My wife doesn't want to work 9-5. Help me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, why would you wife have to do both drop off and pick up of child. You need to step up to the plate and do one. I wouldn't work either under those circumstances.

Impossible to answer given the circumstances. Maybe he isn't able to do one or the other. Total BS telling him to 'step up to the plate' - you have no idea what his work schedule or responsibility is.

Yes, but I can see why his wife wouldn't want to do both. If he works such long hours, maybe his wife should be home with the kid.
This guy wants everything, and he wants his wife to do it all.

I think OP said he does the majority of the cooking, cleaning and laundry. He contributes in his way, she contributes in hers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Baby is 10 months. She's been back 6, but is leaving the firm to take a government job with more reliable schedule and catastrophically lower pay. But she's not enthusiastic about the move, because 9 to 5 still feels to her like it will be too few hours with the kid. For me, an hour in the morning and two at night is plenty on weekdays. Not for her. I cannot tell her to "suck it up."

OP, instead of trying to come up with some magical solution that will work for everyone, just focus on supporting how she is feeling right now. Just listen to her and paraphrase back what she's saying. No problem solving: "So it's really important that you get to spend several hour a day with Pierpont. And your worried that this new govt job, while fewer hours than the other job, still won't get you the hours you want with him." And then just listen some more.

Sometimes I'm just feeling frustrated or upset by a situation, and I need to just be "in that moment." I get that it sucks and that there's not a lot of solutions. I don't need someone to fix it because I know it can't be fixed. I just need someone to "get" my frustration. Then I move on and "suck it up." Just because she's upset doesn't mean she's expecting you to fix it or that she can't deal with it. I hope that makes sense.

I agree with this. I am in the same situation where I don't want to work cause I miss my baby but when there is nothing we can do, I like to vent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, why would you wife have to do both drop off and pick up of child. You need to step up to the plate and do one. I wouldn't work either under those circumstances.

Impossible to answer given the circumstances. Maybe he isn't able to do one or the other. Total BS telling him to 'step up to the plate' - you have no idea what his work schedule or responsibility is.

Yes, but I can see why his wife wouldn't want to do both. If he works such long hours, maybe his wife should be home with the kid.
This guy wants everything, and he wants his wife to do it all.

I think OP said he does the majority of the cooking, cleaning and laundry. He contributes in his way, she contributes in hers.

Oh please, do you really believe that he does the majority. I know some men do, but somehow I doubt that. I'd love to hear her side. And he minimizes the effort to do drop off/pick up, pack up baby, get baby ready, etc. My husband would tell you he helps... yea right. Once a month he may load/unload the dishwasher. Its been acting up for two months (I haven't felt like bugging him about it) and he just realized it last weekend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, why would you wife have to do both drop off and pick up of child. You need to step up to the plate and do one. I wouldn't work either under those circumstances.

Impossible to answer given the circumstances. Maybe he isn't able to do one or the other. Total BS telling him to 'step up to the plate' - you have no idea what his work schedule or responsibility is.

Yes, but I can see why his wife wouldn't want to do both. If he works such long hours, maybe his wife should be home with the kid.
This guy wants everything, and he wants his wife to do it all.

I think OP said he does the majority of the cooking, cleaning and laundry. He contributes in his way, she contributes in hers.

Oh please, do you really believe that he does the majority. I know some men do, but somehow I doubt that. I'd love to hear her side. And he minimizes the effort to do drop off/pick up, pack up baby, get baby ready, etc. My husband would tell you he helps... yea right. Once a month he may load/unload the dishwasher. Its been acting up for two months (I haven't felt like bugging him about it) and he just realized it last weekend.

No reason to believe OP is lying. Note that his wife's reason for wanting to stay home / work part time is not because she feels overwhelmed (which one would expect if OP wasn't contributing) but because she wants more time with her child. Of course, this was also posted in the money forum so we're getting way off track by having this discussion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, why would you wife have to do both drop off and pick up of child. You need to step up to the plate and do one. I wouldn't work either under those circumstances.

Impossible to answer given the circumstances. Maybe he isn't able to do one or the other. Total BS telling him to 'step up to the plate' - you have no idea what his work schedule or responsibility is.

Yes, but I can see why his wife wouldn't want to do both. If he works such long hours, maybe his wife should be home with the kid.
This guy wants everything, and he wants his wife to do it all.

