My wife doesn't want to work 9-5. Help me.

[Anonymous]

You don't need to be a law partner or live in exburbia to budget for one salary. NP here. We bought a house in a sought-after zip code and kept the mortgage to one-salary levels. Fwiw at the time my husband was making $75k per year and we both had (and still have) student loans to pay off. We did this by buying a house that was old and needed lots of work and had other downsides. We lived with the smallest lousiest kitchen for a decade, and our house is still way smaller and less fancy than most of our colleagues and friends.

The trade-off is that I was able to stay home with my first child for a year, and could have stayed home indefinitely if that year hadn't been more than enough time to convince that we would all be better off if I went back to work. I'm glad I did it, I'm glad I had the option, but for the same reasons that the PP described and the OP worries about for his wife, I'm really glad that I went back to work. The problem with never having the option is that you tend to glorify life as a SAHM. It isn't all that, not by a long shot! I now look happily upon on all the Bethesda yoga-pants moms in my neighborhood - they seem perfectly happy but it was definitely not for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't need to be a law partner or live in exburbia to budget for one salary. NP here. We bought a house in a sought-after zip code and kept the mortgage to one-salary levels. Fwiw at the time my husband was making $75k per year and we both had (and still have) student loans to pay off. We did this by buying a house that was old and needed lots of work and had other downsides. We lived with the smallest lousiest kitchen for a decade, and our house is still way smaller and less fancy than most of our colleagues and friends.

The trade-off is that I was able to stay home with my first child for a year, and could have stayed home indefinitely if that year hadn't been more than enough time to convince that we would all be better off if I went back to work. I'm glad I did it, I'm glad I had the option, but for the same reasons that the PP described and the OP worries about for his wife, I'm really glad that I went back to work. The problem with never having the option is that you tend to glorify life as a SAHM. It isn't all that, not by a long shot! I now look happily upon on all the Bethesda yoga-pants moms in my neighborhood - they seem perfectly happy but it was definitely not for me.

I was a WM for years (director and VP level)- I had a break and SAHM - I want to go back to work but when you say that works for you to got back to work- how do you handle child care? My kids are both in ES and not old enough to be on their own. Besides SACC (not an option now that both kids could do it!) - what else can you do?

[Anonymous]

Here's what you do:

Accept that you both need to work FT, and work smarter, not harder.

Specifically: She should go to work super early and get home early...she should not work 9 to 5. You should do the morning routine and head in a little later and work later...it's called tag teaming and we all do it. In fact, you have to do it once the kids get older and have after school activities (someone will need to shuttle them around, so you might as well get used to the schedule now).

See how easy it is? Problem (sort of) solved.

I am a lawyer in DC too. I try to get into the office by 7:30 or 8. I work through lunch so I can leave early. I have a super horrific commute, but it's tolerable since I avoid rush hour in the evenings.

[Anonymous]

OP,

As a mom of 2 (one newborn and toddler) and an attorney, I can sympathize with your wife's feelings. I moved to government before we had kids b/c I saw that the firm life was unsustainable for having a balanced family life. You mentioned she was moving to the government. Is she absolutely sure that she has to work 9 to 5? A lot of government agencies allow you to start earlier than 9 am so she could definitely gain more hours w/ your child that way.

For example, I am now shifting my hours to the earliest start time available which is 6:30 am. I will be teleworking 2 days a week and working an alternate schedule (80 hrs in 9 days so I have the 10th day off). This way I will only have to come into the office 5 days every two weeks. This will save greatly on commute time. I can see my kids in the mornings I work from home, during lunch and without the commute gain an extra 1/2 hr of time before my youngest goes to bed at 6/6:30.

With my first, I did the two days a week telework for a while (as I was pumping) and at that time it helped since her bedtime was 7. It is now 8 pm, so I'm not as worried about missing out with her. (When we had our first child, both DH and I shifted our schedule so we would only have the nanny 40 hrs/wk. Many working families need at least 50 to cover commuting time.)

