Parents who refuse to participate

[Anonymous]

OP, you are assuming an awful lot when you say there are no "exigent" (meaning extenuating, I guess?) circumstances. Unless you ARE them, you don't actually know that they don't have mental or physical illness, substance abuse, work conflicts, family conflicts, car problems, etc, etc, etc which would in fact excuse them in a heartbeat from driving their own or another person's child around.

You have already received what I think is the best advice: don't do what you don't want to do. If you want to have your DC continue a relationship with these kids, then continue to do what you're doing, but perhaps without the resentment and complaining. If you want your DC to stop hanging out with these kids, then say, "sorry, but we can't have Timmy over for playdates anymore" and/or "Sorry, Timmy, but we won't be able to drive you to fencing class anymore."

If you want constructive advice on how to MAKE other people change their behavior, I do not think it is possible to do that. Of course, it rarely hurts to ask, but the answer sounds likely to be no.

[Anonymous]

OP, first of all, unless you know every last detail of the families you are talking about, you do NOT know if there are "exigent circumstances." You don't know what their internal family dynamics are or what issues might lie beneath the surface. So don't make assumptions that it is out of laziness.

But here's the thing: If you don't want to drive other kids to events, then don't offer to do it. Don't "step forward." Just take your kid and leave it at that.

And your kids aren't in control. You are. Your kids don't need a steady stream of playdates and activities. So set some parameters so that you don't grow resentful for things you are OFFERING to do.

Personally, I hate when people volunteer to do stuff or offer to do stuff and then secretly resent it when people take them up on their offer. It's WORSE than the people who never offer at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, when I was growing up, my parents never wanted to drive me anywhere. I was conscious from a pretty early age of that kind of "mooch" feeling when other people's families do things that yours don't, like give rides or have friends over for dinner. On behalf of the kids for whom you are doing extra, I say thank you so much. You are making their childhood better. You are also helping your own child out by facilitating his friendships. When he is older, and possibly have kids of his own, he will appreciate even more that you did that for him.

Exactly! My parents NEVER drive and I heard snide remarks constantly. It's really hard on the kid. Thank you to you parents that step up for kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Flame away. I am wondering what parents who participate (willing to drive, host, etc.) do about parents not willing to participate. It is really obvious to a point of humor, at this point.

To elaborate, DC tends to want a playdate, or does activities with, certain children. Half of the parents are amazing, and are more than willing to do their share of driving, hosting, etc. The other half may as well be radio silence; letting anyone who is nice enough be the doormat. It gets old, quick.

I am well aware you teach people how to treat you, blah, blah, blah......If anyone has any *constructive plans* to put into action, I would appreciate it. Before anyone assumes so, there are no exigent circumstances, excuses or reasons other than sheer laziness, unfortunately. The problem is, my child asks for their child, and the other parents know this and take full advantage. Let's just say, I would choose other friends, if it were me.

As an example, four DC, including mine, signed up for an activity. I won't say which one, because it is not relevant. The issue at hand is that two of the same parents step forward each time, and two refuse. If one of the two participating parents drop out (they might, they are tired and just prefer to drive themselves), it would be all on the one parent. Who BTW, would be more than willing, given their nature. But the fact that the parents that participate are willing to, should not excuse the two parents that are not willing to participate. Make sense?

I am tempted to also just drive ourselves. The parents who refuse to participate, again, know that DC wants to see their friends, however. Do I have to play hard ball? WWYD?

Why on earth should they be forced to carpool with you if they prefer to drive themselves? Why are you mad at them for that?

It is a royal PITA to carpool with kids who are in the age of car seats. Until they are self sufficient with removable boosters and able to buckle themselves, we avoid carpools at all costs.

OP, by chance is this for your firstborn/only and are the others parents with more than one kid or older kids?

What? Who said anything about car seats? OP here. You have it backward. Actually, the parents driving have several children and no family nearby. The parents refusing to participate have many adult relatives at home. Thank you for asking!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for your question. Carpool, playdate, activity, everything the other child is involved in! UGH.

My son has a friend like that. Thd WORKING moms do all the heavy lifting and this one SAHM sits on her ass and never offers to help. A few things:

-she has been ditched from the carpool group because she's useless. Now her working DH is the sole taxi for her child.
-honestly, she's batshit crazy. Having a crazy mom her kidss are probably going to be a mess so I try to redirect my son to hang out with other people. I'm sure she's just mentally ill.

God, you're a bitch. Those poor kids have a crazy mom and you're trying to make sure they don't have friends, either.

