Regret Marrying Someone with Kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stepmom here with kids who live cross country. Don't regret your marriage based off of the kids. Your husband needs to parent the kids his way in your home and not allow the behaviors. Its hard when he hasn't been allowed to be hands on but he needs to step up with mom in terms of visitation schedule and such. I don't think the two sets of kids should be treated the same. They are two different sets of parents and grandparents. Everything is not always going to be equal. Too bad they share a room - they are only there every other weekend. It would be different if they were there full-time but if you cannot afford a bigger house, then they share. Its ok kids share rooms. It is only a few more years... it goes by quicker than you realize. It seemed like forever till my husband's kids turned 18... oh, the joy of child support ending as well as his ex's terror. Things are much better for us with all that stress gone. Do your best, treat them well (its ok not to love them in the same way you love your kids) and hang in there.

Thanks for this. How often do you see the kids now? Does your husband feel like he has a good relationship with them? And do you have kids together?

Adult who is also a stepdaughter of a SM who also wishes she had never been in the picture here. If you are going to follow the above advice (and trust me, they already know that life is unfair) then you need to, at the same time, establish a relationship with them that is still loving, supportive and I would argue independent of your DH. As to the issues of family vacations - I would argue that the right thing to do is to ask the teens if they wish to come. I suspect 99% of the time the won't be interested in visiting your family, but it will go a long, long, long way to making them feel welcomed and loved. If you have to pay to bring them out once or twice, do so.

Honestly, I believe you need to actually be more, not less, aggressive (not sure if that's the right word for it) in establishing a relationship with them. The more you keep them at arms length, the more defensive they will be and the less influence you actually will have over their behavior.

As a kid when I spent time with my Dad's family, including SM and Half sister (10 years younger), I would creep into her closet at night and look her clothes and all her shoes and toys, keeping lists in my mind. I was always on the lookout for ways in which she was loved more than me -- and they were very easy to find in my case.

If SM had ever reached out to me and invited me to be part of her family or asked me to the movies just me and her, I would have MELTED right then and there.

Kids just want to be loved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"My side of the family is in a better financial position than their mom's family and they notice the nicer gifts/clothes that my kids sometimes get or when my parents take just the four of us on vacations. They give stepkids gifts for Christmas when we're all together but beyond that do not invite them to family events/trips. "


This is part of the problem. You and your family do not regard these children as part of your family. you have to accept that they became part of YOUR family when you married their father. As long as you have an US vs Them attitude, they will sense it and not feel included, loved or accepted. They had no control over their parents age when they were born. They had no control over your marrying their father. They had no control move moving across the country. Embrace them and tell your family to do so too, and then you will see a difference.

My Uncle married a divorced woman with 3 children and then they had one child themselves. We did NOT exclude her children from gifts, vacations or anything else. When their mother married our Uncle they became part of our family together. You are doing harm to them by not including them.

I don't think this is realistic as far as travel is concerned. First, two extra plane tickets and an extra hotel room is quite costly. Second, most of my extended family has not my stepkids and it is logical for us to travel to see my relatives or travel with my parents when the stepkids are with their mom or on the alternating holidays.

As far as gifts are concerned, they will see biokids open birthday presents and I can't help that. Other times, my parents bought my kids a play kitchen or other large gift that they didn't witness being opened/delivered but noticed when they came the next time. Since my kids are younger the entire basement is a playroom with their stuff. Older kids have their video game system and that's it. Most of their things are portable and go back and forth - tablet, ipod, etc. They don't resent them and do really like them.

As far as acting like a family - it was tough to do that only 2-3 times a year before and now that they're here, it has been a big adjustment because of the different parenting rules, me being shut out when I try to provide input, and the fact that I work full time and chase two toddlers the rest of the time. The best I've been able to do is have DH spend time exclusively with them and handle the younger two on my own. Now that the weather is better and younger kids are not sick every other day from daycare, we can go to the pool or parks, etc. I think it will take time as you can't force a family and bonding 4 days a month but the dynamic is such that I'm not optimistic that much will change. DH's level of involvement and input is a huge barrier and why it feels like babysitting.

If the whole family can't afford to go, then the whole family stays home. DO not treat your step children like second class citizens. Your family doesn't treat them like family, because they are taking YOUR lead and YOU do not treat them like family. I agree that it is tough to do IF you are only seeing them 2-3 times a year, but things have changed and you have to change with them. Now you have time to make them part of your family.

