12 year old son has no motivation/isn't happy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had one like this - my middle son. The only time he was happy was when he was building things, reading about building things, taking things apart, designing stuff. He did okay in school, aced the tests, but didn't do the homework. Never enjoyed sports even though we did insist that he play them until the end of junior high.

We were very worried about him. His physics teacher his junior year in high school made it a requirement that all students in the class do a project for the science fair. Our son went to the finals of the ISEF and won first place in physics.

He is in a doctoral program now after having graduated with a double major in electrical engineering and physics. True, he did not go to a first tier school, but he is now in a doctoral program that is being paid for by his top tier graduate school.

We didn't understand him. That's all. We kept trying to fit him into a mold that he was not going to fit in. Once he started winning awards - the ISEF was only the first - we just let him pursue his passion.

I deeply regret that we tried to fit him into a standard role. I deeply regret forcing him into sports. I am not sorry that i did not medicate the way the elementary school counselors wanted us to.

This is my son, too, except he's still in undergrad -- at a big state school for aeronautical engineering. Never liked (or completed much) basic homework. Was downright BITTER about taking mandatory foreign language for 4 years. His room was always borderline disgusting.

However, he was and is happy happy happy. Really content. He reads as bored and morose though. Droll.

Re inattentive ADHD. -- so, so easy to get that diagnosis once you take the tween in to a doctor. It's true that such a condition "flies under the radar" among public school teachers. I think there's a good reason for that.

OP here. Thank you all for your thoughtful comments. I was so glad to those of you who chimed in about NOT medicating, since I just cannot stomach that at this point. I honestly think that since he spends a majority of his time at school what we need is a smaller classroom setting, in a school where people know him, and he can feel part of something. If he had a difficult time with the academic work, I would think testing for learning disabilities. But that doesn't seem to be his issue. I just want him to be happy, but since he seems SO different from my other kids and SO different from other kids his age we know, I think we just want to make sure we aren't missing something. We DON'T want him to be like everyone else. He does want to do some things, they just usually aren't academic or social in nature. Maybe we just need to help him feel comfortable in the life he's been given. Thank you to all of you for writing in. Each and every one of your posts was thoughtfully written and much appreciated.

It just sounds to me like your son is an introvert. I'm an introvert, and I remember that school was a lot of stimulation. When I would get home, I just wanted to "veg" and do what I wanted and not have people tell me what to do. Give your son some space. Let him do what he wants after school. He is 12, he has all those hormones and growing up to deal with, it's not "ADHD" or anything. The PP that said that everyone is all organic but quick to medicate hit the nail on the head. Your son needs to start handling work on his own, start letting him deal with his homework by not checking the work that he is good at doing. If he gets a bad grade, let him see the natural consequences. He needs to learn how to handle schoolwork on his own before high school starts. Also, tell him that if he wants to hang out with a friend or do an activity, etc., to let you know. Give him more of the "power" with his social life and schoolwork and maybe he will step up and maybe he won't, but he needs to learn that on his own.

And as for the "bending legs while swimming", leave him alone. I couldn't bend my legs while doing a cartwheel to save my life.

[Anonymous]

It irritates me to see the oft-repeated "everyone is in a rush to medicate their kids." That is not true. Most people are extremely wary of medicating their children, often to the detriment of those kids. This particular child may or may not have ADHD, but it is not responsible to attribute his issues as being "lazy" or a lack of motivation. It is also irresponsible for doctors to prescribe medication without testing, but that's another issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had one like this - my middle son. The only time he was happy was when he was building things, reading about building things, taking things apart, designing stuff. He did okay in school, aced the tests, but didn't do the homework. Never enjoyed sports even though we did insist that he play them until the end of junior high.

We were very worried about him. His physics teacher his junior year in high school made it a requirement that all students in the class do a project for the science fair. Our son went to the finals of the ISEF and won first place in physics.

He is in a doctoral program now after having graduated with a double major in electrical engineering and physics. True, he did not go to a first tier school, but he is now in a doctoral program that is being paid for by his top tier graduate school.

We didn't understand him. That's all. We kept trying to fit him into a mold that he was not going to fit in. Once he started winning awards - the ISEF was only the first - we just let him pursue his passion.

I deeply regret that we tried to fit him into a standard role. I deeply regret forcing him into sports. I am not sorry that i did not medicate the way the elementary school counselors wanted us to.

