12 year old son has no motivation/isn't happy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And every kid is unhappy? Maybe in your family, but not in OP's. She and her DH are spending a lot of time trying to keep their DS between the lines and it isn't working. She came her for advice. Those of you who want her to ignore the problem are not offering her anything.

She is over-coddling her kid. Let the kid FAIL some tests and even some classes. Stop sitting down with him for hours and double checking everything, even on weekends - Sheesh!! He resents them but doesn't have to change because they cushion everything for him. She probably still packs his lunches and cleans his room for him too.

[Anonymous]

My son is 13 and most of his peers do not pack their lunch--he asked.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you for all of you who took the time to add your comments. I have to say, as someone who has been on this list since I moved to the city in 2003, I was completely surprised when so many of you became so negative, so quickly, to a question I truly thought our collective parent wisdom would help me with. I was shocked to see people hide behind this anonymous forum while lashing out at me with such negative thoughts and ideas. All I asked for was a little wisdom, what I got was many of you hating on me and making me feel awful. I felt stuck, and I needed a few good ideas. To those of you who truly responded with actual ideas, in a positive way, thank you for taking the time. I wish everyone would have taken the time to really think what your words were doing to me. I think it might be helpful to institute a new idea in these forums, Jeff: if you are going to be mean, sign your name.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for all of you who took the time to add your comments. I have to say, as someone who has been on this list since I moved to the city in 2003, I was completely surprised when so many of you became so negative, so quickly, to a question I truly thought our collective parent wisdom would help me with. I was shocked to see people hide behind this anonymous forum while lashing out at me with such negative thoughts and ideas. All I asked for was a little wisdom, what I got was many of you hating on me and making me feel awful. I felt stuck, and I needed a few good ideas. To those of you who truly responded with actual ideas, in a positive way, thank you for taking the time. I wish everyone would have taken the time to really think what your words were doing to me. I think it might be helpful to institute a new idea in these forums, Jeff: if you are going to be mean, sign your name.

OP - is this the first time you posted a question about parenting? You must know, after 10 yrs, that you must have a thick skin if you are going to post something about your parenting skills or your relationship with your partner. I learned this in the first 6mo. I started reading this forum. I have just learned not to post a question about such things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son is 13 and most of his peers do not pack their lunch--he asked.

Who does? Their parents. Really?

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm sorry for the responses you received and I hope you will take the suggestions some of us made, for a thorough evaluation, seriously. The general older kids forum is full of people who love to judge other parents. You might try posting in the Special Needs forum. Many of us have actually been in the trenches and not only get it but have constructive ideas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm sorry for the responses you received and I hope you will take the suggestions some of us made, for a thorough evaluation, seriously. The general older kids forum is full of people who love to judge other parents. You might try posting in the Special Needs forum. Many of us have actually been in the trenches and not only get it but have constructive ideas.

Thank you....

[Anonymous]

OP I believe there are fewer "mean" posters than it appears. The military sargeant or whatever type A personality who is posting on here I'm pretty sure is the same one who posts similar things on the special needs forum. Just ignore that person. There is a time and a place for sink or swim and tough love and with kids with motivation and/or organization/exec function issues, that time is later. If I had taken that approach with my son he would probably be getting Cs and Fs right now and would likely be depressed and hopeless. Because I ignore such advice and offer support and behavioral strategies, he is getting As for the first time and learning what he is capable of, which is instilling internal motivation in him and an interest in his future for the first time. He recently told me he needs rote practice to learn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am sick and tired about hearing about the good old days when kids supposedly didn't have these disorders. Kids absolutely had these disorders, they just weren't treated for them. I am related to some of those kids, now adults, whose lives have been completely stunted by issues that today would be diagnosed and treated. They've had really, really challenging lives. There is no way in hell I would allow my child to suffer like that.

if you think back to when you were a kid I'll bet you can remember some of these kids. They seemed stupid or weird. You didn't hang out with them. They ended up on a different track. Where are they now? Who knows, but not where you want your own child to be.

Seriously, I think some of you have such ignorant blinders on that you don;t even think through what you post.

+1M

My 50yo brother is a case in point. Highly-educated and intelligent..Underemployed, disorganized, lone wolf, constantly losing things, forgetting things. How different his life might have been with support when he was young.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I believe there are fewer "mean" posters than it appears. The military sargeant or whatever type A personality who is posting on here I'm pretty sure is the same one who posts similar things on the special needs forum. Just ignore that person. There is a time and a place for sink or swim and tough love and with kids with motivation and/or organization/exec function issues, that time is later. If I had taken that approach with my son he would probably be getting Cs and Fs right now and would likely be depressed and hopeless. Because I ignore such advice and offer support and behavioral strategies, he is getting As for the first time and learning what he is capable of, which is instilling internal motivation in him and an interest in his future for the first time. He recently told me he needs rote practice to learn.