You seem to find excuses for everything.

+1

And I'm a stepmom of 2 teens who live with their mom plus have a toddler with my husband, their dad. Yes "extra" plane tickets/hotel rooms are expensive. But really, they're not extra--they are your husband's children. And I say this as someone who is dreading the cost of 5 round trip tickets to Hawaii to visit my parents, because it would absolutely devastate my husband's children to be left behind. So it ain't happening--they will be coming with us even if we have to wait and save up even longer. You knew he had children when you married him: suck it up! Sorry your husband didn't continue being the deadbeat dad you thought he was going to be. Thank goodness his mom is looking out for them.

I disagree. A teen wouldn't be interested in visiting his/her stepmom's relatives. Why would they? (Now if OP's relatives live in Hawaii, then I see why a teen would want to go, but more likely then not, OP's family prob. lives in a non-touristy U.S. state.) And I agree with a PP that said that it is very expensive to buy 2 extra plane tickets and extra rooms.

Also, in a few years they will be grown up, so just stand your ground with your MIL, and don't let her tell you how to live your life. Your side of the family should be visited also, it makes sense to alternate holidays. One Christmas visiting your family with your DH and your kids, thene the next year spending Christmas with your DH's family (his kids, your kids, his side of the family). I don't think it's cool that some PPs are putting OP down. You should be supportive.

1. Why wouldn't they be interested in visiting the stepmom's relatives? My stepkids like my relatives and enjoy spending time with them and vice versa.
2. I am being supportive of the children, who have gotten/are getting a raw deal. OP barely disguises her selfishness--so no, I will not be supportive of that. I will, however, be supportive by showing her that there is another way to handle this (ie treating the stepchildren like they are part of the family, which, like it or not, they are.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stepmom here with kids who live cross country. Don't regret your marriage based off of the kids. Your husband needs to parent the kids his way in your home and not allow the behaviors. Its hard when he hasn't been allowed to be hands on but he needs to step up with mom in terms of visitation schedule and such. I don't think the two sets of kids should be treated the same. They are two different sets of parents and grandparents. Everything is not always going to be equal. Too bad they share a room - they are only there every other weekend. It would be different if they were there full-time but if you cannot afford a bigger house, then they share. Its ok kids share rooms. It is only a few more years... it goes by quicker than you realize. It seemed like forever till my husband's kids turned 18... oh, the joy of child support ending as well as his ex's terror. Things are much better for us with all that stress gone. Do your best, treat them well (its ok not to love them in the same way you love your kids) and hang in there.

Thanks for this. How often do you see the kids now? Does your husband feel like he has a good relationship with them? And do you have kids together?

Adult who is also a stepdaughter of a SM who also wishes she had never been in the picture here. If you are going to follow the above advice (and trust me, they already know that life is unfair) then you need to, at the same time, establish a relationship with them that is still loving, supportive and I would argue independent of your DH. As to the issues of family vacations - I would argue that the right thing to do is to ask the teens if they wish to come. I suspect 99% of the time the won't be interested in visiting your family, but it will go a long, long, long way to making them feel welcomed and loved. If you have to pay to bring them out once or twice, do so.

Honestly, I believe you need to actually be more, not less, aggressive (not sure if that's the right word for it) in establishing a relationship with them. The more you keep them at arms length, the more defensive they will be and the less influence you actually will have over their behavior.

As a kid when I spent time with my Dad's family, including SM and Half sister (10 years younger), I would creep into her closet at night and look her clothes and all her shoes and toys, keeping lists in my mind. I was always on the lookout for ways in which she was loved more than me -- and they were very easy to find in my case.

If SM had ever reached out to me and invited me to be part of her family or asked me to the movies just me and her, I would have MELTED right then and there.

Kids just want to be loved.

Excellent advice. Sorry for your experience. I always wish stepparents would treat their stepchildren the way they would want their biological children to be treated if they were ever the stepchildren. Because it could happen!

