I can't do this to my kid anymore

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with your DH. I would have a hard time holding my tongue. At the very least i would totally ignore and I would certainly give them the stink eye. They know full well what they are doing.

Sorry you and your DC have to deal with this.

+1. I'm a rarity in my DC neighborhood./ demographic. I am unpleasant and scolding to other people's kids when they're bad. I don't pretend that all children up to the age of 16 have innocent intentions and just therefore need sweet supportive morally relative gobbledygook words.

I'm with you. My kid is only 5 and knows better. He knows that he is expected to be polite. We were recently at our neighborhood pool and there was a teen with an obvious developmental disability who was making loud, Tourette's like noises. My son came to me and said why is that kid making that noise? And I said his brain is a little different than yours and he can't control it anymore than you can control that you have brown eyes, and he seems like a nice boy just like you. He shrugged, accepted that, ran off and continued to play. If he ever said something rude out loud or made fun of that kid - or anybody - he knows he would have hell to pay from mama. Some kids are just brats whose parents haven't taught them how to be compassionate and respectful. I'm sorry, OP. If you were at my pool I'd make it a point to say hello to you and your daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would scold them nicely. You look to be older than "x" and should know that isn't a nice comment. We are members at this pool and my daughter loves coming here. I hope next time we run into you, you will be more polite.

I think this is a good answer.

Wow - this is great! Perfect answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Both my kids are NT. OP, I don't think that kids are as mean spirited as you think, and many don't even notice other kids may have special needs until 8 or 9. It sounds like the kids approaching you have poor manners but probably aren't malicious. I'd try to formulate a response that isn't rude frankly but that still shuts down the questions. Personally, I wouldn't want to teach my child that obnoxious behavior should be met with more obnoxious behavior, especially when the exchange is between a child and an adult.

I think your experience strictly as NT parent is different than those of us with SN kids.

Right, that's why I'm offering a different perspective. But clearly it isn't wanted.

What you should be focused on rather than the SN family's reactions is educating your kids about differences of all kinds and how NOT to be obnoxious. No one's child -- your NT dears included -- should be walking over and asking these sorts of questions. No more than they would ask a fat person why they are fat, right? You should be there as their parent to intervene at the very least and not leaving the SN family to worry about responding or how they respond.

This is the same defensiveness I'm talking about. My kids wouldn't do what OP is complaining about -- but they would ask me in private. But I've seen plenty of kids be mean and generally they don't do it by asking an adult a question, but by taunting and teasing when no adults are around. What we're talking about are kids without an appropriate conversation filter. I wouldn't respond to them by acting like another obnoxious kid -- that isn't teaching anyone a lesson other than how to be obnoxious. One response could be, "It's not polite to ask about someone else's appearance." (would apply to the "small" example OP gave or the fat adult example you like). Another is to just say, "some kids are born smaller than others" or "some adults are bigger than others" and then move on.

[Anonymous]

OP here. PP, the sweet, friendly 'some kids are small' answers are exactly what I am saying I can't do to my kid anymore. She KNOWS these kids are being mean. I can't stand there and chatter away like a fool about some kids are small in response. It's not fair to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. PP, the sweet, friendly 'some kids are small' answers are exactly what I am saying I can't do to my kid anymore. She KNOWS these kids are being mean. I can't stand there and chatter away like a fool about some kids are small in response. It's not fair to her.

I'm not sure I see sticking with the short factual answer as "sweet and friendly" but I understand that I may not understand the situation fully. But I do think when parents engage in mean and nasty, even if started by a child, that teaches kids that is appropriate or even desirable behavior. Most times calm and firm beats mean and nasty and teaches everyone the right lesson. So maybe the "it's not polite" language gets you there with language you're more comfortable with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm kind of stumped... My daughter is young so I haven't dealt with this a lot yet

Maybe something like "Do you enjoy being mean? Did you come over here to make her cry?"

Kid answers no (or yes if they are a real little shit)

"Well, you're not the one in the wheelchair so what do you care? Why don't you just go enjoy your life? Get lost."

I am really nice to kids I think are just confused but if I think they are mean I won't play nice.

