How does a parent recover from this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP,
It may be for the best if the police let the parents handle it. I REALLY hate to say this, but I went through this as a child as well. I was abused from age 7-11ish and I finally spoke up and told a friend and my mom found out. She went to the police and I ended up having to go to court and face the person who did this to me and he denied it. It was humiliating and traumatic for me. I still believe it affects me today (many, many years later). I resent my mom for how this was handled. Nothing happened to the person who abused me. I think it's best to let the victims mother handle it. As far as your nephew, I don't know what to say. That's tough. What a horrible situation for everyone involved.

As a parent, your mom did the right thing. She should have reported it. She cannot change how the police decided to handle it but that is not fair to blame your mom who tried her best to support you. You are blaming the wrong person.

I don't want to make this about me, but I feel the need to respond and let you know that you do not have all the information. She reported it for the wrong reason and I know this for a fact. Trust me when I tell you that you have no idea the dysfunction of this situation. Trust me.

DP, and I do trust you on that. There is no doubt your mom should have reported it, but how it was done, why, and how she treated you and let the rest of the family treat you are also all part of the bigger equation of whether it was the "right" thing to do. I'm sorry you had this experience, it's unacceptable but way way too common.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Man this post is creepy and how many people saying they were abused following up on it.

He sounds despicable. I would want my own child in rehab/jail if they did this.

Really? I feel a lot of compassion for the boy who may either be being falsley accused, or a victim of prior abuse, or just a boy who did something incredibly impulsive and dumb. Per the description this does not sound like a life altering event for the girl.

You have no idea if it is going to be life-altering. I can't imagine how it could not be. She is so young now. I am sorry but I feel no compassion for men, teens, boys that abuse girls. Sorry none. If the rest of the world felt the same way maybe there wouldn't be so many around and getting slap on the wrists or nothing at all. Very sad.

You have no idea what actually happened. It could be a false accusation. It could be that the boy was abused himself (op said as much). 16 is still very young.

You are living in a bubble of bizarre denial and you probably have your reasons, but we DO know it actually happened because OP's sister discovered it herself!!! What part of "She reported it to police, not the other child's parent" don't you understand?

Questions about the overall validity of this thread aside (i.e. whether it's a real situation or not), the details within the situation are that it DID happen. So stop acting as if that's in question.

Beyond that, again, you may have your reasons for minimizing this but there are already numerous people in this thread testifying to the fact that incidents of sexual abuse DO have life-long effects. Sexual abuse needs to be taken incredibly seriously, as the stakes and effects are incredibly high for both victims and perpetrators. OPs sister is brave for reporting, but she must not fall into a place of minimizing what happened, especially if her own girls won't answer whether they've been inappropriately touched as well. Even if the boy was abused himself, his current and any future victims deserve protection, just like he should have been protected. He needs to be counseled and his behaviors addressed and monitored, not swept under the rug which basically guarantees he'll abuse again.

Same PP ^^, back to correct the bolded: the victim told OP's neice, who told her mom, who called the police. I got that wrong in my haste. Still stand by every single other thing I say in this post.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Another little girl on their street came forward. And now with the 9yo and this second little girl the police showed back up at my sisters house Friday. This time CPS actually showed up as well. My nieces were interviewed away from my sister (I was on the phone with her when the girls were taken into the other room) and all total there are 4 victims. My nephew was removed Friday and is going to be charged as an adult because of the number of victims. He is looking at 15 years and having to register as a sex offender.
The girls -at least my nieces - are going to therapy mandated by CPS for what has been done to them. I don't know why they never told, none of us will probably ever know why. I don't know what's going to happen with the other 2 little girls.

[Anonymous]

OP, speaking from experience, this non-action by CPS and cops is not uncommon. If they had taken action, nephew would receive help and nieces would be safe. This is a worst of all worlds for safety, but not uncommon, outcome. Sadly, if nieces are molested in the future, could lose all kids, although system is making that outcome more likely. In reality, rarely is csa effectively addresses. The best practices would be for him to leave the home and get inpatient treatment. So sorry, I discovered no good answers, nor did others who were in your sisters position that I met. There are not many who will provide treatment outside it being court ordered for him. There is a doctor at CNMC in the child abuse unit who works only with juvenile male offenders, you might try to reach out to him tomorrow.