[Anonymous]

If the stepkid's mom was the one with more money and OP's kids had fewer trips or gifts while stepkid's had more, no one would say a thing. Life can't always be equal. Love should be equal but not possessions and trips. If OP's kids have 8 aunts and uncles buying gifts and stepkid's only have 2, that is just reality. What is wrong with going to visit family when stepkids are not around? They may be going on their own trips with their mother and her family. The most important thing is that they are loved by their father (and have a good relationahip with stepmom, but you can't force love). All of this material stuff is trivial.

Dad needs to stand up to biomom. Stepmom needs support and she will likely be more invested whe she feels respected and that she has a role.

All of the people that say suck it up - that is ridiculous! Life is too short. Everyone deserves respect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stepmom here with kids who live cross country. Don't regret your marriage based off of the kids. Your husband needs to parent the kids his way in your home and not allow the behaviors. Its hard when he hasn't been allowed to be hands on but he needs to step up with mom in terms of visitation schedule and such. I don't think the two sets of kids should be treated the same. They are two different sets of parents and grandparents. Everything is not always going to be equal. Too bad they share a room - they are only there every other weekend. It would be different if they were there full-time but if you cannot afford a bigger house, then they share. Its ok kids share rooms. It is only a few more years... it goes by quicker than you realize. It seemed like forever till my husband's kids turned 18... oh, the joy of child support ending as well as his ex's terror. Things are much better for us with all that stress gone. Do your best, treat them well (its ok not to love them in the same way you love your kids) and hang in there.

Thanks for this. How often do you see the kids now? Does your husband feel like he has a good relationship with them? And do you have kids together?

Adult who is also a stepdaughter of a SM who also wishes she had never been in the picture here. If you are going to follow the above advice (and trust me, they already know that life is unfair) then you need to, at the same time, establish a relationship with them that is still loving, supportive and I would argue independent of your DH. As to the issues of family vacations - I would argue that the right thing to do is to ask the teens if they wish to come. I suspect 99% of the time the won't be interested in visiting your family, but it will go a long, long, long way to making them feel welcomed and loved. If you have to pay to bring them out once or twice, do so.

Honestly, I believe you need to actually be more, not less, aggressive (not sure if that's the right word for it) in establishing a relationship with them. The more you keep them at arms length, the more defensive they will be and the less influence you actually will have over their behavior.

As a kid when I spent time with my Dad's family, including SM and Half sister (10 years younger), I would creep into her closet at night and look her clothes and all her shoes and toys, keeping lists in my mind. I was always on the lookout for ways in which she was loved more than me -- and they were very easy to find in my case.

If SM had ever reached out to me and invited me to be part of her family or asked me to the movies just me and her, I would have MELTED right then and there.

Kids just want to be loved.

No you wouldn't have. That is adult hindsight talking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stepmom here with kids who live cross country. Don't regret your marriage based off of the kids. Your husband needs to parent the kids his way in your home and not allow the behaviors. Its hard when he hasn't been allowed to be hands on but he needs to step up with mom in terms of visitation schedule and such. I don't think the two sets of kids should be treated the same. They are two different sets of parents and grandparents. Everything is not always going to be equal. Too bad they share a room - they are only there every other weekend. It would be different if they were there full-time but if you cannot afford a bigger house, then they share. Its ok kids share rooms. It is only a few more years... it goes by quicker than you realize. It seemed like forever till my husband's kids turned 18... oh, the joy of child support ending as well as his ex's terror. Things are much better for us with all that stress gone. Do your best, treat them well (its ok not to love them in the same way you love your kids) and hang in there.

Thanks for this. How often do you see the kids now? Does your husband feel like he has a good relationship with them? And do you have kids together?

Adult who is also a stepdaughter of a SM who also wishes she had never been in the picture here. If you are going to follow the above advice (and trust me, they already know that life is unfair) then you need to, at the same time, establish a relationship with them that is still loving, supportive and I would argue independent of your DH. As to the issues of family vacations - I would argue that the right thing to do is to ask the teens if they wish to come. I suspect 99% of the time the won't be interested in visiting your family, but it will go a long, long, long way to making them feel welcomed and loved. If you have to pay to bring them out once or twice, do so.

Honestly, I believe you need to actually be more, not less, aggressive (not sure if that's the right word for it) in establishing a relationship with them. The more you keep them at arms length, the more defensive they will be and the less influence you actually will have over their behavior.

