12 year old son has no motivation/isn't happy

[Anonymous]

My oldest child has always been a child who needed more....more Legos, more time by himself, more allowance, etc. This trait alone would be enough to handle, but it also comes with a total and complete lack of motivation to do ANYTHING: do sports, homework, clean his room, invite friends over, talk to new people, go out for a walk with his family, play with his sisters, basically LIFE! The only time we ever see him motivated to do anything is when it's physically making something, like a volcano or a new Lego - then, complete focus. He does well in school, but only because we are constantly checking the teacher's websites to make sure he doesn't miss anything. 9 times out of ten he says they never told him there would be a quiz or a test, however teachers do not agree. We have a rule that his special toy (a model train set) goes away when he grades go below a B, a rule he came up with when we agreed to buy the train for him. He made a 3 page plan for how long it would go away for, and for what circumstances. All very mature, we thought. But now the times that it actually needs to be taken away, he yells and complains that it's not fair. This taking away stuff NEVER motivates him, never did. Nothing does. His swim coach tells him over and over again not to bend his legs while swimming, he's been doing it the wrong way for months now, completely ignoring her feedback. My husband and I sit down with him on weekends to do review of school work, and he absolutely hates it - we think he gets mad because we are holding him accountable. Sometimes he ends up crying because of it, and let me say we stay completely calm the whole time even though we are jumping out of our skin! He rarely writes down his homework, and I think his 900 person school isn't helping. He seems so scattered, but mostly he doesn't seem happy.

All this leads me to think....he needs to go to military school! Of course that isn't actually true, but with two other kids who never give us this kind of trouble, mostly do what we ask of them, want to participate in life, and usually wake up happy and ready to embrace the day...we are wondering, is there something different about him that we need to investigate further? Should we have him see someone? We aren't meeting his needs.

[Anonymous]

Have you had him professionally tested? What have his teachers recommended up to you? In other words, do they see a problem?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you had him professionally tested? What have his teachers recommended up to you? In other words, do they see a problem?

OP here. No, no teacher has ever recommended that. All I have EVER heard from teachers is how nice he is, sweet boy, but he never raises his hand. He doesn't make trouble in school, but also isn't a stand out academically. He is quiet around others, and would spend his entire day in his room if we let him. What kind of testing would you think he needs? With a therapist of some kind? I don't even know what this is...any guidance most appreciated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you had him professionally tested? What have his teachers recommended up to you? In other words, do they see a problem?

OP here. No, no teacher has ever recommended that. All I have EVER heard from teachers is how nice he is, sweet boy, but he never raises his hand. He doesn't make trouble in school, but also isn't a stand out academically. He is quiet around others, and would spend his entire day in his room if we let him. What kind of testing would you think he needs? With a therapist of some kind? I don't even know what this is...any guidance most appreciated.

Inattentive adhd

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you had him professionally tested? What have his teachers recommended up to you? In other words, do they see a problem?

OP here. No, no teacher has ever recommended that. All I have EVER heard from teachers is how nice he is, sweet boy, but he never raises his hand. He doesn't make trouble in school, but also isn't a stand out academically. He is quiet around others, and would spend his entire day in his room if we let him. What kind of testing would you think he needs? With a therapist of some kind? I don't even know what this is...any guidance most appreciated.

Inattentive adhd

Yep! Sounds exactly like my son, no motivation to do anything unless it REALLY interests him and then he hyper focuses which is an adhd trait. Also these kids always claim they didn't know about the test, etc because they are spacing out during class. There are several red flags in what you wrote including tears and yelling over schoolwork.

My DS teachers missed the diagnosis because he is inattentive, not hyperactive , and those kids fly under the radar because they are generally well behaved.

[Anonymous]

I would also have him screened for depression/anxiety.

What you are doing now isn't working. You need to have him screened so you can know if there is a specific reason why it isn't working.

[Anonymous]

I second (or third) the recommendation for an ADHD evaluation. We were shocked when our DS was diagnosed with ADHD/inattentive because he didn't seem to have what I thought were ADHD traits. He sounds just like your DS. Of course, once I learned more about it, DS is classically inattentive. DH was evaluated later and he, too, has ADHD/inattentive. I would learn more about it (try googling 'motivation and ADHD') and start implementing some of the strategies you find. Even if your DS doesn't have ADHD, what you learn will be really helpful. Our NT kids have done exceptionally well with the strategies we use with our ADHD kids. The difference is our NT kids would have been okay with out the strategies, they're just much better for them. Our ADHD kids NEED them.

You might consider one of the ADHD studies at NIH http://www.nimh.nih.gov/labs-at-nimh/join-a-study/children/children-attention-deficit-hyperactivity-disorder.shtml. They've been fabulous. You don't need a diagnosis going into it (even if you did, they'd still do all the testing). They also have studies on depression. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I would get a full neuropsych evaluation. I know several kids whose teachers said they were doing just fine in the classroom but who turned out to have some kind of learning difference or other issue. An evaluation can help rule out ADHD, LDs, anxiety, depression, etc. and then guide your interventions or supports.

