If DH is a law firm partner, must I be the default parent?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^IDK, the big law wives I know, are well aware of the tradeoffs. But we married our DHs before they were big law and love them nonetheless.

And you understand that you are the default parent, right? OP does not. She wants her cake and to eat it too.

[Anonymous]

Biglaw is very demanding, stressful, and toxic. I think weekday emergencies that pop up are difficult for partner to tend to (sick days, doctor appointments etc). Things like games, recitals, your DH should be able to attend when he is not crazed at work. And, anything that can be done from a computer should be relatively easy for him to handle bc there is a lot of waiting around that happens at a law firm. He can easily order gifts online at a minimum.

[Anonymous]

I am the DW with an insane job and my husband is the one with a sane job but not a ton of flexibility. Our kids are 5 and 8 and in school full time. To make it work we have a very reliable nanny/housekeeper who works 50 hours a week and is 100% in charge of the house. Before the kids were in school full time we also had a cleaning service. Honestly, that resolved 90% of our issues. I have a tendency to "organize" the kids' lives and my husband is more the implementer. We also make sure we have a pediatrician who keeps hours on Saturday so all medical appt can be on the weekends. Peapod is our friend, and the rest we just work out on a case-by case basis. For example, Christmas present buying consists of a bottle wine after the kids go to bed and me on the computer and DH on the laptop as we figure out what to get them from Amazon and Toys R Us. We don't go to the stores to shop b/c it isn't fun or efficient. We wrap presents together late one night and catch-up on our day. I actually look forward to it. We also reevaluate our life on a regular basis to figure out if it s right for us. I can see myself stepping way back career wise in 4 or so years to be more physically present when the kids go through their teenage years.

There is no right or wrong answer, but remember you are going through some really tough parenting years. Keep lines of communication open, outsource everything house related, and look at the big picture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^IDK, the big law wives I know, are well aware of the tradeoffs. But we married our DHs before they were big law and love them nonetheless.

And you understand that you are the default parent, right? OP does not. She wants her cake and to eat it too.

Agreed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^IDK, the big law wives I know, are well aware of the tradeoffs. But we married our DHs before they were big law and love them nonetheless.

And you understand that you are the default parent, right? OP does not. She wants her cake and to eat it too.

Agreed.

[Anonymous]

Op, I think you ARE the default parent, and give-choosing for your child will largely fall on you. But you are not the default son -- your DH needs to buy his own mom a present.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is is why I SAH--so that there is always one of us available to make sure the kids are covered. On any given day, my DH can cover kid appointments/emergencies/activities, he just can't do it (on weekdays) with the regularity required when you have kids.

That being said, he does the majority of the kid stuff when he is home and has done about half of the Christmas shopping for the kids (Amazon makes it pretty easy).

This is also a big part of why I became a SAHM. Five years later, though, I'm really missing my career and want to go back to work, except the process of getting back into my old field while also being the default parent and having a biglaw partner husband who doesn't have a lot of flexibility is daunting at best.

I WOH but this is exactly why I never judge anyone for WOH, SAH or whatever. DH works and travels a lot but I have a ridiculously flexible job, and my parents are very, very, hands on. DD goes to preschool, and my dad watches DS and takes care of preschool pickup and drop off. On her days off of work, mom pitches in (and is retiring to help take care of the kids too). They often call on the weekends to ask if they can come watch the kids for a few hours in case we have things we would like to do. There is no way on earth we'd be able to manage without my work flexibility and my parents. Of course, I am still the default parent and it makes me crazy, oh well...

[Anonymous]

Yes, unless you hire someone to be the default parent.

[Anonymous]

Your "dear" husband sounds like a world class assclown. Tell him to prioritize, as you do, and must. I swear, some men act as though it is the women who have to negotiate everything around them.

Ugh.

[Anonymous]

Good discussions on who is the default parents when one spouse has such a demanding career.

I just found what prompt the original post to be ridiculous. Really, neither of you wants to buy Christmas presents for your son? I love buying Christmas presents now that I have a child. I look for interesting things for him all season long.
That is not a hardship at all. I will delegate all other jobs but not this one.

