When you are forced to let go of the dream you had for your child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here thank you for the replies. I hate to say I am often right but truthfully I am, when it comes to my kids. My son is a great and intelligent young man however he just turned 18 and that's just it, he is just 18. He lacks the wisdom and experience to really make a good decision here, one that could potentially affect and shape his future.

More than anything, it is the intellectual environment I think he will thrive in the most he really gets ignited when around that. So my husband has agreed that they will visit this coming week/weekend and then make an "educated decision" as we are running out of time. I appreciate the feedback.

And to anyone who thought my post in any way was making it seem like I think this is a first world problem, I absolutely do not. I realize this hardly qualifies for serious hardship but in the moment, yes to me its a big deal..seeing my son make a big mistake that I feel in my heart of hearts, and one I just cannot let go. It has everything to do with whats best for him and very little to do with me, even if you might not agree.

It's quite clear that you always think you are right because you have chosen not to answer a single question asked in this thread, such as why prestige--which you claim wasn't important to you when you were younger--has somehow become so important to you now, and why you think attending an Ivy school is so important given that you have parlayed your lowly state-school education into a life so brimming with blessings that you characterize something so ridiculous as a "problem" or something so benign as a "mistake."

It really does sound like your son is more intelligent than you are. Maybe you should listen to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here thank you for the replies. I hate to say I am often right but truthfully I am, when it comes to my kids. My son is a great and intelligent young man however he just turned 18 and that's just it, he is just 18. He lacks the wisdom and experience to really make a good decision here, one that could potentially affect and shape his future.

More than anything, it is the intellectual environment I think he will thrive in the most he really gets ignited when around that. So my husband has agreed that they will visit this coming week/weekend and then make an "educated decision" as we are running out of time. I appreciate the feedback.

And to anyone who thought my post in any way was making it seem like I think this is a first world problem, I absolutely do not. I realize this hardly qualifies for serious hardship but in the moment, yes to me its a big deal..seeing my son make a big mistake that I feel in my heart of hearts, and one I just cannot let go. It has everything to do with whats best for him and very little to do with me, even if you might not agree.

We have to let our children make their own mistakes- even when we "know" they are doing so. Otherwise they will never learn how to make decisions and live on their own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here thank you for the replies. I hate to say I am often right but truthfully I am, when it comes to my kids. My son is a great and intelligent young man however he just turned 18 and that's just it, he is just 18. He lacks the wisdom and experience to really make a good decision here, one that could potentially affect and shape his future.

More than anything, it is the intellectual environment I think he will thrive in the most he really gets ignited when around that. So my husband has agreed that they will visit this coming week/weekend and then make an "educated decision" as we are running out of time. I appreciate the feedback.

And to anyone who thought my post in any way was making it seem like I think this is a first world problem, I absolutely do not. I realize this hardly qualifies for serious hardship but in the moment, yes to me its a big deal..seeing my son make a big mistake that I feel in my heart of hearts, and one I just cannot let go. It has everything to do with whats best for him and very little to do with me, even if you might not agree.

It's quite clear that you always think you are right because you have chosen not to answer a single question asked in this thread, such as why prestige--which you claim wasn't important to you when you were younger--has somehow become so important to you now, and why you think attending an Ivy school is so important given that you have parlayed your lowly state-school education into a life so brimming with blessings that you characterize something so ridiculous as a "problem" or something so benign as a "mistake."

It really does sound like your son is more intelligent than you are. Maybe you should listen to him.

First, you have many of your "observations" totally wrong. Allow me to correct them-

I would have LOVED to attend an ivy, it was not in the cards mostly because of $$$. I was given a full scholarship to the school I attended, and did the best I could with what I had. But dont' think for a second had I had the opportunity to attend an Ivy, I wouldn't have (never pursued it as it was not a viable option).

I am no dummy, the networking possibilities and the sphere of influence that one will automatically be privy to in an ivy league school is unparallelled. You can try to argue with this from any which way, but I will never believe that any top state school can unequivocally offer the same degree of networking that an Ivy can. Maybe not fair but absolutely true so yes of course I want that for my son. And any parent that is going to be self righteous and say that is not important, frankly I do not believe. Its a dog eat dog world now more than ever, and any opportunity for a young adult to get one step ahead needs to be taken.

