How does a parent recover from this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, consider he has some unrecognized (or recognized) mental health issues or was abused himself (and your sister did not know).

OP here, I do wonder if he's been physically abused as well. I know mentally, yes, he was by his father before he died. The anniversary of his death is this week.
I am so scared for my nephew. My sister is begging for answers if he needs jail or therapy and I just don't know. It's been 12 hours since I first learned of this, and only 14 since it happened. It's not about me, I know, please don't think I'm trying to make this about my disgust and horror, I am just sitting here at work in a fog.

OP, he is 16, which means that unless the crime falls into a category that allows him to be tried as an adult, then he will remain in the juvenile system. The juvenile system is designed to rehabilitate and any punishment ends at either age 18 or 22 depending on the state. In my experience, which admittedly, is quite awhile ago and not in the DC area, it was common to send kids who committed such offenses into a residential program. The thinking back then was that at age 16, you are so close to adulthood that we need to make you understand the seriousness of your actions and we need to give you as intense of a treatment/rehab experience as we possibly can. Thing is, though, it is totally out of the hands of the parents. The courts decide what will happen.

I'm sorry for your sister, for the 9 year old and for you. And, FWIW, I wouldn't let him come to live with me either if he were one of my relatives. Don't feel the least bit bad about that. You need to take care of your own family and your sister.

I have no idea what any of the official people where my sister lives are thinking. The police are involved, of course, and CPS was notified (the assault happened at my sisters home, during the night. Her girls were having a sleepover). My sister is scared of losing her other kids during this, is that a possibility? Oh dear god, it's like a nightmare that keeps growing in layers. The children have state health insurance since their father died so I am looking up providers who take that. There aren't many. I had no idea

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of this is out of all of your hands too, right? It has to do with whether the victim's family presses charges, which they have every right to do.

In addition to a therapist, your sister's family needs a lawyer. Obviously the kid needs therapy, rehabilitation and punishment, but you need someone to help you navigate all of that. My dad was a public defender for years. There are good ones. They can help your sister figure out how to reach out to the victim's family (if appropriate) without aggravating the situation in a legal sense.

All of the legal stuff is out of my hands. Hell, it's out of my league, even wrapping my head around it.
My sister is the one who told the little girls mother. My sister stated the mom said "I was raped as a kid and I turned out fine so it's no big deal"
Horrifying, I know. My sister is who called the police and the police in turn called CPS.

[Anonymous]

OP, if the victim's guardians have reported this to the police (which they should!) your sister can expect to have child protective services involved with her family. Social workers and the police will likely want to interview her younger children, and what they find out may be devastating. In DC, we have Safe Shores, which is an organization that assists in interviewing possible child sexual abuse victims where the police and child services collaborate to have the child interviewed by a skilled clinician in a safe setting, and it is video recorded. This assists in keeping kids from being re-traumatized by having to tell their stories over and over again, sometimes to less-than-skilled professionals. I would assist your sister my seeing if there is anything like this available in her area for her younger children.

Assuming your nephew is detained by the police, when/if he is released (pretrial), child protective services will make a detailed safety plan to ensure that his siblings will be safe. This may mean that he can't be released to her custody. If no other relatives are available, this may mean he would go to a group home or treatment facility. In my experience with these type of cases (forgot to mention I"m a social worker!), after trial or as part of a plea deal, the offenders are usually sentenced to a long-term (1-2 year) treatment program.

My heart goes out to all of you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of this is out of all of your hands too, right? It has to do with whether the victim's family presses charges, which they have every right to do.

In addition to a therapist, your sister's family needs a lawyer. Obviously the kid needs therapy, rehabilitation and punishment, but you need someone to help you navigate all of that. My dad was a public defender for years. There are good ones. They can help your sister figure out how to reach out to the victim's family (if appropriate) without aggravating the situation in a legal sense.

All of the legal stuff is out of my hands. Hell, it's out of my league, even wrapping my head around it.
My sister is the one who told the little girls mother. My sister stated the mom said "I was raped as a kid and I turned out fine so it's no big deal"
Horrifying, I know. My sister is who called the police and the police in turn called CPS.

Wow. Your sister has incredible integrity. I would be proud to have a sister like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, consider he has some unrecognized (or recognized) mental health issues or was abused himself (and your sister did not know).

OP here, I do wonder if he's been physically abused as well. I know mentally, yes, he was by his father before he died. The anniversary of his death is this week.
I am so scared for my nephew. My sister is begging for answers if he needs jail or therapy and I just don't know. It's been 12 hours since I first learned of this, and only 14 since it happened. It's not about me, I know, please don't think I'm trying to make this about my disgust and horror, I am just sitting here at work in a fog.