OP here. Thank you for taking the time to write. Can I ask, how did you get him the help? Lots of people mentioned this, but I truly don't know where to start. Is it a therapist? Do I get him "tested" somewhere? No one has ever mentioned anything from the school side but I think that's because he makes his way through good enough and doesn't make trouble, so they probably think he's just lazy. At home, getting him to do his homework is PAINFUL and not because he wants to play on a tablet. He's rather just stare into space than do anything work related. I have tried setting up a very clear routine for him, we talked about it, I printed it up for him, he agreed he would do it - he doesn't. And he gets annoyed when we gently remind him. I don't want to think it means medication for him, but as his mother I just want to help him and get him on the path to life success, whatever that looks like for him. Not just academically, but life skills as well. Where do I start?

[Anonymous]

OP, if your insurance provider will pay some or most of the cost or if you can afford it, you should have your son assessed to rule in or out any medical reasons for his lack of motivation. I am so glad I did it for my son. It answered so many questions about his behavior. I could not continue to see him sink and suffer.

[Anonymous]

17:51 here. Yes, I think it wouldn't hurt to have your son evaluated if he is very different from your other kids. He may have some attentional issues in the ADHD direction of things and motivation is a huge part of that. In fact I heard an expert mention that some think ADHD is a disorder of motivation. Nothing to be alarmed about. Whether or not he meets the criteria for an ADD label is of no relevance because the behaviors/issues you are seeing remain the same. We have the same issues (plus others) and we do not use medication though at some point we may turn in that direction. I suggest that if you get a psychologist you get a cognitive behavioral therapist or behavioral therapist. Behavioral strategies will be most helpful in helping build motivation (even if external at first, like rewards, breaks, etc.) to buckling down and doing work. The book The Kazdin Method is great for explaining to parents the importance of motivation systems for certain types of kids who lack internal motivation. I highly recommend it. We have done years of behavioral therapy with home tutors (college students who were trained with basic behavioral principles) who would work on brief activities, say 15 min, and my son would earn rewards by focusing and doing his best--rewards which were often a chosen activity at break time, extra break time, etc. This helps build attention and creates motivation. You don't need a team of home tutors but those same princples apply. You have the right idea with a structured schedule. Another thing that helps is building his confidence by making sure at least some of the work is doable and doing that first. The benefits of an eval are helping you and him understand why he struggles to meet expectations, ideas for how to support him with school work and expectations, finding out if there are any areas of difficulty that he needs help with (like difficulty writing, processing, math, etc.). If they find he has issues that are making work especially hard you can get an IEP or 504 plan at school to offer some support, like extended time on tests. Kids like yours are often bright but benefit from some support and understanding or they can fall through the cracks or develop a negative self concept.

[Anonymous]

p.s. another common problem for kids with motivation issues is executive function and organization problems. Exec function has to do with the ability to start an activity, maintain attention to task, self-evaluate/self-monitor, manage impulses, etc. Some kids have a really hard time getting start or switching gears but once they get going, things go better for that activity. Besides the above there are also ADHD coaches (not sure for kids but it's a growing field to help adults with ADD, including very successful people, execs, etc.) and occupational therapists (if they happen to specialize in exec function). there are several books by OT's on how to help kids who are disorganized--Late Lost and Unprepared, ORganizing the Disorganized Child, etc etc...I don't know them all or which ones are best...see Amazon and look at all the related recs. There are tons of books on helping kids organize for homework as well. It also helps to plan with your child how long to expect each assignment to take. Some kids are not good at predicting how long something will take and fear it will take forever and hence behaviors and avoidance get in the way. The Special Needs forum on DCUM has plenty of parents with similar kids who may have good suggestions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:p.s. another common problem for kids with motivation issues is executive function and organization problems. Exec function has to do with the ability to start an activity, maintain attention to task, self-evaluate/self-monitor, manage impulses, etc. Some kids have a really hard time getting start or switching gears but once they get going, things go better for that activity. Besides the above there are also ADHD coaches (not sure for kids but it's a growing field to help adults with ADD, including very successful people, execs, etc.) and occupational therapists (if they happen to specialize in exec function). there are several books by OT's on how to help kids who are disorganized--Late Lost and Unprepared, ORganizing the Disorganized Child, etc etc...I don't know them all or which ones are best...see Amazon and look at all the related recs. There are tons of books on helping kids organize for homework as well. It also helps to plan with your child how long to expect each assignment to take. Some kids are not good at predicting how long something will take and fear it will take forever and hence behaviors and avoidance get in the way. The Special Needs forum on DCUM has plenty of parents with similar kids who may have good suggestions.

Thank you so much!

[Anonymous]

Sure thing!