I can't do this to my kid anymore

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would scold them nicely. You look to be older than "x" and should know that isn't a nice comment. We are members at this pool and my daughter loves coming here. I hope next time we run into you, you will be more polite.

I agree with this 100%! I also understand the OP's point that there is a difference between unkind, critical questions and the child who is curious and doesn't phrase questions in the best way. I'm a special education teacher and a parent...and I've seen both. It's pretty obvious.

[Anonymous]

If she is small for her age and doesnt hang well w 7 year old friends, could you try to cultivate friendships with 4 or 5 year old girls? My DDs are older now but I would have been happy to have playdates at the pool then!

[Anonymous]

OP, I just have NT kids, and totally support you telling the mean kids to F* off (though without the actual F word). I'm not gonna lie, my 5yo has mean thoughts about a SN kid at her school (like "I don't like the way he looks"). I have tried, and tried, and tried to get her to change that perspective. I swear. I think she just doesn't get it. But she FOR DAMN SURE gets that if she ever said or did anything mean to him, she would be in a very unpleasant world at home.
So, I'm just saying, even at the 5yo stage, a kid should know better than that. And if anyone treated my kid like that, I would go mama bear on them in a way that they would not soon forget.
Also, if it were my kid doing something mean (which I don't think would ever happen), I would really want to know about it. I'd be mortified, but I'd want to know about it.

[Anonymous]

PP again: How about "Oh, she has a physical disorder. What's wrong with you that you don't know how to talk to people?"

[Anonymous]

"

Oh, she has a physical disorder.

You are recommending that someone use this terminology in front of their own SN kid? I can tell that you:

(a) don't have a special-needs kid
(b) haven't read through this whole thread

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"

Oh, she has a physical disorder.

You are recommending that someone use this terminology in front of their own SN kid? I can tell that you:

(a) don't have a special-needs kid
(b) haven't read through this whole thread

You're right on (a) and not on (b). But I am happy to be educated, so please tell me why this is a bad thing to say. (I really mean that sincerely, not snarkily.) I would think the kid already knows s/he has something, so it's not like the parent wants to hide it from him/her. I suppose one could name the condition, but it seems like that's not necessary and isn't deserved by the rude asking kid. Is it the word "disorder" that's not good to use? What's the better term? "Condition"? And I take it from the rest of the thread that it's more than physical, but I don't think the rude kid deserves a complete answer.
I figured answering in front of the kid wasn't a problem, because a friend whose kid has muscular dystrophy handles other kids' questions that way. But maybe that's not for everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"

Oh, she has a physical disorder.

You are recommending that someone use this terminology in front of their own SN kid? I can tell that you:

(a) don't have a special-needs kid
(b) haven't read through this whole thread

You're right on (a) and not on (b). But I am happy to be educated, so please tell me why this is a bad thing to say. (I really mean that sincerely, not snarkily.) I would think the kid already knows s/he has something, so it's not like the parent wants to hide it from him/her. I suppose one could name the condition, but it seems like that's not necessary and isn't deserved by the rude asking kid. Is it the word "disorder" that's not good to use? What's the better term? "Condition"? And I take it from the rest of the thread that it's more than physical, but I don't think the rude kid deserves a complete answer.
I figured answering in front of the kid wasn't a problem, because a friend whose kid has muscular dystrophy handles other kids' questions that way. But maybe that's not for everyone.

Not PP, but how would you feel if anytime you were out in public, at the park or the grocery store, someone asked what was "wrong" with you? I bet you would be ashamed, embarrassed, and sick of the whole question. You'd be tired that other people felt that they deserved an explanation of the condition of your body and the way you live your life. The use of words like "disordered" or "disease" or "disability" would make you feel worse, because it focuses on what you can't do, instead of what you can do. It focuses on a flaw, rather than the whole package.

My child has an ASD. He stims in public. It is noticeable. He isn't harming anyone and we have a right to go out in public without being subject to intrusive questions from your kids. I never use the word "disorder" with my kid. I use the word "difference." He also has a high IQ, a nearly photographic memory, and extraordinary math skills. He taught himself to read (both decoding and comprehension) when he was 2. I won't call your child "disordered" because your child had to be taught to read and do math, so I don't appreciate you calling my child disordered because he has to be taught social skills.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I appreciate your helpfulness especially as this thread has really gotten long! My opinion is it seems to me that you are trying to make an analogy like "A physical disorder is what is wrong with HER, now what is wrong with YOU." I guess my feeling with that is that I wouldn't embarrass my child that way...I wouldn't take her physical condition and turn it into some sort of battle cry. She's a sensitive child and I feel that she's entitled to privacy and dignity. Referring to her as having a "physical disorder" also makes me feel uncomfortable...I don't think of her in those terms. She's disabled but she's very healthy, stunningly beautiful and extremely happy. I hate it when people think of our life as sad, worthy of pity, or "disordered."

Also, I don't think I would say to a kid, even a mean kid, what's wrong with you? It's just too confrontational and it doesn't let the child know specifically what the problem is with meanness.

I llike the suggestions to say simply "That's a mean girl question" or words to that effect. I think this is helpful.