I appreciate this but my kid in a wheelchair enjoys life too, a lot, all the time. I would like to get away from this notion that life with a special needs child and for the SN child is constant doom and gloom and burden and despair and catastrophe. There's an outpouring of discontent on this forum because that's what it's for. Just as there's an outpouring of sleep and behavior and food problems on General Parenting. But that doesn't mean that life with babies and toddlers is all problems and that doesn't mean life with my kid is all despair.

Sorry, I didnt mean to imply a person in a wheelchair doesn't enjoy life. My kid has a different disability and it drives me nuts when people say those with her disability "suffer" from it. I just meant pointing out to them that they don't have the disability so why worry about it and go on their merry way. I see now I phrased it clumsily.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm kind of stumped... My daughter is young so I haven't dealt with this a lot yet

Maybe something like "Do you enjoy being mean? Did you come over here to make her cry?"

Kid answers no (or yes if they are a real little shit)

"Well, you're not the one in the wheelchair so what do you care? Why don't you just go enjoy your life? Get lost."

I am really nice to kids I think are just confused but if I think they are mean I won't play nice.

I appreciate this but my kid in a wheelchair enjoys life too, a lot, all the time. I would like to get away from this notion that life with a special needs child and for the SN child is constant doom and gloom and burden and despair and catastrophe. There's an outpouring of discontent on this forum because that's what it's for. Just as there's an outpouring of sleep and behavior and food problems on General Parenting. But that doesn't mean that life with babies and toddlers is all problems and that doesn't mean life with my kid is all despair.

Sorry, I didnt mean to imply a person in a wheelchair doesn't enjoy life. My kid has a different disability and it drives me nuts when people say those with her disability "suffer" from it. I just meant pointing out to them that they don't have the disability so why worry about it and go on their merry way. I see now I phrased it clumsily.

I hate the terms "suffering" and "affliction" applied to disabilities too. No worries.

[Anonymous]

Hi:

I have a non-verbal teen. Sadly, this sort of thing has happened to us many times, several times at the pool. What I say to kids like these is this:

(Sweetly) "Is your mom or dad here? Why don't you call them over here? We (my daughter and I) should meet them."

(Kid usually looks shamed, mumbles something....)

"What was that?"

"Next time, you should only ask questions if you want to make friends."

(Only once has a kid come back with his parent. The parent was very embarrassed, but we worked through it together.)

[Anonymous]

Here is what I would say. Please keep in mind that I don't like kids and have no trouble telling other people's poorly behaved kids to shut it and shape up.

Kid: What's wrong with her? (Sneer)
Me: Well last summer at the pool, she was mean to another child...much like you are being mean right now. 2 days after school started - Poof! Let your mom know she can call me anytime to talk after this happens to you.

[Anonymous]

Clearly, you do not have a kid with special needs. If you did, you would understand that this type of remark does nothing to help make the world a better place for our kids. This is ultimately the goal of those of us who have kids with special needs--to help promote more understanding and friendships, not less.

[Anonymous]

14:24... love that response!!

[Anonymous]

14:24...brilliant! Thank you for sharing this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi:

I have a non-verbal teen. Sadly, this sort of thing has happened to us many times, several times at the pool. What I say to kids like these is this:

(Sweetly) "Is your mom or dad here? Why don't you call them over here? We (my daughter and I) should meet them."

(Kid usually looks shamed, mumbles something....)

"What was that?"

"Next time, you should only ask questions if you want to make friends."

(Only once has a kid come back with his parent. The parent was very embarrassed, but we worked through it together.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here is what I would say. Please keep in mind that I don't like kids and have no trouble telling other people's poorly behaved kids to shut it and shape up.

Kid: What's wrong with her? (Sneer)
Me: Well last summer at the pool, she was mean to another child...much like you are being mean right now. 2 days after school started - Poof! Let your mom know she can call me anytime to talk after this happens to you.

Explaining disability as punishment? That would be a terrible thing to suggest to the mean kids, and an even worse thing to say to OP's dd.

[Anonymous]

Use this as an opportunity to educate them. Maybe they have just never seen a kid with Downs, Turners, etc syndrome.

"She was just born with an extra (or damaged, whatever the case is) chromosome." and smile