As a kid when I spent time with my Dad's family, including SM and Half sister (10 years younger), I would creep into her closet at night and look her clothes and all her shoes and toys, keeping lists in my mind. I was always on the lookout for ways in which she was loved more than me -- and they were very easy to find in my case.

If SM had ever reached out to me and invited me to be part of her family or asked me to the movies just me and her, I would have MELTED right then and there.

Kids just want to be loved.

No you wouldn't have. That is adult hindsight talking.

Not true. That pp ready said how She would go in her stepmother's closet to see her clothes etc. she had that level of interest in the woman.
My divorce dad had a girlfriend when I was a teenager who took me to the movies used to come to my moms house occasionally and pick me up she showed a high level of interest in me. They never married(lucky for her), but her interest meant a lot to me.
By the same token, my then teen SD went with DH and I for Christmas at my folks' place.
Granted, he had custody, but she had options for the holiday. It's not about tit for tat fairness, it's about being made to feel included and considered. It's about making it known that good, bad, or indifferent everyone knows that you are ALL family and that everyone is committed to making it work thru the good and the challenges. It's not his kids, your kids, it's everyone's family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stepmom here with kids who live cross country. Don't regret your marriage based off of the kids. Your husband needs to parent the kids his way in your home and not allow the behaviors. Its hard when he hasn't been allowed to be hands on but he needs to step up with mom in terms of visitation schedule and such. I don't think the two sets of kids should be treated the same. They are two different sets of parents and grandparents. Everything is not always going to be equal. Too bad they share a room - they are only there every other weekend. It would be different if they were there full-time but if you cannot afford a bigger house, then they share. Its ok kids share rooms. It is only a few more years... it goes by quicker than you realize. It seemed like forever till my husband's kids turned 18... oh, the joy of child support ending as well as his ex's terror. Things are much better for us with all that stress gone. Do your best, treat them well (its ok not to love them in the same way you love your kids) and hang in there.

Thanks for this. How often do you see the kids now? Does your husband feel like he has a good relationship with them? And do you have kids together?

Adult who is also a stepdaughter of a SM who also wishes she had never been in the picture here. If you are going to follow the above advice (and trust me, they already know that life is unfair) then you need to, at the same time, establish a relationship with them that is still loving, supportive and I would argue independent of your DH. As to the issues of family vacations - I would argue that the right thing to do is to ask the teens if they wish to come. I suspect 99% of the time the won't be interested in visiting your family, but it will go a long, long, long way to making them feel welcomed and loved. If you have to pay to bring them out once or twice, do so.

Honestly, I believe you need to actually be more, not less, aggressive (not sure if that's the right word for it) in establishing a relationship with them. The more you keep them at arms length, the more defensive they will be and the less influence you actually will have over their behavior.

As a kid when I spent time with my Dad's family, including SM and Half sister (10 years younger), I would creep into her closet at night and look her clothes and all her shoes and toys, keeping lists in my mind. I was always on the lookout for ways in which she was loved more than me -- and they were very easy to find in my case.

If SM had ever reached out to me and invited me to be part of her family or asked me to the movies just me and her, I would have MELTED right then and there.

Kids just want to be loved.

No you wouldn't have. That is adult hindsight talking.

Another thing to consider, your dad likely earned more money when your half sister was born/growing up and may have been able to afford to buy her more toys/clothes. That doesn't mean that he loved you less and didn't want to buy you those things when you were young. Usually, by the time of the second marriage, people are earning more and are more established. Did you feel like like got enough love from your dad? If not, was your mom a hindrance to your relationship or did she maturely encourage and support your time with your dad? That also makes a difference. So many exwifes verbally abuse the dads and talk poorly about them to their kids. How can their relationship flourish like that? Meanwhile, the home life with the new wife is an oasis comparatively (if he chose someone more compatible the second time around). It is no wonder that life seems better with the new wife and child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stepmom here with kids who live cross country. Don't regret your marriage based off of the kids. Your husband needs to parent the kids his way in your home and not allow the behaviors. Its hard when he hasn't been allowed to be hands on but he needs to step up with mom in terms of visitation schedule and such. I don't think the two sets of kids should be treated the same. They are two different sets of parents and grandparents. Everything is not always going to be equal. Too bad they share a room - they are only there every other weekend. It would be different if they were there full-time but if you cannot afford a bigger house, then they share. Its ok kids share rooms. It is only a few more years... it goes by quicker than you realize. It seemed like forever till my husband's kids turned 18... oh, the joy of child support ending as well as his ex's terror. Things are much better for us with all that stress gone. Do your best, treat them well (its ok not to love them in the same way you love your kids) and hang in there.

