I can't do this to my kid anymore

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"

Oh, she has a physical disorder.

You are recommending that someone use this terminology in front of their own SN kid? I can tell that you:

(a) don't have a special-needs kid
(b) haven't read through this whole thread

You're right on (a) and not on (b). But I am happy to be educated, so please tell me why this is a bad thing to say. (I really mean that sincerely, not snarkily.) I would think the kid already knows s/he has something, so it's not like the parent wants to hide it from him/her. I suppose one could name the condition, but it seems like that's not necessary and isn't deserved by the rude asking kid. Is it the word "disorder" that's not good to use? What's the better term? "Condition"? And I take it from the rest of the thread that it's more than physical, but I don't think the rude kid deserves a complete answer.
I figured answering in front of the kid wasn't a problem, because a friend whose kid has muscular dystrophy handles other kids' questions that way. But maybe that's not for everyone.

Not PP, but how would you feel if anytime you were out in public, at the park or the grocery store, someone asked what was "wrong" with you? I bet you would be ashamed, embarrassed, and sick of the whole question. You'd be tired that other people felt that they deserved an explanation of the condition of your body and the way you live your life. The use of words like "disordered" or "disease" or "disability" would make you feel worse, because it focuses on what you can't do, instead of what you can do. It focuses on a flaw, rather than the whole package.

My child has an ASD. He stims in public. It is noticeable. He isn't harming anyone and we have a right to go out in public without being subject to intrusive questions from your kids. I never use the word "disorder" with my kid. I use the word "difference." He also has a high IQ, a nearly photographic memory, and extraordinary math skills. He taught himself to read (both decoding and comprehension) when he was 2. I won't call your child "disordered" because your child had to be taught to read and do math, so I don't appreciate you calling my child disordered because he has to be taught social skills.

PP you're responding to here: you don't have to be argumentative with me. I sincerely was asking. I get it. I would never, in a million years, call anyone else's kid "disordered". I have referred to myself as having a disorder, because it's true and I'm ok with it. But I am all for respecting what other people want to call themselves and their kids. So, it sounds like that word was what was "wrong" with what I said. For what it's worth, I see a big difference between having a specific disorder and "being" disordered. I have a physical disorder. But I'm not "disordered", if that makes any sense. But now I know that's a hurtful term -- good to know!

You're the grown up version of that kid. You just wandered into a conversation between SN parents about how to handle the question and demanded an explanation for why the SN parents don't like the question or your answer. You don't have anything to add and you're demanding that we explain our lives and conduct to you. You're being rude. Why don't you head back to General Parenting?

No, I'm not. That's just silly. I would never be mean or hurtful to a kid. Certainly not a kid who was doing nothing other than just being him/herself. I didn't just wander in. But even if I had, that still wouldn't make me "mean". I didn't "demand" an explanation. Someone told me what I said was bad (which I now understand it was, and am glad to have learned that), and I asked why. No one owed me an explanation, but it seemed like they were willing to give one, so I wanted to understand better. Where did I demand that anyone explain their lives to me? Of course not.
It's kind of a shame that a person can't ask a question in sincerity *when the topic has been introduced* without being assumed to be the kind of person who would torment an innocent child. That's pretty bizarre. For what it's worth, I would honestly do anything that the OP wanted in that situation, and if I saw a kid being mean to her kid, I'd be grabbing the parents and telling them to get their shit together and teach their kid some decency.
I totally cop to not knowing everything about this situation, and for getting stuff wrong. But I honestly want to get it right, and I think most people do. If you're going to vilify people who approach the situation in good faith but aren't perfect, that's going to be a lonely road.
Anyway, I learned something, so that's good. And then I had someone get mad at me, which isn't. But it's cool. And I hope you don't experience the meanness that OP's kid did. I hope no one does. I hope you understand that even those of us who don't totally "get" it are still good people who respect SN kids, their parents, and know that all kids are awesome in their own ways.