Parents who refuse to participate

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, here is another way to look at it.

I am a mom who loves to do the carpooling, the hosting etc. Why? My son loves the company of other children, and many of the parents do not have the flexibility, energy, time that I do. I love having the kids and parents over when I host. And people always reciprocate in some form or the other. It may not be the exact same thing that I can do - but parents will help out or include my child in some way or the other. I have found that my kid loves when he has his other friends joining him for other activities. If I am already doing everything for my kid - it does not cost me anything at all to include other people's kids as well. And frankly, I really enjoy doing this for the kids.

People are not refusing to participate - they are just not participating the way you want them to.

This! I subscribe to this philosophy completely.

That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. Ever. I don't know *anyone* who *likes* to drive.

This is D.C. - the *worst place* to drive! No one likes to drive, but we do it, anyway. If someone's child is overbooked with academic activities, maybe its time to try to comprehend a basic fact of life - social skills and socializing are just as crucial as any life skill. Our job as parents is to make sure that our children have life skills, no? What kind of parent does not value playdates; or values unnecessary, extra, academic classes over basic life skills of knowing how to get along with others? It is this rather primitive idea of not valuing socialization that doe snot make sense, any way you look at it.

If all you care about is the almighty dollar, than let that be your incentive. No one I know from top schools (I work in HR at a top firm, I will not say which for obvious reasons) - succeeds without basic social skills. Period. I see *all* types of resumes.

You can play semantic games and add extra academic classes all you want, but in the end, not valuing social skills makes you lose. Some people seem to be taking offense to this; thinking their way is the only way, somehow. It is just not realistic go keep your children boxed up in your world.

For the families whose parents did not like to drive, what was their reasoning? Did they just think that they were too good for it?

I'm having a hard time making sense of this post. But -- I love to drive. FYI.

I love to drive my kids and their friends to activities etc., mainly because I get an opportunity to see how the kids are interacting with each other, I get to understand their concerns and thought processes, I get to teach them things, and I just plain love to spend time with my kids and their friends. I have been very fortunate that my children have made friends with really cool kids, belonging to different races and religions and nationalities, and who are being raised by really great parents. Besides, these children are very well mannered, high spirited, and super bright. I have a nice comfortable mini-van and driving the kids around does not vex me at all. I also love to drive and I am really mellow on the road because also get to tune in to some great music or NPR.

OP, when you have a family with several adult members (grandparents, parents, uncle, aunts) and several kids (siblings, cousins) etc, the need for finding company outside the family diminishes. Also, if the family has a social circle that is well established, sometimes there is no need to seek out new relationships.

Perhaps, what you are reacting to is that the car pooling, hosting etc., is more necessary for you, because you may have only one child and you are working etc, and it would lighten your load, but the other parents have no value for it because they have other venues for socialization and not having a carpool does not present them with any hardship.

Not everyone is you, thankfully.

Thankfully? Is that the best you can do, some generic insult that doesn't even fit? Thank goodness not everyone enjoys driving and carpooling other people's kids? Thankfully not everyone is mellow while driving?

What a dunce comment, PP. Not everyone is like you, thankfully.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Flame away. I am wondering what parents who participate (willing to drive, host, etc.) do about parents not willing to participate. It is really obvious to a point of humor, at this point.

To elaborate, DC tends to want a playdate, or does activities with, certain children. Half of the parents are amazing, and are more than willing to do their share of driving, hosting, etc. The other half may as well be radio silence; letting anyone who is nice enough be the doormat. It gets old, quick.

I am well aware you teach people how to treat you, blah, blah, blah......If anyone has any *constructive plans* to put into action, I would appreciate it. Before anyone assumes so, there are no exigent circumstances, excuses or reasons other than sheer laziness, unfortunately. The problem is, my child asks for their child, and the other parents know this and take full advantage. Let's just say, I would choose other friends, if it were me.

As an example, four DC, including mine, signed up for an activity. I won't say which one, because it is not relevant. The issue at hand is that two of the same parents step forward each time, and two refuse. If one of the two participating parents drop out (they might, they are tired and just prefer to drive themselves), it would be all on the one parent. Who BTW, would be more than willing, given their nature. But the fact that the parents that participate are willing to, should not excuse the two parents that are not willing to participate. Make sense?

I am tempted to also just drive ourselves. The parents who refuse to participate, again, know that DC wants to see their friends, however. Do I have to play hard ball? WWYD?

I didn't read all the responses. My bottom line is do what you are happy to do and assume the other parents will figure it out. I can't tell if from your post the parents signed up for an activity assuming you would be the carpool for their child or you offer to drive and they always take advantage of it without ever offering in return.