Healthy parents raise healthy kids, but by all means, go out of your way and have your kids hang around a bunch of fucked up families. Let me know how your little progressive social experiment turns out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for your question. Carpool, playdate, activity, everything the other child is involved in! UGH.

My son has a friend like that. Thd WORKING moms do all the heavy lifting and this one SAHM sits on her ass and never offers to help. A few things:

-she has been ditched from the carpool group because she's useless. Now her working DH is the sole taxi for her child.
-honestly, she's batshit crazy. Having a crazy mom her kidss are probably going to be a mess so I try to redirect my son to hang out with other people. I'm sure she's just mentally ill.

God, you're a bitch. Those poor kids have a crazy mom and you're trying to make sure they don't have friends, either.

Healthy parents raise healthy kids, but by all means, go out of your way and have your kids hang around a bunch of fucked up families. Let me know how your little progressive social experiment turns out.

What a nice person you are. You sound fucked up and hateful yourself. Good luck to you and yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Politely but firmly say, "Larla's and Albert's mothers drove the carpool last season. It's time for you and Bartleby's parents to do your share this go round. Why don't you do drop offs and Bartleby's parent will do pick ups."

Don't do this OP.

I am one of those parents who always volunteers to carpool and frankly, if I am going any way, and even if I'm not, I don't mind at all. It simply does not bother me. It never occurs to me to question why parent B is not volunteering. In fact I like to help. There are things I do not like to do and I do not do them-mainly I avoid anything that will put me center stage. I am a behind the scenes person. The other parents may be shy, suffer from extreme anxiety, agoraphobia etc. don't over think anything and assume that they would if they could.

My advice would be to not offer at all if you are offering grudgingly or expecting reciprocity. Do it if it gives you pleasure to help without counting the cost.
Most parents contribute in some way (at least in the private schools my kids attend) and not all the ways are necessarily visible.

+1 Well said, especially the part about not knowing what's going on behind closed doors with the parents. OP says it's "laziness." But you just never know what goes on with anyone.

Who is to say that there are not driver complaints due to genuinely extenuating circumstances that the driver dos not care to publicize? Isn't the 'taker" parent then the presumptuous one? Especially if they have help at home? Even if it is as small as a family member providing fresh meals every night? Must be nice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for your question. Carpool, playdate, activity, everything the other child is involved in! UGH.

My son has a friend like that. Thd WORKING moms do all the heavy lifting and this one SAHM sits on her ass and never offers to help. A few things:

-she has been ditched from the carpool group because she's useless. Now her working DH is the sole taxi for her child.
-honestly, she's batshit crazy. Having a crazy mom her kidss are probably going to be a mess so I try to redirect my son to hang out with other people. I'm sure she's just mentally ill.

God, you're a bitch. Those poor kids have a crazy mom and you're trying to make sure they don't have friends, either.

Healthy parents raise healthy kids, but by all means, go out of your way and have your kids hang around a bunch of fucked up families. Let me know how your little progressive social experiment turns out.

What a nice person you are. You sound fucked up and hateful yourself. Good luck to you and yours.

Are you saying that resentment about SAHM vs. not is what is fueling this? Are you saying moms that work from home should not be taking 1/2 hour to drive, even if they have no commute (and would otherwise be commuting further than carpool time)? What if both parents of the family that refuses to drive works from home, yet still refuses? Is that considered reasonable?

What if you drive up to the house, and there are four cars in the driveway, four adults at home, plus a nanny who drives and has her own additional van, yet not one of them steps up to drive? Is that somehow acceptable? Five cars in the driveway, and no one will drive? Really?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your post is totally confusing. If you can't even ask the question clearly to state what you want, no wonder people are walking all over you.

Short answer -- if there is an activity and my kid is going, I may offer to carpool with someone I don't offer to take their kid. If someone asks, I ask which part of the carpool they would like.

I know the kids lose, but the parents need to learn to do their share. I odn't have time to be a doormat.

Please clarify. This is not clear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do they have a large enough car/ extra boosters to be able to carpool?

OP has already said clearly that the two parents prefer NOT to carpool and would rather drive by themselves.

OP is the only one that actually wants to carpool.

She's trying to force other parents to do it her way. She should find someone else to carpool with or give up.

What if your child insists on hanging out with the same children whose parents never step up? Do you choose your child's friends? Or tell your child they have to go without friends? "You can't see Larla anymore because Larla's parents would rather take a nap (true story) than drive"? For real?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for your question. Carpool, playdate, activity, everything the other child is involved in! UGH.

