If DH is a law firm partner, must I be the default parent?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^^women do this all.the.time. Why can't he?

Agree.

Has he given this one moment's thought wrt OP's career?

Law firm partners who are women do it by either having a husband who doesn't work/has a low stress job or they have a a lot of hired help (nanny, backup nanny, etc). When it got to the point where I was considering 2 fulltime nannies to have adequate coverage, I quit. I didn't want to farm out everything with respect to my children (and I am not against working obviously. I just wasn't comfortable with our children having 75+ hours a week without us. 40 was ok). And that is what it generally means when you are a partner. Usually, that means the other parent picks up the slack. In our case, I was also the default parent and it was pretty much impossible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We have a good but not great nanny. I know he won't be the one going to doctor's appointments. The trigger for this was his asking me what I had gotten our child (and his mom) for Christmas. When I said I hadn't because I've been busy at work he said he ha no ideas and he'd leave it up to me since I was "better" at it. Our son likes trains, trains, trains, balls, trains, and trains. I also told him he could order a present for his mom if he felt so strongly about it.

If you're not willing to suck it up and be the default parent, then you need to get a better nanny/personal assistant to do this stuff for you. He's clearly not willing to do it. And of course, ideally how you would manage parenting/running the household would be something you discuss before you get married and have children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. You should have thought about this before you went down this path. It is surprising that you did not.

I don;t think it is that surprising. I think most people have a general idea of what life with kids is going to be like but until you do it, you really don't have a concept of the day to day of family life. I certainly know that I am learning things as LOs get older and things tend to change with each phase. Its hard to predict. Sure if someone works 60-70 hour weeks, of course you can predict that they won't have much family time, but in less extreme cases, I think its easy to not really be sure what time changes are needed.

+1M

[Anonymous]

Take some of the money you two earn and make your family life easier. Home should be a place of refuge from the stress of the outside world - not a place of more negotiation, stress and tension. Some things have to drop from the ideal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We have a good but not great nanny. I know he won't be the one going to doctor's appointments. The trigger for this was his asking me what I had gotten our child (and his mom) for Christmas. When I said I hadn't because I've been busy at work he said he ha no ideas and he'd leave it up to me since I was "better" at it. Our son likes trains, trains, trains, balls, trains, and trains. I also told him he could order a present for his mom if he felt so strongly about it.

I don't think this has much to do with whether he's a law firm partner. He could do this task if he felt like it. He doesn't feel like it. You have one child. There really is a lot of time in the day, outside of work, for either one of you to pick out gifts for one child. After bedtime, nap time on the weekend, etc. Now whether either of you FEEL like doing this in your limited free time...that's the crux of the issue.

Take care of your own kid and tell him good luck with his mother. If she gets nothing, refer her to her son.

You are clueless as to what the demands are when it comes to certain occupations.

Like I said these are things that need to be resolved before one marries or has children. Alternatively, both parties should agree - if they are so inclined - that they will just settle for making a lot less money.

Yep, working these things out in advance is a great idea. But you know what? Sometimes circumstances change, or people change their minds about what they want. You should have a general sense going into marriage that you're on the same page, but you also need the flexibility to adapt when things don't turn out exactly how you would like them to. As the SAHM who posted about about wishing I still had my career, it was never our intention when we got married that I would be a SAHM, or that DH would be working the hours he does as a biglaw partner. But I was laid off while on maternity leave in a terrible economy, and with a brand new baby we decided I would take a little time before jumping back in. Well, a little time turned into deciding to have our second before I went back, which turned into a child who was potentially going to have significant special needs, and we just kept pushing off when I would go back until a "good" time. In the meantime, with the loss of my income, we ended up prioritizing DH's career that much more, because we didn't want to take the risk of him ending up unemployed also. All of it was done with the best of intentions and with full agreement between us, but unfortunately that still means I've ended up in a place I'm not totally happy with, but can't find a good way out of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. You should have thought about this before you went down this path. It is surprising that you did not.

I don;t think it is that surprising. I think most people have a general idea of what life with kids is going to be like but until you do it, you really don't have a concept of the day to day of family life. I certainly know that I am learning things as LOs get older and things tend to change with each phase. Its hard to predict. Sure if someone works 60-70 hour weeks, of course you can predict that they won't have much family time, but in less extreme cases, I think its easy to not really be sure what time changes are needed.

+1M

Sure. But OP is saying that this is an extreme case. He is a partner. He will be working 60-90 hour weeks, and he will be on call always. That is what it means. So she either has to be the default parent or she has to hire out absolutely everything. The same would be true of a female partner for the most part, although there is a very, very slight allowance for female partners to every year or so acknowledge that they have a kid with an obligation. There is no such allowance for men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^^women do this all.the.time. Why can't he?

Agree.

Has he given this one moment's thought wrt OP's career?

Law firm partners who are women do it by either having a husband who doesn't work/has a low stress job or they have a a lot of hired help (nanny, backup nanny, etc). When it got to the point where I was considering 2 fulltime nannies to have adequate coverage, I quit. I didn't want to farm out everything with respect to my children (and I am not against working obviously. I just wasn't comfortable with our children having 75+ hours a week without us. 40 was ok). And that is what it generally means when you are a partner. Usually, that means the other parent picks up the slack. In our case, I was also the default parent and it was pretty much impossible.

This. DH and I were both big law partners. Something had to give. We were both happy when we decided I'd SAH. We went on to have twins (kids #3 & 4) and have a great life. As for most childcare duties and nearly all household duties, I take care of it myself or outsource. I realize were are very lucky (and/or #blessed) that it's worked out well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, unless you want your child to be brought up by a nanny. If that is the case, get a good one. And a great preschool also.

