Complicated Issue: Best Way to Blend this Unique Family????

[Anonymous]

First, regarding the speed with which this is happening, this sounds like both of you want to be married. But do you really want to be married to him? And he with you? I understand not wanting to date, etc, but this sounds like more of a legally bound friendship rather than a love story. I could be totally wrong, but something to think about.

Now, about the finances. As another person said, he can put in his will that the house goes to you while you're alive, and then to his kids. I think if he dies in 20 years you'll probably want to stay in that house. If he dies in two years you might want to go back to your house. So I wouldn't sell your house yet, if ever.

Finally, I think what you should definitely do before you move in with him is sit down with him and his kids and talk about this stuff. You're going to be their stepmother, even though they're grown, so you need to have a relationship with them. Talking about estate planning issues with them while he's alive is the best way to avoid bitterness and fighting after he dies. Also have the same conversation with him and your children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First, don't go into any conversations with defined solutions. You have some valid questions about handling finances. So that's the discussion you need to have - "do we need a prenup, what of our finances do we want to merge, what do we need to think about keeping in trust for our children" etc and not "put me on the house or else"

You currently don't have his house, you have yours. If this new marriage ends in one, ten, or thirty years, if you don't merge your stuff, that will still not change. You have made it clear that you don't want him having a piece of your stuff. Sounds like you're starting to think down the path of "what's mine is mine and what's yours is mine". Bad move - makes you sound like a gold digger. Are you?

My concern is not divorce. My concern is what if something happens to him and I'm seen as the step-mom living in their and their mom's house? Too many episodes of Judge Judy I guess.

I'd go to a lawyer for a pre-nup/estate planning. You could get a "life estate" for the house, so that in case, god forbid, something happened to him, you'd have the right to live in the house as long as you wanted to, and then it would go to the kids when you are gone.

I would tread carefully about moving in, though. Those girls are at a tender age to have lost their mother. A year is blip in their grieving process. This will only be their second Mother's day without her. They'd have to be incredibly emotionally mature to welcome you into the home with open arms, something 17 year olds aren't exactly known for.

OP here--

This is so true and another issue altogether. I'm certain they're really sweet girls as both my SO is and his late wife was but they're not terribly excited about another woman entering the picture--much less the home. But I'm not considering marrying next month and will not move in until we're married. SO and I are ready to plow full steam ahead but realize the girls need more time. Not only did they lose the mother they adored, but unlike SO, they don't know me. He and I have a 30 year--albeit choppy--history.

[Anonymous]

Per ups are perfect for this type is situation, meet with a lawyer and financial planner who can help you think through all of the issues.

[Anonymous]

Ugh, spell check. "Prenups".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First, don't go into any conversations with defined solutions. You have some valid questions about handling finances. So that's the discussion you need to have - "do we need a prenup, what of our finances do we want to merge, what do we need to think about keeping in trust for our children" etc and not "put me on the house or else"

You currently don't have his house, you have yours. If this new marriage ends in one, ten, or thirty years, if you don't merge your stuff, that will still not change. You have made it clear that you don't want him having a piece of your stuff. Sounds like you're starting to think down the path of "what's mine is mine and what's yours is mine". Bad move - makes you sound like a gold digger. Are you?

My concern is not divorce. My concern is what if something happens to him and I'm seen as the step-mom living in their and their mom's house? Too many episodes of Judge Judy I guess.

I'd go to a lawyer for a pre-nup/estate planning. You could get a "life estate" for the house, so that in case, god forbid, something happened to him, you'd have the right to live in the house as long as you wanted to, and then it would go to the kids when you are gone.

I would tread carefully about moving in, though. Those girls are at a tender age to have lost their mother. A year is blip in their grieving process. This will only be their second Mother's day without her. They'd have to be incredibly emotionally mature to welcome you into the home with open arms, something 17 year olds aren't exactly known for.

OP here--

This is so true and another issue altogether. I'm certain they're really sweet girls as both my SO is and his late wife was but they're not terribly excited about another woman entering the picture--much less the home. But I'm not considering marrying next month and will not move in until we're married. SO and I are ready to plow full steam ahead but realize the girls need more time. Not only did they lose the mother they adored, but unlike SO, they don't know me. He and I have a 30 year--albeit choppy--history.

Also don't dismiss the impact of that 30-year history on their feelings. You two dated, then he married their mom, you guys didn't talk for a while, then you picked up again in the last few years before their mom died and started dating/getting married awfully fast after their mom died. This is bound to raise questions for them about whether their dad always carried a torch for you and their mom was just second fiddle, which may make them feel betrayed by him on behalf of their mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First, regarding the speed with which this is happening, this sounds like both of you want to be married. But do you really want to be married to him? And he with you? I understand not wanting to date, etc, but this sounds like more of a legally bound friendship rather than a love story. I could be totally wrong, but something to think about.

Now, about the finances. As another person said, he can put in his will that the house goes to you while you're alive, and then to his kids. I think if he dies in 20 years you'll probably want to stay in that house. If he dies in two years you might want to go back to your house. So I wouldn't sell your house yet, if ever.

