12 year old son has no motivation/isn't happy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's with all the quick jump to diagnose this behavior? He's unmotivated because he probably has a cushy life. If he were hungry and had no money or food, he'd be plenty motivated to find food.

Too many kids these days don't seem to want to do things that are "boring". My kids are the same way. Do you notice that these kids can focus on something for hours and hours that are interesting to them, but then can't seem to focus when they do things that are "boring", like school work?

He's also 12 - preteen, possibly going through some changes, and per OP's description of the kid, the personality traits probably don't help.

You should continue to hold him accountable. If his grades slip, he doesn't get xyz privilege.

Sure, send him to therapy to find out why he isn't happy if you want to go that route. But why be so quick to think he might have ADHD? How about the old fashioned "kid needs a kick in the pants" therapy?

I'm not saying that ADD or depression isn't real. But I think a lot of kids just need a kick in the pants, or as OP suggested, military school. Why are we so quick to diagnose everything, that every type of behavior needs a medical label? Seems like people just need an explanation as to why my DC does this or that. The explanation often times is just "they are kids that need to learn to deal with life."

So you wouldn't rule out an underlying medical, learning or mental health issue, PP? You'd just try a kick in the pants or military school?

Most (not all) kids born with a silver spoon in their mouths have a mental health issue, don't you think?

I'm not sure what you mean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Except in rare cases, perhaps like above ^^ seems like ADD Inattentive is a load of hooey. A good excuse for people who can't get their acts together to hide behind.

You feel good about writing that, don't you? "Seems like?" You might look into the science rather than blabbing about whatever is on the top of your head.

Fact of the matter is, there is no hard science to look at. It's a very soft, evolving, expanding diagnosis.

And before the medication adherents assert their "stimulants = evidence" tautological argument, note that ADHD meds taken in a safe dosage help virtually ALL takers perform better. They help everyone who takes them focus more intently -- whether the person has a diagnosis of ADHD or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Except in rare cases, perhaps like above ^^ seems like ADD Inattentive is a load of hooey. A good excuse for people who can't get their acts together to hide behind.

Honey, judging from your post you seem to have trouble getting your act together. In a different way. You seem to lack empathy and life experience if you can't understand that some things are much harder for some people than others (and for those same people some things may come much easier--many people with these kinds of difficulties are highly intelligent). You give yourself way too much credit. The OP is asking for help with a child who doesn't respond to the type of parenting she used for her other two kids who weren't like this. Get it? He's different. Needs a different kind of support.

I've got plenty of empathy for PP and her son, having come from a family full of issues -- depression, anxiety, bipolar, substance abuse. Trust me, I know suffering and have seen my own kids struggle as well. In an earlier post, in fact, I suggested she get him evaluated. My comments about ADHD innattentive have nothing to do with that. It's just that I have seen no compelling research that ADHD inattentive exists, and the list of symptoms (shown below) could cover a pretty wide swath of kids.

Shift from task to task without finishing anything
Become easily distracted
Miss important details
Make careless mistakes in homework and tests
Get bored quickly
Have trouble getting organized, for example losing homework assignments or keeping the bedroom messy and cluttered
Don't seem to listen when spoken to
Daydream
Are slow to understand information
Have trouble following instructions

LOL! this is every kid I know. My 6 and 9 yr olds must have ADHD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Except in rare cases, perhaps like above ^^ seems like ADD Inattentive is a load of hooey. A good excuse for people who can't get their acts together to hide behind.

You feel good about writing that, don't you? "Seems like?" You might look into the science rather than blabbing about whatever is on the top of your head.

Fact of the matter is, there is no hard science to look at. It's a very soft, evolving, expanding diagnosis.

And before the medication adherents assert their "stimulants = evidence" tautological argument, note that ADHD meds taken in a safe dosage help virtually ALL takers perform better. They help everyone who takes them focus more intently -- whether the person has a diagnosis of ADHD or not.

