I can't do this to my kid anymore

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:An 8 yr old (diagnosed bipolar) said to my DS, "I'm going to torture you in your sleep." I got on my knees to her level and said, "I'm going to torture you in your dreams." She never talked to him again.

I'll have to remember this threat the next time your SNs brat misbehaves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:An 8 yr old (diagnosed bipolar) said to my DS, "I'm going to torture you in your sleep." I got on my knees to her level and said, "I'm going to torture you in your dreams." She never talked to him again.

Yikes. Not sure I would be threatening a mentally ill child.

+100 An adult saying that to a child who you know is diagnosed as bipolar is way worse than what the kid said to your DS.

Yeah, I would never threaten anyone with torture, esp not a SN 8-year-old. Though I would say, "If you threaten my child again I'll tell your parents [and, if it was a pattern and he was older: "and I'll call the police".] Don't come near us again." But definitely not torture. Eeps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, of course the kids aren't trying to connect with your child in friendship with these questions, but I don't necessarily think they're trying to mean. They are curious and don't know how to filter or refrain from asking.

If your kid understands the questions, I would have a talk with her about how people wonder about why she looks the way she does if she looks physically different from most kids.

I get why you're sick of the questions but I think you're reading way to much into this situation.

^^^ this is one of the morally relative sweet supportive gobbledygook language post-modern mamas from my neighborhood.

Ha ha, I totally agree.

Maybe you can just say, "I'm sorry but we're busy right now" and turn your back on them. My experience with mean kids is that when you look them in the eye they shrink away, precisely because they know they're being mean. Yes, there are mean kids out there, getting away with because of this "gobbledygook."

+100. But I would say a little more, along the lines of what a PP said. "She's fine, and your question is rude. I hope you'll be more polite the next time we see you. Please leave now." They won't mess with you again once they know you won't let them get away with that crap. I'm really sorry, OP. Some people are just born mean and have fun with it.

I think this is the best response yet, and the one I would have liked to have heard when I was growing up.

Signed,

An adult with a major muscular-skeletal congenital defect

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
How about this reply:

"Nothing is wrong with her. Why are you so rude?"

Well because it's a lie. OBVIOUSLY something is wrong with her - enough that it attracts attention to the point that kids come over to ask about it and even more that she can't respond to SAY what is wrong with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I like to deflect it back to the child (only the ones asking in a mean way). "why do you ask?" or "why do you want to know?" or "is this something you should be concerned about?". That usually shuts them up pretty quick while I haven't been outwardly mean.

This is a stupid response. They ask and want to know because they're curious, don't understand what they're seeing and trying to understand and make sense of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like to deflect it back to the child (only the ones asking in a mean way). "why do you ask?" or "why do you want to know?" or "is this something you should be concerned about?". That usually shuts them up pretty quick while I haven't been outwardly mean.

This is a stupid response. They ask and want to know because they're curious, don't understand what they're seeing and trying to understand and make sense of it.

Only true sometimes. As the OP says, there is a clear difference between the innocently curious kids and the spiteful alpha brats who are being mocking and unkind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
How about this reply:

"Nothing is wrong with her. Why are you so rude?"

Well because it's a lie. OBVIOUSLY something is wrong with her - enough that it attracts attention to the point that kids come over to ask about it and even more that she can't respond to SAY what is wrong with her.

Wow. Just wow. There is NOTHING -wrong- with a special needs child. No matter what special needs they have. There is something different, maybe, sure. But there is absolutely nothing WRONG with anyone. And therefor the talk should go like this:

Rude Kid: "What's wrong with her?!"
You: "Nothing. Why, does she have a bugger on her face or something?" -pretend to look for non-existent buggers-...or something similar.

The most important thing to teach ignorant people is that there is nothing wrong with not being the same as 'normal' people. Nothing. The faster everyone gets that into their heads, the faster we will all be better off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
How about this reply:

"Nothing is wrong with her. Why are you so rude?"

Well because it's a lie. OBVIOUSLY something is wrong with her - enough that it attracts attention to the point that kids come over to ask about it and even more that she can't respond to SAY what is wrong with her.

Wow. Just wow. There is NOTHING -wrong- with a special needs child. No matter what special needs they have. There is something different, maybe, sure. But there is absolutely nothing WRONG with anyone. And therefor the talk should go like this:

Rude Kid: "What's wrong with her?!"
You: "Nothing. Why, does she have a bugger on her face or something?" -pretend to look for non-existent buggers-...or something similar.

The most important thing to teach ignorant people is that there is nothing wrong with not being the same as 'normal' people. Nothing. The faster everyone gets that into their heads, the faster we will all be better off.

As a child who grew up with an obvious disability, I don't know what was more painful and embarrassing: The fact that kids and adults asked what was "wrong" with me or my mother trying to teach them that "nothing was wrong" with me when it was obvious to everyone that could see that there was.

