My wife doesn't want to work 9-5. Help me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: She doesn't have a proposal. She feels we're stuck. I want to dislodge the problem, but I don't know how.

She needs to propose a solution. How old is the baby? It takes some time to establish a routine and get comfortable with it.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you are still reading,

I was your wife 9 years ago, with a special needs infant and a demanding job (well, a crazy boss). We suffered through a year of hell, and I finally quit. At the time, DH was making 70K a year, max.

I felt so relieved and happy as a stay at home mother, and took my child to all his therapies and activities.
Fast forward to now and I am still a very busy SAHM with 2 kids, and we live in a SFH in Bethesda. HHI 100K.

We make it work.

[Anonymous]

Oh, and make sure your wife is not developping post-partum depression like I did.

Can she go to the doctor for a check-up?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Going back to work as a lawyer after you have a baby can be really hard. I know. I did it. My job was awful. I worked for a megalomaniac boss easily 60 hours per week and more if I had trials. I was so unhappy. I finally quit and went to work for myself. I work about half as many hours, make more money, and largely control my own schedule. I would not have been able to make the balance that I have if I had quit when I was unhappy with a baby. And I am soooooo thankful that I stuck it out now. When my child was in daycare, the childcare schedule was predictable and reliable. Once you have school age children, there is no childcare for school vacations, teacher workday, and summer vacation so the flexibility to control my schedule became much more important once my child hit elementary school. And even in MS it can still be a struggle to keep all the balls in the air.

What to do though. What I wanted to hear from my husband while I was struggling to keep my nose and lips above the water line:

1. You are a great mom.
2. I know how hard you are working and that this is not easy.
3. Let's make a list of all the crap that needs to get done every day and divide it up.
4. If you just can't handle seeing my mom over the weekend, I understand.
5. Sleep in. I will handle the morning.
6. You look beautiful. I love you.

This is very thoughtful advice.

+1 baby probably sleeps a lot. Could she adjust her working hours (and possibly you adjust yours) so that she can have more time at home while baby is awake?

[Anonymous]

honestly your wife sounds kind of whiny and entitled. very few people can have it all. If she wants more time with the baby, she's going to have to find a part time job and you're going to have to cut back on your spending. 9 to 5 is pretty great hours for a lawyer, though. And most lawyers that I know that went part time ended up working essentially the same amount for less pay and ended up going back to full time - it's tough to find what she's looking for in her field. At this point, all the lawyer moms that I know are working full time. Is there any way she can telecommute one or two days a week, so that she's around the baby more?

[Anonymous]

As a working mom myself I can tell you that the feeling of needing to have more flexibility and to "be there" actually gets worse, not better. When your child is old enough to grab your leg and cry"mommy no! Don't go, please!" Then you will really be in trouble.

Also try to postpone #2 as long as possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife just acknowledged to me she will be unhappy so long as she must maintain a 9-5 schedule. We have a house, a baby, and we can't afford to live on my government salary alone. At least not for another year or so, until I can contemplate a private sector exit.

She's a lawyer with a decent schedule, but not mission-fulfilling, and the hours away from the baby are killing her slowly. What can I do or say to make this better? I feel like I'm looking at a minimum 12 tough months ahead.

Maybe you should have had the baby yourself? You seem to think you're much more qualified than your wife, don't have as strong of emotional ties with the baby and probably can much more easily juggle work and having a child. It's too bad you're a man and can't have kids. You'd be so good at it!!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a working mom myself I can tell you that the feeling of needing to have more flexibility and to "be there" actually gets worse, not better. When your child is old enough to grab your leg and cry"mommy no! Don't go, please!" Then you will really be in trouble.

Also try to postpone #2 as long as possible.

Aren't you glad you didn't reproduce with this man? He seems to lack empathy or understanding. I can't stand when men demand you have their children for them and then act like you have some kind of problem having two jobs at once (raising their kid and going into an office).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP, if you are still reading,

I was your wife 9 years ago, with a special needs infant and a demanding job (well, a crazy boss). We suffered through a year of hell, and I finally quit. At the time, DH was making 70K a year, max.