My son has a friend like that. Thd WORKING moms do all the heavy lifting and this one SAHM sits on her ass and never offers to help. A few things:

-she has been ditched from the carpool group because she's useless. Now her working DH is the sole taxi for her child.
-honestly, she's batshit crazy. Having a crazy mom her kidss are probably going to be a mess so I try to redirect my son to hang out with other people. I'm sure she's just mentally ill.

God, you're a bitch. Those poor kids have a crazy mom and you're trying to make sure they don't have friends, either.

Healthy parents raise healthy kids, but by all means, go out of your way and have your kids hang around a bunch of fucked up families. Let me know how your little progressive social experiment turns out.

What a nice person you are. You sound fucked up and hateful yourself. Good luck to you and yours.

Just make sure to Save for rehab, yours will be snorting bumps of meth in no time under the supervision of crazy eyes.

[Anonymous]

Why do they have to carpool with you if they'd rather drive themselves? I don't even understand what you're asking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do they have a large enough car/ extra boosters to be able to carpool?

OP has already said clearly that the two parents prefer NOT to carpool and would rather drive by themselves.

OP is the only one that actually wants to carpool.

She's trying to force other parents to do it her way. She should find someone else to carpool with or give up.

What if your child insists on hanging out with the same children whose parents never step up? Do you choose your child's friends? Or tell your child they have to go without friends? "You can't see Larla anymore because Larla's parents would rather take a nap (true story) than drive"? For real?

If larlas.mom is napping all the time that's a sure sign that larlas mom has some mental health problems. You only have a very small window to try to direct your children to hang out with healthy families. Until your influence is gone, your child is best off being directed away from such families.

What do you think is going on in a home where mom lays in bed all the time? No supervision , that's what.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you for your question. Carpool, playdate, activity, everything the other child is involved in! UGH.

My son has a friend like that. Thd WORKING moms do all the heavy lifting and this one SAHM sits on her ass and never offers to help. A few things:

-she has been ditched from the carpool group because she's useless. Now her working DH is the sole taxi for her child.
-honestly, she's batshit crazy. Having a crazy mom her kidss are probably going to be a mess so I try to redirect my son to hang out with other people. I'm sure she's just mentally ill.

God, you're a bitch. Those poor kids have a crazy mom and you're trying to make sure they don't have friends, either.

Healthy parents raise healthy kids, but by all means, go out of your way and have your kids hang around a bunch of fucked up families. Let me know how your little progressive social experiment turns out.

What a nice person you are. You sound fucked up and hateful yourself. Good luck to you and yours.

Are you saying that resentment about SAHM vs. not is what is fueling this? Are you saying moms that work from home should not be taking 1/2 hour to drive, even if they have no commute (and would otherwise be commuting further than carpool time)? What if both parents of the family that refuses to drive works from home, yet still refuses? Is that considered reasonable?

What if you drive up to the house, and there are four cars in the driveway, four adults at home, plus a nanny who drives and has her own additional van, yet not one of them steps up to drive? Is that somehow acceptable? Five cars in the driveway, and no one will drive? Really?

No, I'm not saying any of that. I'm saying that PP sounds fucked up and hateful herself. That's all. You know, when I was in college, my parents took in a friend of my brother's... a "fucked up" kid. His dad had split, his mom was an alcoholic and didn't care where he was or what he did. He essentially crashed in our basement den all of his senior year. My mom fed him and allowed him to use our laundry room. My parents cared about him and his welfare. He came out that year. He graduated with a B average. He's now a successful actor on Broadway and has always been grateful to our family, freely stating that he loves my parents and that they "saved him." We are still close with him. So yes, their "little progressive social experiment" worked out well. For all of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Are you saying that resentment about SAHM vs. not is what is fueling this? Are you saying moms that work from home should not be taking 1/2 hour to drive, even if they have no commute (and would otherwise be commuting further than carpool time)? What if both parents of the family that refuses to drive works from home, yet still refuses? Is that considered reasonable?

What if you drive up to the house, and there are four cars in the driveway, four adults at home, plus a nanny who drives and has her own additional van, yet not one of them steps up to drive? Is that somehow acceptable? Five cars in the driveway, and no one will drive? Really?

What if they do? How does it change things? Drive the kid, or don't drive the kid. Those are your choices.

Also, if you choose to drive the kid, please keep your opinion of the kid's parents to yourself.