While I do not think him attending the school he is leaning towards is necessarily a mistake I do not think it will offer him everything I know he is ripe for taking advantage of and yes that includes being taught my world class professors, meeting people who will can ultimately help him post college and developing a successful network to help him once he graduates. I can honestly say it has the least to do with the name/prestige, you may choose to believe or not believe that, but everything I have stated here is truthful in my rationale as to why I feel so strongly about this.

[Anonymous]

First, you have many of your "observations" totally wrong. Allow me to correct them-

I would have LOVED to attend an ivy, it was not in the cards mostly because of $$$. I was given a full scholarship to the school I attended, and did the best I could with what I had. But dont' think for a second had I had the opportunity to attend an Ivy, I wouldn't have (never pursued it as it was not a viable option).

I am no dummy, the networking possibilities and the sphere of influence that one will automatically be privy to in an ivy league school is unparallelled. You can try to argue with this from any which way, but I will never believe that any top state school can unequivocally offer the same degree of networking that an Ivy can. Maybe not fair but absolutely true so yes of course I want that for my son. And any parent that is going to be self righteous and say that is not important, frankly I do not believe. Its a dog eat dog world now more than ever, and any opportunity for a young adult to get one step ahead needs to be taken.

While I do not think him attending the school he is leaning towards is necessarily a mistake I do not think it will offer him everything I know he is ripe for taking advantage of and yes that includes being taught my world class professors, meeting people who will can ultimately help him post college and developing a successful network to help him once he graduates. I can honestly say it has the least to do with the name/prestige, you may choose to believe or not believe that, but everything I have stated here is truthful in my rationale as to why I feel so strongly about this.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to seriously back off Op. You've raised a smart, capable young man. Have faith in him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First, you have many of your "observations" totally wrong. Allow me to correct them-

I would have LOVED to attend an ivy, it was not in the cards mostly because of $$$. I was given a full scholarship to the school I attended, and did the best I could with what I had. But dont' think for a second had I had the opportunity to attend an Ivy, I wouldn't have (never pursued it as it was not a viable option).

I am no dummy, the networking possibilities and the sphere of influence that one will automatically be privy to in an ivy league school is unparallelled. You can try to argue with this from any which way, but I will never believe that any top state school can unequivocally offer the same degree of networking that an Ivy can. Maybe not fair but absolutely true so yes of course I want that for my son. And any parent that is going to be self righteous and say that is not important, frankly I do not believe. Its a dog eat dog world now more than ever, and any opportunity for a young adult to get one step ahead needs to be taken.

While I do not think him attending the school he is leaning towards is necessarily a mistake I do not think it will offer him everything I know he is ripe for taking advantage of and yes that includes being taught my world class professors, meeting people who will can ultimately help him post college and developing a successful network to help him once he graduates. I can honestly say it has the least to do with the name/prestige, you may choose to believe or not believe that, but everything I have stated here is truthful in my rationale as to why I feel so strongly about this.

Please tell us this was a bad attempt at trolling. Otherwise this is just sad.

[Anonymous]

Which Ivy?

Frankly I've been to all of them and met people at all the Ivies from sports. Wouldn't have gone to any of them. The culture is very off for someone like me (humble, hardworking). The school I did attended matched my values.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Which Ivy?

Frankly I've been to all of them and met people at all the Ivies from sports. Wouldn't have gone to any of them. The culture is very off for someone like me (humble, hardworking). The school I did attended matched my values.

LOL. Not much humility on display here. Unlikely any Ivy would have you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First, you have many of your "observations" totally wrong. Allow me to correct them-

I would have LOVED to attend an ivy, it was not in the cards mostly because of $$$. I was given a full scholarship to the school I attended, and did the best I could with what I had. But dont' think for a second had I had the opportunity to attend an Ivy, I wouldn't have (never pursued it as it was not a viable option).

I am no dummy, the networking possibilities and the sphere of influence that one will automatically be privy to in an ivy league school is unparallelled. You can try to argue with this from any which way, but I will never believe that any top state school can unequivocally offer the same degree of networking that an Ivy can. Maybe not fair but absolutely true so yes of course I want that for my son. And any parent that is going to be self righteous and say that is not important, frankly I do not believe. Its a dog eat dog world now more than ever, and any opportunity for a young adult to get one step ahead needs to be taken.

