12 year old son has no motivation/isn't happy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And here's yet another vote for a neuropsych test. Your son is already 12. By that time our son had been tested at least 3 times (once every three years) and the diagnoses kept changing. Sometimes it was ADHD, sometimes exec. functioning problems, sometimes depression, sometimes anxiety. Your son could even have simple eye problems that make it difficult for him to read. You really owe this to him to get a thorough NT workup done on him. There are many many reasons for this kind of behavior that could be neurological and not simple laziness which is what I am reading into your post. Please do that before you try military schools. You may get an eye-opening (pun) result. If you don't, then yes consider boarding schools. I was most impressed with Fork Union Military School when we toured.

WTF???? It sounds like YOU need the neuropsych evaluation. I would be depressed and anxious if that was my childhood.

[Anonymous]

I am sick and tired about hearing about the good old days when kids supposedly didn't have these disorders. Kids absolutely had these disorders, they just weren't treated for them. I am related to some of those kids, now adults, whose lives have been completely stunted by issues that today would be diagnosed and treated. They've had really, really challenging lives. There is no way in hell I would allow my child to suffer like that.

if you think back to when you were a kid I'll bet you can remember some of these kids. They seemed stupid or weird. You didn't hang out with them. They ended up on a different track. Where are they now? Who knows, but not where you want your own child to be.

Seriously, I think some of you have such ignorant blinders on that you don;t even think through what you post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am sick and tired about hearing about the good old days when kids supposedly didn't have these disorders. Kids absolutely had these disorders, they just weren't treated for them. I am related to some of those kids, now adults, whose lives have been completely stunted by issues that today would be diagnosed and treated. They've had really, really challenging lives. There is no way in hell I would allow my child to suffer like that.

if you think back to when you were a kid I'll bet you can remember some of these kids. They seemed stupid or weird. You didn't hang out with them. They ended up on a different track. Where are they now? Who knows, but not where you want your own child to be.

Seriously, I think some of you have such ignorant blinders on that you don;t even think through what you post.

+1M

My 50yo brother is a case in point. Highly-educated and intelligent..Underemployed, disorganized, lone wolf, constantly losing things, forgetting things. How different his life might have been with support when he was young.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am sick and tired about hearing about the good old days when kids supposedly didn't have these disorders. Kids absolutely had these disorders, they just weren't treated for them. I am related to some of those kids, now adults, whose lives have been completely stunted by issues that today would be diagnosed and treated. They've had really, really challenging lives. There is no way in hell I would allow my child to suffer like that.

if you think back to when you were a kid I'll bet you can remember some of these kids. They seemed stupid or weird. You didn't hang out with them. They ended up on a different track. Where are they now? Who knows, but not where you want your own child to be.

Seriously, I think some of you have such ignorant blinders on that you don;t even think through what you post.

+1M

My 50yo brother is a case in point. Highly-educated and intelligent..Underemployed, disorganized, lone wolf, constantly losing things, forgetting things. How different his life might have been with support when he was young.

Or not....sometimes I think one of the reasons ADHD is so readily embraced by parents is that it seems to excuse so many of the shortcomings that held them back. This is no different than any parent who tries to relive life through their kids and do it right, this time. Oh, if only I'd had adderall when I was young, I would have finished some of those projects, gotten organized, made friends, and I wouldn't feel like such a failure today.....except what you don't know and what we all don't know about our medicated children, is what a brain will be like after 30 + years of medication that began when said brain was still forming.

Has it every occurred to anyone that everyone wasn't meant to be focused, organized, surrounded by people, etc.? Everyone isn't meant to do well in school or have a high-powered job that fully utilizes all their skills and makes them delirious with glee and IT DOES NOT MATTER.

Why must we have to destroy a generation to realize our folly?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am sick and tired about hearing about the good old days when kids supposedly didn't have these disorders. Kids absolutely had these disorders, they just weren't treated for them. I am related to some of those kids, now adults, whose lives have been completely stunted by issues that today would be diagnosed and treated. They've had really, really challenging lives. There is no way in hell I would allow my child to suffer like that.

if you think back to when you were a kid I'll bet you can remember some of these kids. They seemed stupid or weird. You didn't hang out with them. They ended up on a different track. Where are they now? Who knows, but not where you want your own child to be.

Seriously, I think some of you have such ignorant blinders on that you don;t even think through what you post.

So you think there was the same amount kids with: OCD, ASD, PD, ADD, ADHD, SPD, SAD, SP, GAD, and PAD back then? '

[Anonymous]

He's 12. He's almost a man. You sound like you are helicoptering. Its so loud, I hear the chopper blades rattling my windows. Let him grow up and stop micromanaging him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's 12. He's almost a man. You sound like you are helicoptering. Its so loud, I hear the chopper blades rattling my windows. Let him grow up and stop micromanaging him.

12 is almost a man? Huh? You know, you don't really become a man on your bar mitzvah.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's 12. He's almost a man. You sound like you are helicoptering. Its so loud, I hear the chopper blades rattling my windows. Let him grow up and stop micromanaging him.

