If DH is a law firm partner, must I be the default parent?

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I was a biglaw partner, government attorney and am now in house. I can absolutely say without a doubt that if you expect much from a biglaw partner you are going to be screwed. These aren't just demanding jobs. They are demanding jobs with tons of travel (often) and toxic environments that demand your number one priority be keeping an eye out so you don't get shanked by someone else. The amount of back stabbing, politics, and general stress (because just being a lawyer is stressful without the additional nonsense that is biglaw).

Honestly, if you can swing it for a bit, take the cash and run once it becomes too much. Encourage your DH to get a lower paying job because if he stays and you really want a partner who is present, you are going to be solely disappointment. And divorced. Or widowed if you are really (un)lucky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know. There is a mom in my son's class who is a law firm partner and she is the only one I have ever seen at drop off or pick up or at any type of school function. It's like the dad doesn't exist. So seems like she's the default parent.

What a shock - it probably depends whether law firm partner is the husband or the wife.

She picks her child up every day from school? This doesn't seem possible to me. Drop off I could see since many lawyers go in late, but pick up??

No, she doesn't pick up every day. I don't either. I work. But anytime I've been at pick up because of a special occasion (class party, holiday, etc), she is the one there.

I'm guessing she isn't a high earning partner. There are some firms that allow partners to work part time or take a slower pace for a few years, but this is only acceptable for women and they earn less because of it.

Totally disagree. I'm guessing that she has more flexibility in her schedule for one-off events like that, but would never be able to make the daily pickup work.

[Anonymous]

My husband has a similar job, not law partner, and he usually makes the big events like recitals and games but misses out on the day to day, like what our kids are really into and would like for Christmas. He doesn't know their best friends' or teachers' names. I almost think that's worse.

[Anonymous]

Good grief, what the eff is wrong with you that you don't want to pick out Christmas presents for your son that are going to make him happy? Maybe you should give him to your nanny.

[Anonymous]

This is is why I SAH--so that there is always one of us available to make sure the kids are covered. On any given day, my DH can cover kid appointments/emergencies/activities, he just can't do it (on weekdays) with the regularity required when you have kids.

That being said, he does the majority of the kid stuff when he is home and has done about half of the Christmas shopping for the kids (Amazon makes it pretty easy).

[Anonymous]

Yes. You should have thought about this before you went down this path. It is surprising that you did not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is is why I SAH--so that there is always one of us available to make sure the kids are covered. On any given day, my DH can cover kid appointments/emergencies/activities, he just can't do it (on weekdays) with the regularity required when you have kids.

That being said, he does the majority of the kid stuff when he is home and has done about half of the Christmas shopping for the kids (Amazon makes it pretty easy).

This is also a big part of why I became a SAHM. Five years later, though, I'm really missing my career and want to go back to work, except the process of getting back into my old field while also being the default parent and having a biglaw partner husband who doesn't have a lot of flexibility is daunting at best.

[Anonymous]

Would you be okay if he went from making 500K a year to 125K?

[Anonymous]

I refuse to believe that any job is so demanding you can't spend 20 minutes on Amazon ordering a few presents. If people want to do it, it will get done.

Does anyone ever bother to calculate how much these people are actually making per hour? Yes, it's a ton of money but it's not so great if you're working 75 hours a week vs. 45.

[Anonymous]

yes. you are the default parent and default household-runner.

this conversation should have occurred before your husband took the partnership.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, unless you want your child to be brought up by a nanny. If that is the case, get a good one. And a great preschool also.

This is exactly right. As a law firm partner, his clients come first so by definition he cannot commit to any family obligations.

So there are two solutions for his problem of child care for his child.

1. He can compromise.
2. He can tell OP that she has to compromise.

There are a lot of unexamined assumptions here.

+1M

[Anonymous]

I would think so--but the thing is, if you both work full time, the "default parent" is the delegator.

I keep track of way more than my DH does in terms of household and childcare issues, but he actually carries out about half of it. I tell him "X, y, and z need to happen when you get home," and he takes sick days for our kid when he can (30-40% of the time?).

His job is more stressful than mine and involves travel, so I'm the continuity in terms of keeping up with things.

It took awhile to get from "You just think you have to control everything" to him actually admitting that what I did was a valuable contribution to the household and actually made his life better and kept the wheels from falling off the bus. Took a few big arguments to get there, but we did. (In other words, he was far from "assigning" me the "default" parent role consciously--rather I had to fight to get him to appreciate what his job put me in the position of needing to do.)

If he's going to start off recognizing it (and damn well better be appreciating it), sit down and talk about what it makes sense for him to be in charge of and where you will keep track of things but let him know that Sunday afternoon x and y need to get done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We have a good but not great nanny. I know he won't be the one going to doctor's appointments. The trigger for this was his asking me what I had gotten our child (and his mom) for Christmas. When I said I hadn't because I've been busy at work he said he ha no ideas and he'd leave it up to me since I was "better" at it. Our son likes trains, trains, trains, balls, trains, and trains. I also told him he could order a present for his mom if he felt so strongly about it.

Tell him you will get something for his mom and he will get something for your mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^^women do this all.the.time. Why can't he?

Agree.

Has he given this one moment's thought wrt OP's career?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^^women do this all.the.time. Why can't he?

Agree.

Has he given this one moment's thought wrt OP's career?

If he's a biglaw partner, why should he have? OP doesn't seem to have.