[Anonymous]

Just read your update after the post, am so sorry for all concerned but it is for the best that he get help and be prevented from re-offending. He was likely once a victim himself. Hope that your nieces are given good help along with other little girls. Your sister may be able to access secondary survivor counseling at her local Rape Crisis Center.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry OP.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry, OP. Please come here and unload on us anytime. We are here for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Another little girl on their street came forward. And now with the 9yo and this second little girl the police showed back up at my sisters house Friday. This time CPS actually showed up as well. My nieces were interviewed away from my sister (I was on the phone with her when the girls were taken into the other room) and all total there are 4 victims. My nephew was removed Friday and is going to be charged as an adult because of the number of victims. He is looking at 15 years and having to register as a sex offender.
The girls -at least my nieces - are going to therapy mandated by CPS for what has been done to them. I don't know why they never told, none of us will probably ever know why. I don't know what's going to happen with the other 2 little girls.

I'm sorry OP. I'm the one who was asking over and over yesterday if anyone has interviewed your nieces yet. I'm so sad, but not at all surprised, that they have been victims too.

I also want to say to you, because it's possible that it will turn out to be true and you'll find out, that you ask why your nieces never told. That's the thing... you don't know that they never told. It's VERY unusual for kids, unless abuse has happened since they were toddlers, it's highly unusual for them not to tell their mom or dad or someone. They may very well have told your sister, and she didn't want to believe it. Or the way they told, she didn't believe it or didn't "hear" it.

It is also possible they didn't tell, but especially because there are two of them, it would be hard to imagine them not telling anyone. The more likely scenario is that possibly your nephew was abused, he is not abusing multiple kids, and your sister was in denial. Because the signs may well have been there. But at least she acted this time, and now everyone is FINALLY acting.

To the PP who said CPS rarely gets ir right, I don't know where you're from, but for ever awful story you hear in real life or in thenews, there are hundreds or thousands of stories of kids who really did get interventions they needed, therapy they needed, and sometimes even a safe stable new home. A lot of times it doesn't turn out that well, which is just heartbreaking on top of abuse they've already suffered. But there are more times when it turns out better than it was (even from the child's perspective) than it turning out worse or nothing happening.

So sorry that there are so many victims, but so hopeful everyone involved (including your nephew) will get some overdue counseling and help.

OP please remember to check in with your sister. You may find out things that really upset you about all of this, but if your sister is to continue to reaise her kids as well as she can, she'll need someone who can listen to her and support her in continuing to do the right things for all involved. And whether you ever take your nieces in for a vacation or not, please be sure to tell them when you get a chance that you're proud of them for telling the truth and for being brave and thatyou love them. So many victims are made to feel like THEY caused the horrible disruptions to everyone's life that the discovery of abuse usually brings. They need a family member to reinforce for them that they did the right thing, they are not to blame in any way, and that you love them and always will love them. Trust me, they need to hear that. Please tell them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Another little girl on their street came forward. And now with the 9yo and this second little girl the police showed back up at my sisters house Friday. This time CPS actually showed up as well. My nieces were interviewed away from my sister (I was on the phone with her when the girls were taken into the other room) and all total there are 4 victims. My nephew was removed Friday and is going to be charged as an adult because of the number of victims. He is looking at 15 years and having to register as a sex offender.
The girls -at least my nieces - are going to therapy mandated by CPS for what has been done to them. I don't know why they never told, none of us will probably ever know why. I don't know what's going to happen with the other 2 little girls.

REPOSTED AND IMPORTANT WORD CORRECTED:

I'm sorry OP. I'm the one who was asking over and over yesterday if anyone has interviewed your nieces yet. I'm so sad, but not at all surprised, that they have been victims too.

I also want to say to you, because it's possible that it will turn out to be true and you'll find out, that you ask why your nieces never told. That's the thing... you don't know that they never told. It's VERY unusual for kids, unless abuse has happened since they were toddlers, it's highly unusual for them not to tell their mom or dad or someone. They may very well have told your sister, and she didn't want to believe it. Or the way they told, she didn't believe it or didn't "hear" it.

It is also possible they didn't tell, but especially because there are two of them, it would be hard to imagine them not telling anyone. The more likely scenario is that possibly your nephew was abused, he is NOW abusing multiple kids, and your sister was in denial. Because the signs may well have been there. But at least she acted this time, and now everyone is FINALLY acting.

To the PP who said CPS rarely gets it right, I don't know where you're from, but for ever awful story you hear in real life or in the news, there are hundreds or thousands of stories of kids who really did get interventions they needed, therapy they needed, and sometimes even a safe stable new home. A lot of times it doesn't turn out that well, which is just heartbreaking on top of abuse they've already suffered. But there are more times when it turns out better than it was (even from the child's perspective) than it turning out worse or nothing happening.