I think OP said he does the majority of the cooking, cleaning and laundry. He contributes in his way, she contributes in hers.

Oh please, do you really believe that he does the majority. I know some men do, but somehow I doubt that. I'd love to hear her side. And he minimizes the effort to do drop off/pick up, pack up baby, get baby ready, etc. My husband would tell you he helps... yea right. Once a month he may load/unload the dishwasher. Its been acting up for two months (I haven't felt like bugging him about it) and he just realized it last weekend.

I must have missed the part where this thread morphed into a summary of your problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, why would you wife have to do both drop off and pick up of child. You need to step up to the plate and do one. I wouldn't work either under those circumstances.

Impossible to answer given the circumstances. Maybe he isn't able to do one or the other. Total BS telling him to 'step up to the plate' - you have no idea what his work schedule or responsibility is.

Yes, but I can see why his wife wouldn't want to do both. If he works such long hours, maybe his wife should be home with the kid.
This guy wants everything, and he wants his wife to do it all.

I think OP said he does the majority of the cooking, cleaning and laundry. He contributes in his way, she contributes in hers.

Even if he does contribute in other ways, I wouldn't want to do both drop off and pick ups. Especially since she doesn't want to work, he better make is easier for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP, if you are still reading,

I was your wife 9 years ago, with a special needs infant and a demanding job (well, a crazy boss). We suffered through a year of hell, and I finally quit. At the time, DH was making 70K a year, max.

I felt so relieved and happy as a stay at home mother, and took my child to all his therapies and activities.
Fast forward to now and I am still a very busy SAHM with 2 kids, and we live in a SFH in Bethesda. HHI 100K.

We make it work.

How are you paying for your sfh in Bethesda?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a working mom myself I can tell you that the feeling of needing to have more flexibility and to "be there" actually gets worse, not better. When your child is old enough to grab your leg and cry"mommy no! Don't go, please!" Then you will really be in trouble.

Also try to postpone #2 as long as possible.

Aren't you glad you didn't reproduce with this man? He seems to lack empathy or understanding. I can't stand when men demand you have their children for them and then act like you have some kind of problem having two jobs at once (raising their kid and going into an office).

You sound unhinged. I am a mom myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP, if you are still reading,

I was your wife 9 years ago, with a special needs infant and a demanding job (well, a crazy boss). We suffered through a year of hell, and I finally quit. At the time, DH was making 70K a year, max.

I felt so relieved and happy as a stay at home mother, and took my child to all his therapies and activities.
Fast forward to now and I am still a very busy SAHM with 2 kids, and we live in a SFH in Bethesda. HHI 100K.

We make it work.

How are you paying for your sfh in Bethesda?

most likely purchased years ago, or is a second home purchased with appreciation from starter home, or family help. i have nothing against these scenarios, but really chuckle when these kinds of folks start preaching about living in bethesda with 100k incomes (and owning, not renting).

[Anonymous]

She should quit her job. I think she should try to stay home full time or only work part time while your baby is small.

Cut out all unnecessary expenses. I bet you can survive on your salary alone. You would be surprised.

[Anonymous]

Is part-time an option? Seems like the perfect solution. Extra income and she won't be away form her baby all week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife went through something similar. She was exceptionally torn about staying at work. She quit. We tightened our budgets and agreed that if I was the sole breadwinner then she'd have to get comfortable with that - I can't be home to take care of the kids cause she wants to grab lunch with a friend. She got that.

It was miserable for both of us. She had visions of unicorns shitting rainbows but the truth of it is being a SAHM is more work than going to work. Perhaps more fulfilling but certainly more exhausting. It's not yoga pants and mocha lattes with your girlfriends talking about whether you are on team Bella or some shit, it's sitting around with poopy diapers, dirty dishes, bills, cleaning, drop offs, and 37 seconds a day to quietly cry in a corner. The lack of adult interaction was tough for her.

It was horseshit for me. I'd come home to a flustered and exhausted wife who had little to no energy left to hang out with me, much less anything romantic. She didn't mean to but she got a little resentful I think of my work - two days in Miami for a conference turns into "well that must be nice". She was joking but there was clearly an undercurrent of frustration. That then manifested in my feeling guilty, so I'd try to get out of things at work which was probably not a terribly smart career move at least in the long run.

