Jewish life in an interfaith marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It has been very difficult to raise culturally Jewish but religiously Christian children amidst Jewish cousins. The cousins don't see Christianity as equal or even valid. They act as though Christian beliefs and practices are a big joke. My younger DD has celebrated with all of her cousins when they reached b'nai mitzvah age, but not a single one attended her First Communion. She was very hurt.

This has been my experience too. We are expected to attend and celebrate bar mitzvahs, but no one from DH's family attended our kids' baptisms, First Communions, or Confirmations. It was and is indescribably hurtful and has forever marred my relationships with my ILs.

I understand that Jews have suffered centuries of persecution. I am not personally responsible for that, however, and from where I sit, the reality and importance of present-day family ties trump historically-based grievances. It is shocking to me that my ILs refuse to get that.

I do not think you are responsible for centuries of persecution. I am just trying to explain the gut responses some Jews have to christian ritual. Sometimes things seem less hurtful if you understand them. What should trump what for whom is not for me to say. But I do think its sometimes difficult for gentiles/whites/men/straights/physicallyable to understand the things that bug jews/peopleofcolor/gays/disabled people. When one is a majority, privileged or not, one tends to look at things from a certain POV (and oh yes, that includes the way jews by birth sometimes look at jews by choice or interfaith couples trying to establish a jewish home)

PP here. I understand them. You think I don't because I am part of the Christian majority, but I do.

I think it is rude and hurtful for my Jewish ILs for forgo all (ALL) of my kids' religious milestones because of the history of persecution their people have suffered and their own gut responses to Christian rituals. People, particularly family, and their feelings trump historic grievances as a matter of fact, IMO. One can both view and feel things a certain way, and make the choice to override those views/feelings in order to express love and acceptance. Forgoing this choice, particularly where children are involved, is hurtful.

I understand, but neither accept nor forgive my ILs' choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It has been very difficult to raise culturally Jewish but religiously Christian children amidst Jewish cousins. The cousins don't see Christianity as equal or even valid. They act as though Christian beliefs and practices are a big joke. My younger DD has celebrated with all of her cousins when they reached b'nai mitzvah age, but not a single one attended her First Communion. She was very hurt.

This has been my experience too. We are expected to attend and celebrate bar mitzvahs, but no one from DH's family attended our kids' baptisms, First Communions, or Confirmations. It was and is indescribably hurtful and has forever marred my relationships with my ILs.

I understand that Jews have suffered centuries of persecution. I am not personally responsible for that, however, and from where I sit, the reality and importance of present-day family ties trump historically-based grievances. It is shocking to me that my ILs refuse to get that.

I do not think you are responsible for centuries of persecution. I am just trying to explain the gut responses some Jews have to christian ritual. Sometimes things seem less hurtful if you understand them. What should trump what for whom is not for me to say. But I do think its sometimes difficult for gentiles/whites/men/straights/physicallyable to understand the things that bug jews/peopleofcolor/gays/disabled people. When one is a majority, privileged or not, one tends to look at things from a certain POV (and oh yes, that includes the way jews by birth sometimes look at jews by choice or interfaith couples trying to establish a jewish home)

PP here. I understand them. You think I don't because I am part of the Christian majority, but I do.

I think it is rude and hurtful for my Jewish ILs for forgo all (ALL) of my kids' religious milestones because of the history of persecution their people have suffered and their own gut responses to Christian rituals. People, particularly family, and their feelings trump historic grievances as a matter of fact, IMO. One can both view and feel things a certain way, and make the choice to override those views/feelings in order to express love and acceptance. Forgoing this choice, particularly where children are involved, is hurtful.

I understand, but neither accept nor forgive my ILs' choices.

This is what I think is happening. You won't like what I'm going to write, but I've seen it happen. Your in-laws do not like the fact that their son married someone who isn't Jewish. Any Christian ritual means nothing to your in-laws, and it probably disgusts them that their own grandchildren are Christian and not Jewish. Unfortunately, what they don't see is that their actions are ruining their relationships with their own grandchildren. The intermarriage is a fait accompli, and they should just suck up the fact that their son intermarried and now tow the line. There is nothing they can do about it. They obviously did not emphasize the importance of Jews marrying Jews and now they are suffering the consequences and taking it out on their grandchildren.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It has been very difficult to raise culturally Jewish but religiously Christian children amidst Jewish cousins. The cousins don't see Christianity as equal or even valid. They act as though Christian beliefs and practices are a big joke. My younger DD has celebrated with all of her cousins when they reached b'nai mitzvah age, but not a single one attended her First Communion. She was very hurt.

