When you are forced to let go of the dream you had for your child

[Anonymous]

OP's efforts might matter if the goal is to secure a good placement for her kid's wedding announcement in The New York Times in 2025.

Otherwise it's just misguided rambling about the purported centality of attending a particular school to a kid's future. It takes a big world full of opportunity and interesting people and shrinks to the size of a one-page resume that is still mostly blank.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First, you have many of your "observations" totally wrong. Allow me to correct them-

I would have LOVED to attend an ivy, it was not in the cards mostly because of $$$. I was given a full scholarship to the school I attended, and did the best I could with what I had. But dont' think for a second had I had the opportunity to attend an Ivy, I wouldn't have (never pursued it as it was not a viable option).

I am no dummy, the networking possibilities and the sphere of influence that one will automatically be privy to in an ivy league school is unparallelled. You can try to argue with this from any which way, but I will never believe that any top state school can unequivocally offer the same degree of networking that an Ivy can. Maybe not fair but absolutely true so yes of course I want that for my son. And any parent that is going to be self righteous and say that is not important, frankly I do not believe. Its a dog eat dog world now more than ever, and any opportunity for a young adult to get one step ahead needs to be taken.

While I do not think him attending the school he is leaning towards is necessarily a mistake I do not think it will offer him everything I know he is ripe for taking advantage of and yes that includes being taught my world class professors, meeting people who will can ultimately help him post college and developing a successful network to help him once he graduates. I can honestly say it has the least to do with the name/prestige, you may choose to believe or not believe that, but everything I have stated here is truthful in my rationale as to why I feel so strongly about this.

Please tell us this was a bad attempt at trolling. Otherwise this is just sad.

Yes, and again OP has failed to tell us how her state-school education has failed her.

And the notion that every person who attends an Ivy League school is automatically privy to networking and "the sphere of influence" is so misguided as to be laughable. There are plenty of Ivy League grads who stumble and fall and fail. And there are plenty of Ivy League grads who end up in exactly the same place as their state school counterparts. Among my colleagues are people who got their undergrad degrees at Harvard, Brown, Cornell, and Princeton. And there are also people who got their undergrad degrees from UMass, UVA, Old Dominion, and Boston University. Oh, and also Williams and Oberlin. There we are, all doing the same work.

[Anonymous]

I paid my own way through Montgomery College, then UMUC (at night, working full time). Then the same for graduate school where I ended up #1 in the class of about 650. I was well ahead of probably 250 Ivy League and 100 top SLAC graduates. Your college doesn't matter much. Your grad school does, as does your maturity and attitude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is just so stupid. I can't even pretend to have an ounce of empathy towards this "problem."

+1

[Anonymous]

Sounds like a bunch of disgruntled shriveled up bitter people who didn't get into the school of their choice...wow the nastiness even for DCUM on this post is off the charts. SAD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like a bunch of disgruntled shriveled up bitter people who didn't get into the school of their choice...wow the nastiness even for DCUM on this post is off the charts. SAD.

I'm a PP and I went to Princeton. It was fine but certainly not the end-all be-all. My DC is getting a much better education at a SLAC.

And I'm neither disgruntled, shriveled up -- I look pretty good for my age, actually -- or bitter. I just see a lot of sad things happening around me to kids whose parents are living out their dreams through them.

[Anonymous]

I personally think this decision needs to be made by both child and parent. At 18 most kids lack the maturity that goes along with making a hefty decision. I am also from the school of though that if I am footing the 50k bill then by all means, I have some say in the matter.

You do not need to agree but I do think OP has some merit to her concerns. While the kid in question should not be forced to attend a school that he has no interest in, every possibly opportunity to show him why that might be a better choice (if there are legitimate reasons the parents feel this way) should be employed before a decision is made.

I "coaxed" my D to attend a school though she was leaning towards another, and she thanks me all the time for helping sway her though she did not see it at first. At almost 20 she thinks very differently than she did at 17.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here thank you for the replies. I hate to say I am often right but truthfully I am, when it comes to my kids. My son is a great and intelligent young man however he just turned 18 and that's just it, he is just 18. He lacks the wisdom and experience to really make a good decision here, one that could potentially affect and shape his future.

More than anything, it is the intellectual environment I think he will thrive in the most he really gets ignited when around that. So my husband has agreed that they will visit this coming week/weekend and then make an "educated decision" as we are running out of time. I appreciate the feedback.

And to anyone who thought my post in any way was making it seem like I think this is a first world problem, I absolutely do not. I realize this hardly qualifies for serious hardship but in the moment, yes to me its a big deal..seeing my son make a big mistake that I feel in my heart of hearts, and one I just cannot let go. It has everything to do with whats best for him and very little to do with me, even if you might not agree.