Thanks for this. How often do you see the kids now? Does your husband feel like he has a good relationship with them? And do you have kids together?

Adult who is also a stepdaughter of a SM who also wishes she had never been in the picture here. If you are going to follow the above advice (and trust me, they already know that life is unfair) then you need to, at the same time, establish a relationship with them that is still loving, supportive and I would argue independent of your DH. As to the issues of family vacations - I would argue that the right thing to do is to ask the teens if they wish to come. I suspect 99% of the time the won't be interested in visiting your family, but it will go a long, long, long way to making them feel welcomed and loved. If you have to pay to bring them out once or twice, do so.

Honestly, I believe you need to actually be more, not less, aggressive (not sure if that's the right word for it) in establishing a relationship with them. The more you keep them at arms length, the more defensive they will be and the less influence you actually will have over their behavior.

As a kid when I spent time with my Dad's family, including SM and Half sister (10 years younger), I would creep into her closet at night and look her clothes and all her shoes and toys, keeping lists in my mind. I was always on the lookout for ways in which she was loved more than me -- and they were very easy to find in my case.

If SM had ever reached out to me and invited me to be part of her family or asked me to the movies just me and her, I would have MELTED right then and there.

Kids just want to be loved.

No you wouldn't have. That is adult hindsight talking.

Not true. That pp ready said how She would go in her stepmother's closet to see her clothes etc. she had that level of interest in the woman.
My divorce dad had a girlfriend when I was a teenager who took me to the movies used to come to my moms house occasionally and pick me up she showed a high level of interest in me. They never married(lucky for her), but her interest meant a lot to me.
By the same token, my then teen SD went with DH and I for Christmas at my folks' place.
Granted, he had custody, but she had options for the holiday. It's not about tit for tat fairness, it's about being made to feel included and considered. It's about making it known that good, bad, or indifferent everyone knows that you are ALL family and that everyone is committed to making it work thru the good and the challenges. It's not his kids, your kids, it's everyone's family.

The relationship is completely different when it is a stepparent with a custodial parent. You are together in one household and you build a life together. When stepkids come to visit their noncustodial parent twice a month or twice a year - they are visiting, their home is elsewhere. It is hard to become a family in the same way and the household already has established routines.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stepmom here with kids who live cross country. Don't regret your marriage based off of the kids. Your husband needs to parent the kids his way in your home and not allow the behaviors. Its hard when he hasn't been allowed to be hands on but he needs to step up with mom in terms of visitation schedule and such. I don't think the two sets of kids should be treated the same. They are two different sets of parents and grandparents. Everything is not always going to be equal. Too bad they share a room - they are only there every other weekend. It would be different if they were there full-time but if you cannot afford a bigger house, then they share. Its ok kids share rooms. It is only a few more years... it goes by quicker than you realize. It seemed like forever till my husband's kids turned 18... oh, the joy of child support ending as well as his ex's terror. Things are much better for us with all that stress gone. Do your best, treat them well (its ok not to love them in the same way you love your kids) and hang in there.

Thanks for this. How often do you see the kids now? Does your husband feel like he has a good relationship with them? And do you have kids together?

Adult who is also a stepdaughter of a SM who also wishes she had never been in the picture here. If you are going to follow the above advice (and trust me, they already know that life is unfair) then you need to, at the same time, establish a relationship with them that is still loving, supportive and I would argue independent of your DH. As to the issues of family vacations - I would argue that the right thing to do is to ask the teens if they wish to come. I suspect 99% of the time the won't be interested in visiting your family, but it will go a long, long, long way to making them feel welcomed and loved. If you have to pay to bring them out once or twice, do so.

Honestly, I believe you need to actually be more, not less, aggressive (not sure if that's the right word for it) in establishing a relationship with them. The more you keep them at arms length, the more defensive they will be and the less influence you actually will have over their behavior.

As a kid when I spent time with my Dad's family, including SM and Half sister (10 years younger), I would creep into her closet at night and look her clothes and all her shoes and toys, keeping lists in my mind. I was always on the lookout for ways in which she was loved more than me -- and they were very easy to find in my case.

