 away at college would be ideal." I pity these girls. They will never feel comfortable coming home for Thanksgiving or any other holiday.

3. You HOPE that your presence will make his girls too uncomfortable to return often to their home: you wrote: "...like most college students they may become so absorbed with their own lives that they really won't care what their father and I do. Or who knows, having a stepmother move in may make dorm living look really good."

4. You don't care about these girls. You want them gone so that you can move in and take over their dead mother's home.

5. The girls can perceive your feelings about them. They sense that you don't want them.

6. Some women could turn into a caring, supportive friend for these children. You, however, are going to cause them a lot of hurt.

+1. Sorry this man is lonely, but his children's feelings matter too. Your true intentions are all too clear, OP-- to get their dad and their childhood home, and get them out of the picture as soon as possible. They will know, and they will make your marriage a disaster. It's hard enough being a stepparent, even of college students, without trampling over their grief. How sad that if they lost their one surviving parent, they would lose their childhood home as well.

Why don't you just keep dating and let the rest of this go for a while.

OP here...For some reason the bolded made me LOL!

Thanks for sharing your views.

I'm glad their grief is so entertaining to you. They will love having you around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP:

Don't you think that this man's children should be prioritized in this situation? He's not thinking clearly, but YOU are not whipsawed by grief, so perhaps you should think about what would be best for his girls? How do you think he will feel about you, years from now, when he realizes that he harmed his relationship with his girls by moving ahead too quickly with you?

1. You acknowledge that his girls, who are grieving their not-long-dead mom, are disturbed by the situation. You wrote (about this man's daughters) that "they're not terribly excited about another woman entering the picture--much less the home." Yet you don't care. You want what you want, and you're not bothered by the way this may harm vulnerable young girls who are grieving their dead mother.

2. You acknowledge that your ideal situation would be that in which his girls all move out: You wrote: "Having all 3 away at college would be ideal." I pity these girls. They will never feel comfortable coming home for Thanksgiving or any other holiday.

3. You HOPE that your presence will make his girls too uncomfortable to return often to their home: you wrote: "...like most college students they may become so absorbed with their own lives that they really won't care what their father and I do. Or who knows, having a stepmother move in may make dorm living look really good."

4. You don't care about these girls. You want them gone so that you can move in and take over their dead mother's home.

5. The girls can perceive your feelings about them. They sense that you don't want them.

6. Some women could turn into a caring, supportive friend for these children. You, however, are going to cause them a lot of hurt.

Please see my response at 13:16. I think your post deserves its own response but my 13:16 point pretty much addresses your points.

And please stop with the sanctimonious BS. There isn't a single parent alive with children heading off to college who aren't thrilled for the opportunity to date, love freely and kick their romantic pursuits up a notch. [b]That is entirely different from hoping that your presence as a step-mother will make his children uncomfortable enough that they prefer the dorms to coming home during holidays Do you think their mom also hoped they wouldn't come visit very often?. He was looking forward to the empty nest as a married man. Exactly. His situation changed recently, from married man to new widower. It has nothing to do with wanting [b]his kids out of the way, as I included my own DS in that count. (3 kids includes mine.)[/b] Oh, OK, so you were also hoping that your DS would not feel comfortable coming home from the dorms very often. Again, that is very different from hoping that your stepchildren find the presence of a stepmother enough to render the dorms preferable to visiting home. I think we're lucky to blend our family Well, isn't that nice that you think this. You admitted that his girls don't think so, so I guess we've established that your wants and desires trump theirs at the time that they're ALL OFF AT COLLEGE and we can focus on US!!!!!

[Anonymous]

PS, I'm sure your son will love giving up his childhood home for this fucked-up situation too. Sounds like a super happy home!

But hey, as long as you get to inherit it and kick the orphaned children out, you're getting what you want, and that's what matters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Keep dating for another 2 years. then buy a new house together.

You can't simply move into dead mother's bedroom. don't you think that would put a huge damper on your relationship with your SO nevermind his children? it is very weird that you are even thinking about doing that.

Trust me. That is an issue for me and one that I brought to the table. Dead mother's bedroom. Cooking in her kitchen. Yeah, just moving into the home that she decorated for her family. Oh yeah, that's just one more thing to consider.

But I love the house though. It's palatial. And it's easier than ripping them from their family home.

So don't do either. It's not like you don't have a choice here. You're both being selfish. Just date him, what on earth is wrong with that? If you are planning to wait a long time before moving in, then you can think about the finances of how you get their home for yourself later. Even two or three years is the blink of an eye to a motherless teenage girl. It's a very sensitive age. You are being unrealistic.

*Sigh*

SO and I have had the discussion about his children and their acceptance of his dating.

