If DH is a law firm partner, must I be the default parent?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, unless you want your child to be brought up by a nanny. If that is the case, get a good one. And a great preschool also.

This is exactly right. As a law firm partner, his clients come first so by definition he cannot commit to any family obligations.

So there are two solutions for his problem of child care for his child.

1. He can compromise.
2. He can tell OP that she has to compromise.

There are a lot of unexamined assumptions here.

The thing is, he can't compromise. The compromise is to get a nanny. The law firm partner (assuming a top tier firm) is never going to be able to cancel a meeting to take a sick kid to the doctor or commit to show up at a play or sports game. Once in a while it will work out, and the partner can come to a sports event or chaperone a field trip, but the other spouse or nanny has got to be there as a back-up if the partner suddenly has a big meeting come up. Just the way it is.

[Anonymous]

Sort of goes with the territory if he is partner.

In a way these are the sort of things that should be discussed before one marries and/or has children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know. There is a mom in my son's class who is a law firm partner and she is the only one I have ever seen at drop off or pick up or at any type of school function. It's like the dad doesn't exist. So seems like she's the default parent.

What a shock - it probably depends whether law firm partner is the husband or the wife.

She picks her child up every day from school? This doesn't seem possible to me. Drop off I could see since many lawyers go in late, but pick up??

No, she doesn't pick up every day. I don't either. I work. But anytime I've been at pick up because of a special occasion (class party, holiday, etc), she is the one there.

I'm guessing she isn't a high earning partner. There are some firms that allow partners to work part time or take a slower pace for a few years, but this is only acceptable for women and they earn less because of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, unless you want your child to be brought up by a nanny. If that is the case, get a good one. And a great preschool also.

This is exactly right. As a law firm partner, his clients come first so by definition he cannot commit to any family obligations.

So there are two solutions for his problem of child care for his child.

1. He can compromise.
2. He can tell OP that she has to compromise.

There are a lot of unexamined assumptions here.

The thing is, he can't compromise. The compromise is to get a nanny. The law firm partner (assuming a top tier firm) is never going to be able to cancel a meeting to take a sick kid to the doctor or commit to show up at a play or sports game. Once in a while it will work out, and the partner can come to a sports event or chaperone a field trip, but the other spouse or nanny has got to be there as a back-up if the partner suddenly has a big meeting come up. Just the way it is.

+1 agree with this totally.

My best friend's husband is married to a law firm partner and this is exactly the way it works. They still have a nanny for their one child who is 8.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know. There is a mom in my son's class who is a law firm partner and she is the only one I have ever seen at drop off or pick up or at any type of school function. It's like the dad doesn't exist. So seems like she's the default parent.

What a shock - it probably depends whether law firm partner is the husband or the wife.

She picks her child up every day from school? This doesn't seem possible to me. Drop off I could see since many lawyers go in late, but pick up??

No, she doesn't pick up every day. I don't either. I work. But anytime I've been at pick up because of a special occasion (class party, holiday, etc), she is the one there.

I'm guessing she isn't a high earning partner. There are some firms that allow partners to work part time or take a slower pace for a few years, but this is only acceptable for women and they earn less because of it.

Or she could be partner at a small firm. The partners at my small firm work very reasonable hours, barring emergencies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know. There is a mom in my son's class who is a law firm partner and she is the only one I have ever seen at drop off or pick up or at any type of school function. It's like the dad doesn't exist. So seems like she's the default parent.

What a shock - it probably depends whether law firm partner is the husband or the wife.

She picks her child up every day from school? This doesn't seem possible to me. Drop off I could see since many lawyers go in late, but pick up??

No, she doesn't pick up every day. I don't either. I work. But anytime I've been at pick up because of a special occasion (class party, holiday, etc), she is the one there.

I'm guessing she isn't a high earning partner. There are some firms that allow partners to work part time or take a slower pace for a few years, but this is only acceptable for women and they earn less because of it.

I don't even know if this is true or not, but if it is true it's really kind of fucked up, don't you think?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know. There is a mom in my son's class who is a law firm partner and she is the only one I have ever seen at drop off or pick up or at any type of school function. It's like the dad doesn't exist. So seems like she's the default parent.

What a shock - it probably depends whether law firm partner is the husband or the wife.

She picks her child up every day from school? This doesn't seem possible to me. Drop off I could see since many lawyers go in late, but pick up??

