Men: do brains make up for lack of looks?

[Anonymous]

So a man with a PhD from MIT, or Stanford, wouldn't be good enough for you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not toned, unfortunately. I've been like this for as long as I can remember.

I don't care about the man's looks and would happily date a fat man. And while I am a non-white woman (won't be more specific - need to maintain anonymity and DC is a small town), I have no race barrier and would happily date an AA man. But yes, I am afraid I am an elitist about his educational background.

NP here.

Well, you have reduced the pool to such a small group (Ivy grad, good family, attracted to an obese person who can't flirt), that I think you may want to either pay for a matchmaker or accept that you will probably never marry (or even really date).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not toned, unfortunately. I've been like this for as long as I can remember.

I don't care about the man's looks and would happily date a fat man. And while I am a non-white woman (won't be more specific - need to maintain anonymity and DC is a small town), I have no race barrier and would happily date an AA man. But yes, I am afraid I am an elitist about his educational background.

You're screwed, then.

Most people didn't go to Ivy League schools. So regardless of your weight and your accomplishments, you're seriously limiting your dating pool. It's a numbers game. This doesn't mean you have to date a parolee with no job, but you should consider opening your mind a bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not toned, unfortunately. I've been like this for as long as I can remember.

I don't care about the man's looks and would happily date a fat man. And while I am a non-white woman (won't be more specific - need to maintain anonymity and DC is a small town), I have no race barrier and would happily date an AA man. But yes, I am afraid I am an elitist about his educational background.

NP here.

Well, you have reduced the pool to such a small group (Ivy grad, good family, attracted to an obese person who can't flirt), that I think you may want to either pay for a matchmaker or accept that you will probably never marry (or even really date).

Or consider a wealthy man who is considerably older and just wants company.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not toned, unfortunately. I've been like this for as long as I can remember.

I don't care about the man's looks and would happily date a fat man. And while I am a non-white woman (won't be more specific - need to maintain anonymity and DC is a small town), I have no race barrier and would happily date an AA man. But yes, I am afraid I am an elitist about his educational background.

NP here.

Well, you have reduced the pool to such a small group (Ivy grad, good family, attracted to an obese person who can't flirt), that I think you may want to either pay for a matchmaker or accept that you will probably never marry (or even really date).

Second the vote for a matchmaker. Sounds like you're going to have to pay money for a man, one way or another.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not toned, unfortunately. I've been like this for as long as I can remember.

I don't care about the man's looks and would happily date a fat man. And while I am a non-white woman (won't be more specific - need to maintain anonymity and DC is a small town), I have no race barrier and would happily date an AA man. But yes, I am afraid I am an elitist about his educational background.

NP here.

Well, you have reduced the pool to such a small group (Ivy grad, good family, attracted to an obese person who can't flirt), that I think you may want to either pay for a matchmaker or accept that you will probably never marry (or even really date).

P.S. I responded to this because I'm not much of a looker, but I have a genius-level IQ (but didn't go to an Ivy, just had all my education paid for via merit awards) and I think what made me attractive to men when I was younger and dating was that I was a great flirt thanks to my intellect and social prowess -- very fast with jokes, very attentive and personable, good at gauging the social situation and knowing when to take things to the next level. Ended up marrying DH because he was equally witty and fun to be with, but I will admit he's very handsome (he's the attractive one, but I'm a little smarter, so I guess it all evens out?) and we've done very well for ourselves financially and love each other very much.

So I do think smarts can make a woman more appealing. But I don't think it's a carte blanche to assume you will find a mate for whom you can check off every criteria on some list. And I don't think anyone who's socially awkward will ever have an advantageous position when it comes to dating, unless they hold some sort of trump card they don't mind being "used" for (e.g., vast wealth, power and influence, family connections, etc).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not toned, unfortunately. I've been like this for as long as I can remember.

I don't care about the man's looks and would happily date a fat man. And while I am a non-white woman (won't be more specific - need to maintain anonymity and DC is a small town), I have no race barrier and would happily date an AA man. But yes, I am afraid I am an elitist about his educational background.

NP here.

Well, you have reduced the pool to such a small group (Ivy grad, good family, attracted to an obese person who can't flirt), that I think you may want to either pay for a matchmaker or accept that you will probably never marry (or even really date).

Or consider a wealthy man who is considerably older and just wants company.

They don't have to settle. There's scads of young beautiful women who would fit their bill. No older wealthy man wants an ugly chick. Not gonna happen. (Not saying fat = ugly but OP hasn't really made herself sound very attractive so I'm going to assume she isn't. There's "overweight but still pretty and dresses well" but OP just says she's fat, "unfortunately not toned" and accepts it. Gonna assume not a looker.)