Boy, does this thread bring back painful memories.

[Anonymous]

PP^ What would be a good response?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kids (and adults) notice people who are different. Adults know (or should know) not to 1) stare and 2) ask rude questions about why the person is different. Kids really don't have 1) a good filter and 2) experience asking questions like this politely. So, give them the benefit of the doubt. They are asking about your DD because she appears different and they want to know why. It would be nice if they could ask politely for this information or just wonder in silence but they are kids. My son is 9 and will whisper to me when he sees someone who has visible special needs. I've taught him not to say anything out loud because it isn't polite. I guess you are going to have to just teach your DD how to answer questions or how to deflect them. If someone asks what is wrong with her, she can either say, "There is nothing wrong with me. I have a disorder that makes me ___________. My name's Mary. What's your name?" Or she can come up with something else.

This is a good response but defending and making interactions confrontational even if the kid is being obnoxious makes it a whole lot worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like to deflect it back to the child (only the ones asking in a mean way). "why do you ask?" or "why do you want to know?" or "is this something you should be concerned about?". That usually shuts them up pretty quick while I haven't been outwardly mean.

This is a stupid response. They ask and want to know because they're curious, don't understand what they're seeing and trying to understand and make sense of it.

Only true sometimes. As the OP says, there is a clear difference between the innocently curious kids and the spiteful alpha brats who are being mocking and unkind.

Yes, do YOU know when your own child asks you a question that he doesn't really want an answer to? I mean, I see threads on DCUM all the time from moms whose kids say things like "Why is your stomach so fat?" Are you telling me you just sit down with your kid and gently provide information about the effects of pregnancy and middle aged bloat? Give me a break. Beyond a certain age you don't put up with that crap.

[Anonymous]

I don't know how easy it is to distinguish between genuinely curious questions and ones that are intended to be mean. I guess I also wonder how many 7yos are really mean in that fashion - I have kids a bit older and a bit younger and I don't see that (but they're boys, so maybe it's different.) They can be awfully obtuse though.

I also think this question is a tough one for adults to navigate, which is why there's another SN thread right now about how to approach a SN mom at the pool. I'll say as someone who dealt with an obvious physical disability on a short-term (6 month) basis recently due to a medical condition, adults were all across the board on this. And in general, I was less offended by the blunt questions from strangers at the supermarket than by the fact that my next-door neighbors, whose house is 16 feet from mine and saw me practically daily, never once said gee, what happened, how are you doing?

Point is, before you yell at some 7yos, try to remember that most are generally well-meaning, even if they express themselves awkwardly. Same is true for adults too.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Most kids are well meaning. That's a given. This is not an indictment of all children or every child at the pool yesterday or a message that no child should be allowed to ask me or my daughter questions or approach us. Good grief. I asked how to handle mean kids. Thanks to those who gave me food for thought. I have no intention of bellowing at kids who approach us and will continue to be delighted when they do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well the thing is you are trying to protect your DD. but, you can't. What you can do instead is offer solace. I am always honest with my DD who has suffered through some of what you describe.

If, well when, kids are being mean or rude I've always told my DD if she keeps watching them, they will do something mean and rude to someone else. Takes the onus off of my child and puts it on the rude one. I also tell her people look at people who are different, it's stupid but it's reality and there's little anyone can do to change it. So don't take it personally, just be the best person God put you on this earth to be.

I like this approach because it is so true and honest.

The mean kids are mean to lots of people if you watch them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know how easy it is to distinguish between genuinely curious questions and ones that are intended to be mean. I guess I also wonder how many 7yos are really mean in that fashion - I have kids a bit older and a bit younger and I don't see that (but they're boys, so maybe it's different.) They can be awfully obtuse though.

I also think this question is a tough one for adults to navigate, which is why there's another SN thread right now about how to approach a SN mom at the pool. I'll say as someone who dealt with an obvious physical disability on a short-term (6 month) basis recently due to a medical condition, adults were all across the board on this. And in general, I was less offended by the blunt questions from strangers at the supermarket than by the fact that my next-door neighbors, whose house is 16 feet from mine and saw me practically daily, never once said gee, what happened, how are you doing?

Point is, before you yell at some 7yos, try to remember that most are generally well-meaning, even if they express themselves awkwardly. Same is true for adults too.

I know you mean well, but experiencing a short-term physical disability for 6 months is just not the same as living with something permanent for years and years. It gets wearying to deal with others, even those who are well-intentioned, for so long, with no prospect of it ever going away. I used to have a positive attitude too about others' approaching me when I was a little girl - that's how I was taught to be, little Miss Sunshine - but now in my middle age I have much less patience with questions because I'm tired of people feeling they have a need or right to know about my body.

Also, I trust this mother can tell the difference between pure curiosity and kids who are being cruel.