You know what, I haven't had this problem in the last several weeks and maybe there has been a DCUM effect?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"

Oh, she has a physical disorder.

You are recommending that someone use this terminology in front of their own SN kid? I can tell that you:

(a) don't have a special-needs kid
(b) haven't read through this whole thread

You're right on (a) and not on (b). But I am happy to be educated, so please tell me why this is a bad thing to say. (I really mean that sincerely, not snarkily.) I would think the kid already knows s/he has something, so it's not like the parent wants to hide it from him/her. I suppose one could name the condition, but it seems like that's not necessary and isn't deserved by the rude asking kid. Is it the word "disorder" that's not good to use? What's the better term? "Condition"? And I take it from the rest of the thread that it's more than physical, but I don't think the rude kid deserves a complete answer.
I figured answering in front of the kid wasn't a problem, because a friend whose kid has muscular dystrophy handles other kids' questions that way. But maybe that's not for everyone.

Not PP, but how would you feel if anytime you were out in public, at the park or the grocery store, someone asked what was "wrong" with you? I bet you would be ashamed, embarrassed, and sick of the whole question. You'd be tired that other people felt that they deserved an explanation of the condition of your body and the way you live your life. The use of words like "disordered" or "disease" or "disability" would make you feel worse, because it focuses on what you can't do, instead of what you can do. It focuses on a flaw, rather than the whole package.

My child has an ASD. He stims in public. It is noticeable. He isn't harming anyone and we have a right to go out in public without being subject to intrusive questions from your kids. I never use the word "disorder" with my kid. I use the word "difference." He also has a high IQ, a nearly photographic memory, and extraordinary math skills. He taught himself to read (both decoding and comprehension) when he was 2. I won't call your child "disordered" because your child had to be taught to read and do math, so I don't appreciate you calling my child disordered because he has to be taught social skills.

PP you're responding to here: you don't have to be argumentative with me. I sincerely was asking. I get it. I would never, in a million years, call anyone else's kid "disordered". I have referred to myself as having a disorder, because it's true and I'm ok with it. But I am all for respecting what other people want to call themselves and their kids. So, it sounds like that word was what was "wrong" with what I said. For what it's worth, I see a big difference between having a specific disorder and "being" disordered. I have a physical disorder. But I'm not "disordered", if that makes any sense. But now I know that's a hurtful term -- good to know!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I appreciate your helpfulness especially as this thread has really gotten long! My opinion is it seems to me that you are trying to make an analogy like "A physical disorder is what is wrong with HER, now what is wrong with YOU." I guess my feeling with that is that I wouldn't embarrass my child that way...I wouldn't take her physical condition and turn it into some sort of battle cry. She's a sensitive child and I feel that she's entitled to privacy and dignity. Referring to her as having a "physical disorder" also makes me feel uncomfortable...I don't think of her in those terms. She's disabled but she's very healthy, stunningly beautiful and extremely happy. I hate it when people think of our life as sad, worthy of pity, or "disordered."

Also, I don't think I would say to a kid, even a mean kid, what's wrong with you? It's just too confrontational and it doesn't let the child know specifically what the problem is with meanness.

I llike the suggestions to say simply "That's a mean girl question" or words to that effect. I think this is helpful.

You know what, I haven't had this problem in the last several weeks and maybe there has been a DCUM effect?

Hi OP -- glad you've had a better week! Thanks for educating me re the "disorder" term. I posted above, so you can see my naivetee about that term, but now I know! I am meaner than you are, because I would totally say "what's wrong with you" to the mean kid. Respect to you for being kinder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"

Oh, she has a physical disorder.

You are recommending that someone use this terminology in front of their own SN kid? I can tell that you:

(a) don't have a special-needs kid
(b) haven't read through this whole thread

You're right on (a) and not on (b). But I am happy to be educated, so please tell me why this is a bad thing to say. (I really mean that sincerely, not snarkily.) I would think the kid already knows s/he has something, so it's not like the parent wants to hide it from him/her. I suppose one could name the condition, but it seems like that's not necessary and isn't deserved by the rude asking kid. Is it the word "disorder" that's not good to use? What's the better term? "Condition"? And I take it from the rest of the thread that it's more than physical, but I don't think the rude kid deserves a complete answer.
I figured answering in front of the kid wasn't a problem, because a friend whose kid has muscular dystrophy handles other kids' questions that way. But maybe that's not for everyone.

Not PP, but how would you feel if anytime you were out in public, at the park or the grocery store, someone asked what was "wrong" with you? I bet you would be ashamed, embarrassed, and sick of the whole question. You'd be tired that other people felt that they deserved an explanation of the condition of your body and the way you live your life. The use of words like "disordered" or "disease" or "disability" would make you feel worse, because it focuses on what you can't do, instead of what you can do. It focuses on a flaw, rather than the whole package.

My child has an ASD. He stims in public. It is noticeable. He isn't harming anyone and we have a right to go out in public without being subject to intrusive questions from your kids. I never use the word "disorder" with my kid. I use the word "difference." He also has a high IQ, a nearly photographic memory, and extraordinary math skills. He taught himself to read (both decoding and comprehension) when he was 2. I won't call your child "disordered" because your child had to be taught to read and do math, so I don't appreciate you calling my child disordered because he has to be taught social skills.