This has been my experience too. We are expected to attend and celebrate bar mitzvahs, but no one from DH's family attended our kids' baptisms, First Communions, or Confirmations. It was and is indescribably hurtful and has forever marred my relationships with my ILs.

I understand that Jews have suffered centuries of persecution. I am not personally responsible for that, however, and from where I sit, the reality and importance of present-day family ties trump historically-based grievances. It is shocking to me that my ILs refuse to get that.

I do not think you are responsible for centuries of persecution. I am just trying to explain the gut responses some Jews have to christian ritual. Sometimes things seem less hurtful if you understand them. What should trump what for whom is not for me to say. But I do think its sometimes difficult for gentiles/whites/men/straights/physicallyable to understand the things that bug jews/peopleofcolor/gays/disabled people. When one is a majority, privileged or not, one tends to look at things from a certain POV (and oh yes, that includes the way jews by birth sometimes look at jews by choice or interfaith couples trying to establish a jewish home)

PP here. I understand them. You think I don't because I am part of the Christian majority, but I do.

I think it is rude and hurtful for my Jewish ILs for forgo all (ALL) of my kids' religious milestones because of the history of persecution their people have suffered and their own gut responses to Christian rituals. People, particularly family, and their feelings trump historic grievances as a matter of fact, IMO. One can both view and feel things a certain way, and make the choice to override those views/feelings in order to express love and acceptance. Forgoing this choice, particularly where children are involved, is hurtful.

I understand, but neither accept nor forgive my ILs' choices.

NP here. Sounds like you should be posting in the family relationships forum, not the religion forum. I don't really think your experience is typical, at least not based on my own interfaith marriage and the many interfaith families we know at our reform temple. Actually my marriage is not technically interfaith, as my DH converted, but obviously his family didn't. My DH's family is out of town and we have still made it to every baptism, communion, and confirmation. (I would do that for any close friend or family member who experienced a milestone of any kid, if I were honored with an invitation.) We spend every Christmas with DH's family and fully participate in their traditions, except going to church, but not all of them even go so it's not an issue. I make latkes for Christmas eve and they love it MANY of my son's classmates at his Jewish preschool also celebrate Christmas with their extended families, and like us, they seem to embrace the santa/stockings/candy cane aspects of the holiday.

The flip side is that my DH's family has been extremely respectful, interested, and supportive of our Jewish occasions as well. We've had Passover Seders that had more Christians than Jews at the table. There have been moments when things have gotten a little awkward, like my MIL genuinely not understanding why we don't get a Christmas tree at our house, but overall it's been really nice.

Bottom line, how do you even know if their non-attendance at your kids' communions has to do with Judaism at all? There are a million reasons why families do things that offend each other, don't show up for each other, etc. And if it is based in religion, perhaps somethign in your approach to "cultural Judaism" has rubbed them the wrong way? Has anyone ever even asked them about this? If my brother or sister simply declined to attend a big event for my child, we would absolutely be having a frank discussion about why!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It has been very difficult to raise culturally Jewish but religiously Christian children amidst Jewish cousins. The cousins don't see Christianity as equal or even valid. They act as though Christian beliefs and practices are a big joke. My younger DD has celebrated with all of her cousins when they reached b'nai mitzvah age, but not a single one attended her First Communion. She was very hurt.

This has been my experience too. We are expected to attend and celebrate bar mitzvahs, but no one from DH's family attended our kids' baptisms, First Communions, or Confirmations. It was and is indescribably hurtful and has forever marred my relationships with my ILs.

I understand that Jews have suffered centuries of persecution. I am not personally responsible for that, however, and from where I sit, the reality and importance of present-day family ties trump historically-based grievances. It is shocking to me that my ILs refuse to get that.

I do not think you are responsible for centuries of persecution. I am just trying to explain the gut responses some Jews have to christian ritual. Sometimes things seem less hurtful if you understand them. What should trump what for whom is not for me to say. But I do think its sometimes difficult for gentiles/whites/men/straights/physicallyable to understand the things that bug jews/peopleofcolor/gays/disabled people. When one is a majority, privileged or not, one tends to look at things from a certain POV (and oh yes, that includes the way jews by birth sometimes look at jews by choice or interfaith couples trying to establish a jewish home)

PP here. I understand them. You think I don't because I am part of the Christian majority, but I do.