OP, he is 16, which means that unless the crime falls into a category that allows him to be tried as an adult, then he will remain in the juvenile system. The juvenile system is designed to rehabilitate and any punishment ends at either age 18 or 22 depending on the state. In my experience, which admittedly, is quite awhile ago and not in the DC area, it was common to send kids who committed such offenses into a residential program. The thinking back then was that at age 16, you are so close to adulthood that we need to make you understand the seriousness of your actions and we need to give you as intense of a treatment/rehab experience as we possibly can. Thing is, though, it is totally out of the hands of the parents. The courts decide what will happen.

I'm sorry for your sister, for the 9 year old and for you. And, FWIW, I wouldn't let him come to live with me either if he were one of my relatives. Don't feel the least bit bad about that. You need to take care of your own family and your sister.

I have no idea what any of the official people where my sister lives are thinking. The police are involved, of course, and CPS was notified (the assault happened at my sisters home, during the night. Her girls were having a sleepover). My sister is scared of losing her other kids during this, is that a possibility? Oh dear god, it's like a nightmare that keeps growing in layers. The children have state health insurance since their father died so I am looking up providers who take that. There aren't many. I had no idea

Don't worry about the health insurance right now. Their mom should talk to the school counselor. He or she is already on the hook to support them. At a minimum they are traumatized by what happened over the weekend. They can hopefully help her navigate getting the girls further help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of this is out of all of your hands too, right? It has to do with whether the victim's family presses charges, which they have every right to do.

In addition to a therapist, your sister's family needs a lawyer. Obviously the kid needs therapy, rehabilitation and punishment, but you need someone to help you navigate all of that. My dad was a public defender for years. There are good ones. They can help your sister figure out how to reach out to the victim's family (if appropriate) without aggravating the situation in a legal sense.

All of the legal stuff is out of my hands. Hell, it's out of my league, even wrapping my head around it.
My sister is the one who told the little girls mother. My sister stated the mom said "I was raped as a kid and I turned out fine so it's no big deal"
Horrifying, I know. My sister is who called the police and the police in turn called CPS.

Wow. Your sister has incredible integrity. I would be proud to have a sister like that.

+1 Indeed.

[Anonymous]

School counselor here again. The fact that it happened to a friend at a slumber party will make it much more difficult for your nieces. She will likely be ostracized socially for some time (could be more or less time depending on their ages). While a school counselor is never a replacement for a therapist, a good one will help your nieces navigate their changing social landscape.

[Anonymous]

I know you said it was impossible but I'd also re-examine your decision not to travel. Obviously I don't know your limitations. But if I was your sister going through this with my family I'd want any and all trusted people by my side. There's no greater show of solidarity, even if it's just a weekend.

[Anonymous]

A few things to realize here....and I speak as someone who "assaulted" a child when I was 14. I put it in quotation marks because I did not touch, she did not touch...but I looked, encouraging her to show me, and I showed her.

This does not mean that the boy is a pedophile. He clearly did something wrong, but it could have been mostly either a response to his abuse combined with sexual curiosity; in my case, I had been assaulted when I was 9-10.

I was not caught. I did get accused of impropriety with another child, but nothing happened. I am horribly ashamed of it.

Sexual assault covers a broad range of activities: from masturbating in front of her, all the way to Rape -- it is possible that he did not realize what he was doing was wrong, as he rationalized his own abuse. If he raped her, this is really bad.

With that said, the fact that your niece's won't talk about it suggests something may have happened. If nothing had happened, they would say "eww gross" or something similar.

The victim needs to come first. She needs to know it was not her fault. It is better that she gets the help now vs later...the secondary issues may be avoidable.

Your nephew needs help now -- he can not be around your nieces. He needs to be in an appropriate setting without small children. Protecting the children comes first, but remember he is one too.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of this is out of all of your hands too, right? It has to do with whether the victim's family presses charges, which they have every right to do.

In addition to a therapist, your sister's family needs a lawyer. Obviously the kid needs therapy, rehabilitation and punishment, but you need someone to help you navigate all of that. My dad was a public defender for years. There are good ones. They can help your sister figure out how to reach out to the victim's family (if appropriate) without aggravating the situation in a legal sense.

All of the legal stuff is out of my hands. Hell, it's out of my league, even wrapping my head around it.
My sister is the one who told the little girls mother. My sister stated the mom said "I was raped as a kid and I turned out fine so it's no big deal"
Horrifying, I know. My sister is who called the police and the police in turn called CPS.

Wow. Your sister has incredible integrity. I would be proud to have a sister like that.

I am so proud to be her sister. She is devastated, but last night just kept breaking down talking about the little girl. Because her son hurt her in the most heinous way possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:School counselor here again. The fact that it happened to a friend at a slumber party will make it much more difficult for your nieces. She will likely be ostracized socially for some time (could be more or less time depending on their ages). While a school counselor is never a replacement for a therapist, a good one will help your nieces navigate their changing social landscape.