12 is almost a man? Huh? You know, you don't really become a man on your bar mitzvah.

Yes, 12 is almost a man. Duh! At 14 he'll be shaving. Folks, stop babying your boys!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am sick and tired about hearing about the good old days when kids supposedly didn't have these disorders. Kids absolutely had these disorders, they just weren't treated for them. I am related to some of those kids, now adults, whose lives have been completely stunted by issues that today would be diagnosed and treated. They've had really, really challenging lives. There is no way in hell I would allow my child to suffer like that.

if you think back to when you were a kid I'll bet you can remember some of these kids. They seemed stupid or weird. You didn't hang out with them. They ended up on a different track. Where are they now? Who knows, but not where you want your own child to be.

Seriously, I think some of you have such ignorant blinders on that you don;t even think through what you post.

+1M

My 50yo brother is a case in point. Highly-educated and intelligent..Underemployed, disorganized, lone wolf, constantly losing things, forgetting things. How different his life might have been with support when he was young.

Or not....sometimes I think one of the reasons ADHD is so readily embraced by parents is that it seems to excuse so many of the shortcomings that held them back. This is no different than any parent who tries to relive life through their kids and do it right, this time. Oh, if only I'd had adderall when I was young, I would have finished some of those projects, gotten organized, made friends, and I wouldn't feel like such a failure today.....except what you don't know and what we all don't know about our medicated children, is what a brain will be like after 30 + years of medication that began when said brain was still forming.

Has it every occurred to anyone that everyone wasn't meant to be focused, organized, surrounded by people, etc.? Everyone isn't meant to do well in school or have a high-powered job that fully utilizes all their skills and makes them delirious with glee and IT DOES NOT MATTER.

Why must we have to destroy a generation to realize our folly?

Do you have a developmental disorder? Do you have a close relative who was never treated for a developmental disorder? Have you ever experienced depression? Sure, maybe people were "meant" to suffer with these disorders. Maybe people are also "meant" to suffer with cancer. But I would never, ever allow a child of mine to suffer if treatment was available.

And you know what, neither would you. I'm certain of it. You love your children and you do not want to see them suffer. You can be smug about all this from afar because you don't know what you are talking about.

I have seen the "destroyed" generation. They are in my family. You don;t see these folks because they fall away from your world, they live marginal lives. But they are there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's 12. He's almost a man. You sound like you are helicoptering. Its so loud, I hear the chopper blades rattling my windows. Let him grow up and stop micromanaging him.

12 is almost a man? Huh? You know, you don't really become a man on your bar mitzvah.

Yes, 12 is almost a man. Duh! At 14 he'll be shaving. Folks, stop babying your boys!

My 15 year old still doesn't shave.

But you have a funny definition of a man. By your definition we should be letting 14 year-olds drink, get married, sign contracts, serve in the military. Shut up adn stop babying that 12 year old! Give him a beer and a gun and send him to war!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's 12. He's almost a man. You sound like you are helicoptering. Its so loud, I hear the chopper blades rattling my windows. Let him grow up and stop micromanaging him.

12 is almost a man? Huh? You know, you don't really become a man on your bar mitzvah.

Yes, 12 is almost a man. Duh! At 14 he'll be shaving. Folks, stop babying your boys!

My 15 year old still doesn't shave.

But you have a funny definition of a man. By your definition we should be letting 14 year-olds drink, get married, sign contracts, serve in the military. Shut up adn stop babying that 12 year old! Give him a beer and a gun and send him to war!

Not the PP but you know and I know that is not what she meant. Does your guilt drive you to say things like beer and guns? What the heck. Just incase you don't understand, she meant stop micromanaging their lives. Stop thinking every little fault is a disorder, every little moment of not being a perky happy kid is depression. Every time they get nervous, it is anxiety. Everytime they can't concentrate it must be ADHD. Hormones are kicking in at 12. Rebellion too. Not being sure about yourself. Wanting to be something your not. Watching your body grown, expectations to behave better but you still treated like a child. More demands from school. More demands from home. Middle Schools sucks for 99% of the population. Kids take things out on their parents. This isn't anything new.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am sick and tired about hearing about the good old days when kids supposedly didn't have these disorders. Kids absolutely had these disorders, they just weren't treated for them. I am related to some of those kids, now adults, whose lives have been completely stunted by issues that today would be diagnosed and treated. They've had really, really challenging lives. There is no way in hell I would allow my child to suffer like that.

if you think back to when you were a kid I'll bet you can remember some of these kids. They seemed stupid or weird. You didn't hang out with them. They ended up on a different track. Where are they now? Who knows, but not where you want your own child to be.

Seriously, I think some of you have such ignorant blinders on that you don;t even think through what you post.

+1M

My 50yo brother is a case in point. Highly-educated and intelligent..Underemployed, disorganized, lone wolf, constantly losing things, forgetting things. How different his life might have been with support when he was young.