Yep, which is why some "high achievers" in HS and college take them even though they don't have ADHD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had one like this - my middle son. The only time he was happy was when he was building things, reading about building things, taking things apart, designing stuff. He did okay in school, aced the tests, but didn't do the homework. Never enjoyed sports even though we did insist that he play them until the end of junior high.

We were very worried about him. His physics teacher his junior year in high school made it a requirement that all students in the class do a project for the science fair. Our son went to the finals of the ISEF and won first place in physics.

He is in a doctoral program now after having graduated with a double major in electrical engineering and physics. True, he did not go to a first tier school, but he is now in a doctoral program that is being paid for by his top tier graduate school.

We didn't understand him. That's all. We kept trying to fit him into a mold that he was not going to fit in. Once he started winning awards - the ISEF was only the first - we just let him pursue his passion.

I deeply regret that we tried to fit him into a standard role. I deeply regret forcing him into sports. I am not sorry that i did not medicate the way the elementary school counselors wanted us to.

Disagree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've only read the first page of this thread but I want to thank the PP's on it. I've realized I likely have inattentive ADHD. It never occurred to me before (I'm 37).

I'm not going to use this to make excuses for anything. But having an explanation for some of my more perplexing behavior (lack of motivation, ridiculous procrastination, chronic disorganization, etc.) despite great intentions and efforts to improve means the world to me. I can use the non-medical interventions and tactics available to see what improves (although I'm not ruling medication out, if needed). I can finally stop kicking, blaming and, sometimes, hating myself for not being able to just 'make myself' focus the way so many others seem to be able to do.

I don't want to derail the OP's post, but I just needed to thank you guys- you've helped me more than you know.

I'm so happy to read this. I don't lower myself to arguing with the "ADHD doesn't exist and if it exists you shouldn't medicate" crowd because I know what I know and they are incredibly ignorant. ADHD is never an excuse, it's an explanation. Period. For those who have suffered with it as you have and felt incompetent all of your lives, my heart goes out to you.

[Anonymous]

I think you should start with the assumption that the correct diagnosis is probably that he is a teenager. There, that should point you in the right direction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you should start with the assumption that the correct diagnosis is probably that he is a teenager. There, that should point you in the right direction.

Except that's he's 12 and he's always been this way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had one like this - my middle son. The only time he was happy was when he was building things, reading about building things, taking things apart, designing stuff. He did okay in school, aced the tests, but didn't do the homework. Never enjoyed sports even though we did insist that he play them until the end of junior high.

We were very worried about him. His physics teacher his junior year in high school made it a requirement that all students in the class do a project for the science fair. Our son went to the finals of the ISEF and won first place in physics.

He is in a doctoral program now after having graduated with a double major in electrical engineering and physics. True, he did not go to a first tier school, but he is now in a doctoral program that is being paid for by his top tier graduate school.

We didn't understand him. That's all. We kept trying to fit him into a mold that he was not going to fit in. Once he started winning awards - the ISEF was only the first - we just let him pursue his passion.

I deeply regret that we tried to fit him into a standard role. I deeply regret forcing him into sports. I am not sorry that i did not medicate the way the elementary school counselors wanted us to.



Thank you. I needed to read this.

[Anonymous]

What I find odd (and sad) is that some believe that things like studying, socializing, motivation, organization etc. come natural to all people or that it's enough to have your parent teach you about it. Those things don't come naturally to some. We understand that sports are different, that coaches are needed to teach assess skills, teach the fundamentals and work with a kid to get him to competency. We hire personal trainers to assess our fitness and help us achieve fitness goals. We hire tutors to help kids when they're struggling with academics. Why, when your child seems to be struggling with things like organization, motivation, initiation, etc., would you not look for some outside assistance? Why, when you are concerned, would you not buy yourself some piece of mind and have him checked out? There's no harm in an evaluation. I don't understand why you wouldn't want to know - to be sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should start with the assumption that the correct diagnosis is probably that he is a teenager. There, that should point you in the right direction.

Except that's he's 12 and he's always been this way.

She never wrote that he was always this way.