I think it is rude and hurtful for my Jewish ILs for forgo all (ALL) of my kids' religious milestones because of the history of persecution their people have suffered and their own gut responses to Christian rituals. People, particularly family, and their feelings trump historic grievances as a matter of fact, IMO. One can both view and feel things a certain way, and make the choice to override those views/feelings in order to express love and acceptance. Forgoing this choice, particularly where children are involved, is hurtful.

I understand, but neither accept nor forgive my ILs' choices.

This is what I think is happening. You won't like what I'm going to write, but I've seen it happen. Your in-laws do not like the fact that their son married someone who isn't Jewish. Any Christian ritual means nothing to your in-laws, and it probably disgusts them that their own grandchildren are Christian and not Jewish. Unfortunately, what they don't see is that their actions are ruining their relationships with their own grandchildren. The intermarriage is a fait accompli, and they should just suck up the fact that their son intermarried and now tow the line. There is nothing they can do about it. They obviously did not emphasize the importance of Jews marrying Jews and now they are suffering the consequences and taking it out on their grandchildren.

PP here. I think you are right. It disgusts me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It has been very difficult to raise culturally Jewish but religiously Christian children amidst Jewish cousins. The cousins don't see Christianity as equal or even valid. They act as though Christian beliefs and practices are a big joke. My younger DD has celebrated with all of her cousins when they reached b'nai mitzvah age, but not a single one attended her First Communion. She was very hurt.

This has been my experience too. We are expected to attend and celebrate bar mitzvahs, but no one from DH's family attended our kids' baptisms, First Communions, or Confirmations. It was and is indescribably hurtful and has forever marred my relationships with my ILs.

I understand that Jews have suffered centuries of persecution. I am not personally responsible for that, however, and from where I sit, the reality and importance of present-day family ties trump historically-based grievances. It is shocking to me that my ILs refuse to get that.

I do not think you are responsible for centuries of persecution. I am just trying to explain the gut responses some Jews have to christian ritual. Sometimes things seem less hurtful if you understand them. What should trump what for whom is not for me to say. But I do think its sometimes difficult for gentiles/whites/men/straights/physicallyable to understand the things that bug jews/peopleofcolor/gays/disabled people. When one is a majority, privileged or not, one tends to look at things from a certain POV (and oh yes, that includes the way jews by birth sometimes look at jews by choice or interfaith couples trying to establish a jewish home)

PP here. I understand them. You think I don't because I am part of the Christian majority, but I do.

I think it is rude and hurtful for my Jewish ILs for forgo all (ALL) of my kids' religious milestones because of the history of persecution their people have suffered and their own gut responses to Christian rituals. People, particularly family, and their feelings trump historic grievances as a matter of fact, IMO. One can both view and feel things a certain way, and make the choice to override those views/feelings in order to express love and acceptance. Forgoing this choice, particularly where children are involved, is hurtful.

I understand, but neither accept nor forgive my ILs' choices.

NP here. Sounds like you should be posting in the family relationships forum, not the religion forum. I don't really think your experience is typical, at least not based on my own interfaith marriage and the many interfaith families we know at our reform temple. Actually my marriage is not technically interfaith, as my DH converted, but obviously his family didn't. My DH's family is out of town and we have still made it to every baptism, communion, and confirmation. (I would do that for any close friend or family member who experienced a milestone of any kid, if I were honored with an invitation.) We spend every Christmas with DH's family and fully participate in their traditions, except going to church, but not all of them even go so it's not an issue. I make latkes for Christmas eve and they love it MANY of my son's classmates at his Jewish preschool also celebrate Christmas with their extended families, and like us, they seem to embrace the santa/stockings/candy cane aspects of the holiday.

The flip side is that my DH's family has been extremely respectful, interested, and supportive of our Jewish occasions as well. We've had Passover Seders that had more Christians than Jews at the table. There have been moments when things have gotten a little awkward, like my MIL genuinely not understanding why we don't get a Christmas tree at our house, but overall it's been really nice.

Bottom line, how do you even know if their non-attendance at your kids' communions has to do with Judaism at all? There are a million reasons why families do things that offend each other, don't show up for each other, etc. And if it is based in religion, perhaps somethign in your approach to "cultural Judaism" has rubbed them the wrong way? Has anyone ever even asked them about this? If my brother or sister simply declined to attend a big event for my child, we would absolutely be having a frank discussion about why!

