I can't do this to my kid anymore

[Anonymous]

I can't pretend anymore that the mean, rude questions kids ask about her (as if she's not even there) are some sort of gateway to friendship for her. It's dishonest, both kids know it's not building friendship, and it doesn't defend and protect my daughter.

I'm talking about mean kids coming up to us at the pool and asking rude and confrontational questions about her condition, obviously without the intent of friendship.

Kid: What is wrong with her? (sneer on face)
Me: Her name is Larla! What's your name?
Kid: unsure (Larlo) Why is she so small?
Me: Just because! Do you like to swim?
Kid dashes away

Meanwhile, my kid is hanging her head in shame. I just can't take this anymore. My husband thinks I should tell the kids to go f*&^ themselves. I don't want to do that. But I really think this is not protective of my daughter and she knows damn well these kids are not coming in friendship and to try to pretend this is some sort of friendly encounter does her a disservice.

Does anyone have a strategy about this?

[Anonymous]

Gosh, this sounds tough, OP. I am sorry you're dealing with this. I don't have personal experience with this, but one thing that came to mind is that kids have lots of respect for groups. If she is busy with friends, maybe fewer other kids would come around asking questions? How old is she?

[Anonymous]

Just say "nothing" She is just perfect to me.

[Anonymous]

How old are they?

Students in my son's elementary school develop politeness and understanding starting in second grade. The school is inclusive, and it has a variety of mild to medium special needs students, including autistic and Down syndrome.

Children said that to/about my son when he was a preschooler. Some were curious, some were critical, but at that age it was developmental appropriate, so I didn't mind at all.

[Anonymous]

I agree with your DH. I would have a hard time holding my tongue. At the very least i would totally ignore and I would certainly give them the stink eye. They know full well what they are doing.

Sorry you and your DC have to deal with this.

[Anonymous]

She is 7 and I would cry tears of joy if she could hang with a group of friends.

[Anonymous]

I just answer and say what's wrong with him, and then acknowledge "While he can't ______, he can _______ and ______," making sure the things I'm saying he can do are regular boy things.

I think you should have a very serious talk with your DD about whether or not she wants to try you (or she) sharing what IS wrong. Kids want to understand what doesn't make sense. Different is scary.

[Anonymous]

Big hug to you and your daughter op. I get comments from other kids too and it's so hard being the mom in these situations. No advice, just commiserating. I agree though, those kids do need to go f$&k themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just answer and say what's wrong with him, and then acknowledge "While he can't ______, he can _______ and ______," making sure the things I'm saying he can do are regular boy things.

I think you should have a very serious talk with your DD about whether or not she wants to try you (or she) sharing what IS wrong. Kids want to understand what doesn't make sense. Different is scary.

OP here. I don't have any problem answering kids' queries that are obviously about trying to get information and understanding and knowledge of her condition. That's not really the feeling that I'm trying to convey here, however. Kids who ask questions not for information,but to be mean, I just can't handle anymore.

[Anonymous]

I'm with your dh. Tell those little brats to bug off. You could give your daughter some good comebacks to use as she gets older.

Rude kid: What's wrong with her?
You: Nothing, what's wrong with you?
You: That's a rude thing to say. Go away.
You: That's none of your business. Stop being nosy.

I don't buy the "developmentally appropriate" argument. They aren't 3. Teach your daughter that she doesn't have to be a doormat because she is different. No one gets friends by begging for them.

[Anonymous]

The pool really is the worst. A couple times I have figured out who the mom is, and let her know what's happening. But the worst is the kids actively making fun of my son, using the R word, and pointing and laughing. Usually it's kids under 10. The teens ignore him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with your DH. I would have a hard time holding my tongue. At the very least i would totally ignore and I would certainly give them the stink eye. They know full well what they are doing.

Sorry you and your DC have to deal with this.

+1. I'm a rarity in my DC neighborhood./ demographic. I am unpleasant and scolding to other people's kids when they're bad. I don't pretend that all children up to the age of 16 have innocent intentions and just therefore need sweet supportive morally relative gobbledygook words.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is 7 and I would cry tears of joy if she could hang with a group of friends.

Hugs, OP. My DD is only 4 so I am sure your DD would be bored hanging out with her, otherwise I'd ask which pool so we could meet you there!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just answer and say what's wrong with him, and then acknowledge "While he can't ______, he can _______ and ______," making sure the things I'm saying he can do are regular boy things.

I think you should have a very serious talk with your DD about whether or not she wants to try you (or she) sharing what IS wrong. Kids want to understand what doesn't make sense. Different is scary.

OP here. I don't have any problem answering kids' queries that are obviously about trying to get information and understanding and knowledge of her condition. That's not really the feeling that I'm trying to convey here, however. Kids who ask questions not for information,but to be mean, I just can't handle anymore.

I think a lot of kids' questions come across mean because it hides their fear and uncomfortableness of the unknown, what they don't understand.

[Anonymous]

Kids (and adults) notice people who are different. Adults know (or should know) not to 1) stare and 2) ask rude questions about why the person is different. Kids really don't have 1) a good filter and 2) experience asking questions like this politely. So, give them the benefit of the doubt. They are asking about your DD because she appears different and they want to know why. It would be nice if they could ask politely for this information or just wonder in silence but they are kids. My son is 9 and will whisper to me when he sees someone who has visible special needs. I've taught him not to say anything out loud because it isn't polite. I guess you are going to have to just teach your DD how to answer questions or how to deflect them. If someone asks what is wrong with her, she can either say, "There is nothing wrong with me. I have a disorder that makes me ___________. My name's Mary. What's your name?" Or she can come up with something else.