[Anonymous]

The original post begins with noting that he has always been this way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My oldest child has always been a child who needed more....more Legos, more time by himself, more allowance, etc. This trait alone would be enough to handle, but it also comes with a total and complete lack of motivation to do ANYTHING: do sports, homework, clean his room, invite friends over, talk to new people, go out for a walk with his family, play with his sisters, basically LIFE! The only time we ever see him motivated to do anything is when it's physically making something, like a volcano or a new Lego - then, complete focus. He does well in school, but only because we are constantly checking the teacher's websites to make sure he doesn't miss anything. 9 times out of ten he says they never told him there would be a quiz or a test, however teachers do not agree. We have a rule that his special toy (a model train set) goes away when he grades go below a B, a rule he came up with when we agreed to buy the train for him. He made a 3 page plan for how long it would go away for, and for what circumstances. All very mature, we thought. But now the times that it actually needs to be taken away, he yells and complains that it's not fair. This taking away stuff NEVER motivates him, never did. Nothing does. His swim coach tells him over and over again not to bend his legs while swimming, he's been doing it the wrong way for months now, completely ignoring her feedback. My husband and I sit down with him on weekends to do review of school work, and he absolutely hates it - we think he gets mad because we are holding him accountable. Sometimes he ends up crying because of it, and let me say we stay completely calm the whole time even though we are jumping out of our skin! He rarely writes down his homework, and I think his 900 person school isn't helping. He seems so scattered, but mostly he doesn't seem happy.

All this leads me to think....he needs to go to military school! Of course that isn't actually true, but with two other kids who never give us this kind of trouble, mostly do what we ask of them, want to participate in life, and usually wake up happy and ready to embrace the day...we are wondering, is there something different about him that we need to investigate further? Should we have him see someone? We aren't meeting his needs.

Just a refresher. OP's DC has always been this way, is not happy, and OP feels he has needs that aren't being met.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My oldest child has always been a child who needed more....more Legos, more time by himself, more allowance, etc. This trait alone would be enough to handle, but it also comes with a total and complete lack of motivation to do ANYTHING: do sports, homework, clean his room, invite friends over, talk to new people, go out for a walk with his family, play with his sisters, basically LIFE! The only time we ever see him motivated to do anything is when it's physically making something, like a volcano or a new Lego - then, complete focus. He does well in school, but only because we are constantly checking the teacher's websites to make sure he doesn't miss anything. 9 times out of ten he says they never told him there would be a quiz or a test, however teachers do not agree. We have a rule that his special toy (a model train set) goes away when he grades go below a B, a rule he came up with when we agreed to buy the train for him. He made a 3 page plan for how long it would go away for, and for what circumstances. All very mature, we thought. But now the times that it actually needs to be taken away, he yells and complains that it's not fair. This taking away stuff NEVER motivates him, never did. Nothing does. His swim coach tells him over and over again not to bend his legs while swimming, he's been doing it the wrong way for months now, completely ignoring her feedback. My husband and I sit down with him on weekends to do review of school work, and he absolutely hates it - we think he gets mad because we are holding him accountable. Sometimes he ends up crying because of it, and let me say we stay completely calm the whole time even though we are jumping out of our skin! He rarely writes down his homework, and I think his 900 person school isn't helping. He seems so scattered, but mostly he doesn't seem happy.

All this leads me to think....he needs to go to military school! Of course that isn't actually true, but with two other kids who never give us this kind of trouble, mostly do what we ask of them, want to participate in life, and usually wake up happy and ready to embrace the day...we are wondering, is there something different about him that we need to investigate further? Should we have him see someone? We aren't meeting his needs.

Just a refresher. OP's DC has always been this way, is not happy, and OP feels he has needs that aren't being met.

She wrote that he has always needed more, more lego, more allowance etc...

And to me every kids wants more. This is the "give me, but I won't appreciate it but just want more" generation. Coddled kids.

[Anonymous]

And every kid is unhappy? Maybe in your family, but not in OP's. She and her DH are spending a lot of time trying to keep their DS between the lines and it isn't working. She came her for advice. Those of you who want her to ignore the problem are not offering her anything.