If SM had ever reached out to me and invited me to be part of her family or asked me to the movies just me and her, I would have MELTED right then and there.

Kids just want to be loved.

No you wouldn't have. That is adult hindsight talking.

Not true. That pp ready said how She would go in her stepmother's closet to see her clothes etc. she had that level of interest in the woman.
My divorce dad had a girlfriend when I was a teenager who took me to the movies used to come to my moms house occasionally and pick me up she showed a high level of interest in me. They never married(lucky for her), but her interest meant a lot to me.
By the same token, my then teen SD went with DH and I for Christmas at my folks' place.
Granted, he had custody, but she had options for the holiday. It's not about tit for tat fairness, it's about being made to feel included and considered. It's about making it known that good, bad, or indifferent everyone knows that you are ALL family and that everyone is committed to making it work thru the good and the challenges. It's not his kids, your kids, it's everyone's family.

The relationship is completely different when it is a stepparent with a custodial parent. You are together in one household and you build a life together. When stepkids come to visit their noncustodial parent twice a month or twice a year - they are visiting, their home is elsewhere. It is hard to become a family in the same way and the household already has established routines.

It is a different configuration, but it is damn sure family. You figure out HOW to make it work.
You Skype, you keep kids things there, you consider their existence even when they are not in your home. You figure out how to foster a healthy and loving relationship web tween siblings. You do what you have to do. Ain't always easy, not always pretty, and it may not fit the life you planned on paper, but it is what is required of you. I am the pp and I speak as a child of divorce and SM.
MY SD is GROWN and MY mom keeps a picture of her in her house in the room she has for my ES aged child. Because she even understands its about building and nurturing relationships, even when it is hard.
Some of you peoe are a pie e of work.

[Anonymous]

fam·i·ly
?fam(?)l?/Submit
noun
1.
a group consisting of parents and children living together in a household.

2.
all the descendants of a common ancestor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stepmom here with kids who live cross country. Don't regret your marriage based off of the kids. Your husband needs to parent the kids his way in your home and not allow the behaviors. Its hard when he hasn't been allowed to be hands on but he needs to step up with mom in terms of visitation schedule and such. I don't think the two sets of kids should be treated the same. They are two different sets of parents and grandparents. Everything is not always going to be equal. Too bad they share a room - they are only there every other weekend. It would be different if they were there full-time but if you cannot afford a bigger house, then they share. Its ok kids share rooms. It is only a few more years... it goes by quicker than you realize. It seemed like forever till my husband's kids turned 18... oh, the joy of child support ending as well as his ex's terror. Things are much better for us with all that stress gone. Do your best, treat them well (its ok not to love them in the same way you love your kids) and hang in there.

Thanks for this. How often do you see the kids now? Does your husband feel like he has a good relationship with them? And do you have kids together?

We never see the kids. Only one will talk to him and it is only for money or to get something from us. That is the youngest who just had a kid. I think it is more the girlfriend than him but either way, we've given up. We sent a bunch of gifts for the baby and didn't get so much as a thank you. He rarely responds to texts and emails. The two older ones refuse to talk to my husband at all. They were like before me. The strange thing is his ex-wife is nice to us now. They email and Facebook occasionally and she texts us when any major event happens here to make sure we are ok. But, its too late for the kids at this point who were told many negative things about their dad. We have one child together. I don't think the kids mind or care. The youngest/girlfriend did come out once when our child was born. The ex will ask about him when she emails. He loves all the kids, but he doesn't have the same attachment to his kids as ours sadly. He has always been hurt over losing his kids.

Its hard but do hang in there. Once the control from mom (i.e. kids ages and child support) end, she has nothing to hold over him/you and your attitude changes and its just different. We waited till child support was done to have a child (partially it took a while too) so it really did not impact them in anyway as it is with you. Do your best to support your husband and care for them. Don't expect or force yourself to love them. Its how you treat them and welcome them into your home that is far more important. Do not feel that you need to do equal. Your husband pays child support to buy things at their mom's home. They are just visitors in your home given the schedule. If they want equal, they need to spend more time. I wouldn't feel bad about things like equal vacations with your family. If you can afford to take them and they want to go, great. They can go with their mom or with their dad's family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:fam·i·ly
?fam(?)l?/Submit
noun
1.
a group consisting of parents and children living together in a household.