I felt so relieved and happy as a stay at home mother, and took my child to all his therapies and activities.
Fast forward to now and I am still a very busy SAHM with 2 kids, and we live in a SFH in Bethesda. HHI 100K.

We make it work.

We did not know till later we had special needs but I was miserable at my job. I planned to go back out of pressure from my family. They had a bird women have to work. My husband hated what my job and boss were doing to me and said if I want to stay home he fully supports it. He slowly upped his income enough to replace enough of mine to make it work. The first 8 months or so is hard regarded. I can never get my career back but the kids are far more important me. My being home and taking care if almost everything allows him time with the kids when he is not working. It benefits all of us.

Why not suggest part time for and you get a new job with more money.

[Anonymous]

I second finding something PT and adjusting your lifestyle. That's what we did, too. Both are much happier. Can she be an independent consultant?

[Anonymous]

OP: it sounds like she was just venting and talking to you.

She rationally knows you can't just turn around and sell a house 10 mos after you buy it. She also knows that you guys can't survive on your salary alone. She wants to be home with her kid. She feels stuck. These are common feelings.

Maybe you guys can make a 3 yr plan. Will you def be going into private sector? What's your plan for making the transition. How much will you be making? What is your saving plan right now? How much longer should she work after you get the private sector job?

[Anonymous]

There are only 3 options:

1. Make more money
2. Spend less money
3. Do nothing

So if you can't/won't sell the house or switch jobs, then there really isn't anything you can do. But I think you already know this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I second finding something PT and adjusting your lifestyle. That's what we did, too. Both are much happier. Can she be an independent consultant?

I third on this notion.

OP it sounds like the both of you are kind of in all or nothing mode. You need to give yourself some freedom to be creative.

As to her desire to spend more time with your child, the fact that you think an hour here or there is enough for you sounds like you seriously think this issue is about YOU vs HER. You don't appear to even consider that YOUR CHILD would BENEFIT from more time with mom and that his would naturally be part of your wife's thinking. That is an actual consideration that you aren't even mentioning as a valid component here.

And yeah, your vision of a SAHM is pretty nutty, dude. What century are you from? And please dont think that she get male attention at work that does anything for her. Whats with the "only male attention" from you at the end of the day thing?

You sound like you have some fuddy duddy ideas about gender roles and what women are about. What is going on here?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I offered. She says no. We just bought the house 10 months ago. She's not willing to do anything radical like that. I would certainly be reluctant to, as well.

Just wondering why you didn't think these things through. I know a lot of couples who saddle themselves with this expensive lifestyle and then have children and feel utterly trapped.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Baby is 10 months. She's been back 6, but is leaving the firm to take a government job with more reliable schedule and catastrophically lower pay. But she's not enthusiastic about the move, because 9 to 5 still feels to her like it will be too few hours with the kid. For me, an hour in the morning and two at night is plenty on weekdays. Not for her. I cannot tell her to "suck it up."

OP, instead of trying to come up with some magical solution that will work for everyone, just focus on supporting how she is feeling right now. Just listen to her and paraphrase back what she's saying. No problem solving: "So it's really important that you get to spend several hour a day with Pierpont. And your worried that this new govt job, while fewer hours than the other job, still won't get you the hours you want with him." And then just listen some more.

Sometimes I'm just feeling frustrated or upset by a situation, and I need to just be "in that moment." I get that it sucks and that there's not a lot of solutions. I don't need someone to fix it because I know it can't be fixed. I just need someone to "get" my frustration. Then I move on and "suck it up." Just because she's upset doesn't mean she's expecting you to fix it or that she can't deal with it. I hope that makes sense.

Yes, op, consider this. She may just want to vent and complain even if there it's no workable solution right now. Listen to her.