PP here. Thank you for this. You are probably right about the family forum.

Their non-attendance has everything to do with the kids being Christian and not Jewish - I know this because MIL has told DH so. They live 20 minutes away from us. They could be at everything if they wished. My younger son had a difficult birth and time in the NICU and so when he was eventually healthy enough to be baptized and around people, we celebrated his good health and our good fortune by having a catered baptism party at our house after the baptism itself. We invited the ILs and told them they could skip the church part and just come to the party if they wished. MIL told DH that she wouldn't have "anything to do with it."

We don't have any approach to "cultural Judaism" whatsoever (I think you are confusing me with another PP) so that could not have rubbed them the wrong way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It has been very difficult to raise culturally Jewish but religiously Christian children amidst Jewish cousins. The cousins don't see Christianity as equal or even valid. They act as though Christian beliefs and practices are a big joke. My younger DD has celebrated with all of her cousins when they reached b'nai mitzvah age, but not a single one attended her First Communion. She was very hurt.

This has been my experience too. We are expected to attend and celebrate bar mitzvahs, but no one from DH's family attended our kids' baptisms, First Communions, or Confirmations. It was and is indescribably hurtful and has forever marred my relationships with my ILs.

I understand that Jews have suffered centuries of persecution. I am not personally responsible for that, however, and from where I sit, the reality and importance of present-day family ties trump historically-based grievances. It is shocking to me that my ILs refuse to get that.

I do not think you are responsible for centuries of persecution. I am just trying to explain the gut responses some Jews have to christian ritual. Sometimes things seem less hurtful if you understand them. What should trump what for whom is not for me to say. But I do think its sometimes difficult for gentiles/whites/men/straights/physicallyable to understand the things that bug jews/peopleofcolor/gays/disabled people. When one is a majority, privileged or not, one tends to look at things from a certain POV (and oh yes, that includes the way jews by birth sometimes look at jews by choice or interfaith couples trying to establish a jewish home)

PP here. I understand them. You think I don't because I am part of the Christian majority, but I do.

I think it is rude and hurtful for my Jewish ILs for forgo all (ALL) of my kids' religious milestones because of the history of persecution their people have suffered and their own gut responses to Christian rituals. People, particularly family, and their feelings trump historic grievances as a matter of fact, IMO. One can both view and feel things a certain way, and make the choice to override those views/feelings in order to express love and acceptance. Forgoing this choice, particularly where children are involved, is hurtful.

I understand, but neither accept nor forgive my ILs' choices.

This is what I think is happening. You won't like what I'm going to write, but I've seen it happen. Your in-laws do not like the fact that their son married someone who isn't Jewish. Any Christian ritual means nothing to your in-laws, and it probably disgusts them that their own grandchildren are Christian and not Jewish. Unfortunately, what they don't see is that their actions are ruining their relationships with their own grandchildren. The intermarriage is a fait accompli, and they should just suck up the fact that their son intermarried and now tow the line. There is nothing they can do about it. They obviously did not emphasize the importance of Jews marrying Jews and now they are suffering the consequences and taking it out on their grandchildren.

PP here. I think you are right. It disgusts me.

So be it. There's nothing you can do about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
This is what I think is happening. You won't like what I'm going to write, but I've seen it happen. Your in-laws do not like the fact that their son married someone who isn't Jewish. Any Christian ritual means nothing to your in-laws, and it probably disgusts them that their own grandchildren are Christian and not Jewish. Unfortunately, what they don't see is that their actions are ruining their relationships with their own grandchildren. The intermarriage is a fait accompli, and they should just suck up the fact that their son intermarried and now tow the line. There is nothing they can do about it. They obviously did not emphasize the importance of Jews marrying Jews and now they are suffering the consequences and taking it out on their grandchildren.

I am the Jew calling for understanding. Its getting confusing cause there are two different posters and their stories here - I was responding to someone whom I thought had issues with BIL/SIL, not parents in law. That adds a whole range of other issues.

On the one hand I personally believe that the best way to keep your grand kids Jewish is to raise your KIDS in a deeply, joyously Jewish home (not just by sending THEM to hebrew school, but by ones own demonstrated commitment to jewish religious observance, spirituality, and learning) rather than by trying to coerce them as adults.

But I also understand there are Jews, mostly of the cultural variety, who think that their cultural, tribal jewishness can be passed on without their own religious commitment, and are shocked when that does not work out.