The husband can buy his own mother a gift, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^IDK, the big law wives I know, are well aware of the tradeoffs. But we married our DHs before they were big law and love them nonetheless.

And you understand that you are the default parent, right? OP does not. She wants her cake and to eat it too.

She wants her cake and to eat it too...how? I think she's asking for a fair division of labor, which she shouldn't have to ASK for because he should be doing as much as she does by default. Poor lawyer, he works too hard = baloney. I've known a lot of wily lawyers who make their jobs work for them. I'm certain he could do the same. Well, okay, not certain, but woe-is-me sob stories about the pressures of truly cushy jobs do not garner much sympathy from me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the DW with an insane job and my husband is the one with a sane job but not a ton of flexibility. Our kids are 5 and 8 and in school full time. To make it work we have a very reliable nanny/housekeeper who works 50 hours a week and is 100% in charge of the house. Before the kids were in school full time we also had a cleaning service. Honestly, that resolved 90% of our issues. I have a tendency to "organize" the kids' lives and my husband is more the implementer. We also make sure we have a pediatrician who keeps hours on Saturday so all medical appt can be on the weekends. Peapod is our friend, and the rest we just work out on a case-by case basis. For example, Christmas present buying consists of a bottle wine after the kids go to bed and me on the computer and DH on the laptop as we figure out what to get them from Amazon and Toys R Us. We don't go to the stores to shop b/c it isn't fun or efficient. We wrap presents together late one night and catch-up on our day. I actually look forward to it. We also reevaluate our life on a regular basis to figure out if it s right for us. I can see myself stepping way back career wise in 4 or so years to be more physically present when the kids go through their teenage years.

There is no right or wrong answer, but remember you are going through some really tough parenting years. Keep lines of communication open, outsource everything house related, and look at the big picture.

What is DW?

Divorced Wife?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the DW with an insane job and my husband is the one with a sane job but not a ton of flexibility. Our kids are 5 and 8 and in school full time. To make it work we have a very reliable nanny/housekeeper who works 50 hours a week and is 100% in charge of the house. Before the kids were in school full time we also had a cleaning service. Honestly, that resolved 90% of our issues. I have a tendency to "organize" the kids' lives and my husband is more the implementer. We also make sure we have a pediatrician who keeps hours on Saturday so all medical appt can be on the weekends. Peapod is our friend, and the rest we just work out on a case-by case basis. For example, Christmas present buying consists of a bottle wine after the kids go to bed and me on the computer and DH on the laptop as we figure out what to get them from Amazon and Toys R Us. We don't go to the stores to shop b/c it isn't fun or efficient. We wrap presents together late one night and catch-up on our day. I actually look forward to it. We also reevaluate our life on a regular basis to figure out if it s right for us. I can see myself stepping way back career wise in 4 or so years to be more physically present when the kids go through their teenage years.

There is no right or wrong answer, but remember you are going through some really tough parenting years. Keep lines of communication open, outsource everything house related, and look at the big picture.

What is DW?

Divorced Wife?

As opposed to Divorced Husband?

It's Dear Wife, or Darling Wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^IDK, the big law wives I know, are well aware of the tradeoffs. But we married our DHs before they were big law and love them nonetheless.

And you understand that you are the default parent, right? OP does not. She wants her cake and to eat it too.

She wants her cake and to eat it too...how? I think she's asking for a fair division of labor, which she shouldn't have to ASK for because he should be doing as much as she does by default. Poor lawyer, he works too hard = baloney. I've known a lot of wily lawyers who make their jobs work for them. I'm certain he could do the same. Well, okay, not certain, but woe-is-me sob stories about the pressures of truly cushy jobs do not garner much sympathy from me.

You think that a biglaw partner is a cushy job. You are truly ignorant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good discussions on who is the default parents when one spouse has such a demanding career.

I just found what prompt the original post to be ridiculous. Really, neither of you wants to buy Christmas presents for your son? I love buying Christmas presents now that I have a child. I look for interesting things for him all season long.
That is not a hardship at all. I will delegate all other jobs but not this one.

The husband can buy his own mother a gift, though.

I think the point is that the husband doesn't even want to do the "fun," relatively easy stuff and his excuse is that he doesn't know enough about his own kid to do it.