It really comes down to this: He has to live his life --while considering his children of course. But They simply cannot dictate when if ever he moves forward. Otherwise, the guy may not be "allowed" to marry until after they do!

Sorry but teenage girls simply do not get to control the lives of their parents--even if they are grieving the loss of their mothers. That's just life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP:

Don't you think that this man's children should be prioritized in this situation? He's not thinking clearly, but YOU are not whipsawed by grief, so perhaps you should think about what would be best for his girls? How do you think he will feel about you, years from now, when he realizes that he harmed his relationship with his girls by moving ahead too quickly with you?

1. You acknowledge that his girls, who are grieving their not-long-dead mom, are disturbed by the situation. You wrote (about this man's daughters) that "they're not terribly excited about another woman entering the picture--much less the home." Yet you don't care. You want what you want, and you're not bothered by the way this may harm vulnerable young girls who are grieving their dead mother.

2. You acknowledge that your ideal situation would be that in which his girls all move out: You wrote: "Having all 3 away at college would be ideal." I pity these girls. They will never feel comfortable coming home for Thanksgiving or any other holiday.

3. You HOPE that your presence will make his girls too uncomfortable to return often to their home: you wrote: "...like most college students they may become so absorbed with their own lives that they really won't care what their father and I do. Or who knows, having a stepmother move in may make dorm living look really good."

4. You don't care about these girls. You want them gone so that you can move in and take over their dead mother's home.

5. The girls can perceive your feelings about them. They sense that you don't want them.

6. Some women could turn into a caring, supportive friend for these children. You, however, are going to cause them a lot of hurt.

+1. Sorry this man is lonely, but his children's feelings matter too. Your true intentions are all too clear, OP-- to get their dad and their childhood home, and get them out of the picture as soon as possible. They will know, and they will make your marriage a disaster. It's hard enough being a stepparent, even of college students, without trampling over their grief. How sad that if they lost their one surviving parent, they would lose their childhood home as well.

Why don't you just keep dating and let the rest of this go for a while.

OP here...For some reason the bolded made me LOL!

Thanks for sharing your views.

Thank you for wasting our time, OP. You are something else.

[Anonymous]

And queue up the next post which will complain about her new hubby's spoiled, narcissistic, entitled daughters. This is a disaster waiting to happen. Those poor girls.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother remarried less than 3 months after my father died. My stepfather ran through my father's estate, including life insurance that was intended for his kids' education, in about a year. He gave his own kids a lot of the money. Then he started beating my mother. They divorced and my mother married a decent man. But, my mother's relationship with her kids was forever changed.

When my husband suddenly died, I knew what NOT to do as a widow with kids. I came to understand that my mother remarried quickly to escape grief and loneliness.

3 months??? Did she already know this guy or did she meet him at the funeral.

And while it's hard not to, people, try not to project YOUR personal history on MY current present. The anecdotes are useful but let's be real: They really have nothing to do with me and my situation.

I'm not the PP who shared the anecdote of her mother's remarriage, but I disagree that the anecdotes have nothing to do with you or your situation. People are telling you how they felt as children/teens when their parent moved on too quickly. Nobody has posted that they were thrilled when their parent quickly remarried after death of spouse.

Also, why did you post, asking for help, if you were going to take time discounting and refuting the advice and input?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP:

Don't you think that this man's children should be prioritized in this situation? He's not thinking clearly, but YOU are not whipsawed by grief, so perhaps you should think about what would be best for his girls? How do you think he will feel about you, years from now, when he realizes that he harmed his relationship with his girls by moving ahead too quickly with you?

1. You acknowledge that his girls, who are grieving their not-long-dead mom, are disturbed by the situation. You wrote (about this man's daughters) that "they're not terribly excited about another woman entering the picture--much less the home." Yet you don't care. You want what you want, and you're not bothered by the way this may harm vulnerable young girls who are grieving their dead mother.

2. You acknowledge that your ideal situation would be that in which his girls all move out: You wrote: "Having all 3 away at college would be ideal." I pity these girls. They will never feel comfortable coming home for Thanksgiving or any other holiday.

3. You HOPE that your presence will make his girls too uncomfortable to return often to their home: you wrote: "...like most college students they may become so absorbed with their own lives that they really won't care what their father and I do. Or who knows, having a stepmother move in may make dorm living look really good."

4. You don't care about these girls. You want them gone so that you can move in and take over their dead mother's home.

5. The girls can perceive your feelings about them. They sense that you don't want them.

6. Some women could turn into a caring, supportive friend for these children. You, however, are going to cause them a lot of hurt.

Please see my response at 13:16. I think your post deserves its own response but my 13:16 point pretty much addresses your points.