SOmeone in one of the threads may be rude. I see rudeness all the time, from people driving in ways that endanger others, to affluent people who disdain the poor. Frankly I can't get too excited about someone's personal family rudeness issues. I am less concerned about that, than with A. Encouraging Jews to see the problems with Judaism lite that leads to situations like this B. encouraging all people to see how majority membership and other forms of privilege blinds them from seeing others' perspectives. I do not know the PPs and they can insist they understand everything and are complete victims, but that does not accord with my own experience of interpersonal conflicts - there is almost always another side.

[Anonymous]

AnonymousTheir non-attendance has everything to do with the kids being Christian and not Jewish - I know this because MIL has told DH so. .[/quote wrote:

You did not mention that earlier, but said, IIRC, that your situation was just like another poster - a poster who said they did NOT know what was going on, which is why I speculated. Seems like a failure of communication here. Im not saying that is your problem with your ML.

There are jewish people out there would be okay with their kids marrying a (unconverted) non-Jew, as long as their grand kids are Jewish. That used to be considered a pretty tolerant position. We have come quite a way when we are expected to be happy that our grandchildren are christians, and to celebrate the fact. I think you may not understand what having jewish descendants means to people.

Perhaps you would have been happier had your MIL just said kaddish for your DH when he married you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

AnonymousTheir non-attendance has everything to do with the kids being Christian and not Jewish - I know this because MIL has told DH so. .[/quote wrote:

You did not mention that earlier, but said, IIRC, that your situation was just like another poster - a poster who said they did NOT know what was going on, which is why I speculated. Seems like a failure of communication here. Im not saying that is your problem with your ML.

There are jewish people out there would be okay with their kids marrying a (unconverted) non-Jew, as long as their grand kids are Jewish. That used to be considered a pretty tolerant position. We have come quite a way when we are expected to be happy that our grandchildren are christians, and to celebrate the fact. I think you may not understand what having jewish descendants means to people.

Perhaps you would have been happier had your MIL just said kaddish for your DH when he married you.

There's no need to be mean to the PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

AnonymousTheir non-attendance has everything to do with the kids being Christian and not Jewish - I know this because MIL has told DH so. .[/quote wrote:

You did not mention that earlier, but said, IIRC, that your situation was just like another poster - a poster who said they did NOT know what was going on, which is why I speculated. Seems like a failure of communication here. Im not saying that is your problem with your ML.

There are jewish people out there would be okay with their kids marrying a (unconverted) non-Jew, as long as their grand kids are Jewish. That used to be considered a pretty tolerant position. We have come quite a way when we are expected to be happy that our grandchildren are christians, and to celebrate the fact. I think you may not understand what having jewish descendants means to people.

Perhaps you would have been happier had your MIL just said kaddish for your DH when he married you.

I do understand what it means. Do you think that onlyl Jews can possibly understand? Because that is what you are suggesting when you insist that I "may not understand."

Where you and I disagree is whether the unkind/hurtful response to the situation is justified. IMO it is not.

Your comment about kaddish is just rude. Do you think the only acceptable responses by a Jewish grandparent to a situation like ours is (a) hurtful and sometimes hostile refusal to participate; or (b) saying kaddish?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

AnonymousTheir non-attendance has everything to do with the kids being Christian and not Jewish - I know this because MIL has told DH so. .[/quote wrote:

You did not mention that earlier, but said, IIRC, that your situation was just like another poster - a poster who said they did NOT know what was going on, which is why I speculated. Seems like a failure of communication here. Im not saying that is your problem with your ML.

There are jewish people out there would be okay with their kids marrying a (unconverted) non-Jew, as long as their grand kids are Jewish. That used to be considered a pretty tolerant position. We have come quite a way when we are expected to be happy that our grandchildren are christians, and to celebrate the fact. I think you may not understand what having jewish descendants means to people.

Perhaps you would have been happier had your MIL just said kaddish for your DH when he married you.

There's no need to be mean to the PP.

PP here, agree that is a super-mean comment. Kind of like how MIL behaves.

[Anonymous]

There are jewish people out there would be okay with their kids marrying a (unconverted) non-Jew, as long as their grand kids are Jewish. That used to be considered a pretty tolerant position. We have come quite a way when we are expected to be happy that our grandchildren are christians, and to celebrate the fact.

No one on this thread has suggested this. No one.