If they assume you will be their child's carpool all you need to do is have some errand either before or after and just bring your own child. That will force them to figure out what to do. If it is playdate hosting, simply pick neutral ground so no one has to host. Suggest meeting up at the park, or the movies, or meeting up for an event with the kids. If I've invited someone over for a drop off play date and my child never seems to get a similar invite then we meet out. For me, hosting a drop off play date takes a lot of time and effort, getting the kids to clean, making sure the house is clean, not getting to do my own errands, checking in to make sure the kids are okay and not overly reliant on electronics etc. If I found hosting effortless and felt like I was still getting weekend downtime while hosting a 2-3 hour play date, then I probably wouldn't mind if the person didn't reciprocate. Since it is such an effort, I know I would only be happy to do so one or two times before picking an option that requires less work on me.

Forgot to mention if you are trying to get the person to join a carpool so you all take turns driving there could be lots of reasons why they don't join. They may not be joiners by nature, they may be nervous about liability (my mom has always warned me about driving other kids in my car), they may not feel like they can fit many kids in the car ..who knows.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP,
I am going to assume that not only are you having a bad day, but that everyday is pretty stressful for you and these kind of minor issues are big stressors for you as a result.

But you're upset because you hold assumptions that may or may not be true. These assumptions are:

1) Everyone needs to pull their own weight.

No they don't. It would be nice but they don't need to. Stop believing that everyone needs to contribute equally and you will stop being upset.

2) If someone isn't pulling their weight, then they must be lazy.

No, there are a million different reasons besides being lazy. Try to think of the most sympathetic reason - e.g., the person is fatigued because s/he is receiving treatment for cancer. S/he was in a car accident at some point and nearly died or nearly killed someone and now avoids driving at all costs because of the trauma. S/he is depressed and can barely get through the day without thinking of ending his or her life but can't do this because of the kids. So carpooling isn't at the opt of her/her list.

3) I'm suffering/have a greater workload than they do.

It probably feels like this a lot of the time. But there are people a lot worse off than you and you know it. If you stop feeling like you're worse off, you'll stop feeling justified in expecting him/her to chip in.

I'm a single parent - I work full-time, have full custody, and am pretty much on my own - if your biggest gripe today is that people are not participating equally in carpooling, count your blessings!

I don't agree with number 1. I pull my own weight and I expect other adults to do the same.

+1

No kidding. How do they tie their own shoes?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP,
I am going to assume that not only are you having a bad day, but that everyday is pretty stressful for you and these kind of minor issues are big stressors for you as a result.

But you're upset because you hold assumptions that may or may not be true. These assumptions are:

1) Everyone needs to pull their own weight.

No they don't. It would be nice but they don't need to. Stop believing that everyone needs to contribute equally and you will stop being upset.

2) If someone isn't pulling their weight, then they must be lazy.

No, there are a million different reasons besides being lazy. Try to think of the most sympathetic reason - e.g., the person is fatigued because s/he is receiving treatment for cancer. S/he was in a car accident at some point and nearly died or nearly killed someone and now avoids driving at all costs because of the trauma. S/he is depressed and can barely get through the day without thinking of ending his or her life but can't do this because of the kids. So carpooling isn't at the opt of her/her list.

3) I'm suffering/have a greater workload than they do.

It probably feels like this a lot of the time. But there are people a lot worse off than you and you know it. If you stop feeling like you're worse off, you'll stop feeling justified in expecting him/her to chip in.

I'm a single parent - I work full-time, have full custody, and am pretty much on my own - if your biggest gripe today is that people are not participating equally in carpooling, count your blessings!

I don't agree with number 1. I pull my own weight and I expect other adults to do the same.

+1

No kidding. How do they tie their own shoes?

Do what you can, give what you can. Don't keep score. Life doesn't have to be even to be fair. This is how I live and what I teach my kids when they complain about each other.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Found out new information tonight about the other set of parents. Turned out not only was I right, but they are far, far worse than we thought.

The matter has escalated to much, much more than refusing to drive (a tiny symptom of what we did not expect). We are handling it by another avenue.

Thank you for any supportive, constructive, positive comments you have taken the time to write. Be well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP,
I am going to assume that not only are you having a bad day, but that everyday is pretty stressful for you and these kind of minor issues are big stressors for you as a result.

But you're upset because you hold assumptions that may or may not be true. These assumptions are:

1) Everyone needs to pull their own weight.

