Complicated Issue: Best Way to Blend this Unique Family????

[Anonymous]

Omg, a year later, he is ready for marriage? This will not end well. Did he wait until his wife was cold before having sex with you? I'm disgusted. Those poor kids of his with all these changes. Too bad he is thinking with his penis.

Yuck.

[Anonymous]

I'm pretty disturbed reading this.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are so selfish, and I am so sorry for this man's children. You know that these children are not ready to have another woman move into the home they shared with their now-dead mother, and your first concern about this is...protecting yourself from them in the future if their dad dies, too?

If you love this man, you will tell him that, for the sake of maintaining a good relationship with his children, he needs to delay marriage/your moving in for a year or two and seek family counseling with the children to make sure they are adjusting OK and give them time to grieve. If this doesn't happen, he may lose one or all of them forever, and really mess them up in a lot of other ways.

But of course you only care about yourself, so better prepare for how you're going to keep those brats from taking advantage of you.

My own dad married a woman just like you a year after my mom died. It changed out relationship forever, and his wife made it clear that she regarded my brothers and I as annoying.

You are only in this man's children's lives because their mom is DEAD. Do you get that? You need to move slowly if you care about them, not move in right away. Why not just date the man AND get to know his children, earning their trust and allowing them time to grieve their dead mom before you plow in.

[Anonymous]

OP here--

First, thanks for all of the responses. Some really good practical ideas and other things to consider have been presented in this thread.

A few things:

1. My plan is to continue to date and not marry/move in for at least another year--likely two. I'm enjoying the freedom of my empty nest and strides I'm making in my career too much to dive head first into this. However, we both know what we want and where we're going with this.

2. I'm somewhat shocked to hear so many people say a year is too soon for him to move forward with another woman given that his in-laws have given him their blessings to do just that. Perhaps they saw how lonely he's been but his former wife's mother and brothers told him they were okay with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are so selfish, and I am so sorry for this man's children. You know that these children are not ready to have another woman move into the home they shared with their now-dead mother, and your first concern about this is...protecting yourself from them in the future if their dad dies, too?

If you love this man, you will tell him that, for the sake of maintaining a good relationship with his children, he needs to delay marriage/your moving in for a year or two and seek family counseling with the children to make sure they are adjusting OK and give them time to grieve. If this doesn't happen, he may lose one or all of them forever, and really mess them up in a lot of other ways.

But of course you only care about yourself, so better prepare for how you're going to keep those brats from taking advantage of you.

My own dad married a woman just like you a year after my mom died. It changed out relationship forever, and his wife made it clear that she regarded my brothers and I as annoying.

You are only in this man's children's lives because their mom is DEAD. Do you get that? You need to move slowly if you care about them, not move in right away. Why not just date the man AND get to know his children, earning their trust and allowing them time to grieve their dead mom before you plow in.

OP here. I'm so sorry to hear about your experience and wish you the best in someday moving forward. Clearly you're projecting your issues onto my situation--which has absolutely nothing to do with yours.

Sending e-hugs your way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here--

First, thanks for all of the responses. Some really good practical ideas and other things to consider have been presented in this thread.

A few things:

1. My plan is to continue to date and not marry/move in for at least another year--likely two. I'm enjoying the freedom of my empty nest and strides I'm making in my career too much to dive head first into this. However, we both know what we want and where we're going with this.

2. I'm somewhat shocked to hear so many people say a year is too soon for him to move forward with another woman given that his in-laws have given him their blessings to do just that. Perhaps they saw how lonely he's been but his former wife's mother and brothers told him they were okay with it.

It's lovely that the in-laws don't mind, but they're not the ones who have to live with you. It may not be too soon for the man to move forward, but it is likely to be too soon for the children. They have their own grief and seeing their father dating will likely be very, very difficult for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We're I in your shoes I would propose the following:

You keep your house.
You move in his, but agree that if something happens to him and the kids are over 21, then you will move out to wherever you want at that point, but you leave his house.

He puts "$x" per month aside for you, or an insurance policy where you are the beneficiary.

You are going to be negatively impacted by his tax rates, for example. Your combined taxes will mean where you used to get a refund, now you personally might not.

Things like this matter.

Everything earned going forward are joint...but you both need attys and an account to work out "fair" ahead of time.

You could end up married to him longer than his first wife.

Thank you so much for this post! It's practical and provides a BTDT perspective.

I really like your idea and plan to give it very serious consideration as it allows DH to still make provisions for me while leaving the property to his children. As you can imagine, it's not easy to just pick up and leave "his" house/our marital home and relocate if something were to happen to him. As you said, we could grow old together and 30+ years later, who wants to be in their 70's and forced to move from the home you shared with your spouse for 30 years just because you weren't there the first 20? (Of course, by that time a lot of dynamics would have changed, but...sooooo many things to consider.) Ain't love grand?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here--

First, thanks for all of the responses. Some really good practical ideas and other things to consider have been presented in this thread.

