Men: do brains make up for lack of looks?

[Anonymous]

Hey, well to one thing is for sure, OP will not be passing her fat genes onto anyone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hey, well to one thing is for sure, OP will not be passing her fat genes onto anyone else.

wow, i hope for the rest of us that you won't be passing on your asshole genes.

[Anonymous]

I stumbled upon an MBA graduate at a bar and ended up marrying him. However I'm not fat and attended James Madison.

[Anonymous]

I weighed 188 when I got married. And I'm short. And yes, ivy educated. I'm also funny, cheerful, supportive and outgoing. I rock pretty lingerie, enjoy sex (a lot) and love going to concerts, movies and get togethers with friends. In other words, I am so much more than that dusty degree. I married a highly educated guy who isn't ivy but does have a PhD from MIT. You are truly limiting yourself, OP.

[Anonymous]

OP, PPs are right in that your looks are not the problem, your attitude is.

I share some traits with you. I'm an Ivy grad (although this almost never comes up in a dating situation because it is kind of elitist and desperate sounding to lead with an imagined pedigree) and I'm not attractive. I'm not fat, but I'm not a size 0 either. I'm just...ordinary and average and not particularly skilled at clothing and makeup and the things that can make someone more attractive.

I have absolutely no trouble finding interesting men to date, or sleep with or keep company with or whatever it is I'm looking for. I've no horror stories, regularly date, and maintain good friendships with the vast majority of men I have dated.

Not bad for an ugly girl.

Here is what works for me.

I don't limit myself or prejudge any man I meet. I try to see them as the person they present. If we have great conversation, make each other laugh, have an attraction, then it's all good. I try hard not to see too far into the future. If we have a great date, I look forward to the next great date. If, at some point, something happens that makes one of us less comfortable or causes a problem, I move on. I'm upfront when I need to be, and believe more in listening and learning about the person, not the resume.

I also remember that the point is not to get married or settle down. The point is to find someone I would enjoy spending the rest of my days with.

This could work for you, too, if you stop looking at the paper and start looking at the person.

[Anonymous]

Theoretically I'm the kind of guy the OP is looking for. (Whether she'd actually like me is an entirely different question, and I'm married already.)

Every person is a mix of traits.

I've known physically stunning women who had serious issues or just weren't nice people (I divorced one as part of learning that particular lesson). I know women who aren't classically or societally beautiful, but who are incredibly sexy, and if I weren't married I'd be chasing them right now.

I've known and dated smart, funny, creative, successful women whose appearance is all over the spectrum of what society considers "attractive".

I can't deny that as a guy I appreciate a beautiful woman, but then my wife looks at Chris Hemsworth and goes, "Mmm....Yummy." and I look nothing like him.

But the women I find attractive and sexy are confident, smart, funny and flirtatious and have some physical features that they like in themselves - whether it's their eyes, smile, boobs, butt, hair and they focus on maximizing those. (Don't forget smell, either.)

So, OP, I'd say work on the flirting. Find friends who you think are good at it and put your intellect to work on learning how to do it. Enjoy banter and flirtatious wordplay and play up the features you think are your best - maybe you have a great smile, maybe you have beautiful eyes, maybe you love the way your "milkshake brings the boys to the yard."

Recognize, though, that you have to get past the first impression for a guy to get to know you. You either need to put yourself in situations where the guys aren't making the split second choice to talk with you or the hot 25 year-old Starbucks barrista, or you need to work on your appearance (clothing, demeanor, etc.) so they make the choice you want them to make.

All of this takes more work on your part than it would for a woman who is more traditionally physically attractive, but you can do it, and there are guys who are looking for that.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

What happened to OP? Gone back to her ivory tower?

[Anonymous]

NO.

taking care of one's body is a sign of self love. the opposite is self hate.

the only thing that can make up for being unattractive is: to be reallllllly nice and agreeable + a total sex fiend.

and even then, you'll lose out on quality dudes to women who are in shape.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The problem is that you're hoping men won't be shallow for only wanting to date a thin women while you're just as shallow for only wanting to date a many with an Ivy League degree...

Exactly.

[Anonymous]

OP you think you are smart because you went to an ivy. You are actually stupid. There are are smart people all over this country who went to all kinds of colleges. There are scientists, engineers, doctors, professors, authors, etc who went to state schools and colleges no one has heard of. Also you are too lazy to eat right and workout. The older you get no one will care you went too an ivy. How are you going to work that into every conversation. Stop living in the glory days of your ivy. Get healthy and just find a nice guy. Otherwise you will never be happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will be the first to admit that I am fat. I'm 5'4" and 200 lbs and the thinnest I've ever been is 185 lbs. I have never really attracted men. However, I went to HYP for undergrad and then Harvard Business School for my MBA, and now make a very nice living as a consultant. I have a wide circle of friends and am very well liked, and I know I'm smart. I've never really been able to attract men, however, because of how I look and because I can't really flirt.

I want to marry a man who has an Ivy League background and comes from a good family. I think that with my brains and career success and social network, I should look like attractive girlfriend material for a successful man. Will they be able to see past my weight? (Don't talk to me about weight loss - I've been down that road a million times, and now I've just decided to accept that I'm fat and the fat is here to stay.)

I would marry you, but keep some hot women on the side.

[Anonymous]

I just don't get the ivy league requirement. My brother graduated from Brown with all As and Bs. He makes under 70k. I have a best friend who went to Colby and works in finance and makes around 200k and who knows what will happen to his success once he graduates from NYU next year.

I'm assuming OP equated ivy league with success and intelligence, but I have seen many examples disproving that assumption. I just don't get it.

[Anonymous]

Agree pp. I went to school with a guy who went to Cornell, now he lives at home with his mom because he can't seem to keep a job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hey, well to one thing is for sure, OP will not be passing her fat genes onto anyone else.

wow, i hope for the rest of us that you won't be passing on your asshole genes.

Assholes are extremely likely to breed - that's why there are so many of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just don't get the ivy league requirement. My brother graduated from Brown with all As and Bs. He makes under 70k. I have a best friend who went to Colby and works in finance and makes around 200k and who knows what will happen to his success once he graduates from NYU next year.

I'm assuming OP equated ivy league with success and intelligence, but I have seen many examples disproving that assumption. I just don't get it.

Anonymous wrote:Agree pp. I went to school with a guy who went to Cornell, now he lives at home with his mom because he can't seem to keep a job.

I agree. My dad went to HYP, including an MBA from Harvard, and had one disastrous endeavor after another for his entire career.

There are all kinds of studies that support these anecdotes, as well.