Celebrate =/= respect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

AnonymousTheir non-attendance has everything to do with the kids being Christian and not Jewish - I know this because MIL has told DH so. .[/quote wrote:

You did not mention that earlier, but said, IIRC, that your situation was just like another poster - a poster who said they did NOT know what was going on, which is why I speculated. Seems like a failure of communication here. Im not saying that is your problem with your ML.

There are jewish people out there would be okay with their kids marrying a (unconverted) non-Jew, as long as their grand kids are Jewish. That used to be considered a pretty tolerant position. We have come quite a way when we are expected to be happy that our grandchildren are christians, and to celebrate the fact. I think you may not understand what having jewish descendants means to people.

Perhaps you would have been happier had your MIL just said kaddish for your DH when he married you.

I do understand what it means. Do you think that onlyl Jews can possibly understand? Because that is what you are suggesting when you insist that I "may not understand."

Where you and I disagree is whether the unkind/hurtful response to the situation is justified. IMO it is not.

Your comment about kaddish is just rude. Do you think the only acceptable responses by a Jewish grandparent to a situation like ours is (a) hurtful and sometimes hostile refusal to participate; or (b) saying kaddish?

There are clearly many other ways. But I think maybe if someone like the PPs MIL is so pained by what happened, a complete cutoff old style might be the best, for all. Reminding PP that that WAS the old way might also help her see how traumatic this has been, and how much her MIL may have compromised already (I dont know here MIL - maybe her MIL isn't that old fashioned and this comes from left field, but I kinda doubt that)

PP has lots of anger at her MIL, is inviting strangers to judge her MIL, and people are calling her MIL rude, inconsiderate, etc. Someone who is NOT in a position to respond.

If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

AnonymousTheir non-attendance has everything to do with the kids being Christian and not Jewish - I know this because MIL has told DH so. .[/quote wrote:

You did not mention that earlier, but said, IIRC, that your situation was just like another poster - a poster who said they did NOT know what was going on, which is why I speculated. Seems like a failure of communication here. Im not saying that is your problem with your ML.

There are jewish people out there would be okay with their kids marrying a (unconverted) non-Jew, as long as their grand kids are Jewish. That used to be considered a pretty tolerant position. We have come quite a way when we are expected to be happy that our grandchildren are christians, and to celebrate the fact. I think you may not understand what having jewish descendants means to people.

Perhaps you would have been happier had your MIL just said kaddish for your DH when he married you.

I do understand what it means. Do you think that onlyl Jews can possibly understand? Because that is what you are suggesting when you insist that I "may not understand."

Where you and I disagree is whether the unkind/hurtful response to the situation is justified. IMO it is not.

Your comment about kaddish is just rude. Do you think the only acceptable responses by a Jewish grandparent to a situation like ours is (a) hurtful and sometimes hostile refusal to participate; or (b) saying kaddish?

There are clearly many other ways. But I think maybe if someone like the PPs MIL is so pained by what happened, a complete cutoff old style might be the best, for all. Reminding PP that that WAS the old way might also help her see how traumatic this has been, and how much her MIL may have compromised already (I dont know here MIL - maybe her MIL isn't that old fashioned and this comes from left field, but I kinda doubt that)

PP has lots of anger at her MIL, is inviting strangers to judge her MIL, and people are calling her MIL rude, inconsiderate, etc. Someone who is NOT in a position to respond.

If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.

This is, unfortunately, is the reality of what happens many times when Jews intermarry, be it right or wrong. It sucks for EVERYONE involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

There are jewish people out there would be okay with their kids marrying a (unconverted) non-Jew, as long as their grand kids are Jewish. That used to be considered a pretty tolerant position. We have come quite a way when we are expected to be happy that our grandchildren are christians, and to celebrate the fact.

No one on this thread has suggested this. No one.

Celebrate =/= respect.

Attending a celebration is not celebrating? A first communion is not a celebration of someone entering adult membership in the church? Is it just a party?

I have not been in that position myself, having married another Jew, but had I married a non Jewish woman, and had her parents not wanted to attend a Bar/Bat Mitzvah for their grandchildren because they did not want to celebrate being called to the torah - because of their relationship the torah (more likely with atheists say than with christians) I would like to think I would have understood. But then we never know how we will respond to we are tested.

What will PP do if and when her grandchildren become muslims, or Wiccans, or members of the church of Satan? is it possible there will be rituals she will be unwilling to attend?

Maybe not, as biological descent plays a different role in christianity. Or maybe so. I don't know.
I dont think the PP will know till she crosses that bridge.