A few things:

1. My plan is to continue to date and not marry/move in for at least another year--likely two. I'm enjoying the freedom of my empty nest and strides I'm making in my career too much to dive head first into this. However, we both know what we want and where we're going with this.

2. I'm somewhat shocked to hear so many people say a year is too soon for him to move forward with another woman given that his in-laws have given him their blessings to do just that. Perhaps they saw how lonely he's been but his former wife's mother and brothers told him they were okay with it.

It's lovely that the in-laws don't mind, but they're not the ones who have to live with you. It may not be too soon for the man to move forward, but it is likely to be too soon for the children. They have their own grief and seeing their father dating will likely be very, very difficult for them.

I agree that it's lovely that the in-laws don't mind. But I think it's beyond lovely that they actually gave their explicit "consent" for him to move forward. While they don't have to live with me, they've spent a great deal of time with their my SO and grandchildren/neices to know whether or not the timing is appropriate.

Yes, there are many emotional factors involved in a situation like this, but SO and I are on top of those. It's the practical/unromantic/financial stuff that I haven't figured out.

I was surprised to read all of the "It's too soon!", "But the kids!" responses. While it is something to consider, you shouldn't act as if you know me, my SO or his girls better than I/we do!


Serious question: Just how long do you guys think you could go without companionship if your spouse died unexpectedly, suddenly leaving you alone to raise two teens?

Please don't judge until you've walked a mile in his shoes. You don't know the lonely nights he's faced suddenly sleeping in a bed alone every night after 20 years. Having no one to help co-parent two TEENAGED GIRLS (and you're a man!). Spending over a year consoling them but having no one to console you after they've gone to bed at night.

How long is he supposed to mourn?

[Anonymous]

OP:

Don't you think that this man's children should be prioritized in this situation? He's not thinking clearly, but YOU are not whipsawed by grief, so perhaps you should think about what would be best for his girls? How do you think he will feel about you, years from now, when he realizes that he harmed his relationship with his girls by moving ahead too quickly with you?

1. You acknowledge that his girls, who are grieving their not-long-dead mom, are disturbed by the situation. You wrote (about this man's daughters) that "they're not terribly excited about another woman entering the picture--much less the home." Yet you don't care. You want what you want, and you're not bothered by the way this may harm vulnerable young girls who are grieving their dead mother.

2. You acknowledge that your ideal situation would be that in which his girls all move out: You wrote: "Having all 3 away at college would be ideal." I pity these girls. They will never feel comfortable coming home for Thanksgiving or any other holiday.

3. You HOPE that your presence will make his girls too uncomfortable to return often to their home: you wrote: "...like most college students they may become so absorbed with their own lives that they really won't care what their father and I do. Or who knows, having a stepmother move in may make dorm living look really good."

4. You don't care about these girls. You want them gone so that you can move in and take over their dead mother's home.

5. The girls can perceive your feelings about them. They sense that you don't want them.

6. Some women could turn into a caring, supportive friend for these children. You, however, are going to cause them a lot of hurt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here--

First, thanks for all of the responses. Some really good practical ideas and other things to consider have been presented in this thread.

A few things:

1. My plan is to continue to date and not marry/move in for at least another year--likely two. I'm enjoying the freedom of my empty nest and strides I'm making in my career too much to dive head first into this. However, we both know what we want and where we're going with this.

2. I'm somewhat shocked to hear so many people say a year is too soon for him to move forward with another woman given that his in-laws have given him their blessings to do just that. Perhaps they saw how lonely he's been but his former wife's mother and brothers told him they were okay with it.

It's lovely that the in-laws don't mind, but they're not the ones who have to live with you. It may not be too soon for the man to move forward, but it is likely to be too soon for the children. They have their own grief and seeing their father dating will likely be very, very difficult for them.

I agree that it's lovely that the in-laws don't mind. But I think it's beyond lovely that they actually gave their explicit "consent" for him to move forward. While they don't have to live with me, they've spent a great deal of time with their my SO and grandchildren/neices to know whether or not the timing is appropriate.

Yes, there are many emotional factors involved in a situation like this, but SO and I are on top of those. It's the practical/unromantic/financial stuff that I haven't figured out.

I was surprised to read all of the "It's too soon!", "But the kids!" responses. While it is something to consider, you shouldn't act as if you know me, my SO or his girls better than I/we do!


Serious question: Just how long do you guys think you could go without companionship if your spouse died unexpectedly, suddenly leaving you alone to raise two teens?