Money became more of an issue but not in the way we thought it might. Financially we were fine, but my wife felt more guilty doing things like getting a massage or haircut or anything else for herself. I had to push her to do these things anyway, but she always felt like she shouldn't do it, and it became clear she thought she wasn't "contributing" to the household.

She lasted just over a year before she decided to go back. The never ending grind of kids 24/7, the condescending stares from working moms (which you also get from stay at home moms if you work), the self imposed stresses, however silly, of money, the lack of adult interaction, and the difficulty in my job, made it all not worthwhile.

She ended up moving to a non profit with slightly more flexible hours (and a little less pay) and is much happier. The commute from VA probably made it a bit of a wash in terms of time with the kids but mentally it feels different.

My advice: look for alternate options outside of quitting. Part time work, different company, etc.

OP, my advice is to let her. Have her take leave without pay, such as FMLA. Let her experience this at least 3 months. She will want to go back to work. If you can't take that much time off, let her care for the kid ALL DAY LONG during the weekends. Don't help with the kid at all during the time frames you're at work during the weekday. Let her experiment how it is to be a stay at home mom during those hours you're away.

I'm a wife and our situation was kind of like the above poster.
First, I do understand what your wife is going through. 2-3 hours a day quickly goes by doing feeding and bathing the baby, putting the baby to sleep. I felt I didn't have much quality time (30 min). I had only a 40 hour week job but with commute I was away from my baby 10.5 hours a day. But when I tried being a SAHM, I was happy only temporarily. At 6 months or 8 months or 10 months, babies are easy to care for. As a SAHM I had time to actually read here and there, meet friends, do playdates during certain months of infancy. But I cut back on lattes, nice lunches, massages, manicures, all those non-necessities, and felt I had to justify it every time. Of course housework and chores went from 60-40 division to a 80-20 division since of course the SAHM has more time. More importantly, when the child became older (past 12 months), I was just so exhausted during the day. Then once toddlers walk and assert their own will, caring for them just 6-8 hours at a strech can be challenging. I'm back at working 40 hours, and my workdays are less physically demanding than my weekends. When my husband is away during the weekends, I feel especially exhausted, and I almost want to call in sick on Monday. As an attorney, to have a 40 hour workweek, I got into the goverment, speficially into an agency that has lower pay with a promotional cap that doesn't even hit 6 figures at the ceiling but guarantees the 40 hours with no weekend or evening work. Yes, in my ideal world, I'd have a shorter commute or work less than 40 hours to see my child an extra 2 hours a day, I'd earn what I used to, but with all its compromises, what I know for certain is that I would NOT be a SAHM. Again OP, just let her try it for some time. She'll see.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My best friend has been a stay at home mom for 14 years. Her husband makes about 60k a year. They make it work. It is all about priorities. 14 years ago when she had her first her husband was making 30k. They now have 3 kids, own a beautiful home and go on 1 nice vacation a year.

60k a year with 3 kids? Own a beautiful home? Go on nice vacations? Bullshit. That's basically poverty.

Not in Texas they bought a bran new custom built home for 130k a few years ago. No state tax. Great health insurance covered through his company with hardly any out if pocket cost.

Oh so helpful for the OP who doesn't live in Texas and where no homes are at $130k much less a beautiful home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP, if you are still reading,

I was your wife 9 years ago, with a special needs infant and a demanding job (well, a crazy boss). We suffered through a year of hell, and I finally quit. At the time, DH was making 70K a year, max.

I felt so relieved and happy as a stay at home mother, and took my child to all his therapies and activities.
Fast forward to now and I am still a very busy SAHM with 2 kids, and we live in a SFH in Bethesda. HHI 100K.

We make it work.

How are you paying for your sfh in Bethesda?

most likely purchased years ago, or is a second home purchased with appreciation from starter home, or family help. i have nothing against these scenarios, but really chuckle when these kinds of folks start preaching about living in bethesda with 100k incomes (and owning, not renting).

Seriously. So much depends on how much your mortgage is. Now you can't even buy a shitshack for 600k. Just the mortgage and taxes would be $3,500+.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She needs to look for a different position then. I don't see what you can do to make it better for her.

How easy is it to get another job in this economy? I want a different job. I have too much stress on my job.