[Anonymous]

What's with all the quick jump to diagnose this behavior? He's unmotivated because he probably has a cushy life. If he were hungry and had no money or food, he'd be plenty motivated to find food.

Too many kids these days don't seem to want to do things that are "boring". My kids are the same way. Do you notice that these kids can focus on something for hours and hours that are interesting to them, but then can't seem to focus when they do things that are "boring", like school work?

He's also 12 - preteen, possibly going through some changes, and per OP's description of the kid, the personality traits probably don't help.

You should continue to hold him accountable. If his grades slip, he doesn't get xyz privilege.

Sure, send him to therapy to find out why he isn't happy if you want to go that route. But why be so quick to think he might have ADHD? How about the old fashioned "kid needs a kick in the pants" therapy?

I'm not saying that ADD or depression isn't real. But I think a lot of kids just need a kick in the pants, or as OP suggested, military school. Why are we so quick to diagnose everything, that every type of behavior needs a medical label? Seems like people just need an explanation as to why my DC does this or that. The explanation often times is just "they are kids that need to learn to deal with life."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What's with all the quick jump to diagnose this behavior? He's unmotivated because he probably has a cushy life. If he were hungry and had no money or food, he'd be plenty motivated to find food.

Too many kids these days don't seem to want to do things that are "boring". My kids are the same way. Do you notice that these kids can focus on something for hours and hours that are interesting to them, but then can't seem to focus when they do things that are "boring", like school work?

He's also 12 - preteen, possibly going through some changes, and per OP's description of the kid, the personality traits probably don't help.

You should continue to hold him accountable. If his grades slip, he doesn't get xyz privilege.

Sure, send him to therapy to find out why he isn't happy if you want to go that route. But why be so quick to think he might have ADHD? How about the old fashioned "kid needs a kick in the pants" therapy?

I'm not saying that ADD or depression isn't real. But I think a lot of kids just need a kick in the pants, or as OP suggested, military school. Why are we so quick to diagnose everything, that every type of behavior needs a medical label? Seems like people just need an explanation as to why my DC does this or that. The explanation often times is just "they are kids that need to learn to deal with life."

So you wouldn't rule out an underlying medical, learning or mental health issue, PP? You'd just try a kick in the pants or military school?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's with all the quick jump to diagnose this behavior? He's unmotivated because he probably has a cushy life. If he were hungry and had no money or food, he'd be plenty motivated to find food.

Too many kids these days don't seem to want to do things that are "boring". My kids are the same way. Do you notice that these kids can focus on something for hours and hours that are interesting to them, but then can't seem to focus when they do things that are "boring", like school work?

He's also 12 - preteen, possibly going through some changes, and per OP's description of the kid, the personality traits probably don't help.

You should continue to hold him accountable. If his grades slip, he doesn't get xyz privilege.

Sure, send him to therapy to find out why he isn't happy if you want to go that route. But why be so quick to think he might have ADHD? How about the old fashioned "kid needs a kick in the pants" therapy?

I'm not saying that ADD or depression isn't real. But I think a lot of kids just need a kick in the pants, or as OP suggested, military school. Why are we so quick to diagnose everything, that every type of behavior needs a medical label? Seems like people just need an explanation as to why my DC does this or that. The explanation often times is just "they are kids that need to learn to deal with life."

So you wouldn't rule out an underlying medical, learning or mental health issue, PP? You'd just try a kick in the pants or military school?

I think Dr's are just as quick to diagnose kids because they make money off of them. As I said, have the kid talk to a therapist about what makes him so unhappy, but honestly, based on what OP stated, the kid just sounds like he's got that type of personality. Talk therapy might help. But it seems over the top to have a kid take drugs to change his personality. Wouldn't it be better for him in the long to learn to deal with his unhappiness rather than be on drugs for who knows how long?

And, it doesn't sound like the kid has any learning disability. As for ADHD, from what I understand, even if they are diagnosed with this, there are therapies you can use to address it rather than using drugs.

As parents, especially around DMV, we are so aware of environmental pollutants, eating organic, blah blah blah, yet so quick to drug up our kids. I don't get this at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would get a full neuropsych evaluation. I know several kids whose teachers said they were doing just fine in the classroom but who turned out to have some kind of learning difference or other issue. An evaluation can help rule out ADHD, LDs, anxiety, depression, etc. and then guide your interventions or supports.

