If DH is a law firm partner, must I be the default parent?

[Anonymous]

I don't buy you can be default parent and a partner. By my calculations you would have to be in the office a minimum of 10.5 hrs/day. With even a very short commute, this would leave about 30 mins every night with your kid. Or you could bring work home for after bedtime but that seems like hell and you would also need a staff to make lunches, do laundry, cook dinner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So at least 2 pps chimed in that they were biglaw partners and the default parent (and thus disagreeing with the other 99% of posters saying that it's not really possible) and both those pps were the DW. Of course.

Thus proving the point.

And at least one of them has a nanny and a husband who works a 9'tom5 schedule. More definition of default seems to be attending school events.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So at least 2 pps chimed in that they were biglaw partners and the default parent (and thus disagreeing with the other 99% of posters saying that it's not really possible) and both those pps were the DW. Of course.

Thus proving the point.

And at least one of them has a nanny and a husband who works a 9'tom5 schedule. More definition of default seems to be attending school events.[/quote
Her not more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So at least 2 pps chimed in that they were biglaw partners and the default parent (and thus disagreeing with the other 99% of posters saying that it's not really possible) and both those pps were the DW. Of course.

Thus proving the point.

And at least one of them has a nanny and a husband who works a 9'tom5 schedule. More definition of default seems to be attending school events.[/quote
Her not more.

I don't think so. "Default parent" in this case would be the one that keeps track of everything. This is me in our house. We have a full time nanny and a morning mother's helper and a cleaning service. But I (DW) am the one who had to hire these people, manage them, communicate with them, do payroll, deal with problems as they occur, etc.. I'm also the one who knows what size each of the kids wears, keeps the kids' calendars, makes sure the house is in general order before the nanny gets here, plans the meals, picks up in the evening, etc.. DH worries about himself and the few jobs he has assigned to him. Everyone else is my responsibility.

[Anonymous]

Take the money and stop whining.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So at least 2 pps chimed in that they were biglaw partners and the default parent (and thus disagreeing with the other 99% of posters saying that it's not really possible) and both those pps were the DW. Of course.

Thus proving the point.

And at least one of them has a nanny and a husband who works a 9'tom5 schedule. More definition of default seems to be attending school events.[/quote
Her not more.

I don't think so. "Default parent" in this case would be the one that keeps track of everything. This is me in our house. We have a full time nanny and a morning mother's helper and a cleaning service. But I (DW) am the one who had to hire these people, manage them, communicate with them, do payroll, deal with problems as they occur, etc.. I'm also the one who knows what size each of the kids wears, keeps the kids' calendars, makes sure the house is in general order before the nanny gets here, plans the meals, picks up in the evening, etc.. DH worries about himself and the few jobs he has assigned to him. Everyone else is my responsibility.

That isn"t the default parent, that's just managing the household. sounds like the default ifor your kids to be with paid help if you have both a nanny and mother's helper.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So at least 2 pps chimed in that they were biglaw partners and the default parent (and thus disagreeing with the other 99% of posters saying that it's not really possible) and both those pps were the DW. Of course.

Thus proving the point.

I do think it's possible. It's just really, really hard, and therefore pretty rare. The female partners at my firm usually didn't have kids. Those who did, had at least one nanny, or their husbands worked a flexible job. The male partners with kids mostly had stay at home wives. There just aren't enough hours in the day unless you are brilliant and super-productive and can get everything done in half the amount of time it takes most people.

DH and I are both government lawyers (both ex-Biglaw associates) and I wouldn't say either of us is the default parent. We split things pretty evenly. He does drop-off, I do pickup; kid is in daycare about 45 hours per week. I am in charge of all things food-related; he does a lot of bottle washing and diaper pail changing. We split our household duties fairly evenly too. I do a bit more, maybe 60% to his 40%, because I have a shorter commute and work from home one day a week. We have no outside help other than the lawn. But we are barely managing. I don't cook most nights; we do a lot meals assembled from whatever's in the fridge (salami, cheese, bread, etc). I know we could not do this if even one of us were still in Biglaw (let alone both). Thus far we have managed to avoid having one of us dial back in favor of the other's career, because we both love our jobs and are top performers and want to stay that way. Not sure how we will do that once we have a second kid, though. I feel lucky that we both recognized early on that Biglaw wasn't going to work and got out after about 5 years each. Unfortunately, a lot of people don't realize that soon enough, or can't make it out, and then they are stuck, like OP and her husband. It sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^IDK, the big law wives I know, are well aware of the tradeoffs. But we married our DHs before they were big law and love them nonetheless.

And you understand that you are the default parent, right? OP does not. She wants her cake and to eat it too.

Actually, OP did not sign up to be the default parent. Her DH signed her up for that, without consulting her.

The underlying assumption for many people on this thread seems to be that OP must work around DH. That he dictates the terms.