So sorry that there are so many victims, but so hopeful everyone involved (including your nephew) will get some overdue counseling and help.

OP please remember to check in with your sister. You may find out things that really upset you about all of this, but if your sister is to continue to reaise her kids as well as she can, she'll need someone who can listen to her and support her in continuing to do the right things for all involved. And whether you ever take your nieces in for a vacation or not, please be sure to tell them when you get a chance that you're proud of them for telling the truth and for being brave and that you love them. So many victims are made to feel like THEY caused the horrible disruptions to everyone's life that the discovery of abuse usually brings. They need a family member to reinforce for them that they did the right thing, they are not to blame in any way, and that you love them and always will love them.

Trust me, they need to hear that. Please tell them.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry to read your update, OP. I hope everyone gets the help and support they need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP,
It may be for the best if the police let the parents handle it. I REALLY hate to say this, but I went through this as a child as well. I was abused from age 7-11ish and I finally spoke up and told a friend and my mom found out. She went to the police and I ended up having to go to court and face the person who did this to me and he denied it. It was humiliating and traumatic for me. I still believe it affects me today (many, many years later). I resent my mom for how this was handled. Nothing happened to the person who abused me. I think it's best to let the victims mother handle it. As far as your nephew, I don't know what to say. That's tough. What a horrible situation for everyone involved.

This is called "disclosure trauma." It is common in child victims of sexual assault. The kids often say that the freak-out and reaction among adults is more traumatic than the actual abuse itself. Going to court, talking to CPS, seeing therapists, your mother telling you that you have been damaged for life, having a family member go to prison, family members fighting over what happened -- all of those things can be more traumatic for a kid than the sexual abuse itself. It's important to tread carefully and calmly when handling a child's disclosure.

Yep. This is exactly why I never reported my older brother for molesting me. It would have destroyed my family and any shred of a chance I would have had of having a halfway tolerable childhood. I knew this even at age 12. My family was very dysfunctional - alcoholic parents, no money, lots of chaos - and I clung to the only vestiges of safety and peace I had. I ate comfort food to cope and pretended nothing was wrong. And I am still fat now, but I think I did the best I could to protect myself and protect what little safety and security I had in life, even though I was unsafe in many ways.

That truth may bother some people, but even at 43 I look back now and know I did the right thing for myself. Disclosure would have been far, far worse for me than silence.

Actually every time someone doesn't report is another reason men keep doing it. I would feel obligated for other kids who are getting abused to stand up for myself. Sounds like you lived a whole life in depression while your brother has no idea what he did was truly wrong and will probably molest little kids. I understand why you did it but it benefits everyone but you, including the abuser

NO, you will not successfully blame me or hold me responsible if my abuser perpetrated any abuses in the future. You will not. No victim is responsible for the actions of his or her abuser, past or future. None. I was a child, and my only obligation was to protect myself from further harm. I achieved that. Believe me, I have worked this out with the help of many qualified counselors, and I have no regrets whatsoever.

For what it's worth, there is a lot of literature out there about the phenomenon of sibling sexual abuse, particularly in households with trauma and chaos. And an incidence of sibling sexual abuse, particularly among adolescents or with an adolescent and a pre-adolescent, does not actually mean that an abuser is likely to be or to become a pedophile. That doesn't apply to OP's case, but I'm simply saying that your prediction that my abuser will "probably molest little kids" is actually quite inaccurate given statistics.

Aside from this derail, I just want to again reach out to OP with support and say thanks to him/her for caring and with hope that there is a positive update.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Another little girl on their street came forward. And now with the 9yo and this second little girl the police showed back up at my sisters house Friday. This time CPS actually showed up as well. My nieces were interviewed away from my sister (I was on the phone with her when the girls were taken into the other room) and all total there are 4 victims. My nephew was removed Friday and is going to be charged as an adult because of the number of victims. He is looking at 15 years and having to register as a sex offender.
The girls -at least my nieces - are going to therapy mandated by CPS for what has been done to them. I don't know why they never told, none of us will probably ever know why. I don't know what's going to happen with the other 2 little girls.

OP, PP above here, I'm sorry I missed this update, and I'm sorry to hear that the news has gotten worse. In a way, though, there is at least some good news for your nieces, as this has been their reality for way, way too long. They are safe now. They are finally safe.

