How does a parent recover from this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of this is out of all of your hands too, right? It has to do with whether the victim's family presses charges, which they have every right to do.

In addition to a therapist, your sister's family needs a lawyer. Obviously the kid needs therapy, rehabilitation and punishment, but you need someone to help you navigate all of that. My dad was a public defender for years. There are good ones. They can help your sister figure out how to reach out to the victim's family (if appropriate) without aggravating the situation in a legal sense.

All of the legal stuff is out of my hands. Hell, it's out of my league, even wrapping my head around it.
My sister is the one who told the little girls mother. My sister stated the mom said "I was raped as a kid and I turned out fine so it's no big deal"
Horrifying, I know. My sister is who called the police and the police in turn called CPS.

Wow. Your sister has incredible integrity. I would be proud to have a sister like that.

Maybe I missed it, but if the mom said she had been raped as a kid, maybe there is something more in that household and your nephew is getting the blame as the child knew someone like your sister would get help and that was her only way of reaching out. Did your nephew admit to it? I would not reach out to the school either. Get him private counseling and help that he needs, if he did it. If he didn't do it, get him counseling as that accusation can also damage him. Your sister has done everything right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP,
It may be for the best if the police let the parents handle it. I REALLY hate to say this, but I went through this as a child as well. I was abused from age 7-11ish and I finally spoke up and told a friend and my mom found out. She went to the police and I ended up having to go to court and face the person who did this to me and he denied it. It was humiliating and traumatic for me. I still believe it affects me today (many, many years later). I resent my mom for how this was handled. Nothing happened to the person who abused me. I think it's best to let the victims mother handle it. As far as your nephew, I don't know what to say. That's tough. What a horrible situation for everyone involved.

As a parent, your mom did the right thing. She should have reported it. She cannot change how the police decided to handle it but that is not fair to blame your mom who tried her best to support you. You are blaming the wrong person.

I don't want to make this about me, but I feel the need to respond and let you know that you do not have all the information. She reported it for the wrong reason and I know this for a fact. Trust me when I tell you that you have no idea the dysfunction of this situation. Trust me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

He is a pedophile. This isn't the first time he has done this or thought about it. Why isn't she protecting her other children!? This won't be the last time either if he does't get help. Do something! If not you, then who?

This isn't necessarily true. There are different kinds of people who molest children. The first thing a therapist should do is figure out what kind of person the nephew is.

Some are pedophiles who are attracted to children under the age of 12-13. They have an attraction to children and they have to work all of their life to avoid acting out on their sexual desires.

Some are opportunists -- they have a sexual impulse and they use a child as a convenient way to fulfill it. Some are addicted/alcoholics and do it because they have zero judgment in that moment (a special kind of opportunism). Some have poor impulse control. There are also young people who have been abused and are acting out the abuse behavior that they have learned. All of these people can be retrained to other behaviors through good cognitive behavioral therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP,
It may be for the best if the police let the parents handle it. I REALLY hate to say this, but I went through this as a child as well. I was abused from age 7-11ish and I finally spoke up and told a friend and my mom found out. She went to the police and I ended up having to go to court and face the person who did this to me and he denied it. It was humiliating and traumatic for me. I still believe it affects me today (many, many years later). I resent my mom for how this was handled. Nothing happened to the person who abused me. I think it's best to let the victims mother handle it. As far as your nephew, I don't know what to say. That's tough. What a horrible situation for everyone involved.

This is called "disclosure trauma." It is common in child victims of sexual assault. The kids often say that the freak-out and reaction among adults is more traumatic than the actual abuse itself. Going to court, talking to CPS, seeing therapists, your mother telling you that you have been damaged for life, having a family member go to prison, family members fighting over what happened -- all of those things can be more traumatic for a kid than the sexual abuse itself. It's important to tread carefully and calmly when handling a child's disclosure.

[Anonymous]

OP, if CPS isn't inclined to act then really all you can do is protect your own kids. You can't force the other girl's parents to press charges, etc.

How sad that this may not even be properly investigated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What type of sexual assault was it op? My cousin at the age of 17 raped a very young girl and he got sentenced to 20 years in prison because the crime was so awful. He stayed in a juvenile facility until age 25 then went to real prison.

Somewhere in the sequence, OP described it as the boy pull it out of his soccer shorts, and masturbated, and had the girl touch it. Somewhat different than raping a small child. (no physical injury).

[Anonymous]

No practical advice but to answer the original question in the title ...

npr recently had a story that said most people will go back to the same state of happiness they once had 3 months after a very traumatic event. So with that in mind, apparently the parent will recover in a few months.

[Anonymous]

I really think that OP is a troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really think that OP is a troll.

I hope not. It is a terrible story to fabricate. It would be very sick and twisted too.

[Anonymous]

I wonder if the little girl is being abused by someone else. Either in a half asleep stupor and saw nephew and it brought on the memories of abuse or in a cry for help. Cops investigated and either found story was false or she was being abused by someone else. CPS is investigating her family but cops aren't at liberty to discuss it with sister.

OP, did the nephew say he did it?

[Anonymous]

OP, if CPS will not doing anything, if the police will not do anything, if your sister is the only one taking this seriously, then I would say that my advice to her would be to take it seriously.

Her daughters cannot have sleepovers anymore. Her son does not get to have sleepovers or attend them either. Her son needs to go to therapy. The little girl who reported the incident needs to speak to a therapist of some kind.

If this was my child, if I reported what had happened and no one was willing to do anything, I would still do something. The action does not become right just because no other authority figures are willing to do anything about it. My son would go to therapy. He would not be allowed to be alone around other children. It would be difficult, with younger kids and a lot going on, but that is what would need to happen to keep everyone safe.

After years of therapy and no other incidents, I would be willing to allow a seriously fucked up judgment error on the part of my son, but I would never, ever forget it and would have a hard time trusting him again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really think that OP is a troll.

Jeff says likely not, and I'm sorry to say this situation sounds entirely plausible.

Stop giving the op a hard time. She's dealing with enough horror and grief. If you can't help, then at least stop posting.

[Anonymous]

I would put the pedophile in prison

[Anonymous]

Man this post is creepy and how many people saying they were abused following up on it.

He sounds despicable. I would want my own child in rehab/jail if they did this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Man this post is creepy and how many people saying they were abused following up on it.

He sounds despicable. I would want my own child in rehab/jail if they did this.

Really? I feel a lot of compassion for the boy who may either be being falsley accused, or a victim of prior abuse, or just a boy who did something incredibly impulsive and dumb. Per the description this does not sound like a life altering event for the girl.