12 year old son has no motivation/isn't happy

[Anonymous]

He sounds a lot like my son who has general anxiety with depression. Many of the symptoms of both anxiety and depression mimic ADHD. I would start working with a psychologist to help him with his emotions and feelings. They can also work with the school to implement some organizational help. Also, perhaps get some psycho-educational testing if you think you need it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
How in the world do you know that this kid does not have some form of "ADHD", rickets, mumps, or anything else.There are a lot of thoughtful posts by parents who have BTDT and offered helpful advice as well detailed accounting of their experience. The fact that OP even posted, IN DETAIL, about her son's long term issues is evidence that something needs to be done. No 12 yr old should just be allowed to be unhappy. There is something going on, even if it is just being an introvert struggling to deal with overstimulation in a world geared for the extrovert. OP owes it to her son to talk to a professional, doctor, therapist even if all she gets is some strategies to help her son to cope. Even if she received a prescription, she does not have to give it her kid. You do realize that you do not have to fill a prescription.
Good Luck to OP's son. I struggled with very low grade depression starting around his age. Kids should not be sad and no one tries to help.

OP did not state that her son was sad, just not motivated. OP stated that her other kids were not this way so she doesn't know what to do. Others have stated that he is different, so don't try to fit him into OP's idea of the "mold" (like her other kids).

You people are reading into things that aren't there. Again, quick to jump to some conclusion that the kid must have some disorder or something.

THE TITLE OF THE POST SAYS HE IS NOT HAPPY!!!!!!!! THAT IS SAD EINSTEIN!!!

But not in the post description.... I think OP is confusing "not happy" with "not motivated". As she said, her other kids aren't like this, so she doesn't know how to deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
How in the world do you know that this kid does not have some form of "ADHD", rickets, mumps, or anything else.There are a lot of thoughtful posts by parents who have BTDT and offered helpful advice as well detailed accounting of their experience. The fact that OP even posted, IN DETAIL, about her son's long term issues is evidence that something needs to be done. No 12 yr old should just be allowed to be unhappy. There is something going on, even if it is just being an introvert struggling to deal with overstimulation in a world geared for the extrovert. OP owes it to her son to talk to a professional, doctor, therapist even if all she gets is some strategies to help her son to cope. Even if she received a prescription, she does not have to give it her kid. You do realize that you do not have to fill a prescription.
Good Luck to OP's son. I struggled with very low grade depression starting around his age. Kids should not be sad and no one tries to help.

OP did not state that her son was sad, just not motivated. OP stated that her other kids were not this way so she doesn't know what to do. Others have stated that he is different, so don't try to fit him into OP's idea of the "mold" (like her other kids).

You people are reading into things that aren't there. Again, quick to jump to some conclusion that the kid must have some disorder or something.

THE TITLE OF THE POST SAYS HE IS NOT HAPPY!!!!!!!! THAT IS SAD EINSTEIN!!!

But not in the post description.... I think OP is confusing "not happy" with "not motivated". As she said, her other kids aren't like this, so she doesn't know how to deal.

Yes she doesssssssssss:




My oldest child has always been a child who needed more....more Legos, more time by himself, more allowance, etc. This trait alone would be enough to handle, but it also comes with a total and complete lack of motivation to do ANYTHING: do sports, homework, clean his room, invite friends over, talk to new people, go out for a walk with his family, play with his sisters, basically LIFE! The only time we ever see him motivated to do anything is when it's physically making something, like a volcano or a new Lego - then, complete focus. He does well in school, but only because we are constantly checking the teacher's websites to make sure he doesn't miss anything. 9 times out of ten he says they never told him there would be a quiz or a test, however teachers do not agree. We have a rule that his special toy (a model train set) goes away when he grades go below a B, a rule he came up with when we agreed to buy the train for him. He made a 3 page plan for how long it would go away for, and for what circumstances. All very mature, we thought. But now the times that it actually needs to be taken away, he yells and complains that it's not fair. This taking away stuff NEVER motivates him, never did. Nothing does. His swim coach tells him over and over again not to bend his legs while swimming, he's been doing it the wrong way for months now, completely ignoring her feedback. My husband and I sit down with him on weekends to do review of school work, and he absolutely hates it - we think he gets mad because we are holding him accountable. Sometimes he ends up crying because of it, and let me say we stay completely calm the whole time even though we are jumping out of our skin! He rarely writes down his homework, and I think his 900 person school isn't helping. He seems so scattered, but mostly he doesn't seem happy.

All this leads me to think....he needs to go to military school! Of course that isn't actually true, but with two other kids who never give us this kind of trouble, mostly do what we ask of them, want to participate in life, and usually wake up happy and ready to embrace the day...we are wondering, is there something different about him that we need to investigate further? Should we have him see someone? We aren't meeting his needs.