This is my son, too, except he's still in undergrad -- at a big state school for aeronautical engineering. Never liked (or completed much) basic homework. Was downright BITTER about taking mandatory foreign language for 4 years. His room was always borderline disgusting.

However, he was and is happy happy happy. Really content. He reads as bored and morose though. Droll.

Re inattentive ADHD. -- so, so easy to get that diagnosis once you take the tween in to a doctor. It's true that such a condition "flies under the radar" among public school teachers. I think there's a good reason for that.

OP here. Thank you all for your thoughtful comments. I was so glad to those of you who chimed in about NOT medicating, since I just cannot stomach that at this point. I honestly think that since he spends a majority of his time at school what we need is a smaller classroom setting, in a school where people know him, and he can feel part of something. If he had a difficult time with the academic work, I would think testing for learning disabilities. But that doesn't seem to be his issue. I just want him to be happy, but since he seems SO different from my other kids and SO different from other kids his age we know, I think we just want to make sure we aren't missing something. We DON'T want him to be like everyone else. He does want to do some things, they just usually aren't academic or social in nature. Maybe we just need to help him feel comfortable in the life he's been given. Thank you to all of you for writing in. Each and every one of your posts was thoughtfully written and much appreciated.

It just sounds to me like your son is an introvert. I'm an introvert, and I remember that school was a lot of stimulation. When I would get home, I just wanted to "veg" and do what I wanted and not have people tell me what to do. Give your son some space. Let him do what he wants after school. He is 12, he has all those hormones and growing up to deal with, it's not "ADHD" or anything. The PP that said that everyone is all organic but quick to medicate hit the nail on the head. Your son needs to start handling work on his own, start letting him deal with his homework by not checking the work that he is good at doing. If he gets a bad grade, let him see the natural consequences. He needs to learn how to handle schoolwork on his own before high school starts. Also, tell him that if he wants to hang out with a friend or do an activity, etc., to let you know. Give him more of the "power" with his social life and schoolwork and maybe he will step up and maybe he won't, but he needs to learn that on his own.

And as for the "bending legs while swimming", leave him alone. I couldn't bend my legs while doing a cartwheel to save my life.

How in the world do you know that this kid does not have some form of "ADHD", rickets, mumps, or anything else.There are a lot of thoughtful posts by parents who have BTDT and offered helpful advice as well detailed accounting of their experience. The fact that OP even posted, IN DETAIL, about her son's long term issues is evidence that something needs to be done. No 12 yr old should just be allowed to be unhappy. There is something going on, even if it is just being an introvert struggling to deal with overstimulation in a world geared for the extrovert. OP owes it to her son to talk to a professional, doctor, therapist even if all she gets is some strategies to help her son to cope. Even if she received a prescription, she does not have to give it her kid. You do realize that you do not have to fill a prescription.
Good Luck to OP's son. I struggled with very low grade depression starting around his age. Kids should not be sad and no one tries to help.

[Anonymous]

Why is ADHD a cure all for every kid? I went into the wrong profession with this coddling generation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is ADHD a cure all for every kid? I went into the wrong profession with this coddling generation.

Um, its a disorder, not a cure. It is such a silly line that "every kid" has it. Do some research.

[Anonymous]

You know what? I assume that a parent who posts about their concern regarding their child is genuinely concerned and has good reason to be. If you want to find out what is wrong then you will research it with the proper people who will do the testing. If you want to be convinced by the crowd who tells you you're overreacting and it's totally normal behavior then follow their advice and stick your head in the sand for another 12 years.

The advice you are getting from parents about testing is good advice, we have all been exactly where you are and learned a lot. But by all means, give your son organic apple juice and hope that he'll snap out of this if that makes you happy. But please don't chastise those of us who know better and have given our children the gift of medication.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is ADHD a cure all for every kid? I went into the wrong profession with this coddling generation.

The profession thanks you for not being in it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's with all the quick jump to diagnose this behavior? He's unmotivated because he probably has a cushy life. If he were hungry and had no money or food, he'd be plenty motivated to find food.

Too many kids these days don't seem to want to do things that are "boring". My kids are the same way. Do you notice that these kids can focus on something for hours and hours that are interesting to them, but then can't seem to focus when they do things that are "boring", like school work?

