I can't do this to my kid anymore

[Anonymous]

Maybe he couldn't have managed it by himself, but his dad could have helped him to squirt it at the other kids and he could have been part of the fun with all those other boys about his age. They wouldn't have cared if the dad was helping him squirt them. They are at the age when they are excited when a dad gets involved in the battle, even if they don't know him.

I think I offended the dad, and that was not my attention. My youngest in particular doesn't know a stranger, and he would have loved a new friend since we are new to the pool. Me? I just saw a little boy who looked like he wanted to play and who looked like he wanted out extra squirt tube.

Well, I think it is hard to judge how the dad responded. Maybe he was worried that his son would get overstimulated or hurt. It is possible that he was not offended but just didn't feel like it would be a good idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know how easy it is to distinguish between genuinely curious questions and ones that are intended to be mean. I guess I also wonder how many 7yos are really mean in that fashion - I have kids a bit older and a bit younger and I don't see that (but they're boys, so maybe it's different.) They can be awfully obtuse though.

I also think this question is a tough one for adults to navigate, which is why there's another SN thread right now about how to approach a SN mom at the pool. I'll say as someone who dealt with an obvious physical disability on a short-term (6 month) basis recently due to a medical condition, adults were all across the board on this. And in general, I was less offended by the blunt questions from strangers at the supermarket than by the fact that my next-door neighbors, whose house is 16 feet from mine and saw me practically daily, never once said gee, what happened, how are you doing?

Point is, before you yell at some 7yos, try to remember that most are generally well-meaning, even if they express themselves awkwardly. Same is true for adults too.

I know you mean well, but experiencing a short-term physical disability for 6 months is just not the same as living with something permanent for years and years. It gets wearying to deal with others, even those who are well-intentioned, for so long, with no prospect of it ever going away. I used to have a positive attitude too about others' approaching me when I was a little girl - that's how I was taught to be, little Miss Sunshine - but now in my middle age I have much less patience with questions because I'm tired of people feeling they have a need or right to know about my body.

Also, I trust this mother can tell the difference between pure curiosity and kids who are being cruel.

Also, there's a huge difference between someone who knows you and sees that something has happened to you and doesn't ask (so of course you'd be upset when your neighbor doesn't say anything) and strangers who don't know anything about you coming up and asking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:An 8 yr old (diagnosed bipolar) said to my DS, "I'm going to torture you in your sleep." I got on my knees to her level and said, "I'm going to torture you in your dreams." She never talked to him again.

What a horrible thing to say to a child suffering from mental illness. You are proud of that? I think it is abusive.

[Anonymous]

OP, I tink you need to step back and ask yourself what your goal is in these conversations. if the children who say these things are not going to be regulars in your DD's life, for example if you aren't going to see them regularly at the pool, then you don;t need to teach them. What you do need to do is teach your DD how to react and accept these conversations. So everything you say in response to these children should be aimed at your DD and not really them. They are there for the lesson for your DD. When my DS was young and saw a person with an obvious disability (my DS has an ASD) he would say "thats how God made him." I don't know where he got that line, but it worked for us. if it works for you, you can use it. or some other line that acknowledges and accepts her difference so that hopefully that is the message she takes.

Of course if these kids are in her life on a regular basis you probably should tell them what is rude and what is acceptable. I would do this gently because your DD is watching and you don't want her to take anger from the interaction, especially if she is non verbal and would have trouble expressing the anger.

[Anonymous]

I guess these are the issues people have to deal with in a transient, urban area. If we knew each other and lived in a community, people would be accepted and that would be that, instead of having to deal with seeing new people and being rejected again and again and again.

As far as the neighbors not asking what was wrong with the temporary disabled poster -- there are always threads on DCUM about how to approach and obviously ill neighbor politely and the consensus seems to be, DON"T DO IT. Apparently it is rude to acknowledge outwardly apparent signs that someone is in ill health, getting a divorce, etc. Can't have it both ways, people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, that makes me sad. Perhaps you can try to ignore a child that looks mean by not making eye contact? Like subtley turning your back to them, so they don't have a chance to say something.

And if they do manage to say something like what you had described, you could say, "there is nothing wrong with her, she is a kind and wonderful girl". Then maybe if your DD hears you say that to others, then she will feel good about herself, because you would have stood up for her and you said good things about her.

Okay even I would laugh in your face if you said this.

She isn't saying it for you. She is saying it for her daughter who is listening, and will hear her mother lovingly defend her.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry, OP, my heart breaks for you and your daughter.