Please don't judge until you've walked a mile in his shoes. You don't know the lonely nights he's faced suddenly sleeping in a bed alone every night after 20 years. Having no one to help co-parent two TEENAGED GIRLS (and you're a man!). Spending over a year consoling them but having no one to console you after they've gone to bed at night.

How long is he supposed to mourn?[u]

I don't know, but his children are not done mourning, so why can't he date without introducing her to his children at this stage? Family/friends generally support the widower, and they expect the children to also support the widower by accepting a new person in their mom's place whenever the man is ready to remarry. He has children, and while he can/will replace his wife, his children won't ever have a mom again: just read over the OP's posts and that is clear. He needs to stop being selfish and consider giving his girls a little more time. OP, you will have a happier, more secure marriage if you can secure the trust of his children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I don't think there is anything you should do now. Your friend is still in shock and not in his right mind, it's really unfair to him and his children to make any kind of financial decisions right now. I know you aren't pressuring him to do so, it's on his side, but if you truky care about this man you will save him from himself.

+1. A year is not enough for him or for these children. You are seriously considering moving into their house, sleeping in their mother's bed, using her kitchen, and basically just jumping into her shoes, so soon? That's not going to go well. And if you have a difficult relationship history with this guy, there is no guarantee that this marriage will work out-- especially with the children's fragile emotional state. Do everyone, including yourself, a favor and just keep dating.

I agree. Why can't you just wait a few years, until the grieving isn't so raw and the kids are older?

[Anonymous]

OP again!

Thanks again for the responses.

1. Please don't assume you actually know the people involved in this scenario and that you can accurately get a read on me, SO or his girls based on a few posts. People are much more complex than that. You guys know better.

2. Lots of assumptions are being made in this thread, but so many people are overlooking the fact that I have zero intentions of moving forward with marriage/moving in for at least a year--likely 2. In addition to giving consideration to the girls, I'm just having too much darned fun and like things the way they are.

3. SO is an amazing person and father. I'm also amazing. We're both concerned about the best interests of his children and are certainly taking them into consideration. If he didn't think I'd be good for his kids, trust me, he wouldn't even consider much less make plans to marry me.

All of the mushy emotional stuff aside, there are some very real practical and financial concerns that I have moving forward. It's on that I'm seeking advice because we've got the other stuff under control.

[Anonymous]

My mother remarried less than 3 months after my father died. My stepfather ran through my father's estate, including life insurance that was intended for his kids' education, in about a year. He gave his own kids a lot of the money. Then he started beating my mother. They divorced and my mother married a decent man. But, my mother's relationship with her kids was forever changed.

When my husband suddenly died, I knew what NOT to do as a widow with kids. I came to understand that my mother remarried quickly to escape grief and loneliness.

[Anonymous]

Keep dating for another 2 years. then buy a new house together.

You can't simply move into dead mother's bedroom. don't you think that would put a huge damper on your relationship with your SO nevermind his children? it is very weird that you are even thinking about doing that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP:

Don't you think that this man's children should be prioritized in this situation? He's not thinking clearly, but YOU are not whipsawed by grief, so perhaps you should think about what would be best for his girls? How do you think he will feel about you, years from now, when he realizes that he harmed his relationship with his girls by moving ahead too quickly with you?

1. You acknowledge that his girls, who are grieving their not-long-dead mom, are disturbed by the situation. You wrote (about this man's daughters) that "they're not terribly excited about another woman entering the picture--much less the home." Yet you don't care. You want what you want, and you're not bothered by the way this may harm vulnerable young girls who are grieving their dead mother.

2. You acknowledge that your ideal situation would be that in which his girls all move out: You wrote: "Having all 3 away at college would be ideal." I pity these girls. They will never feel comfortable coming home for Thanksgiving or any other holiday.

3. You HOPE that your presence will make his girls too uncomfortable to return often to their home: you wrote: "...like most college students they may become so absorbed with their own lives that they really won't care what their father and I do. Or who knows, having a stepmother move in may make dorm living look really good."

4. You don't care about these girls. You want them gone so that you can move in and take over their dead mother's home.

5. The girls can perceive your feelings about them. They sense that you don't want them.

6. Some women could turn into a caring, supportive friend for these children. You, however, are going to cause them a lot of hurt.

Please see my response at 13:16. I think your post deserves its own response but my 13:16 point pretty much addresses your points.

And please stop with the sanctimonious BS. There isn't a single parent alive with children heading off to college who aren't thrilled for the opportunity to date, love freely and kick their romantic pursuits up a notch. He was looking forward to the empty nest as a married man. It has nothing to do with wanting his kids out of the way, as I included my own DS in that count. (3 kids includes mine.) I think we're lucky to blend our family at the time that they're ALL OFF AT COLLEGE and we can focus on US!!!!!