He's also 12 - preteen, possibly going through some changes, and per OP's description of the kid, the personality traits probably don't help.

You should continue to hold him accountable. If his grades slip, he doesn't get xyz privilege.

Sure, send him to therapy to find out why he isn't happy if you want to go that route. But why be so quick to think he might have ADHD? How about the old fashioned "kid needs a kick in the pants" therapy?

I'm not saying that ADD or depression isn't real. But I think a lot of kids just need a kick in the pants, or as OP suggested, military school. Why are we so quick to diagnose everything, that every type of behavior needs a medical label? Seems like people just need an explanation as to why my DC does this or that. The explanation often times is just "they are kids that need to learn to deal with life."

So you wouldn't rule out an underlying medical, learning or mental health issue, PP? You'd just try a kick in the pants or military school?

I think Dr's are just as quick to diagnose kids because they make money off of them. As I said, have the kid talk to a therapist about what makes him so unhappy, but honestly, based on what OP stated, the kid just sounds like he's got that type of personality. Talk therapy might help. But it seems over the top to have a kid take drugs to change his personality. Wouldn't it be better for him in the long to learn to deal with his unhappiness rather than be on drugs for who knows how long?

And, it doesn't sound like the kid has any learning disability. As for ADHD, from what I understand, even if they are diagnosed with this, there are therapies you can use to address it rather than using drugs.

As parents, especially around DMV, we are so aware of environmental pollutants, eating organic, blah blah blah, yet so quick to drug up our kids. I don't get this at all.

I am the poster who said it's valuable to rule out any underlying medical, learning or mental health problem. I said absolutely nothing about having him take drugs to change his personality.

You sound very uninformed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You know what? I assume that a parent who posts about their concern regarding their child is genuinely concerned and has good reason to be. If you want to find out what is wrong then you will research it with the proper people who will do the testing. If you want to be convinced by the crowd who tells you you're overreacting and it's totally normal behavior then follow their advice and stick your head in the sand for another 12 years.

The advice you are getting from parents about testing is good advice, we have all been exactly where you are and learned a lot. But by all means, give your son organic apple juice and hope that he'll snap out of this if that makes you happy. But please don't chastise those of us who know better and have given our children the gift of medication.

I've started a post before about my DC's behavior in a store - sort of a WWYD type scenario where he wouldn't leave. The first few posts in, someone claimed he had "oppositional defiant disorder". There are other posts that I see where parents post a question on WWYD regarding x behavior, and someone seems to always chime in about such and such disorder. This is why I think people around here, or at least on DCUM, are quick to jump to the conclusion that a kid must have some disorder or get it checked out because that's not normal behavior, when in fact, it is "normal" because kids all have different personalities, learning abilities and interests.

BTW, my DC doesn't have any kind of disorder, except if you count being a kid that can be stubborn a disorder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
How in the world do you know that this kid does not have some form of "ADHD", rickets, mumps, or anything else.There are a lot of thoughtful posts by parents who have BTDT and offered helpful advice as well detailed accounting of their experience. The fact that OP even posted, IN DETAIL, about her son's long term issues is evidence that something needs to be done. No 12 yr old should just be allowed to be unhappy. There is something going on, even if it is just being an introvert struggling to deal with overstimulation in a world geared for the extrovert. OP owes it to her son to talk to a professional, doctor, therapist even if all she gets is some strategies to help her son to cope. Even if she received a prescription, she does not have to give it her kid. You do realize that you do not have to fill a prescription.
Good Luck to OP's son. I struggled with very low grade depression starting around his age. Kids should not be sad and no one tries to help.

OP did not state that her son was sad, just not motivated. OP stated that her other kids were not this way so she doesn't know what to do. Others have stated that he is different, so don't try to fit him into OP's idea of the "mold" (like her other kids).

You people are reading into things that aren't there. Again, quick to jump to some conclusion that the kid must have some disorder or something.

[Anonymous]

How come 20yrs ago when there was tons of free play, no screens, more recess, less homework, less organized sports starting at age 3, more home cooked meals and less processed food, there was not a million of these disorders? I am sure these ancient moms over 35 trying to pop out kids with old eggs have some genetic issues but we won't know unless one constant is removed from the equation and that doesn't seem likely.