While I do not think him attending the school he is leaning towards is necessarily a mistake I do not think it will offer him everything I know he is ripe for taking advantage of and yes that includes being taught my world class professors, meeting people who will can ultimately help him post college and developing a successful network to help him once he graduates. I can honestly say it has the least to do with the name/prestige, you may choose to believe or not believe that, but everything I have stated here is truthful in my rationale as to why I feel so strongly about this.

Please tell us this was a bad attempt at trolling. Otherwise this is just sad.

+1

The more she writes the more it becomes clear that this is all about her unfulfilled dreams. And the primary reason she comes up with is networking. Networking. Because the only place you can network is Yale. Please.

Taking you seriously for a moment, you network within your field. You undergraduate school is the least important. And if he is choosing a specific university because of his interests (as opposed to yours, OP) then he is probably doing a better job of scoping out that magic network you dream of.

OP, I'm sorry you have such a restricted view of what college is. This is just an extension of the screwed up values of our parenting generation in which everything a child does must be about that magic ring down the line. They have to do a sport and 5 billion APs and study mandarin so they can get into the kind of college you can brag about to your friends and then its not about learning its about connections they make while they are there. What a waste. Good for your DS that he has better values.

This isn't about networking. This is about narcissism. OP, did you post your DS' acceptances on facebook?

[Anonymous]

The word networking scares me. It's an ugly word. That said, make sure your DS knows what kinds of opportunities he will have at both schools he is considering and what the mix of peers will be like.

[Anonymous]

Also think about your kid's personality. A friend's daughter toured schools and was really turned off by certain types of kids that dominated certain schools and refused to apply to them. Your DS may have a different personality than yours. Make sure your DS is informed on all the important parameters and then trust his decision. He has to own the decision.

[Anonymous]

OP, as a former professor, I can tell you a) that the job market is so bad that there are fabulous professors even at less-distinguished schools and b) that the "world-class" profs at Ivies may have been hired for their brilliant research and still suck at teaching and mentoring undergrads.

[Anonymous]

Will your DC have research opportunities at the school he likes? I don't think SLACs always have good research opportunities because they tend to be teaching colleges, not research universities.

[Anonymous]

Didn't read the thread. Just want to say, OP, please get some therapy. Your child sounds very centered, and you sound completely off. Smart kids know what's best for them.
I know a kid who applied ED to a very good private university. He had great stats, likely could have gotten in anywhere. He chose this school because he liked the atmosphere, met some professors, liked them, liked the location. His mom, who, like you, didn't go to a top school, was disappointed he didn't "reach for the top" school-wise. But I really respect this kid. He knew what he liked, what he needed and what he wanted. He didn't choose prestige, which as far as I can tell, does not feed anyone emotionally. Prestige is all about how other people think; it has nothing to do with the individual in question.
Sounds like you have a great kid, OP. Find a good therapist, and work out your issues without imposing them on your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First, you have many of your "observations" totally wrong. Allow me to correct them-

I would have LOVED to attend an ivy, it was not in the cards mostly because of $$$. I was given a full scholarship to the school I attended, and did the best I could with what I had. But dont' think for a second had I had the opportunity to attend an Ivy, I wouldn't have (never pursued it as it was not a viable option).

I am no dummy, the networking possibilities and the sphere of influence that one will automatically be privy to in an ivy league school is unparallelled. You can try to argue with this from any which way, but I will never believe that any top state school can unequivocally offer the same degree of networking that an Ivy can. Maybe not fair but absolutely true so yes of course I want that for my son. And any parent that is going to be self righteous and say that is not important, frankly I do not believe. Its a dog eat dog world now more than ever, and any opportunity for a young adult to get one step ahead needs to be taken.

While I do not think him attending the school he is leaning towards is necessarily a mistake I do not think it will offer him everything I know he is ripe for taking advantage of and yes that includes being taught my world class professors, meeting people who will can ultimately help him post college and developing a successful network to help him once he graduates. I can honestly say it has the least to do with the name/prestige, you may choose to believe or not believe that, but everything I have stated here is truthful in my rationale as to why I feel so strongly about this.

Read what you wrote, OP. Your first line "I would have LOVED to attend an ivy" says it all. The rest of what you wrote is just rationalization for that first line. Children can't fulfill your unfulfilled dreams. They have their own.
Also, if you didn't attend Yale or Harvard (I'm assuming these are the schools in question), you have no idea what the networking possibilities are, nor do you have any idea whether or not your child will have any exposure to those "world-class professors." You're assuming a lot, but you have no direct knowledge here.