I would never quit my job (we have a pretty high mortgage since we live very close to DC) but I have been on maternity leave with my last child these 4 months and I have really enjoyed the time out of the office to spend w/ both kids. That said, staying home full time has got to be the hardest job there is, particularly when there's more than 1.

Tell your wife that it will get easier. The baby will start to have a later bed time. She may get to have different work hours (which can make a ton of difference), including alternative work schedules. If she's still feeling like this, maybe try saving her salary and doing a trial run living off of your salary for a while to see if it's manageable for you both. Some agencies offer leave without pay for up to 1 yr. I don't know if she would qualify right away, but if she still feels like this, she could give it a trial run and still return to her job if she changes her mind.

good luck.

[Anonymous]

My best friend has been a stay at home mom for 14 years. Her husband makes about 60k a year. They make it work. It is all about priorities. 14 years ago when she had her first her husband was making 30k. They now have 3 kids, own a beautiful home and go on 1 nice vacation a year.

[Anonymous]

To 20:52 - you neglected to say how much money the grandparents have given them to help out with housing and expenses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My best friend has been a stay at home mom for 14 years. Her husband makes about 60k a year. They make it work. It is all about priorities. 14 years ago when she had her first her husband was making 30k. They now have 3 kids, own a beautiful home and go on 1 nice vacation a year.

60k a year with 3 kids? Own a beautiful home? Go on nice vacations? Bullshit. That's basically poverty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My best friend has been a stay at home mom for 14 years. Her husband makes about 60k a year. They make it work. It is all about priorities. 14 years ago when she had her first her husband was making 30k. They now have 3 kids, own a beautiful home and go on 1 nice vacation a year.

60k a year with 3 kids? Own a beautiful home? Go on nice vacations? Bullshit. That's basically poverty.

Not in Texas they bought a bran new custom built home for 130k a few years ago. No state tax. Great health insurance covered through his company with hardly any out if pocket cost.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My best friend has been a stay at home mom for 14 years. Her husband makes about 60k a year. They make it work. It is all about priorities. 14 years ago when she had her first her husband was making 30k. They now have 3 kids, own a beautiful home and go on 1 nice vacation a year.

60k a year with 3 kids? Own a beautiful home? Go on nice vacations? Bullshit. That's basically poverty.

Not in Texas they bought a bran new custom built home for 130k a few years ago. No state tax. Great health insurance covered through his company with hardly any out if pocket cost.

yes in Texas. That's like making 200k here. A house is 2X income so super easy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I offered. She says no. We just bought the house 10 months ago. She's not willing to do anything radical like that. I would certainly be reluctant to, as well.

Just wondering why you didn't think these things through. I know a lot of couples who saddle themselves with this expensive lifestyle and then have children and feel utterly trapped.

I think couples don't realize how they will feel after having kids. My husband and I are buying a home we can afford on one salary.

So is one of you a law partner or did u elect for poor schools or hellish commute? People aren't spending gobs of money for most homes here, a modest home with good schools takes two incomes. You seem pretty high on yourself but the core complaint of this expensive lifestyle is the exorbitant cost of basic housing.

We moved here from a more expensive city and it seems rather reasonable to us. We bought a rowhouse for a little over 700 on a 320ish salary. Seems reasonable to us. We do not have kids and our commute is less than 30 minutes.

NP. Well bully for you. Unless you also know how to time-travel, how is this helpful?

Well I guess what they are saying is if you are making just one salary make sure it is over 300k. OP just needs to triple his salary, natch.

[Anonymous]

OP checking back in after 24 hours. Fascinating to read all the responses. I've been almost entirely a lurker here for the past couple of years, so it's interesting participating more actively.

Some more details on our situation. My wife will have a government job, and the hours will be good (i.e. she can do daycare pickup every day if needed), but there will be no flexibility beyond that. It's just not that kind of situation.