I mean seriously, kids lives suck. You add tons of screen time they get addicted too, take complete structure in their lives, not much free time to interact with other kids on their when they are younger (without you breathing down their neck) to learn hands on social skills. Place them in organized daycare, organized preschool at age 2, organized sports at age 3, then they start organized school with very little movement and they are not so perfect and you take them to neuropsych eval the second they seem a little different than the cookie mold a school and parent wants your child to be.

Then you spend countless hours googling every type of disorder it could be, change diets, go to an allergist, check for every acronym a kid could possibly have and give the neuropsych a full list of everything in your opinion. 7/8 of neuropsych don't even observe the child outside of an office. Run a few tests and start with possible disorders or diagnoses. An OT will then tell you all the fine, gross and core motor skills your child needs. If they don't like tags in their clothes they are now labeled with sensory processing disorder. If they seem scared about school or wake up with nightmares, they are labeled with anxiety. If they can't concentrate for more than 5 minutes, they have ADD. If they can't sit still and move around, they have ADHD.

Meanwhile, we start medicating to "help" our kids and sending them to every therapy under the sun. Then get the SN bye on all tests and every time they aren't acting perfect, we can tell everyone why and feel better about your parenting skills. These moms seem proud to rattle off the 4 acronyms their child has. It is like a cult and they want you to be a part of it too.

Where were all these disorders when we were kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What's with all the quick jump to diagnose this behavior? He's unmotivated because he probably has a cushy life. If he were hungry and had no money or food, he'd be plenty motivated to find food.

Too many kids these days don't seem to want to do things that are "boring". My kids are the same way. Do you notice that these kids can focus on something for hours and hours that are interesting to them, but then can't seem to focus when they do things that are "boring", like school work?

He's also 12 - preteen, possibly going through some changes, and per OP's description of the kid, the personality traits probably don't help.

You should continue to hold him accountable. If his grades slip, he doesn't get xyz privilege.

Sure, send him to therapy to find out why he isn't happy if you want to go that route. But why be so quick to think he might have ADHD? How about the old fashioned "kid needs a kick in the pants" therapy?

I'm not saying that ADD or depression isn't real. But I think a lot of kids just need a kick in the pants, or as OP suggested, military school. Why are we so quick to diagnose everything, that every type of behavior needs a medical label? Seems like people just need an explanation as to why my DC does this or that. The explanation often times is just "they are kids that need to learn to deal with life."

So you wouldn't rule out an underlying medical, learning or mental health issue, PP? You'd just try a kick in the pants or military school?

Most (not all) kids born with a silver spoon in their mouths have a mental health issue, don't you think?

[Anonymous]

And here's yet another vote for a neuropsych test. Your son is already 12. By that time our son had been tested at least 3 times (once every three years) and the diagnoses kept changing. Sometimes it was ADHD, sometimes exec. functioning problems, sometimes depression, sometimes anxiety. Your son could even have simple eye problems that make it difficult for him to read. You really owe this to him to get a thorough NT workup done on him. There are many many reasons for this kind of behavior that could be neurological and not simple laziness which is what I am reading into your post. Please do that before you try military schools. You may get an eye-opening (pun) result. If you don't, then yes consider boarding schools. I was most impressed with Fork Union Military School when we toured.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And here's yet another vote for a neuropsych test. Your son is already 12. By that time our son had been tested at least 3 times (once every three years) and the diagnoses kept changing. Sometimes it was ADHD, sometimes exec. functioning problems, sometimes depression, sometimes anxiety. Your son could even have simple eye problems that make it difficult for him to read. You really owe this to him to get a thorough NT workup done on him. There are many many reasons for this kind of behavior that could be neurological and not simple laziness which is what I am reading into your post. Please do that before you try military schools. You may get an eye-opening (pun) result. If you don't, then yes consider boarding schools. I was most impressed with Fork Union Military School when we toured.

Wouldn't these changing diagnosis indicate that something is wrong with the way your kid was being diagnosed? Or did you just accept that your kid had *all* of these issues?

[Anonymous]

OP: your son sounds like my friend's now in college (barely) son. Turns out he does have ADHD inattentive. He is now getting non-stimulate medication and found a major he loves. But getting him there would have been much easier with an earlier diagnosis. You will not be able to easily keep up the intensity of your interventions in HS.

Looking for a different high school now is probably a good idea. Highly recommend Dietzel and Butler in Silver Spring. They are conservative in their diagnosis and can offer subtle analysis of results.