OP you aren't going to marry a man in the narrow field you have chosen. Those men are looking for trophy wives. You can either lower your standards and widen your net now, or wait another 5-10 years at which point your available pools till won't be these men and most of the good ones you could have gotten will be snatched up. Your choice.

[Anonymous]

You need to learn how to flirt. If you know guys aren't going to break their necks running across the room to come talk to you then you need to learn how to open up and put your personality (which is hopefully pleasant) out there. You need to learn how to make a guy who is making his way toward the thinner girl across the room stop and say hello to you and immediately become engaged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will be the first to admit that I am fat. I'm 5'4" and 200 lbs and the thinnest I've ever been is 185 lbs. I have never really attracted men. However, I went to HYP for undergrad and then Harvard Business School for my MBA, and now make a very nice living as a consultant. I have a wide circle of friends and am very well liked, and I know I'm smart. I've never really been able to attract men, however, because of how I look and because I can't really flirt.

I want to marry a man who has an Ivy League background and comes from a good family. I think that with my brains and career success and social network, I should look like attractive girlfriend material for a successful man. Will they be able to see past my weight? (Don't talk to me about weight loss - I've been down that road a million times, and now I've just decided to accept that I'm fat and the fat is here to stay.)

The problem isn't your weight. It's your attitude.

+1 It's really stunning, actually. Morbidly obese, bad personality, only dates Ivy Leaguers. Hey, Chris Christie went to school near Princeton, does that count? I think he's married, though.

[Anonymous]

The human brain is the most important sex organ.

Just wish that I knew this when dating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to learn how to flirt. If you know guys aren't going to break their necks running across the room to come talk to you then you need to learn how to open up and put your personality (which is hopefully pleasant) out there. You need to learn how to make a guy who is making his way toward the thinner girl across the room stop and say hello to you and immediately become engaged.

+1

OP, is there anything visually attractive about you? Men are visual, you have to bring something to the party. As that millionaire matchmaker says: when a man is attracted to you his dick gets hard. So you're fat, can you present your fatness in a way that is appealing?

Even an intellectual male is capable of achieving a hard on involuntarily so as PP said learn how to flirt. It's not that hard of a skill to acquire.

[Anonymous]

Here is a difference between men and women:

A highly-educated, successful woman is usually not interested in a man who is less educated and doesn't have a great career.

A highly-educated, successful man is much less likely to expect his partner to have a near-equal, or above, level of attainment. Men just aren't wired to have expectations of "success" from women. A physically unattractive woman with an MBA from Harvard is less interesting to a man than a cutie who works at Starbucks.

Most ivy educated, successful guys are going to want a women whose looks and personality are commensurate with what he regards as his level of success.

OP, if you insist on an ivy educated man, you are probably going to have to look for a man who is older and just wants a companion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I want to marry a man who has an Ivy League background and comes from a good family.

Why would such a man want to marry a shoggoth?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will be the first to admit that I am fat. I'm 5'4" and 200 lbs and the thinnest I've ever been is 185 lbs. I have never really attracted men. However, I went to HYP for undergrad and then Harvard Business School for my MBA, and now make a very nice living as a consultant. I have a wide circle of friends and am very well liked, and I know I'm smart. I've never really been able to attract men, however, because of how I look and because I can't really flirt.

I want to marry a man who has an Ivy League background and comes from a good family. I think that with my brains and career success and social network, I should look like attractive girlfriend material for a successful man. Will they be able to see past my weight? (Don't talk to me about weight loss - I've been down that road a million times, and now I've just decided to accept that I'm fat and the fat is here to stay.)

There's your problem right there.

What about his personality? Do you care if he is funny? Just because he is IVY league doesn't mean he is smart. Legacies get taken in, regardless of how dumb they are.

What if he is misogynistic? abusive? unfaithful? There are LOTS of things to look for when thinking about the kind of guy you want to marry.

Frankly, I'm pretty close to your measurements and I found a great guy. He wasn't IVY league and actually made less $ than I did when we were dating and when we were first married. Now he doubles what I make because he is in business and I teach.

You might also be sending out a desperate to marry vibe and that will chase guys away faster than your fat.

You really should seek to be friends with someone before turning it into romance.

[Anonymous]

Smarts can make a woman incrementally more attractive to a man, but the effect is not sufficient to outweigh being significantly overweight for almost all men. Not to be a downer for you, but that is the simple truth of it.