2.
all the descendants of a common ancestor.

You are ignorant

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stepmom here with kids who live cross country. Don't regret your marriage based off of the kids. Your husband needs to parent the kids his way in your home and not allow the behaviors. Its hard when he hasn't been allowed to be hands on but he needs to step up with mom in terms of visitation schedule and such. I don't think the two sets of kids should be treated the same. They are two different sets of parents and grandparents. Everything is not always going to be equal. Too bad they share a room - they are only there every other weekend. It would be different if they were there full-time but if you cannot afford a bigger house, then they share. Its ok kids share rooms. It is only a few more years... it goes by quicker than you realize. It seemed like forever till my husband's kids turned 18... oh, the joy of child support ending as well as his ex's terror. Things are much better for us with all that stress gone. Do your best, treat them well (its ok not to love them in the same way you love your kids) and hang in there.

Thanks for this. How often do you see the kids now? Does your husband feel like he has a good relationship with them? And do you have kids together?

We never see the kids. Only one will talk to him and it is only for money or to get something from us. That is the youngest who just had a kid. I think it is more the girlfriend than him but either way, we've given up. We sent a bunch of gifts for the baby and didn't get so much as a thank you. He rarely responds to texts and emails. The two older ones refuse to talk to my husband at all. They were like before me. The strange thing is his ex-wife is nice to us now. They email and Facebook occasionally and she texts us when any major event happens here to make sure we are ok. But, its too late for the kids at this point who were told many negative things about their dad. We have one child together. I don't think the kids mind or care. The youngest/girlfriend did come out once when our child was born. The ex will ask about him when she emails. He loves all the kids, but he doesn't have the same attachment to his kids as ours sadly. He has always been hurt over losing his kids.

Its hard but do hang in there. Once the control from mom (i.e. kids ages and child support) end, she has nothing to hold over him/you and your attitude changes and its just different. We waited till child support was done to have a child (partially it took a while too) so it really did not impact them in anyway as it is with you. Do your best to support your husband and care for them. Don't expect or force yourself to love them. Its how you treat them and welcome them into your home that is far more important. Do not feel that you need to do equal. Your husband pays child support to buy things at their mom's home. They are just visitors in your home given the schedule. If they want equal, they need to spend more time. I wouldn't feel bad about things like equal vacations with your family. If you can afford to take them and they want to go, great. They can go with their mom or with their dad's family.

How is a minor child considered merely a visitor in their parent's home?
You would not want that for YOUR child.
Some of you need not have kids and need to stay farrrrr away from men with kids.
SMDH!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stepmom here with kids who live cross country. Don't regret your marriage based off of the kids. Your husband needs to parent the kids his way in your home and not allow the behaviors. Its hard when he hasn't been allowed to be hands on but he needs to step up with mom in terms of visitation schedule and such. I don't think the two sets of kids should be treated the same. They are two different sets of parents and grandparents. Everything is not always going to be equal. Too bad they share a room - they are only there every other weekend. It would be different if they were there full-time but if you cannot afford a bigger house, then they share. Its ok kids share rooms. It is only a few more years... it goes by quicker than you realize. It seemed like forever till my husband's kids turned 18... oh, the joy of child support ending as well as his ex's terror. Things are much better for us with all that stress gone. Do your best, treat them well (its ok not to love them in the same way you love your kids) and hang in there.

Thanks for this. How often do you see the kids now? Does your husband feel like he has a good relationship with them? And do you have kids together?

We never see the kids. Only one will talk to him and it is only for money or to get something from us. That is the youngest who just had a kid. I think it is more the girlfriend than him but either way, we've given up. We sent a bunch of gifts for the baby and didn't get so much as a thank you. He rarely responds to texts and emails. The two older ones refuse to talk to my husband at all. They were like before me. The strange thing is his ex-wife is nice to us now. They email and Facebook occasionally and she texts us when any major event happens here to make sure we are ok. But, its too late for the kids at this point who were told many negative things about their dad. We have one child together. I don't think the kids mind or care. The youngest/girlfriend did come out once when our child was born. The ex will ask about him when she emails. He loves all the kids, but he doesn't have the same attachment to his kids as ours sadly. He has always been hurt over losing his kids.