I am the PP who never told about what my brother did to me. You can do a lot of reading about child sexual abuse, but truly, it's not a great mystery, is it? They probably love their brother, despite the abuse, so that is incredibly complicated and difficult for a child to process. Your sister's life sounds pretty crazy, and they likely felt alone and were scared to make things worse for others. Please, please, please do not in any way hold them responsible or act disappointed in them for not telling anyone sooner. Please let them know that you think they are good and brave and that you always want them to feel safe to tell you if they ever need help in the future.

Therapy can only go so far. They need major healing of attachment wounds, and true attachment can only happen with loved ones. They may never heal the attachment wound with their mother, but you as an aunt can be a safe attachment figure. Please, please reach out to them. Invite them to vacation with you. Let them be safe in your home. It's their best hope.

[Anonymous]

OP - Just how well do you know your sister? Are you sure she did not know of the abuse of her oldest son by his now dead Dad/her husband? Do you know for sure that your sister has told the authorities about the abuse of her teenage son? Do you know if the other siblings have been questioned in a safe place about any possible abuse at the hands of their deceased father?

Depending on the length of the abuse and the nature, it certainly would be a strong contributing factor to be taken into account of her son's actions. Your sister still has a responsibility towards her oldest son and needs to be sure that he at least gets a lawyer and a full evaluation to decide whether his being charged as an adult should stand or not. His life as it may have evolved is over no matter what happens. Just some basic facts demonstrate that if the abuser has been abused himself as a child/adolescent, it could be a strong contributing factor for consideration.

- Basic data about child-on-child sex abuse is detailed in an authoritative, Justice Department-sponsored analysis of crime data from 29 states. Conducted by three prominent researchers, the 2009 analysis found that juveniles accounted for 35.6% of the people identified by police as having committed sex offenses against minors.

- Of these young offenders, 93% were male, and the peak ages for offending were 12 through 14, the researchers found. Of the victims, 59% were younger than 12 and 75% were female.

- The report referred to a popular misconception that juvenile sex offenders are likely to reoffend, and said numerous studies over the years have shown the opposite — that 85 to 95% of offending youth are never again arrested for sex crimes.

It is a horrific and sad tale all around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP - Just how well do you know your sister? Are you sure she did not know of the abuse of her oldest son by his now dead Dad/her husband? Do you know for sure that your sister has told the authorities about the abuse of her teenage son? Do you know if the other siblings have been questioned in a safe place about any possible abuse at the hands of their deceased father?

Depending on the length of the abuse and the nature, it certainly would be a strong contributing factor to be taken into account of her son's actions. Your sister still has a responsibility towards her oldest son and needs to be sure that he at least gets a lawyer and a full evaluation to decide whether his being charged as an adult should stand or not. His life as it may have evolved is over no matter what happens. Just some basic facts demonstrate that if the abuser has been abused himself as a child/adolescent, it could be a strong contributing factor for consideration.

- Basic data about child-on-child sex abuse is detailed in an authoritative, Justice Department-sponsored analysis of crime data from 29 states. Conducted by three prominent researchers, the 2009 analysis found that juveniles accounted for 35.6% of the people identified by police as having committed sex offenses against minors.

- Of these young offenders, 93% were male, and the peak ages for offending were 12 through 14, the researchers found. Of the victims, 59% were younger than 12 and 75% were female.

- The report referred to a popular misconception that juvenile sex offenders are likely to reoffend, and said numerous studies over the years have shown the opposite — that 85 to 95% of offending youth are never again arrested for sex crimes.

It is a horrific and sad tale all around.

I'm sorry, did the OP say that her nephew had been molested by his father? I missed that, and don't see it scanning back.

I have to say, I'm strongly opposed to the whole business of charging minors as adults in any situation. There's a reason that we have a juvenile justice system. Charging them as adults makes no sense when they are NOT adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, consider he has some unrecognized (or recognized) mental health issues or was abused himself (and your sister did not know).

OP here, I do wonder if he's been physically abused as well. I know mentally, yes, he was by his father before he died. The anniversary of his death is this week.
I am so scared for my nephew. My sister is begging for answers if he needs jail or therapy and I just don't know. It's been 12 hours since I first learned of this, and only 14 since it happened. It's not about me, I know, please don't think I'm trying to make this about my disgust and horror, I am just sitting here at work in a fog.

To the PP, here's where the OP mentions that her nephew was also abused. It's on the first page.