[Anonymous]

+1M

My 50yo brother is a case in point. Highly-educated and intelligent..Underemployed, disorganized, lone wolf, constantly losing things, forgetting things. How different his life might have been with support when he was young.


Or not....sometimes I think one of the reasons ADHD is so readily embraced by parents is that it seems to excuse so many of the shortcomings that held them back. This is no different than any parent who tries to relive life through their kids and do it right, this time. Oh, if only I'd had adderall when I was young, I would have finished some of those projects, gotten organized, made friends, and I wouldn't feel like such a failure today.....except what you don't know and what we all don't know about our medicated children, is what a brain will be like after 30 + years of medication that began when said brain was still forming.

Has it every occurred to anyone that everyone wasn't meant to be focused, organized, surrounded by people, etc.? Everyone isn't meant to do well in school or have a high-powered job that fully utilizes all their skills and makes them delirious with glee and IT DOES NOT MATTER.

Why must we have to destroy a generation to realize our folly?

Wow. You really sound hinged. My kids are lucky you're not in their lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

+1M

My 50yo brother is a case in point. Highly-educated and intelligent..Underemployed, disorganized, lone wolf, constantly losing things, forgetting things. How different his life might have been with support when he was young.


Or not....sometimes I think one of the reasons ADHD is so readily embraced by parents is that it seems to excuse so many of the shortcomings that held them back. This is no different than any parent who tries to relive life through their kids and do it right, this time. Oh, if only I'd had adderall when I was young, I would have finished some of those projects, gotten organized, made friends, and I wouldn't feel like such a failure today.....except what you don't know and what we all don't know about our medicated children, is what a brain will be like after 30 + years of medication that began when said brain was still forming.

Has it every occurred to anyone that everyone wasn't meant to be focused, organized, surrounded by people, etc.? Everyone isn't meant to do well in school or have a high-powered job that fully utilizes all their skills and makes them delirious with glee and IT DOES NOT MATTER.

Why must we have to destroy a generation to realize our folly?

Wow. You really sound hinged. My kids are lucky you're not in their lives.

Actually, sounds like a pretty valid point. One wonders if it won't be many of these heavily medicated at a young age kids who become unhinged, sadly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My oldest child has always been a child who needed more....more Legos, more time by himself, more allowance, etc. This trait alone would be enough to handle, but it also comes with a total and complete lack of motivation to do ANYTHING: do sports, homework, clean his room, invite friends over, talk to new people, go out for a walk with his family, play with his sisters, basically LIFE! The only time we ever see him motivated to do anything is when it's physically making something, like a volcano or a new Lego - then, complete focus. He does well in school, but only because we are constantly checking the teacher's websites to make sure he doesn't miss anything. 9 times out of ten he says they never told him there would be a quiz or a test, however teachers do not agree. We have a rule that his special toy (a model train set) goes away when he grades go below a B, a rule he came up with when we agreed to buy the train for him. He made a 3 page plan for how long it would go away for, and for what circumstances. All very mature, we thought. But now the times that it actually needs to be taken away, he yells and complains that it's not fair. This taking away stuff NEVER motivates him, never did. Nothing does. His swim coach tells him over and over again not to bend his legs while swimming, he's been doing it the wrong way for months now, completely ignoring her feedback. My husband and I sit down with him on weekends to do review of school work, and he absolutely hates it - we think he gets mad because we are holding him accountable. Sometimes he ends up crying because of it, and let me say we stay completely calm the whole time even though we are jumping out of our skin! He rarely writes down his homework, and I think his 900 person school isn't helping. He seems so scattered, but mostly he doesn't seem happy.

All this leads me to think....he needs to go to military school! Of course that isn't actually true, but with two other kids who never give us this kind of trouble, mostly do what we ask of them, want to participate in life, and usually wake up happy and ready to embrace the day...we are wondering, is there something different about him that we need to investigate further? Should we have him see someone? We aren't meeting his needs.

From your write-up it doesn't sound like he has any disorders. It sounds like you are over-motivating him and he is purposely staying under motivated, or at least feels like he can stay unmotivated. I had one of those in late elementary/middle school. Very smart girl but lacked any motivation with almost all school after 3rd grade. She too loved to manipulate, loved to build, Legos, read a ton. But she was bored. She also wasn't very social because most of the "normal" fun of middle school wasn't fun to her. She preferred staying home reading/building legos than dances, parties, etc... She was an introvert and completely fine with being one. Now me, I was a social butterfly and I initially thought like you. This isn't right. She is depressed. She must be getting bullied. Why doesn't she want to spend time with friends? Why doesn't she WANT to get good grades if she is so smart? Why can't she just APPLY herself, ugh!! It was so frustrating. The more I tried to "help" her the worse she got. So my husband and I talked and we decided after doing some research to go in a different direction.