Its hard but do hang in there. Once the control from mom (i.e. kids ages and child support) end, she has nothing to hold over him/you and your attitude changes and its just different. We waited till child support was done to have a child (partially it took a while too) so it really did not impact them in anyway as it is with you. Do your best to support your husband and care for them. Don't expect or force yourself to love them. Its how you treat them and welcome them into your home that is far more important. Do not feel that you need to do equal. Your husband pays child support to buy things at their mom's home. They are just visitors in your home given the schedule. If they want equal, they need to spend more time. I wouldn't feel bad about things like equal vacations with your family. If you can afford to take them and they want to go, great. They can go with their mom or with their dad's family.

How is a minor child considered merely a visitor in their parent's home?
You would not want that for YOUR child.
Some of you need not have kids and need to stay farrrrr away from men with kids.
SMDH!!

A child who comes twice a month for 2 nights at a time is a visitor. If a child is living 50/50 or even 60/40 then they are residents of that home. Hence the term "disneyland dad." How the courts gave visitation, dad gets very little time with the kids and even less input. And, for kids who just come 1-2 holidays and a few weeks in the summer, they are absolutely visitors. They can have a room in the house, but they are not full members as their primary residence is with mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stepmom here with kids who live cross country. Don't regret your marriage based off of the kids. Your husband needs to parent the kids his way in your home and not allow the behaviors. Its hard when he hasn't been allowed to be hands on but he needs to step up with mom in terms of visitation schedule and such. I don't think the two sets of kids should be treated the same. They are two different sets of parents and grandparents. Everything is not always going to be equal. Too bad they share a room - they are only there every other weekend. It would be different if they were there full-time but if you cannot afford a bigger house, then they share. Its ok kids share rooms. It is only a few more years... it goes by quicker than you realize. It seemed like forever till my husband's kids turned 18... oh, the joy of child support ending as well as his ex's terror. Things are much better for us with all that stress gone. Do your best, treat them well (its ok not to love them in the same way you love your kids) and hang in there.

Thanks for this. How often do you see the kids now? Does your husband feel like he has a good relationship with them? And do you have kids together?

We never see the kids. Only one will talk to him and it is only for money or to get something from us. That is the youngest who just had a kid. I think it is more the girlfriend than him but either way, we've given up. We sent a bunch of gifts for the baby and didn't get so much as a thank you. He rarely responds to texts and emails. The two older ones refuse to talk to my husband at all. They were like before me. The strange thing is his ex-wife is nice to us now. They email and Facebook occasionally and she texts us when any major event happens here to make sure we are ok. But, its too late for the kids at this point who were told many negative things about their dad. We have one child together. I don't think the kids mind or care. The youngest/girlfriend did come out once when our child was born. The ex will ask about him when she emails. He loves all the kids, but he doesn't have the same attachment to his kids as ours sadly. He has always been hurt over losing his kids.

Its hard but do hang in there. Once the control from mom (i.e. kids ages and child support) end, she has nothing to hold over him/you and your attitude changes and its just different. We waited till child support was done to have a child (partially it took a while too) so it really did not impact them in anyway as it is with you. Do your best to support your husband and care for them. Don't expect or force yourself to love them. Its how you treat them and welcome them into your home that is far more important. Do not feel that you need to do equal. Your husband pays child support to buy things at their mom's home. They are just visitors in your home given the schedule. If they want equal, they need to spend more time. I wouldn't feel bad about things like equal vacations with your family. If you can afford to take them and they want to go, great. They can go with their mom or with their dad's family.

How is a minor child considered merely a visitor in their parent's home?
You would not want that for YOUR child.
Some of you need not have kids and need to stay farrrrr away from men with kids.
SMDH!!

A child who comes twice a month for 2 nights at a time is a visitor. If a child is living 50/50 or even 60/40 then they are residents of that home. Hence the term "disneyland dad." How the courts gave visitation, dad gets very little time with the kids and even less input. And, for kids who just come 1-2 holidays and a few weeks in the summer, they are absolutely visitors. They can have a room in the house, but they are not full members as their primary residence is with mom.

I hope you are a troll, otherwise you are a poor excuse for a mom, step or otherwise.
Last I looked, family was not based on residency. Your attitude is disgusting.