A bunch of people have commented on baby sleep times trending later as he gets older. He goes to bed at 8PM now. Will that really get later in the coming year or two? (We can barely stay up past 10.)

There have been comments about my worry that she'll want to stay at home and quit the workforce entirely. I do worry about this, but she assures me she's not interested in quitting work altogether. She wants meaningful work on her own schedule, or at least on a flexible schedule, and there don't seem to be many models for that for lawyers. And she doesn't even want to do legal work, it's just that she's not really qualified to do anything else, and straying from the path is tough when the legal path keeps validating you (if not satisfying you).

As for delaying the second child, I think we'll want to actually hasten the arrival of #2. We had to use IVF for this one (my problem, not hers) and so we'll probably be anxious about trying again relatively soon. I expect a second kid would only exacerbate the problematic career-dynamic we're dealing with, and the financial one, but I don't think we're going to let any of that stop us from trying. Having a baby is truly the best thing that's happened to us, we love him to death, grateful every day for our luck and privilege, and are willing to throw caution to the wind for the chance of another, no question.

I don't think she's depressed, and there's been no pregnancy-related mental issues that we're aware of, but it's something to think about. I fear even raising the question would arise her ire, as she doesn't particularly like to have her anxieties and dilemmas attributed to hormones or chemicals--and neither would I.

As for me, I'm struggling to come to terms with the prospect of my having to be the primary--and perhaps even sole--breadwinner in this family, despite her having much higher earning potential. The fact is that it requires one person to be extraordinarily lucky and prosperous to match the salary of two merely successful people. Add to that the concentration of risk in one person's career, and you have the makings of lots of pressure on the breadwinner. I just hope I'll be able to make enough to compensate for her making a lot less.

In the short term, I expect we will soldier on for a year and see how things go. The important thing, obviously, is that the baby is healthy and happy, that we are contending with the problems of the very lucky and privileged, and that we both have families that in emergencies will be there for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP, if you are still reading,

I was your wife 9 years ago, with a special needs infant and a demanding job (well, a crazy boss). We suffered through a year of hell, and I finally quit. At the time, DH was making 70K a year, max.

I felt so relieved and happy as a stay at home mother, and took my child to all his therapies and activities.
Fast forward to now and I am still a very busy SAHM with 2 kids, and we live in a SFH in Bethesda. HHI 100K.

We make it work.

OP, a happy wife usually makes time for sex

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife just acknowledged to me she will be unhappy so long as she must maintain a 9-5 schedule. We have a house, a baby, and we can't afford to live on my government salary alone. At least not for another year or so, until I can contemplate a private sector exit.

She's a lawyer with a decent schedule, but not mission-fulfilling, and the hours away from the baby are killing her slowly. What can I do or say to make this better? I feel like I'm looking at a minimum 12 tough months ahead.

Get a real (non-govt) job.

Leave babylon (DC)

[Anonymous]

Get a divorce.

[Anonymous]

OP, have you thought about the stress on her for having the primary care duties (i.e. she is probably packing up baby for day care, picking up/dropping off), all the cooking, cleaning and laundry as well as caring for the baby. That is a lot in and of itself. If anything, you need to step up your game and help out more at home if you are expecting her to be the higher wage earner working full time. At a minimum you need to do 50/50. Maybe you are but it doesn't sound like it.

As a SAHM, I am far more busy now than I was working as the child keeps me busy. Between cooking, cleaning, shopping, laundry, multiple doctor/therapy appointments, preschool, activities I am running far more and doing far more than my husband who walks into the door (though sometimes with dinner thoughtfully) and just plays. When I get sick and he takes over for a day, he's just has the child duties and running without the cooking, cleaning, laundry, errands, scheduling appointments of all of us... oh, all the car repairs, paying the bills... the list goes on. Then, he appreciates me, forgets and he does it again and his appreciation increases.