Parents who refuse to participate

[Anonymous]

Since when does a "house full of relatives" (sic) equate happiness? LOL!

It absolutely sound alike they are trying to take advantage. No question. One particular PP is extremely defensive about this. I wonder why? A rhetorical question, of course.

[Anonymous]

My mom had her highs and lows when it came to carpooling, sleepovers and PTA. As a school teacher in another town she was an active PTA mom and organized many activities for my schools. What she did not do was pick me up from Girl Scout events which lead to the troop leader making remarks about always being stuck with me. I had about 20 sleepovers with one friend and she was invited to our house one time. At some point it became awkward for me but her mom never made me feel uncomfortable.

Keep doing what you feel comfortable doing but know you are helping to enrich a young person's childhood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, when I was growing up, my parents never wanted to drive me anywhere. I was conscious from a pretty early age of that kind of "mooch" feeling when other people's families do things that yours don't, like give rides or have friends over for dinner. On behalf of the kids for whom you are doing extra, I say thank you so much. You are making their childhood better. You are also helping your own child out by facilitating his friendships. When he is older, and possibly have kids of his own, he will appreciate even more that you did that for him.

I was the same - from about age 10 on if I wanted to go somewhere I had to walk. My parents never wanted me to have friends over. It was totally embarrassing that I could never reciprocate. Not saying you'd do this OP, but I still remember the day one of my friend's mom drive me home and grilled me as to why I couldn't have friends over. It was mortifying. On the other hand, I also remember the friend's mom who picked me up and dropped me off places constantly without ever making it seem like a big deal. In fact, she would often offer as part of the invitation because she knew I wouldn't be able to go wherever unless I had a ride. I'm sure it was annoying as anything for her but she never showed it.

She sounds like she was a great mom who knew your homelife was harder than her own kids and was keeping that in mind that kids should suffer because of their parents' defaults.

I'm sure this mom would love to hear from you as an adult how much you appreciated her kindness.

[Anonymous]

How are parents supposed to know how others home lives are (or are not)? Or if the next guys' lives are truly any more difficult, or just perceived that way, or if you simply can't handle what life you chose for yourself? What if there are no exigent circumstances? Or if the lazy parent just walks around thinking the world somehow owes them? That is the impression I am given by some.

What if the more generous parents have truly exigent circumstances, and the other parent/s are really just users, who take advantage at every turn? Boy, that must get tiresome and alienate many, many people in a short time. People do get tired of things being one way. Does that not matter to the lazy parents?

Is there no sense of dignity and responsibility that says you should take care of your own child's needs? Socializing your child is not a basic part of parenting? The laziness is puzzling.

It is statistically impossible that more families have exigent circumstances than not, yet there are so many parents not willing to do their part, too often, it seems.

Tiresome! Your children really do miss out. How can you not realize this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
How are parents supposed to know how others home lives are (or are not)? Or if the next guys' lives are truly any more difficult, or just perceived that way, or if you simply can't handle what life you chose for yourself? What if there are no exigent circumstances? Or if the lazy parent just walks around thinking the world somehow owes them? That is the impression I am given by some.

What if the more generous parents have truly exigent circumstances, and the other parent/s are really just users, who take advantage at every turn? Boy, that must get tiresome and alienate many, many people in a short time. People do get tired of things being one way. Does that not matter to the lazy parents?

Is there no sense of dignity and responsibility that says you should take care of your own child's needs? Socializing your child is not a basic part of parenting? The laziness is puzzling.

It is statistically impossible that more families have exigent circumstances than not, yet there are so many parents not willing to do their part, too often, it seems.

Tiresome! Your children really do miss out. How can you not realize this?

I enjoy giving when I can. If there is no way to know if someone is truly in need or just lazy, I'd rather err on the side of assuming they are in need and give them a break. That's about me and how I choose to live my life more than it is about the other person. You think what you want, PP. If feeling like you are being taken advantage of is such a terrible thing then by all means avoid it, and keep seeing it wherever you look. I don't see it.

[Anonymous]

The first thing I'd like to say: OP, you have no idea what reasons might lay behind someone saying "Sorry, I can't host today." It's a sign of ignorance to claim to know the other parents are just lazy. You don't know if they have to work, have other appointments, are sick etc. Just because something is not visible on first glance or people don't lay their entire private life open to you does not at all mean that there is no valid reason for someone to not do something you'd like them to do.

Beyond that. If it bothers you so much you can ask "Could you host tonight?", "Could you pick the kids up this time?", "Would you be able to drop my child off at our place after the playdate?" Only when you voice your concerns, requests, wishes can one say "Yes." or "No." to them.
Then if you do ask and the other person always declines you are free to step away and say "Okay, well I can not drive my child today either so I guess we have to find another day instead." etc.

It is up to YOU to always be the doormat as you say or choose to stop. Don't blame other people.

[Anonymous]

Some people are just users, and keep taking until they are told no. To me, that is what children do. Grow up and do for yourself, or pitch in.

[Anonymous]

Good parents participate. This means doing things when you don't feel like it. You are a parent 100% of the time, always, until you die. Not just when the mood strikes you.

[Anonymous]

This thread makes me not want to have children.

Geesh, why don't you all just focus on parenting your children instead of determining what other parents should do for you?

What does "participate" even mean? Some parents don't want to carpool. No, they're not failing their children. They're just doing it differently. If you feel others don't reciprocate, then don't offer to carpool or volunteer to do a million different things.

Since when is "good parent" defined by what you do for other people's children?

Given the entitled and nasty attitude of many parents on this thread, I don't blame other parents for not wanting to "participate" in things with them.

Focus on your own kids and stop keeping score over what other parents or people are doing.

[Anonymous]

Good parents don't always place the same value on the same activities as other good parents.

Some parents say to their kid, "if you can get a ride" or "if you can find a way to get there" The parent isn't going to figure it out - probably don't care one way or another if their kid does the activity. I know parents who take this approach - for older kids especially - for building maturity. The kid will either find a way (bike, city bus, walk an hour - or course what they do is beg for a ride) or they won't. But it's off the parent's plate. The kid learns that parents are busy with their adult responsibilities and kid activities are not too important.

This isn't my approach but I know some families like this.
It helped when this came out in conversation. Some don't have the luxury of time to guide their children's extra-curriculars. For some it's a parenting philosophy.

[Anonymous]

I don't even understand this.

But I have a tiny car and two carseats in it so we never offer to drive others. Would OP be annoyed with this? Oh well, I guess?

[Anonymous]

Okay now I've read more and sorry I wasted my time. OP is an obvious troll. I never understand the point of these absurd threads, and I hope there aren't real people this bent out of shape about nothing.

[Anonymous]

I am sensitive to it, because my parents had the "find a ride" approach growing up. I narrowly avoided tragedy twice while walking in a small, quiet town. I know at least two other children (teens) who were raped and held against their will in this type of situation. This was a professional, educated, wealthy town - not flyover country, by any means.

In one situation (that I know of) - the assailant was known to the victim. I do not happen to know if the assailant was known to the family - but does it really matter????!! A rhetorical question, of course.

These were decent, respectable families who had their worlds torn apart. While lazy parents may wish this on involved parents, it will never make any valid concerns go away.

I would never do that to my kids, and find it completely irresponsible of any parent to tell their child to "wing it".

To call troll, because you are lazy, is equally irresponsible. Your shirking parental responsibilities does not make them go away. Do you wish your kids away, too? Be careful what you ask for.