PP you're responding to here: you don't have to be argumentative with me. I sincerely was asking. I get it. I would never, in a million years, call anyone else's kid "disordered". I have referred to myself as having a disorder, because it's true and I'm ok with it. But I am all for respecting what other people want to call themselves and their kids. So, it sounds like that word was what was "wrong" with what I said. For what it's worth, I see a big difference between having a specific disorder and "being" disordered. I have a physical disorder. But I'm not "disordered", if that makes any sense. But now I know that's a hurtful term -- good to know!

You're the grown up version of that kid. You just wandered into a conversation between SN parents about how to handle the question and demanded an explanation for why the SN parents don't like the question or your answer. You don't have anything to add and you're demanding that we explain our lives and conduct to you. You're being rude. Why don't you head back to General Parenting?

[Anonymous]

16:13, you are being unreasonable about the pp. She is not the grown up version of mean kids at the pool, op has been very clear that she can tell the difference between kids who ask sincerely but with the "wrong" language (like pp) and kids who are trying to be mean. If you don't want parents of non-SN kids to "wander in" then ask Jeff to take the SN forum out of Recent Topics.

[Anonymous]

Oh, she has a physical disorder.


You are recommending that someone use this terminology in front of their own SN kid? I can tell that you:

(a) don't have a special-needs kid
(b) haven't read through this whole thread


You're right on (a) and not on (b).

15:57 here. I still can't help but be surprised that someone who read this entire thread, including the damaged chromosome/Julie Andrews interchange, would still make your suggestion. It should have been clear that those of us with special-needs kids don't feel like we need to repeat to every passerby (and, in this case, kids who are intentionally being mean) the nature of our child's condition. As OP pointed out, it hurts our children to make constant reference to it, and it hurts us, too. And yes, this happens constantly, hence the name of this thread.

When my daughter was small, I used to feel like I owed the whole world an explanation as to how she looked, and why she did (or couldn't do) certain things. Now I see that I did not, and do not, owe people this. She is who she is, and I do not have to explain her to anyone. She has as much right to be herself, just the way she is, as anyone else does. If people stare, or are made uncomfortable by her, it's their problem, not mine.

If people are kind, and show curiosity or concern in a non-judgmental way, I am happy to answer their questions. It's easy to tell when people, especially kids, are being this way. But, in this case, these children were trying to make fun. They did not deserve an explanation.

So, no. It's not the word "disorder" that bugs me--at least, not this time. It's your suggestion that an explanation was owed.

[Anonymous]

Bravo PP. You rock.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Oh, she has a physical disorder.


You are recommending that someone use this terminology in front of their own SN kid? I can tell that you:

(a) don't have a special-needs kid
(b) haven't read through this whole thread


You're right on (a) and not on (b).

15:57 here. I still can't help but be surprised that someone who read this entire thread, including the damaged chromosome/Julie Andrews interchange, would still make your suggestion. It should have been clear that those of us with special-needs kids don't feel like we need to repeat to every passerby (and, in this case, kids who are intentionally being mean) the nature of our child's condition. As OP pointed out, it hurts our children to make constant reference to it, and it hurts us, too. And yes, this happens constantly, hence the name of this thread.

When my daughter was small, I used to feel like I owed the whole world an explanation as to how she looked, and why she did (or couldn't do) certain things. Now I see that I did not, and do not, owe people this. She is who she is, and I do not have to explain her to anyone. She has as much right to be herself, just the way she is, as anyone else does. If people stare, or are made uncomfortable by her, it's their problem, not mine.

If people are kind, and show curiosity or concern in a non-judgmental way, I am happy to answer their questions. It's easy to tell when people, especially kids, are being this way. But, in this case, these children were trying to make fun. They did not deserve an explanation.

So, no. It's not the word "disorder" that bugs me--at least, not this time. It's your suggestion that an explanation was owed.

Other than your judgments about me, I agree with you entirely. And, like I said, I am happy to be educated.

You misunderstood me, then. I definitely wasn't suggesting that any explanation was owed. I don't think an explanation was owed. At all. I think the kid was being mean (because I'm a mom ,and I know when someone's being mean to my kid, and I'm sure OP does too).
I am on SN sometimes because one of my kids has a VERY mild SN (ADD/Anxiety combo, and I was looking for something related to that, nothing nearly as tough as what OP has been dealing with from other kids). I said I have NT kids because I'm not in the same boat at all, and didn't want to seem like I was saying that I can understand fully OP's experience. I plainly can't.
I only suggested giving a super generic explanation IF the OP thought that was helpful. I couldn't care less if she tells the kid to F off (which I also wrote, but guess you didn't read). I support OP in however she wishes to handle a situation that is totally unfair, unkind, and just shouldn't happen.
Also, if you knew me IRL, you would know i would never, in a million years, ask anything of anyone about their kid in any way other than just either compliments or value-neutral harmless stuff. Would never make a kid feel bad (well, unless they were mean like the one OP encountered).