The niece who's friend this was at the slumber party, is already fragile. God I hope this isn't pushed on her shoulders.
She was sound asleep when it happened.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, if the victim's guardians have reported this to the police (which they should!) your sister can expect to have child protective services involved with her family. Social workers and the police will likely want to interview her younger children, and what they find out may be devastating. In DC, we have Safe Shores, which is an organization that assists in interviewing possible child sexual abuse victims where the police and child services collaborate to have the child interviewed by a skilled clinician in a safe setting, and it is video recorded. This assists in keeping kids from being re-traumatized by having to tell their stories over and over again, sometimes to less-than-skilled professionals. I would assist your sister my seeing if there is anything like this available in her area for her younger children.

Assuming your nephew is detained by the police, when/if he is released (pretrial), child protective services will make a detailed safety plan to ensure that his siblings will be safe. This may mean that he can't be released to her custody. If no other relatives are available, this may mean he would go to a group home or treatment facility. In my experience with these type of cases (forgot to mention I"m a social worker!), after trial or as part of a plea deal, the offenders are usually sentenced to a long-term (1-2 year) treatment program.

My heart goes out to all of you!

As a social worker, is there hope for my nephew? I know people always say adults who sexually assault children can't be rehabilitated. Is that true for teenagers? I know you know zero details, I'm just looking for a thread of hope

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:School counselor here again. The fact that it happened to a friend at a slumber party will make it much more difficult for your nieces. She will likely be ostracized socially for some time (could be more or less time depending on their ages). While a school counselor is never a replacement for a therapist, a good one will help your nieces navigate their changing social landscape.

The niece who's friend this was at the slumber party, is already fragile. God I hope this isn't pushed on her shoulders.
She was sound asleep when it happened.

But I'm guessing she now knows what happened? She may even feel guilty for being asleep.

Putting together the pieces here it sounds as if your sister discovered them? Or the little girl came to her for help after the incident? This is so so awful. I can't imagine much worse. They ALL need therapy, individually and as a family (minus brother for a while.)

Whatever else is wrong there thank god your sister stood up and did the right thing when she discovered the problem. Too many people would have buried it or tried to handle it privately. I hope that little girl gets help but your nieces and sister need help too and that's all you're in the position to influence.

The victim's mother's statement is what led me to recommend a lawyer. I could see myself getting so worried about the victim that I'd reach out and try to help her, perhaps inadvertently making the situation even worse if the victim's parents don't want to press charges or want to sweep it under the rug. Or they could misunderstand your sister's intentions and characterize her communications as trying to keep their daughter quiet. A crime has been committed here and all further communication with the victim's family however well-intended should have a lawyer's review.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if the victim's guardians have reported this to the police (which they should!) your sister can expect to have child protective services involved with her family. Social workers and the police will likely want to interview her younger children, and what they find out may be devastating. In DC, we have Safe Shores, which is an organization that assists in interviewing possible child sexual abuse victims where the police and child services collaborate to have the child interviewed by a skilled clinician in a safe setting, and it is video recorded. This assists in keeping kids from being re-traumatized by having to tell their stories over and over again, sometimes to less-than-skilled professionals. I would assist your sister my seeing if there is anything like this available in her area for her younger children.

Assuming your nephew is detained by the police, when/if he is released (pretrial), child protective services will make a detailed safety plan to ensure that his siblings will be safe. This may mean that he can't be released to her custody. If no other relatives are available, this may mean he would go to a group home or treatment facility. In my experience with these type of cases (forgot to mention I"m a social worker!), after trial or as part of a plea deal, the offenders are usually sentenced to a long-term (1-2 year) treatment program.

My heart goes out to all of you!

As a social worker, is there hope for my nephew? I know people always say adults who sexually assault children can't be rehabilitated. Is that true for teenagers? I know you know zero details, I'm just looking for a thread of hope

You're right, I can't comment on his case specifically, bcs I don't know him. But research shows that when given intensive, evidenced based treatment, the recidivism rate for juvenile sexual offenders is fairly low compared to other types of aggressive behavior. I'm posting some links to some data on the topic (first one from 2003 is somewhat dated, but pretty comprehensive).

http://www.dshs.wa.gov/pdf/ca/NCSBYfactsheet.pdf

http://www.justicepolicy.org/images/upload/08-08_FAC_SORNAFactFiction_JJ.pdf

[Anonymous]

Yes, this is true. There was a mom on NPR (either the Dianne Rheam or Kojo show) who's teenaged babysitter had been sexually molesting her son. I can't remember her name, but I think her family ended up moving to Florida. But she was so courageous to go public with her story and try to get help for others.

I can't find the story in the archives, but it probably would be helpful OP if someone can find it.