And please stop with the sanctimonious BS. There isn't a single parent alive with children heading off to college who aren't thrilled for the opportunity to date, love freely and kick their romantic pursuits up a notch. [b]That is entirely different from hoping that your presence as a step-mother will make his children uncomfortable enough that they prefer the dorms to coming home during holidays Do you think their mom also hoped they wouldn't come visit very often?. He was looking forward to the empty nest as a married man. Exactly. His situation changed recently, from married man to new widower. It has nothing to do with wanting [b]his kids out of the way, as I included my own DS in that count. (3 kids includes mine.)[/b] Oh, OK, so you were also hoping that your DS would not feel comfortable coming home from the dorms very often. Again, that is very different from hoping that your stepchildren find the presence of a stepmother enough to render the dorms preferable to visiting home. I think we're lucky to blend our family Well, isn't that nice that you think this. You admitted that his girls don't think so, so I guess we've established that your wants and desires trump theirs at the time that they're ALL OFF AT COLLEGE and we can focus on US!!!!!

Ummm...Your reading comprehension skills leave much to be desired.

At no point did I ever say I hope they don't want to come home for the holidays.

Perhaps you should reread the post.

Then you should probably get out of your feelings about a situation you know very little about.

You cannot gauge the needs, wants, grief of this family without having met even one of them. You.Just.Can't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Keep dating for another 2 years. then buy a new house together.

You can't simply move into dead mother's bedroom. don't you think that would put a huge damper on your relationship with your SO nevermind his children? it is very weird that you are even thinking about doing that.

Trust me. That is an issue for me and one that I brought to the table. Dead mother's bedroom. Cooking in her kitchen. Yeah, just moving into the home that she decorated for her family. Oh yeah, that's just one more thing to consider.

But I love the house though. It's palatial. And it's easier than ripping them from their family home.

Is this even real? Is it possible, OP, that you are really this self-centered? So basically, you understand how disturbing it will be for your to move into the dead woman's bed and house, to start using her kitchen, but you don't care because you "love the house"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP:

Don't you think that this man's children should be prioritized in this situation? He's not thinking clearly, but YOU are not whipsawed by grief, so perhaps you should think about what would be best for his girls? How do you think he will feel about you, years from now, when he realizes that he harmed his relationship with his girls by moving ahead too quickly with you?

1. You acknowledge that his girls, who are grieving their not-long-dead mom, are disturbed by the situation. You wrote (about this man's daughters) that "they're not terribly excited about another woman entering the picture--much less the home." Yet you don't care. You want what you want, and you're not bothered by the way this may harm vulnerable young girls who are grieving their dead mother.

2. You acknowledge that your ideal situation would be that in which his girls all move out: You wrote: "Having all 3 away at college would be ideal." I pity these girls. They will never feel comfortable coming home for Thanksgiving or any other holiday.

3. You HOPE that your presence will make his girls too uncomfortable to return often to their home: you wrote: "...like most college students they may become so absorbed with their own lives that they really won't care what their father and I do. Or who knows, having a stepmother move in may make dorm living look really good."

4. You don't care about these girls. You want them gone so that you can move in and take over their dead mother's home.

5. The girls can perceive your feelings about them. They sense that you don't want them.

6. Some women could turn into a caring, supportive friend for these children. You, however, are going to cause them a lot of hurt.

Please see my response at 13:16. I think your post deserves its own response but my 13:16 point pretty much addresses your points.

And please stop with the sanctimonious BS. There isn't a single parent alive with children heading off to college who aren't thrilled for the opportunity to date, love freely and kick their romantic pursuits up a notch. [b]That is entirely different from hoping that your presence as a step-mother will make his children uncomfortable enough that they prefer the dorms to coming home during holidays Do you think their mom also hoped they wouldn't come visit very often?. He was looking forward to the empty nest as a married man. Exactly. His situation changed recently, from married man to new widower. It has nothing to do with wanting [b]his kids out of the way, as I included my own DS in that count. (3 kids includes mine.)[/b] Oh, OK, so you were also hoping that your DS would not feel comfortable coming home from the dorms very often. Again, that is very different from hoping that your stepchildren find the presence of a stepmother enough to render the dorms preferable to visiting home. I think we're lucky to blend our family Well, isn't that nice that you think this. You admitted that his girls don't think so, so I guess we've established that your wants and desires trump theirs at the time that they're ALL OFF AT COLLEGE and we can focus on US!!!!!

Ummm...Your reading comprehension skills leave much to be desired.

At no point did I ever say I hope they don't want to come home for the holidays.

Perhaps you should reread the post.

Then you should probably get out of your feelings about a situation you know very little about.

You cannot gauge the needs, wants, grief of this family without having met even one of them. You.Just.Can't.

My reading comprehension is fine. You wrote: "...like most college students they may become so absorbed with their own lives that they really won't care what their father and I do. Or who knows, having a stepmother move in may make dorm living look really good."