This was the book I read about introverts and it helped me a lot.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0307352153/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_dp_ss_1?pf_rd_p=1944687442&pf_rd_s=lpo-top-stripe-1&pf_rd_t=201&pf_rd_i=0761123695&pf_rd_m=ATVPDKIKX0DER&pf_rd_r=1TQVMFRW3BV19EYKAS33

So we talked to her in 7th grade and told her that we are going to back off from "helping" her and although she could always come to us for help, we aren't checking. We know she is a smart girl, we know school can be boring but if you want to do something really cool later in life, you need to just get it done. We had a whiteboard with her weekly expectations/chores so we didn't have to fight. If they were done, she got $20. If she got anything below a C- on a test/quiz and did not come to us or a teacher for extra help prior to, that weekly money was taken away. The goal was a Lego Mindstorm Robot. Anyway, it started off well for 1 week and then bombed for a few weeks. We held our ground (cringed at some crappy grades) and dealt with some "it's not fair" when the $20 wasn't given but slowly she made her way out.

Long story short, she preferred managing her own life and it wasn't always what we exactly wanted but it worked. She did go thru cycles of bad grades versus good grades in middle school. Teachers would have to meet and talk with her and that was more of an impact than us pushing her to remember everything and the teacher having no idea there was ever an issue. It was TORTURE to see bad grades but once she got into high school, it just clicked. Plus she was able to take some really cool electives, get in the Robotics club, find a coding club thru meet up.com and have a little bit of a social life. We compromised on "social settings." Instead of forcing her to go to a dance, I would say "If you don't want to go to the dance, that is okay, but why not try to meet up with someone and see the sci-fi movie coming out?"

But we did make sure she wasn't depressed. Changed the diet around some, vitamins, no screen time after 9pm (none in the room) and also interacted with things she liked. And honestly, looking back on it, I wish I was more okay with it. It is actually nice to have an introverted child. She didn't go thru a lot of crap middle and high schoolers do. She never aimed to please anyone. A few teachers told me she was gifted and so comfortable in her own skin. I should be so proud of her. It was humbling. It felt like I failed her. I felt like for years she hated me because I chose not to "get" her but to mold her and that made her dig her heels in, not show any interest, felt like something WAS wrong with her. I think about if I stayed down that path, she could have gone into a very depressive or anxious state.

Anyway, just try cutting back and let him fall a few times. He may even fail a class. Give him a positive incentive to do things for himself and even come to you. Take an interest in that volcano. Look for lego, robotics or coding groups near you. Respect him. Always tell him he can talk to you and if you back off and start to take him out in a non-threating way (dinner and movie) he may just chill out and talk about stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am sick and tired about hearing about the good old days when kids supposedly didn't have these disorders. Kids absolutely had these disorders, they just weren't treated for them. I am related to some of those kids, now adults, whose lives have been completely stunted by issues that today would be diagnosed and treated. They've had really, really challenging lives. There is no way in hell I would allow my child to suffer like that.

if you think back to when you were a kid I'll bet you can remember some of these kids. They seemed stupid or weird. You didn't hang out with them. They ended up on a different track. Where are they now? Who knows, but not where you want your own child to be.

Seriously, I think some of you have such ignorant blinders on that you don;t even think through what you post.

Ditto this. My husband had ADD inattentive. You all who wax and wane about the "good old days" have zero idea how hard it was for kids like him. He is brilliant and yet he dropped out of high school because he had zero support. Thankfully, as an adult, he was finally diagnosed. He got his HS degree, went to UVA and has an amazing career. To be clear, your little bubble or view of the world is not actually indicative of reality.

OP, my son is like your son. Part of it is the way he is and part of it in the fact that, like his father, he has ADD (inattentive type). He has therapy to help him manage it and this year (8th grade) he did start taking medication. In other words, he is getting the support and resources my husband did not. I do not medicate him. It was his choice and it continues to be his choice. However, he will tell anyone who asks that it has changed his life. School went from hard to easy in a week.

Personally I think that part of you needs to expect that your son may be a bit lazy and a bit of an introvert. You can't change that part of him. He may also have inattentive ADD (or have some other issue). You can help with that part. You don't necessarily needs meds, but don't knock them either. Your job as a parent is to give your child the skills nad coping mechanisms to be a capable and empathic adult.

[Anonymous]

Except in rare cases, perhaps like above ^^ seems like ADD Inattentive is a load of hooey. A good excuse for people who can't get their acts together to hide behind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Except in rare cases, perhaps like above ^^ seems like ADD Inattentive is a load of hooey. A good excuse for people who can't get their acts together to hide behind.

You feel good about writing that, don't you? "Seems like?" You might look into the science rather than blabbing about whatever is on the top of your head.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Except in rare cases, perhaps like above ^^ seems like ADD Inattentive is a load of hooey. A good excuse for people who can't get their acts together to hide behind.