No they don't. It would be nice but they don't need to. Stop believing that everyone needs to contribute equally and you will stop being upset.

2) If someone isn't pulling their weight, then they must be lazy.

No, there are a million different reasons besides being lazy. Try to think of the most sympathetic reason - e.g., the person is fatigued because s/he is receiving treatment for cancer. S/he was in a car accident at some point and nearly died or nearly killed someone and now avoids driving at all costs because of the trauma. S/he is depressed and can barely get through the day without thinking of ending his or her life but can't do this because of the kids. So carpooling isn't at the opt of her/her list.

3) I'm suffering/have a greater workload than they do.

It probably feels like this a lot of the time. But there are people a lot worse off than you and you know it. If you stop feeling like you're worse off, you'll stop feeling justified in expecting him/her to chip in.

I'm a single parent - I work full-time, have full custody, and am pretty much on my own - if your biggest gripe today is that people are not participating equally in carpooling, count your blessings!

I don't agree with number 1. I pull my own weight and I expect other adults to do the same.

+1

No kidding. How do they tie their own shoes?

Do what you can, give what you can. Don't keep score. Life doesn't have to be even to be fair. This is how I live and what I teach my kids when they complain about each other.

Okay then the rule of natural consequences applies. Don't think you can handle having four children, when in reality you are dependent on other families to drive your kids around. You chose a boatload of kids, and you don't even work full time. I am gone at least 10 hours each weekday, and I stopped at two kids. I didn't stop at 2 kids so I could drive myself crazy handling other people's children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP here. Found out new information tonight about the other set of parents. Turned out not only was I right, but they are far, far worse than we thought.

The matter has escalated to much, much more than refusing to drive (a tiny symptom of what we did not expect). We are handling it by another avenue.

Thank you for any supportive, constructive, positive comments you have taken the time to write. Be well.

You called CPS?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP here. Found out new information tonight about the other set of parents. Turned out not only was I right, but they are far, far worse than we thought.

The matter has escalated to much, much more than refusing to drive (a tiny symptom of what we did not expect). We are handling it by another avenue.

Thank you for any supportive, constructive, positive comments you have taken the time to write. Be well.

You're nuts.

[Anonymous]

I still can't tell if OP is angry because the other parent won't do her SHARE of the carpool (I.e. Other child gets carpooled, but parent doesn't drive), or if other parent and child do not participate at all in the carpool. Please advise.

[Anonymous]

I have not read all of this, but want to say that if you are holding the other parents to the same standard of participation to which you hold yourself, and it is creating resentment in you, then you should stop applying your standard to them. Unless you know them well, you have no idea if they are overcommitted elsewhere (aged parents, demanding job, whatever) or whatever may be affecting their view of what "participate" means. It is unfair to apply your view of the world to them.

If you can't do it all, then perhaps you should just ask them if they can do more and be accepting if they can't. If it is truly a problem for you, then back away and your child will have to do without that person. Frankly, if they are little, they won't notice little Larla is missing pretty quickly.

If you aren't asking, then your resentment is all created by your actions, not their action or lack of action.

[Anonymous]

OP here, for the last time, since there are other developments in the story that require more serious attention. The parent, as it turns out, has plenty of time for other things that are not dire - but rather destructive.

The parent expects rides for their child, but does not give rides.

Really, this is not so hard to understand. In addition, there are more serious circumstances that the parent has brought upon themselves, as I mentioned.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP here. Found out new information tonight about the other set of parents. Turned out not only was I right, but they are far, far worse than we thought.

The matter has escalated to much, much more than refusing to drive (a tiny symptom of what we did not expect). We are handling it by another avenue.

Thank you for any supportive, constructive, positive comments you have taken the time to write. Be well.

You called CPS?

Who did? Where are you getting this information?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP here. Found out new information tonight about the other set of parents. Turned out not only was I right, but they are far, far worse than we thought.

The matter has escalated to much, much more than refusing to drive (a tiny symptom of what we did not expect). We are handling it by another avenue.

Thank you for any supportive, constructive, positive comments you have taken the time to write. Be well.

You're nuts.

You are looking for an argument where there is none. Go back under your bridge, troll.

[Anonymous]

Wow! Wasn't this the weirdest thread ever? OP was so full of resentment, insinuation and circular argument that she made my head reel!

I think the other parents (who do not "participate") are doing so deliberately to get rid of OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow! Wasn't this the weirdest thread ever? OP was so full of resentment, insinuation and circular argument that she made my head reel!

I think the other parents (who do not "participate") are doing so deliberately to get rid of OP.

What?

Who are you talking to?