What did she expect? she agreed to those terms a long time ago when she married into Big Law. When she makes $500K+ she can dictate terms

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know. There is a mom in my son's class who is a law firm partner and she is the only one I have ever seen at drop off or pick up or at any type of school function. It's like the dad doesn't exist. So seems like she's the default parent.

What a shock - it probably depends whether law firm partner is the husband or the wife.

She picks her child up every day from school? This doesn't seem possible to me. Drop off I could see since many lawyers go in late, but pick up??

No, she doesn't pick up every day. I don't either. I work. But anytime I've been at pick up because of a special occasion (class party, holiday, etc), she is the one there.

I'm guessing she isn't a high earning partner. There are some firms that allow partners to work part time or take a slower pace for a few years, but this is only acceptable for women and they earn less because of it.

Totally disagree. I'm guessing that she has more flexibility in her schedule for one-off events like that, but would never be able to make the daily pickup work.

This is exactly right. I am a big law partner and never miss a special event, unless I'm traveling. But I never do pickup, and drop off is a special treat. Sorry, OP, I think you need to be the default parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He says yes. I say no. I work full time and we have a two year old.

The summer my husband interned at a big law firm downtown, he realized that every male partner was on his second wife/family--none of their first marriages had survived. He decided to apply for the DOH honors program instead, because he wanted to be a parent more than he wanted to be a partner. Priorities.

I am guessing you mean DOJ, and mine did too, and works 70 hour weeks as a trial lawyer/deputy chief in a very busy section. I am the default parent at a big law job (part time). So -- one size doesn't really fit all, KWIM? Many type A people stretch a job to fit their ambition/comfort level. Not saying that is optimal, but your experience is not the gold standard. There is more than one way to "be a parent".

Well, as another PP described it, "As a law firm partner, his clients come first so by definition he cannot commit to any family obligations."

I certainly think my standard for who is a parent is a lot better than that one.

well, of course. But for many government lawyers, the case comes first, too. It has little to do with the job, more to do with the person.

In any case, pp, what your spouse did is not relevant. OP chose to have a child with her DH, who appears to have most certainly been committed to the partner track when she became pregnant. OP never mentions wanting DH to change jobs, only that she doesn't want to be default parent. Sometimes we can get everything we want.

can not get everything we want.

Why would OP want more? At least her DH brings home $500K + and she can afford to SAH with help if she wants. Plenty of women who's husbands are homicide detectives working the same hours at 1/10 of the pay

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So at least 2 pps chimed in that they were biglaw partners and the default parent (and thus disagreeing with the other 99% of posters saying that it's not really possible) and both those pps were the DW. Of course.

Thus proving the point.

What point is there to be disproved? Biglaw is still quite demanding for Partners. Just because a handful of biglaw partners were able to have an army of staff, so they were able to spend two hours playing with them on the weekend proves nothing

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:why would you marry a lawyer? you know how it will turn out.

$$$

[Anonymous]

I have not read this entire thread, but I am a wife in big law, and, you know what, I'm the "default parent" too. At the end of the day, I'm the one my kids want when they are sick, I'm the one who goes to virtually all of the drs appointments, and I've never missed a single school function. I give up sleep and exercise. I am not complaining; this is the life that I chose, and I am the primary provider for my family, so we make it work. So to the original poster, NO, you are not the default parent, and your husband should suck it up and realize that he is part of the family. Now, if you want to quit your job, fine, in that case I would say that you get to pick up more of the slack.

I work a ton more hours than my DH, most of them at night into the wee hours in the morning. I would love for my DH to do more around the house, to set up playdates, etc., but it doesn't come naturally to him. But he does cook dinner every night, and for that I am thankful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have not read this entire thread, but I am a wife in big law, and, you know what, I'm the "default parent" too. At the end of the day, I'm the one my kids want when they are sick, I'm the one who goes to virtually all of the drs appointments, and I've never missed a single school function. I give up sleep and exercise. I am not complaining; this is the life that I chose, and I am the primary provider for my family, so we make it work. So to the original poster, NO, you are not the default parent, and your husband should suck it up and realize that he is part of the family. Now, if you want to quit your job, fine, in that case I would say that you get to pick up more of the slack.

I work a ton more hours than my DH, most of them at night into the wee hours in the morning. I would love for my DH to do more around the house, to set up playdates, etc., but it doesn't come naturally to him. But he does cook dinner every night, and for that I am thankful.

Disagree with the bolded part. Also have not read the thread. I work full time at a relatively demanding job with 2 kids and DH is also a law firm partner. I am definitely still the default parent because my schedule is still better and more flexible than his. Yes, it sucks but that's the reality. If you want a more equitable partnership than DH has to leave the firm. But as long as he's there, you will definitely be the default parent. That's just how it works.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, you probably do. It helps if you want to be a sahm or are a martyr. You'll probably go on very nice vacations a couple times a year as family time.