Complicated Issue: Best Way to Blend this Unique Family????

[Anonymous]

SO and I are both early 40's. He became a widow when his wife was killed in a car accident a little over a year ago, leaving him with a daughter who's heading to college in the fall and a 17 yo daughter who will be a senior next year. My DS is in his first year college out of state.

SO is past ready to move our relationship to marriage, but I have some practical concerns. He has a large family home on several acres and simply wants me to move in and begin a life with him. and his children. I can rent out or sell my home (leaning towards renting).

My question is how do I protect myself (financially) as his wife while being fair to our children? If something happens to him, I can imagine the kids wanting me out of "their" home and then going on as if I was never a part of their lives. After all, this is the home they shared with both of their parents until their mother's untimely death. If something happens to him 1, 10, 20 or 30 years down the road, where should that leave me????

It would be easier for him and his kids for me to simply move into their home instead of creating more disheaval for them. However, simply moving into a new home (neutral territory) would be better for me.

Should I demand my name is on the title to ensure my equity in the property? Simply keep my finances separate and not pay a dime towards the mortgage?

I told him I will not accept his proposal until we sit down and hash out the numbers and unromantic aspect of joining our families of young adult children.

On my end, I plan to leave my rental (and home I raised DS in) to my son. SO's house is worth 3 times more than mine.

SO does not need my income. He makes approx. 3 times more than I do and can obviously take care of his family without my help, but I plan to continue to work and don't know how I should approach handling our finances either.

Advice? Suggestions? Ideas? Anyone BTDT? Any legal eagles?

[Anonymous]

Wow, his wife died suddenly only a year ago and he's ready for you to move in with him? Red flag right there.

[Anonymous]

First, don't go into any conversations with defined solutions. You have some valid questions about handling finances. So that's the discussion you need to have - "do we need a prenup, what of our finances do we want to merge, what do we need to think about keeping in trust for our children" etc and not "put me on the house or else"

You currently don't have his house, you have yours. If this new marriage ends in one, ten, or thirty years, if you don't merge your stuff, that will still not change. You have made it clear that you don't want him having a piece of your stuff. Sounds like you're starting to think down the path of "what's mine is mine and what's yours is mine". Bad move - makes you sound like a gold digger. Are you?

[Anonymous]

Go to a financial planner together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Go to a financial planner together.

Oh and it's easy to write a will leaving the house to you as long as you are alive, then it passes to his kids. Or any variation on that. The very least you need to do is have substantial life insurance and very well thought out wills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, his wife died suddenly only a year ago and he's ready for you to move in with him? Red flag right there.

+1 It sounds like he's trying to pick up where he left off with her. It's very sad, but he's not over her. He fell in love again way too soon.

[Anonymous]

Existing properties should remain saprate. Property acquired during marriage should be divided equally among all children.

[Anonymous]

OP you're smart to have these concerns. Be resolute in your decision to delay marriage until these issues are resolved. I wish you well, but agree with PP that his rush toward engagement/having you move in to family home is suspect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, his wife died suddenly only a year ago and he's ready for you to move in with him? Red flag right there.

+1. This seems too soon. Is he terrified of being alone and trying to replace his late wife? How can he and his kids have had time to grieve? I would slow things down. Tread carefully.

[Anonymous]

This is actually a fairly common situation (not the details, but the blending of 2 families with children, assets, obligations), so a consult with a lawyer, even on your own OP, to get some basic information would be wise

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, his wife died suddenly only a year ago and he's ready for you to move in with him? Red flag right there.

+1 It sounds like he's trying to pick up where he left off with her. It's very sad, but he's not over her. He fell in love again way too soon.

OP here.

In the interest of full disclosure, we knew each other in HS, lost touch for a few years after graduation, loosely dated during junior year of college before he met his wife, lost touch for several years then reconnected and kinda stayed in touch for the last 5 years--Christmas cards, happy birthday texts.

Yes, he wants to be in a marriage. He was married 20 years and takes no pleasure in the dating world.

For my part, there is a sense that we're both older and at the stage in our lives where we realize it's about companionship, having someone we know and trust to grow old with. We both did the marriage and children thing in our 20s. The kids are practically adults and I simply look forward to settling down with a friend, building a home for the grandkids and place for our adult children to visit for the holidays.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First, don't go into any conversations with defined solutions. You have some valid questions about handling finances. So that's the discussion you need to have - "do we need a prenup, what of our finances do we want to merge, what do we need to think about keeping in trust for our children" etc and not "put me on the house or else"

You currently don't have his house, you have yours. If this new marriage ends in one, ten, or thirty years, if you don't merge your stuff, that will still not change. You have made it clear that you don't want him having a piece of your stuff. Sounds like you're starting to think down the path of "what's mine is mine and what's yours is mine". Bad move - makes you sound like a gold digger. Are you?

My concern is not divorce. My concern is what if something happens to him and I'm seen as the step-mom living in their and their mom's house? Too many episodes of Judge Judy I guess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Existing properties should remain saprate. Property acquired during marriage should be divided equally among all children.

But his property is not separate as long as I'm living in and paying towards the mortgage of it.

And at our age, we're not interested in acquiring new property during our marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First, don't go into any conversations with defined solutions. You have some valid questions about handling finances. So that's the discussion you need to have - "do we need a prenup, what of our finances do we want to merge, what do we need to think about keeping in trust for our children" etc and not "put me on the house or else"

You currently don't have his house, you have yours. If this new marriage ends in one, ten, or thirty years, if you don't merge your stuff, that will still not change. You have made it clear that you don't want him having a piece of your stuff. Sounds like you're starting to think down the path of "what's mine is mine and what's yours is mine". Bad move - makes you sound like a gold digger. Are you?

My concern is not divorce. My concern is what if something happens to him and I'm seen as the step-mom living in their and their mom's house? Too many episodes of Judge Judy I guess.

I'd go to a lawyer for a pre-nup/estate planning. You could get a "life estate" for the house, so that in case, god forbid, something happened to him, you'd have the right to live in the house as long as you wanted to, and then it would go to the kids when you are gone.

I would tread carefully about moving in, though. Those girls are at a tender age to have lost their mother. A year is blip in their grieving process. This will only be their second Mother's day without her. They'd have to be incredibly emotionally mature to welcome you into the home with open arms, something 17 year olds aren't exactly known for.

[Anonymous]

Everyone handles it differently. The two of you will need to come to agreements about your wishes. We are a blended family in every sense. We've been married well over 20 years. We immediately blended everything. Kids, money, ....everything. We had custody of all the kids so that made it much easier. Our money and property will be equally split between all five of our kids.

Not everyone does it this way. The important thing is that you reach agreements before you marry.