No, she doesn't pick up every day. I don't either. I work. But anytime I've been at pick up because of a special occasion (class party, holiday, etc), she is the one there.

I'm guessing she isn't a high earning partner. There are some firms that allow partners to work part time or take a slower pace for a few years, but this is only acceptable for women and they earn less because of it.

Or she could be partner at a small firm. The partners at my small firm work very reasonable hours, barring emergencies.

Nope. Big firm. National reputation.

[Anonymous]

DW of partner here.

Yes unless you want kid to be raised by a nanny.

However; I found that DH worked the hardest/longest hours while trying to become partner.

Then after being partner for a few years, he got to a level where he had more freedom as he could delegate down more.

[Anonymous]

This is one of those issues that absolutely should be discussed before marriage and kids. My DH isn't a law partner, but he does have a job with similar demands. There is no way we could have the kind of life we want for our family if I were working full time. He has a much higher income. One of us needed to scale back. It was simple economics. It made more sense for me to SAH and then later work part-time. It helps that I never wanted a career. I loved being a SAHM when my kids were little and I love my little part-time job now.

The time to figure this stuff out is NOT after you get married and have kids. I know that doesn't really help in the OP's situation.

[Anonymous]

OP here. We have a good but not great nanny. I know he won't be the one going to doctor's appointments. The trigger for this was his asking me what I had gotten our child (and his mom) for Christmas. When I said I hadn't because I've been busy at work he said he ha no ideas and he'd leave it up to me since I was "better" at it. Our son likes trains, trains, trains, balls, trains, and trains. I also told him he could order a present for his mom if he felt so strongly about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He says yes. I say no. I work full time and we have a two year old.

It wholly depends on a lot more than what you've offered. What are his billable hour requirements (if any)? Does he do litigation? Aren't some times busier than others in which case couldn't you trade off who is the default parent during those times? What is your current childcare arrangement and can you supplement it? For example, if your current arrangement is an at home childcare and you can't send your child when he's sick, can you use White House nannies for those days rather than either of you staying home with the toddler?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We have a good but not great nanny. I know he won't be the one going to doctor's appointments. The trigger for this was his asking me what I had gotten our child (and his mom) for Christmas. When I said I hadn't because I've been busy at work he said he ha no ideas and he'd leave it up to me since I was "better" at it. Our son likes trains, trains, trains, balls, trains, and trains. I also told him he could order a present for his mom if he felt so strongly about it.

OK, this has nothing whatsoever to do with him being a law partner.

He's using "I'm a law partner!" as an excuse for making you do things he could do but doesn't want to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, unless you want your child to be brought up by a nanny. If that is the case, get a good one. And a great preschool also.

This is exactly right. As a law firm partner, his clients come first so by definition he cannot commit to any family obligations.

So there are two solutions for his problem of child care for his child.

1. He can compromise.
2. He can tell OP that she has to compromise.

There are a lot of unexamined assumptions here.

The thing is, he can't compromise. The compromise is to get a nanny. The law firm partner (assuming a top tier firm) is never going to be able to cancel a meeting to take a sick kid to the doctor or commit to show up at a play or sports game. Once in a while it will work out, and the partner can come to a sports event or chaperone a field trip, but the other spouse or nanny has got to be there as a back-up if the partner suddenly has a big meeting come up. Just the way it is.

Yes, he can compromise. He can compromise by finding a job that allows him more flexibility.

[Anonymous]

^^^women do this all.the.time. Why can't he?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We have a good but not great nanny. I know he won't be the one going to doctor's appointments. The trigger for this was his asking me what I had gotten our child (and his mom) for Christmas. When I said I hadn't because I've been busy at work he said he ha no ideas and he'd leave it up to me since I was "better" at it. Our son likes trains, trains, trains, balls, trains, and trains. I also told him he could order a present for his mom if he felt so strongly about it.

I don't think this has much to do with whether he's a law firm partner. He could do this task if he felt like it. He doesn't feel like it. You have one child. There really is a lot of time in the day, outside of work, for either one of you to pick out gifts for one child. After bedtime, nap time on the weekend, etc. Now whether either of you FEEL like doing this in your limited free time...that's the crux of the issue.

Take care of your own kid and tell him good luck with his mother. If she gets nothing, refer her to her son.