Honey, judging from your post you seem to have trouble getting your act together. In a different way. You seem to lack empathy and life experience if you can't understand that some things are much harder for some people than others (and for those same people some things may come much easier--many people with these kinds of difficulties are highly intelligent). You give yourself way too much credit. The OP is asking for help with a child who doesn't respond to the type of parenting she used for her other two kids who weren't like this. Get it? He's different. Needs a different kind of support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Except in rare cases, perhaps like above ^^ seems like ADD Inattentive is a load of hooey. A good excuse for people who can't get their acts together to hide behind.

Honey, judging from your post you seem to have trouble getting your act together. In a different way. You seem to lack empathy and life experience if you can't understand that some things are much harder for some people than others (and for those same people some things may come much easier--many people with these kinds of difficulties are highly intelligent). You give yourself way too much credit. The OP is asking for help with a child who doesn't respond to the type of parenting she used for her other two kids who weren't like this. Get it? He's different. Needs a different kind of support.

He doesn't seem much different from many 12yr old boys I know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Except in rare cases, perhaps like above ^^ seems like ADD Inattentive is a load of hooey. A good excuse for people who can't get their acts together to hide behind.

Honey, judging from your post you seem to have trouble getting your act together. In a different way. You seem to lack empathy and life experience if you can't understand that some things are much harder for some people than others (and for those same people some things may come much easier--many people with these kinds of difficulties are highly intelligent). You give yourself way too much credit. The OP is asking for help with a child who doesn't respond to the type of parenting she used for her other two kids who weren't like this. Get it? He's different. Needs a different kind of support.

I've got plenty of empathy for PP and her son, having come from a family full of issues -- depression, anxiety, bipolar, substance abuse. Trust me, I know suffering and have seen my own kids struggle as well. In an earlier post, in fact, I suggested she get him evaluated. My comments about ADHD innattentive have nothing to do with that. It's just that I have seen no compelling research that ADHD inattentive exists, and the list of symptoms (shown below) could cover a pretty wide swath of kids.

Shift from task to task without finishing anything
Become easily distracted
Miss important details
Make careless mistakes in homework and tests
Get bored quickly
Have trouble getting organized, for example losing homework assignments or keeping the bedroom messy and cluttered
Don't seem to listen when spoken to
Daydream
Are slow to understand information
Have trouble following instructions

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Except in rare cases, perhaps like above ^^ seems like ADD Inattentive is a load of hooey. A good excuse for people who can't get their acts together to hide behind.

Honey, judging from your post you seem to have trouble getting your act together. In a different way. You seem to lack empathy and life experience if you can't understand that some things are much harder for some people than others (and for those same people some things may come much easier--many people with these kinds of difficulties are highly intelligent). You give yourself way too much credit. The OP is asking for help with a child who doesn't respond to the type of parenting she used for her other two kids who weren't like this. Get it? He's different. Needs a different kind of support.

I've got plenty of empathy for PP and her son, having come from a family full of issues -- depression, anxiety, bipolar, substance abuse. Trust me, I know suffering and have seen my own kids struggle as well. In an earlier post, in fact, I suggested she get him evaluated. My comments about ADHD innattentive have nothing to do with that. It's just that I have seen no compelling research that ADHD inattentive exists, and the list of symptoms (shown below) could cover a pretty wide swath of kids.

Shift from task to task without finishing anything
Become easily distracted
Miss important details
Make careless mistakes in homework and tests
Get bored quickly
Have trouble getting organized, for example losing homework assignments or keeping the bedroom messy and cluttered
Don't seem to listen when spoken to
Daydream
Are slow to understand information
Have trouble following instructions

No compelling evidence? There has been decades of science on this issue, a vast amount of compelling evidence. What you are saying is that you don't believe the compelling evidence, which is something else entirely. Oh and people used to say the same thing about depression. But you only believe in the disorders in your family, the others don;t exist. Do you see how narrow your thinking is?

[Anonymous]

OP, does your son exercise? His hormones are probably out of whack and his is probably vitamin deficient.

[Anonymous]

I've only read the first page of this thread but I want to thank the PP's on it. I've realized I likely have inattentive ADHD. It never occurred to me before (I'm 37).

I'm not going to use this to make excuses for anything. But having an explanation for some of my more perplexing behavior (lack of motivation, ridiculous procrastination, chronic disorganization, etc.) despite great intentions and efforts to improve means the world to me. I can use the non-medical interventions and tactics available to see what improves (although I'm not ruling medication out, if needed). I can finally stop kicking, blaming and, sometimes, hating myself for not being able to just 'make myself' focus the way so many others seem to be able to do.

I don't want to derail the OP's post, but I just needed to thank you guys- you've helped me more than you know.