Parents who refuse to participate

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. The issue lies with one or two parents, that everyone complains about. I saw my post as seeking a solution, instead of complaining, so I have no apology for you.

Actually, the same parents wanted their children to only be in class with children of their same (not similar, identical only) culture. But I suppose that is a whole 'nother post!

I am quite simply looking for solutions for racist parents, I suppose. I mean, if you want to make it complicated, we certainly can......

Oh gimme a break, OP. Now you're throwing race into the mix? You're jumping from the frying pan into the fire and you're trying to say OTHERS are making it complicated?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, the other parents do NOT want to drive. Period. They want to outsource everything because the DW is mad at the DH. Reread.

OP's exact words:

"If one of the two participating parents drop out (they might, they are tired and [b]just prefer to drive themselves), it would be all on the one parent."

The other (1) set of parents do not want to drive. They are home, with functioning vehicles; their relatives are home, with functioning vehicles; the nanny is home, with a functioning vehicle. All of the aforementioned (one household) choose not to drive. Ever. The complaint is about a particular household, specifically.

Let me guess: you have no friends, so it is a non-issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Politely but firmly say, "Larla's and Albert's mothers drove the carpool last season. It's time for you and Bartleby's parents to do your share this go round. Why don't you do drop offs and Bartleby's parent will do pick ups."

Don't do this OP.

I am one of those parents who always volunteers to carpool and frankly, if I am going any way, and even if I'm not, I don't mind at all. It simply does not bother me. It never occurs to me to question why parent B is not volunteering. In fact I like to help. There are things I do not like to do and I do not do them-mainly I avoid anything that will put me center stage. I am a behind the scenes person. The other parents may be shy, suffer from extreme anxiety, agoraphobia etc. don't over think anything and assume that they would if they could.

My advice would be to not offer at all if you are offering grudgingly or expecting reciprocity. Do it if it gives you pleasure to help without counting the cost.
Most parents contribute in some way (at least in the private schools my kids attend) and not all the ways are necessarily visible.

+ 1. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

18:03 - nice try. you are really grasping for straws now. i would say that if a family says "you can only be with my kind" in school; they don't change their stripes outside of school. thanks for playing, though.

[Anonymous]

Is reciprocity limited to only certain cultures???

I learn something new every day!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do they have a large enough car/ extra boosters to be able to carpool?

OP has already said clearly that the two parents prefer NOT to carpool and would rather drive by themselves.

OP is the only one that actually wants to carpool.

Oh my! They would rather drive their kids themselves rather than carpool with the OP? These parents are wise!

[Anonymous]

wtf are you talking about, OP? I honestly have no idea. Can you give a specific example?

[Anonymous]

OP here. The other family refuses to drive. It is not a space issue, they have several large vehicles and several capable, available, able bodied, and able minded drivers.

Thank you for allowing me to sum it up succinctly

[Anonymous]

If I am arranging playdates for my own convenience (ie, hoping someone will watch my child one afternoon and in return I'll watch theirs) it is usually clear enough that it's reciprocal. It's pretty much stated. And if the person won't help me out after I've helped them out, then I don't do it anymore with that person.

However, if the playdate is because my child really loves a particular friend and wants to keep seeing him or her, I will keep inviting the child even if the other parent does not reciprocate. I'm doing it for my own child and her friend, not the parents. I won't feel grumpy about it either, because I will only do it if I want to.

[Anonymous]

OP indicated that the parents do not want to carpool with her.

She also indicated that the other parents only want their kids to be in a classroom that has people from their culture (That is simply not happening in the US - so I think that is a big fake complaint)

Could it be that they do not want their kid to associate with OP and her kid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:18:03 - nice try. you are really grasping for straws now. i would say that if a family says "you can only be with my kind" in school; they don't change their stripes outside of school. thanks for playing, though.

Quote please. Nobody cares to flip pages.

[Anonymous]

I get it OP. I was, like a few pps, one of those kids with parents who rarely participated in driving, at least in elementary and junior high. My mom never learned how to drive and dad worked long hours so when he came home, wouldn't be in the mood to play chauffeur. I really appreciated other parents dropping and picking me off. I definitely step up as an adult cause I know it can be annoying to other parents when everyone doesn't pull their fair share.

[Anonymous]

After OP's last post, I'm even more confused what OP's issue is other than some parents aren't behaving in a way she wants and she feels resentful. The solution to that is not do things with any expectation of others. That way you'll never be disappointed.

I'm another person whose parents refused to take me and my siblings anywhere. I was only rarely allowed to have friends over. My homelife was very dysfunctional and I spent as much time as I could away from it. Lots of mental illness there but I don't think many in the community knew how bad it was. My siblings and I were so very self conscious about it. From about age 8, I rode my bike everywhere or arranged my own rides. My brothers usually walked or hitchhiked. I always appreciated the kindness shown to me by other parents, teachers and coaches. They never made me feel uncomfortable. They probably never knew what a huge difference they made in my life. After I had kids of my own, I feel their kindness is even more poignant for me.

Now that I have means of my own, I drive kids and have them over with no expectation of reciprocity. I'm sensitive to the fact that some of those kids might have situations like I had. People may 'think' they know what's going on in someone's house but they don't. I'm also not afraid of my kid being friends with someone whose family has mental health problems. I've seen that up close and know it's not contagious. I want to do for other kids what was done for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP indicated that the parents do not want to carpool with her.

She also indicated that the other parents only want their kids to be in a classroom that has people from their culture (That is simply not happening in the US - so I think that is a big fake complaint)

Could it be that they do not want their kid to associate with OP and her kid?

This is fun - you guys are hilarious! OP here. On my way out for a date soon Might I suggest the same for a particular PP?

The "non participant family" is not well liked, I believe this is why. They do tend to hang out with their own, for better or worse. Maybe misery loves company? One can only imagine. I tend to gravitate toward more social people, given my background (nope, won't divulge that here, but you would be shocked, given your PPs, undoubtedly) - all of my DC are social, and usually hang out with more social friends. Except this one.

Peculiar that you keep pretending not to understand, yet do not have specific questions, and fail to ask for clarification in a civil manner; and you seem to be taking offense to my situation, instead of offering anything helpful; and you find this some sort of a game, as if you take delight in others asking a question. Gosh, I hope you don't work for me! Not for long, anyway.

But by all means, pretend to know me. And keep twisting my words - you are a hoot! This is getting better and better!

Good luck, PP. You will need it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get it OP. I was, like a few pps, one of those kids with parents who rarely participated in driving, at least in elementary and junior high. My mom never learned how to drive and dad worked long hours so when he came home, wouldn't be in the mood to play chauffeur. I really appreciated other parents dropping and picking me off. I definitely step up as an adult cause I know it can be annoying to other parents when everyone doesn't pull their fair share.

Me, too. At least your parents had a proper reason (not an excuse).