Finally, I think what you should definitely do before you move in with him is sit down with him and his kids and talk about this stuff. You're going to be their stepmother, even though they're grown, so you need to have a relationship with them. Talking about estate planning issues with them while he's alive is the best way to avoid bitterness and fighting after he dies. Also have the same conversation with him and your children.

Devil's advocate here--Would a loving, devoted father be willing to do this though? After all, he purchased the home with his 1st wife and built his family there. His precious darlings lose their mother. Of course he wants to leave something for his kids and this is pretty much all there is. Would he/a man really be okay with saying to his kids, "You're ass out. The home you grew up in, that your mother decorated for us will go to your step-mother".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, his wife died suddenly only a year ago and he's ready for you to move in with him? Red flag right there.

+1

Also, if you do move forward at some point, get a lawyer to draft a pre-nup and look at proposed arrangements.

Your SO wants everything as-is for him and for you to give up everything. WTF

[Anonymous]

Both of his kids are almost ready to leave the nest. I would wait until they are away at college to move in. They don't need any more upheaval. Long term you will probably have a better relationship if you don't have to live with them while they are in high school.

[Anonymous]

By all means take everything- wait till he ages and then bully him- it worked for my stepmother.

[Anonymous]

i agree with the PPs. since all the kids are growing up, just wait to marry/move in till all are in college at least or graduated and on their own at best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First, regarding the speed with which this is happening, this sounds like both of you want to be married. But do you really want to be married to him? And he with you? I understand not wanting to date, etc, but this sounds like more of a legally bound friendship rather than a love story. I could be totally wrong, but something to think about.

Now, about the finances. As another person said, he can put in his will that the house goes to you while you're alive, and then to his kids. I think if he dies in 20 years you'll probably want to stay in that house. If he dies in two years you might want to go back to your house. So I wouldn't sell your house yet, if ever.

Finally, I think what you should definitely do before you move in with him is sit down with him and his kids and talk about this stuff. You're going to be their stepmother, even though they're grown, so you need to have a relationship with them. Talking about estate planning issues with them while he's alive is the best way to avoid bitterness and fighting after he dies. Also have the same conversation with him and your children.

Devil's advocate here--Would a loving, devoted father be willing to do this though? After all, he purchased the home with his 1st wife and built his family there. His precious darlings lose their mother. Of course he wants to leave something for his kids and this is pretty much all there is. Would he/a man really be okay with saying to his kids, "You're ass out. The home you grew up in, that your mother decorated for us will go to your step-mother".

She's going to be raising them if he dies. The kids aren't getting kicked out. And they will reap the wealth of the house when she dies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Both of his kids are almost ready to leave the nest. I would wait until they are away at college to move in. They don't need any more upheaval. Long term you will probably have a better relationship if you don't have to live with them while they are in high school.

OP here--

Adding another little rub to this situation is the fact that DD1 will be going to a local college and living at home. *sigh* Your advice would be ideal but for the fact that we're looking at having at least 1 at home for college.

On another note, I wouldn't marry him for another year or two. By that time the youngest would at least be in her 1st year of college.

Having all 3 away at college would be ideal, but like most college students they may become so absorbed with their own lives that they really won't care what their father and I do. Or who knows, having a stepmother move in may make dorm living look really good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First, regarding the speed with which this is happening, this sounds like both of you want to be married. But do you really want to be married to him? And he with you? I understand not wanting to date, etc, but this sounds like more of a legally bound friendship rather than a love story. I could be totally wrong, but something to think about.

Now, about the finances. As another person said, he can put in his will that the house goes to you while you're alive, and then to his kids. I think if he dies in 20 years you'll probably want to stay in that house. If he dies in two years you might want to go back to your house. So I wouldn't sell your house yet, if ever.

Finally, I think what you should definitely do before you move in with him is sit down with him and his kids and talk about this stuff. You're going to be their stepmother, even though they're grown, so you need to have a relationship with them. Talking about estate planning issues with them while he's alive is the best way to avoid bitterness and fighting after he dies. Also have the same conversation with him and your children.

Devil's advocate here--Would a loving, devoted father be willing to do this though? After all, he purchased the home with his 1st wife and built his family there. His precious darlings lose their mother. Of course he wants to leave something for his kids and this is pretty much all there is. Would he/a man really be okay with saying to his kids, "You're ass out. The home you grew up in, that your mother decorated for us will go to your step-mother".

She's going to be raising them if he dies. The kids aren't getting kicked out. And they will reap the wealth of the house when she dies.

The kids are currently 17 and 18 YEARS-not months.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:i agree with the PPs. since all the kids are growing up, just wait to marry/move in till all are in college at least or graduated and on their own at best.

OP here--Definitely no plans to marry for another year or two. Younger D will be off to her first year of college in a year.

[Anonymous]

I don't see why you have to blend the finances at this stage of your life. He is paying for his house, right? Let him continue doing so, and let him retain the 100% ownership. You do the same with yours. You figure out a split for your daily incidentals like food and clothing. Done.