Or not....sometimes I think one of the reasons ADHD is so readily embraced by parents is that it seems to excuse so many of the shortcomings that held them back. This is no different than any parent who tries to relive life through their kids and do it right, this time. Oh, if only I'd had adderall when I was young, I would have finished some of those projects, gotten organized, made friends, and I wouldn't feel like such a failure today.....except what you don't know and what we all don't know about our medicated children, is what a brain will be like after 30 + years of medication that began when said brain was still forming.

Has it every occurred to anyone that everyone wasn't meant to be focused, organized, surrounded by people, etc.? Everyone isn't meant to do well in school or have a high-powered job that fully utilizes all their skills and makes them delirious with glee and IT DOES NOT MATTER.

Why must we have to destroy a generation to realize our folly?

Do you have a developmental disorder? Do you have a close relative who was never treated for a developmental disorder? Have you ever experienced depression? Sure, maybe people were "meant" to suffer with these disorders. Maybe people are also "meant" to suffer with cancer. But I would never, ever allow a child of mine to suffer if treatment was available.

And you know what, neither would you. I'm certain of it. You love your children and you do not want to see them suffer. You can be smug about all this from afar because you don't know what you are talking about.

I have seen the "destroyed" generation. They are in my family. You don;t see these folks because they fall away from your world, they live marginal lives. But they are there.

I am sorry about your family.

[Anonymous]

^wow, lots of typos. Sorry

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's 12. He's almost a man. You sound like you are helicoptering. Its so loud, I hear the chopper blades rattling my windows. Let him grow up and stop micromanaging him.

12 is almost a man? Huh? You know, you don't really become a man on your bar mitzvah.

Yes, 12 is almost a man. Duh! At 14 he'll be shaving. Folks, stop babying your boys!

My 15 year old still doesn't shave.

But you have a funny definition of a man. By your definition we should be letting 14 year-olds drink, get married, sign contracts, serve in the military. Shut up adn stop babying that 12 year old! Give him a beer and a gun and send him to war!

Not the PP but you know and I know that is not what she meant. Does your guilt drive you to say things like beer and guns? What the heck. Just incase you don't understand, she meant stop micromanaging their lives. Stop thinking every little fault is a disorder, every little moment of not being a perky happy kid is depression. Every time they get nervous, it is anxiety. Everytime they can't concentrate it must be ADHD. Hormones are kicking in at 12. Rebellion too. Not being sure about yourself. Wanting to be something your not. Watching your body grown, expectations to behave better but you still treated like a child. More demands from school. More demands from home. Middle Schools sucks for 99% of the population. Kids take things out on their parents. This isn't anything new.

Did you read the original post? This isn't something new, this is the way the kid has always been. Its not hormones or rebellion, its the way he's wired.

This is the thing that those of you with knee jerk reactions don't understand, that properly identifying and addressing the source of the problem is the ONLY way to stop micromanaging their lives. You can do the daily conflict of making sure they are on top of things, as OP is, constantly nagging and pushing and fighting until it gets done. Or you can give the child the tools to be self-sufficient. But to do that you need to figure out what those tools are. Does the child have depression? Treat the depression -- trust me, a depressed child is a pain in the ass but once they are no longer depressed, they can actually function on their own so much better. Does the child have ADHD? Treat the ADHD and presto, you have a child who can handle things on his own. Does the child have vision problems? Get him glasses and you are no longer needed. Does the child have poor organizational skills? Get the child some organizational systems and watch him take off. Is the child simply poorly motivated? Well, figure out what motivates him.

OP has three choices: (1) continue this constant daily battle, (2) step away completely so that her DS learns natural consequences through failure. Maybe that will lead him to on his own suddenly acquire the motivation he never had or maybe he will fall farther and farther and develop the behavioral pathologies that often flow from that, or (3) do the detective work to figure out why he is this way so you can address the issue and he will be able to manage his own life.

Those of you who are so quick with the lazy, unsupported ideological theories about "parents these days" aren't offering OP anything. She has a specific problem. Do you have a specific solution to offer?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
How in the world do you know that this kid does not have some form of "ADHD", rickets, mumps, or anything else.There are a lot of thoughtful posts by parents who have BTDT and offered helpful advice as well detailed accounting of their experience. The fact that OP even posted, IN DETAIL, about her son's long term issues is evidence that something needs to be done. No 12 yr old should just be allowed to be unhappy. There is something going on, even if it is just being an introvert struggling to deal with overstimulation in a world geared for the extrovert. OP owes it to her son to talk to a professional, doctor, therapist even if all she gets is some strategies to help her son to cope. Even if she received a prescription, she does not have to give it her kid. You do realize that you do not have to fill a prescription.
Good Luck to OP's son. I struggled with very low grade depression starting around his age. Kids should not be sad and no one tries to help.

OP did not state that her son was sad, just not motivated. OP stated that her other kids were not this way so she doesn't know what to do. Others have stated that he is different, so don't try to fit him into OP's idea of the "mold" (like her other kids).

You people are reading into things that aren't there. Again, quick to jump to some conclusion that the kid must have some disorder or something.

THE TITLE OF THE POST SAYS HE IS NOT HAPPY!!!!!!!! THAT IS SAD EINSTEIN!!!