OP Most of the people on this thread have never even been near an Ivy league school (what ever they say) I would not even listen to those who say that you have a problem. I come from a family with multiple Ivy grads. It has helped them at every stage of their lives/ careers. Once in awhile they will say "wish I went to a smaller school" but then they will turn around and play the Ivy card to get ahead in life. Your DS does not know what opportunities he is throwing away by not accepting -- because he is 18. The difference in contacts, opportunities, networking and so on are immense. Its the people you meet. And getting into an Ivy is harder than being in one. So, yes, I would try to convince him. He can always transfer out after a year. But transferring in will not be an option. GL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is the most obnoxious post I have read. I thought when I opened this you were going to say your child is severely learning disabled or physicaly disabled or something along those lines. Let your kid live his own life and get over it and yourself.

This. Get a life, Op.

Very helpful input from someone who has never even come close to being in your situation. the ignorant masses,

[Anonymous]

The most valuable thing about going to an Ivy is you aren't so impressed by it later in life the way OP is. You realize that it's just people, some are bright, some aren't so much, and people have widely varying luck and opportunity and ambition.

I went to Princeton, it was a great experience, and most of my best friends from college are SAHM with young kids. Some have careers, but nobody's career is thriving right now. A couple people teach. I love my friends but I can't say I got much out of it networking-wise, except for the joy of good friendship (which is a lot).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here thank you for the replies. I hate to say I am often right but truthfully I am, when it comes to my kids. My son is a great and intelligent young man however he just turned 18 and that's just it, he is just 18. He lacks the wisdom and experience to really make a good decision here, one that could potentially affect and shape his future.

More than anything, it is the intellectual environment I think he will thrive in the most he really gets ignited when around that. So my husband has agreed that they will visit this coming week/weekend and then make an "educated decision" as we are running out of time. I appreciate the feedback.

And to anyone who thought my post in any way was making it seem like I think this is a first world problem, I absolutely do not. I realize this hardly qualifies for serious hardship but in the moment, yes to me its a big deal..seeing my son make a big mistake that I feel in my heart of hearts, and one I just cannot let go. It has everything to do with whats best for him and very little to do with me, even if you might not agree.

OP Most of the people on this thread have never even been near an Ivy league school (what ever they say) I would not even listen to those who say that you have a problem. I come from a family with multiple Ivy grads. It has helped them at every stage of their lives/ careers. Once in awhile they will say "wish I went to a smaller school" but then they will turn around and play the Ivy card to get ahead in life. Your DS does not know what opportunities he is throwing away by not accepting -- because he is 18. The difference in contacts, opportunities, networking and so on are immense. Its the people you meet. And getting into an Ivy is harder than being in one. So, yes, I would try to convince him. He can always transfer out after a year. But transferring in will not be an option. GL.

Do you really think that no schools other than Ivys have alumni networks? And that only Ivy grads have any kind of senior role in every organization in the country? My SLAC network has served me very well in my career (despite being smaller), and my husband's UVa network has been phenomenal, especially in the DC area.

[Anonymous]

People need to calm down, OP did not say that she thought all other schools are beneath the others. She sited her reasons (legit to me, but maybe not fair or democratic as they are) that she feels the ivy would be a better choice.

I have 3 kids and will be the first to admit IF they were ivy material (they are not) I would jump thorough fire for them to attend. I personally don't believe anyone who says otherwise. Come on we all want the best for our kids, and like it or not Ivies are still at the top of the heap and produce more CEO's, presidents, chairmen and leaders of industry than any other collegiate group. Heck yea I would want my son in that environment!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like a bunch of disgruntled shriveled up bitter people who didn't get into the school of their choice...wow the nastiness even for DCUM on this post is off the charts. SAD.

I'm a PP and I went to Princeton. It was fine but certainly not the end-all be-all. My DC is getting a much better education at a SLAC.

And I'm neither disgruntled, shriveled up -- I look pretty good for my age, actually -- or bitter. I just see a lot of sad things happening around me to kids whose parents are living out their dreams through them.

I also went to Princeton and can't think of a single school where I could have obtained a better undergraduate education. I assume at some SLACs you might have more classes taught by full-time professors and fewer teaching sessions led by grad students, but in return you have fewer resources, academic stars, and range of courses at your disposal. But, I totally agree that it's not the "end-all-be-all" or that any Ivy has a monopoly on professional or alumni networks. It really has the potential to damage people to make them think that attending any "name" school sets them up for life, or insulates them from life's many challenges.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People need to calm down, OP did not say that she thought all other schools are beneath the others. She sited her reasons (legit to me, but maybe not fair or democratic as they are) that she feels the ivy would be a better choice.

I have 3 kids and will be the first to admit IF they were ivy material (they are not) I would jump thorough fire for them to attend. I personally don't believe anyone who says otherwise. Come on we all want the best for our kids, and like it or not Ivies are still at the top of the heap and produce more CEO's, presidents, chairmen and leaders of industry than any other collegiate group. Heck yea I would want my son in that environment!

Plenty of people have the opportunity to go to Ivys and turn them down in favor of other very good schools. I'm the pp above who went to the SLAC and whose husband went to UVa. I turned down Brown and Columbia to go to my SLAC, and my husband turned down Princeton to go to UVa. We've both been very happy with those choices, have never regretted them, and I would never push my children toward Ivys.

[Anonymous]

It's your dream school not his. Get over it. And if your son is so smart I'm sure he will be successful wherever he goes.