OP, you've gotten some good advice to get a neuropsych test. Like others, you described my ADD inattentive, yet very bright, sensitive kid to a T. He became so miserable that we were afraid he would hurt himself. He is now a happy kid who is doing well in school - thanks to zoloft for anxiety, neuropsych testing, ADD meds and some supports at school. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's with all the quick jump to diagnose this behavior? He's unmotivated because he probably has a cushy life. If he were hungry and had no money or food, he'd be plenty motivated to find food.

Too many kids these days don't seem to want to do things that are "boring". My kids are the same way. Do you notice that these kids can focus on something for hours and hours that are interesting to them, but then can't seem to focus when they do things that are "boring", like school work?

He's also 12 - preteen, possibly going through some changes, and per OP's description of the kid, the personality traits probably don't help.

You should continue to hold him accountable. If his grades slip, he doesn't get xyz privilege.

Sure, send him to therapy to find out why he isn't happy if you want to go that route. But why be so quick to think he might have ADHD? How about the old fashioned "kid needs a kick in the pants" therapy?

I'm not saying that ADD or depression isn't real. But I think a lot of kids just need a kick in the pants, or as OP suggested, military school. Why are we so quick to diagnose everything, that every type of behavior needs a medical label? Seems like people just need an explanation as to why my DC does this or that. The explanation often times is just "they are kids that need to learn to deal with life."

So you wouldn't rule out an underlying medical, learning or mental health issue, PP? You'd just try a kick in the pants or military school?

I think Dr's are just as quick to diagnose kids because they make money off of them. As I said, have the kid talk to a therapist about what makes him so unhappy, but honestly, based on what OP stated, the kid just sounds like he's got that type of personality. Talk therapy might help. But it seems over the top to have a kid take drugs to change his personality. Wouldn't it be better for him in the long to learn to deal with his unhappiness rather than be on drugs for who knows how long?

And, it doesn't sound like the kid has any learning disability. As for ADHD, from what I understand, even if they are diagnosed with this, there are therapies you can use to address it rather than using drugs.

As parents, especially around DMV, we are so aware of environmental pollutants, eating organic, blah blah blah, yet so quick to drug up our kids. I don't get this at all.

You've never had a child who thought he was stupid who then received treatment for ADHD and could finally succeed. You've never had a child with such severe depression that someone had to be home at all times to make sure she didn't hurt herself, or worse. Thats why you can be so smug about those of us who have had to deal with such serious MEDICAL problems.

Depression and anxiety in kids comes out differently than in adults. It can be missed until it becomes severe. I don;t see any harm in getting an evaluation. Then at least you will know that your DC doesn't have these challenges. And if he does, you'll be thankful you found out.

[Anonymous]

I had one like this - my middle son. The only time he was happy was when he was building things, reading about building things, taking things apart, designing stuff. He did okay in school, aced the tests, but didn't do the homework. Never enjoyed sports even though we did insist that he play them until the end of junior high.

We were very worried about him. His physics teacher his junior year in high school made it a requirement that all students in the class do a project for the science fair. Our son went to the finals of the ISEF and won first place in physics.

He is in a doctoral program now after having graduated with a double major in electrical engineering and physics. True, he did not go to a first tier school, but he is now in a doctoral program that is being paid for by his top tier graduate school.

We didn't understand him. That's all. We kept trying to fit him into a mold that he was not going to fit in. Once he started winning awards - the ISEF was only the first - we just let him pursue his passion.

I deeply regret that we tried to fit him into a standard role. I deeply regret forcing him into sports. I am not sorry that i did not medicate the way the elementary school counselors wanted us to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had one like this - my middle son. The only time he was happy was when he was building things, reading about building things, taking things apart, designing stuff. He did okay in school, aced the tests, but didn't do the homework. Never enjoyed sports even though we did insist that he play them until the end of junior high.

We were very worried about him. His physics teacher his junior year in high school made it a requirement that all students in the class do a project for the science fair. Our son went to the finals of the ISEF and won first place in physics.

He is in a doctoral program now after having graduated with a double major in electrical engineering and physics. True, he did not go to a first tier school, but he is now in a doctoral program that is being paid for by his top tier graduate school.

We didn't understand him. That's all. We kept trying to fit him into a mold that he was not going to fit in. Once he started winning awards - the ISEF was only the first - we just let him pursue his passion.

I deeply regret that we tried to fit him into a standard role. I deeply regret forcing him into sports. I am not sorry that i did not medicate the way the elementary school counselors wanted us to.

This is my son, too, except he's still in undergrad -- at a big state school for aeronautical engineering. Never liked (or completed much) basic homework. Was downright BITTER about taking mandatory foreign language for 4 years. His room was always borderline disgusting.

However, he was and is happy happy happy. Really content. He reads as bored and morose though. Droll.

Re inattentive ADHD. -- so, so easy to get that diagnosis once you take the tween in to a doctor. It's true that such a condition "flies under the radar" among public school teachers. I think there's a good reason for that.