This is exactly right. As a law firm partner, his clients come first so by definition he cannot commit to any family obligations.

I know the money is great but is ths worth it to most families? My husband was in private practice for a while, Long enough to pay off all loans and build a great nest egg. But now is Fed so he can be home by 6pm. Addmittedly ny husband is no longer very ambitious and thats ok. We both work FWIW. He is traveling for a family committment this week and I feel maxed out dealing with ONE kid solo parenting. I guess I just wonder if people in the end really feels its worth it to co parent with someone that "never commit to family functions"--

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, unless you want your child to be brought up by a nanny. If that is the case, get a good one. And a great preschool also.

This is exactly right. As a law firm partner, his clients come first so by definition he cannot commit to any family obligations.

I know the money is great but is ths worth it to most families? My husband was in private practice for a while, Long enough to pay off all loans and build a great nest egg. But now is Fed so he can be home by 6pm. Addmittedly ny husband is no longer very ambitious and thats ok. We both work FWIW. He is traveling for a family committment this week and I feel maxed out dealing with ONE kid solo parenting. I guess I just wonder if people in the end really feels its worth it to co parent with someone that "never commit to family functions"--

Not for my family. OP's family has obviously either decided it was or didn't think it through. Nobody was hiding the ball though. This is the life they have chosen, and it is annoying that she acts as if she didn't know that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. You should have thought about this before you went down this path. It is surprising that you did not.

I don;t think it is that surprising. I think most people have a general idea of what life with kids is going to be like but until you do it, you really don't have a concept of the day to day of family life. I certainly know that I am learning things as LOs get older and things tend to change with each phase. Its hard to predict. Sure if someone works 60-70 hour weeks, of course you can predict that they won't have much family time, but in less extreme cases, I think its easy to not really be sure what time changes are needed.

+1M

Sure circumstances change, but OP's child is 2. Surely three years ago, she knew that DH wanted to be a BigLaw partner or already was one. The hours and lifestyle are no secret and her dh has probably been working that way for some time. Saying she doesn't want to be the default parent is just strange, it was never reasonable to expect him to be. Perhaps it wasn't reasonable for him to assume she would be and they should have remained childless. But she is the one posing the question. Unless her dh is willing to leave Biglaw, she is going to have to be the default or leave the marriage (in which case, she's still the default parent).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We have a good but not great nanny. I know he won't be the one going to doctor's appointments. The trigger for this was his asking me what I had gotten our child (and his mom) for Christmas. When I said I hadn't because I've been busy at work he said he ha no ideas and he'd leave it up to me since I was "better" at it. Our son likes trains, trains, trains, balls, trains, and trains. I also told him he could order a present for his mom if he felt so strongly about it.

I don't think this has much to do with whether he's a law firm partner. He could do this task if he felt like it. He doesn't feel like it. You have one child. There really is a lot of time in the day, outside of work, for either one of you to pick out gifts for one child. After bedtime, nap time on the weekend, etc. Now whether either of you FEEL like doing this in your limited free time...that's the crux of the issue.

Take care of your own kid and tell him good luck with his mother. If she gets nothing, refer her to her son.

You are clueless as to what the demands are when it comes to certain occupations.

Like I said these are things that need to be resolved before one marries or has children. Alternatively, both parties should agree - if they are so inclined - that they will just settle for making a lot less money.

That is the time machine solution. But OP does not have a time machine. So now what?

They have several choices. He could downscale. She could downscale. Or they can hire out. But they can't do it all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We have a good but not great nanny. I know he won't be the one going to doctor's appointments. The trigger for this was his asking me what I had gotten our child (and his mom) for Christmas. When I said I hadn't because I've been busy at work he said he ha no ideas and he'd leave it up to me since I was "better" at it. Our son likes trains, trains, trains, balls, trains, and trains. I also told him he could order a present for his mom if he felt so strongly about it.

If you're not willing to suck it up and be the default parent, then you need to get a better nanny/personal assistant to do this stuff for you. He's clearly not willing to do it. And of course, ideally how you would manage parenting/running the household would be something you discuss before you get married and have children.

Or OP's husband could suck it up and find a less hour-requiring job.

But clearly he's not willing to do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We have a good but not great nanny. I know he won't be the one going to doctor's appointments. The trigger for this was his asking me what I had gotten our child (and his mom) for Christmas. When I said I hadn't because I've been busy at work he said he ha no ideas and he'd leave it up to me since I was "better" at it. Our son likes trains, trains, trains, balls, trains, and trains. I also told him he could order a present for his mom if he felt so strongly about it.

If you're not willing to suck it up and be the default parent, then you need to get a better nanny/personal assistant to do this stuff for you. He's clearly not willing to do it. And of course, ideally how you would manage parenting/running the household would be something you discuss before you get married and have children.

Or OP's husband could suck it up and find a less hour-requiring job.

But clearly he's not willing to do it.

Or, like many big law partner's wives I know, she won't let him. She wants his cash, but is unable to deal with the consequences. The alimony will be decent as long as he doesn't meet someone nicer who convinces him to take a lower-paying job.

[Anonymous]

^^IDK, the big law wives I know, are well aware of the tradeoffs. But we married our DHs before they were big law and love them nonetheless.

[Anonymous]

Or, like many big law partner's wives I know, she won't let him. She wants his cash, but is unable to deal with the consequences. The alimony will be decent as long as he doesn't meet someone nicer who convinces him to take a lower-paying job.

Ding Ding Ding.

This woman is getting divorced if she can't get over this. She'll get a nice child support check but I imagine, but there's no other way around this unless he leaves big law and she accepts a reduction in their collective earning. If she won't, well, child support runs and I feel sad for ya because you really don't love him.