But, I think I would reply the same way to a kind/innocent query and a mean query:

"There is nothing wrong . She has a disorder that causes (X). Although she cannot speak, she understands what you're asking" and maybe add, if the question was mean spirited "and her feelings are hurt"

I think even a mean spirited kid would not quite know how to respond to this meanly, but maybe I am naive.

[Anonymous]

Not every time, but once in a while I would probably ask where their parents are, take them and your child over to their parents, and have them repeat the question in front of their parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not every time, but once in a while I would probably ask where their parents are, take them and your child over to their parents, and have them repeat the question in front of their parents.

Please. Don't do that. It will be mortifying for your child with SNs. I know you mean well and want to defend your SNs child but a parent doing something like this will make it so much worse especially with other kids. Your child's disability isn't a "teachable moment" to teach the meanies manners especially at a random public place like the pool.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, of course the kids aren't trying to connect with your child in friendship with these questions, but I don't necessarily think they're trying to mean. They are curious and don't know how to filter or refrain from asking.

If your kid understands the questions, I would have a talk with her about how people wonder about why she looks the way she does if she looks physically different from most kids.

I get why you're sick of the questions but I think you're reading way to much into this situation.

I find this comment insufferable and disrespectful. I wish you would apologise to OP for insulting her ability to discern meanness when she and her daughter experience it. This BS about how children do not have the ability to know and express basic decency, kindness, courtesy, friendship is a modern, self-serving construct. It is a false justification for failure to instill kindness and empathy.

This could be any one of our children's siblings, cousins. Don't they even teach the Golden Rule anymore?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess these are the issues people have to deal with in a transient, urban area. If we knew each other and lived in a community, people would be accepted and that would be that, instead of having to deal with seeing new people and being rejected again and again and again.

As far as the neighbors not asking what was wrong with the temporary disabled poster -- there are always threads on DCUM about how to approach and obviously ill neighbor politely and the consensus seems to be, DON"T DO IT. Apparently it is rude to acknowledge outwardly apparent signs that someone is in ill health, getting a divorce, etc. Can't have it both ways, people.

Gosh, this is so, so true and a big part of why I am so tired of living in D.C.

[Anonymous]

Are you serious? You think there's no meanness or bullying in small towns? Omg.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:An 8 yr old (diagnosed bipolar) said to my DS, "I'm going to torture you in your sleep." I got on my knees to her level and said, "I'm going to torture you in your dreams." She never talked to him again.

I know people are giving you crap about your response but I've done something similar and would do so again. I had a friend whose DS was diagnosed as bipolar/ODD. He would be violent without provocation, especially with those who were smaller than he. He was especially adept at doing it when an adult couldn't witness it. One day, he said something to my DD (he was 7, she was 4) along the lines of "I'm going to torture you". He didn't know I'd heard him. I went over to him, got down on his level and said if he ever hurt my kids again I would make him sorry. I was very threatening and I hope he was terribly frightened. "Mental illness' might explain his behavior but it doesn't excuse it. I feel really sorry for his mother but if positive reinforcement/discipline and other techniques aren't effective, I have no problem explaining what the consequences of his actions will be. Since he needs to believe that I'll follow through on them, I made sure I was convincing. Two of my three kids have SN, the youngest fairly severely. I am not going to stand by and let them be threatened.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
How about this reply:

"Nothing is wrong with her. Why are you so rude?"

Well because it's a lie. OBVIOUSLY something is wrong with her - enough that it attracts attention to the point that kids come over to ask about it and even more that she can't respond to SAY what is wrong with her.

Wow. Just wow. There is NOTHING -wrong- with a special needs child. No matter what special needs they have. There is something different, maybe, sure. But there is absolutely nothing WRONG with anyone. And therefor the talk should go like this:

Rude Kid: "What's wrong with her?!"
You: "Nothing. Why, does she have a bugger on her face or something?" -pretend to look for non-existent buggers-...or something similar.

The most important thing to teach ignorant people is that there is nothing wrong with not being the same as 'normal' people. Nothing. The faster everyone gets that into their heads, the faster we will all be better off.

As a child who grew up with an obvious disability, I don't know what was more painful and embarrassing: The fact that kids and adults asked what was "wrong" with me or my mother trying to teach them that "nothing was wrong" with me when it was obvious to everyone that could see that there was.

Boy, does this thread bring back painful memories.

So what do you recommend? What would have been best for you back then?

[Anonymous]

I'm really sorry about this OP.
I honestly think most parents would be mortified if they knew their kids were acting horribly like this and would appreciate your explaining that they aren't being polite, even scolding a little.