Regret Marrying Someone with Kids

[Anonymous]

Married for 6 years. We have two biokids and DH has two other kids. DH's kids lived across the country and we saw them 2-3 times a year. DH has always had little involvement in parenting decisions because he lived so far away, they were never married and never lived in a home together for longer than a year, and because of his awful relationship with their mom. They come from different cultures and often disagree on things. They recently moved back across the country to our area. Kids come every other weekend. DH still has no input on activities, tv in their room, clothing choices, food choices. When he has tried to make changes or discuss, it ends in fights and threats not to be able to see the kids. My input has been unwelcome as well. On the other hand MIL is very involved and her input is accepted. She also helps pay for a lot of things - directly to their mom. She wants to make sure that their mom doesn't deny access. DH just wants to ride it out the way it is until they turn 18 (4-5 years) when he can just have relationships and make plans with them without the involvement of their mother.

He is not a deadbeat dad - just had these kids at a very young with someone he probably shouldn't have been involved with and rather than fighting with their mom, provides child support, calls them daily and just wants to make sure they know they have a dad who cares.

I feel like we are just babysitting when they come over, not parenting. They play video games and watch tv all day and DH doesn't say anything. They are very picky eaters and it is too late in a way to force them to eat what we put in front of them. I'm concerned that our children will wonder why they have to eat all their beans, do chores or why they can't watch tv for hours. I also read about how some people consider their stepkids as their own and I just don't feel that way because I truly don't have a hand in raising them. I plan activities, bake brownies, ask about school, but it is more like an aunt or family friend. I don't feel comfortable disciplining or enforcing our house rules that other kids have to observe.

I feel like there is a large part of my schedule I don't have control over - their mom sometimes demands for kids to come back early on our weekend, change days, tell us at the last minute about a recital or school event, or if something is needed.

We split the holidays and when they're not with us, I want to travel to visit my family but my MIL makes us feel very guilty about it and wants us to stay and still see the kids on Christmas Eve or Day for example.

MIL also seems to overcompensate with the kids, concerned that they'll be jealous of the attention/intact home that our kids have so she buys them tons of clothes and gifts which spoils them and also at some point will be noticeable to biokids.

My side of the family is in a better financial position than their mom's family and they notice the nicer gifts/clothes that my kids sometimes get or when my parents take just the four of us on vacations. They give stepkids gifts for Christmas when we're all together but beyond that do not invite them to family events/trips.

We bought our current house thinking kids would only come to visit so they have to share a room when they come and they don't like it. We can't afford to move but it is truly cramped when we're all here - 2 bathrooms, no family room, small kitchen.

I'm frustrated that unless DH did something drastic, things will remain this way for at least the next several years and on the other hand torn about pushing him to do more because I don't want their volatile mom to move, keep them from him yet also am not prepared for 50/50 custody.


Yes, I should have thought about this scenario before getting married. Yes, I need to be as supportive as I can to DH, kind and an adult role model to the kids, etc. But if I knew it was going to be like this, I wouldn't have gotten married. Now that we have our own kids though, I would never want my children to have to live the life of a kid with divorced parents. It can truly be awful and hard on the kids and I don't want that to happen to them. I also love DH very much and maybe just have to accept that we will not be a fully blended family. I always want DH to be a part of his kids lives but I feel like my only choice is to focus on my own nuclear family.

I'm sure I will get flamed but just want to hear from those who have been there, done that.

[Anonymous]

Give up on how they are being raise. They are teens and you as the stepmom won't have much influence. Just let them watch tv and video games.

You should not be giving your kids nicer and more presents than they are getting.

I think you do have the right to be firmer about hours, scheduling etc.

[Anonymous]

I am no expert in blended families, but I can say: Alternate holidays with your family and your ILs without guilt. Your MIL doesn't have to see her grandkids every single holiday. Plenty of people don't see their grandkids every holiday, and you're already working within a complicate schedule so she gets to see all four kids when you do have them. She should be grateful, not guilting you.

Do the best you can to have peace at your home when the kids are there. That's what I'd focus on with DH: setting rules for when they are at your house, having them involved in chores and activities, don't let them watch TV all day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Give up on how they are being raise. They are teens and you as the stepmom won't have much influence. Just let them watch tv and video games.

You should not be giving your kids nicer and more presents than they are getting.

I think you do have the right to be firmer about hours, scheduling etc.

We spend an equal amount on gifts for the kids. I can't keep my parents, aunts, cousins, sisters from buying my kids nice toys or designer clothes.

[Anonymous]

1) Nothing is ever quite what you think it will be, one day you will be saying this about the issues you have co-parenting the kids you have together. It is just life

2) Sounds like your DH needs to stop being quite so intimidated by the baby mother...does he have a LEGAL custody agreement? If so, he needs to stop being afraid of having his kids get taken away.

3) You and DH need to discuss exactly how to approach the blending of the family, common rules, expectations

4) Your number 1 goal needs to be that ALL the kids feel loved, appreciated, and part of a family and your actively forging a bond between all the siblings

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am no expert in blended families, but I can say: Alternate holidays with your family and your ILs without guilt. Your MIL doesn't have to see her grandkids every single holiday. Plenty of people don't see their grandkids every holiday, and you're already working within a complicate schedule so she gets to see all four kids when you do have them. She should be grateful, not guilting you.

Do the best you can to have peace at your home when the kids are there. That's what I'd focus on with DH: setting rules for when they are at your house, having them involved in chores and activities, don't let them watch TV all day.

On the two holidays when we went out of town, she went and got the stepkids from their mom for part of the day. She also regularly sees them even when we don't have them - an issue that DH sometimes has a problem with because she and their mother make decisions/plans/purchases without consulting him. He doesn't want to restrict access but doesn't want her to be so chummy with their mom and also leave him out on decisions. Because their mom ends up using that against him in arguments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1) Nothing is ever quite what you think it will be, one day you will be saying this about the issues you have co-parenting the kids you have together. It is just life

2) Sounds like your DH needs to stop being quite so intimidated by the baby mother...does he have a LEGAL custody agreement? If so, he needs to stop being afraid of having his kids get taken away.

3) You and DH need to discuss exactly how to approach the blending of the family, common rules, expectations

4) Your number 1 goal needs to be that ALL the kids feel loved, appreciated, and part of a family and your actively forging a bond between all the siblings

It is just hard to act like a family when we are only together 4 days out of the month and our household operates differently the other days. When they're not here, we only focus on activities for the toddlers, socialize with families who have similarly aged children, see my family, etc. When they are here, I end up taking our kids to their activities and DH spends time with his kids though obviously we have meals together, play in the yard some, etc. Hard to find activities that interest all four and don't want to drag older kids to the spray park or toddler birthday parties, etc yet also don't want younger kids to miss out on these things.

[Anonymous]

So that others may learn ...

Thanks for posting

[Anonymous]

DH is responsible for this problem. Why didnt he have visitation early on at least during summers? Sounds like he was happy not to be a father. He needs to man up and tell his kids now what the house rules are.

When they turn 18, they wont magically have a relationship if he has not laid a solid foundation. Sounds like there isnt much of a foundation.

[Anonymous]

Are you sure the problem isn't just that they are teens?

[Anonymous]

OP again - the other thing I forgot to add is the feeling of guilt. MIL used to have no problem when we would go out of town to visit my family but now makes comments about our "vacations". One time we planned to go to a wedding over Memorial Weekend and their mom announced she also wanted to go on vacation that weekend and told DH to take the kids. We already had tickets, etc and it was not our weekend. They ended up staying with DH's brother and his family and I felt so bad our entire trip.
I feel guilty when I ask that we spend a holiday visiting my family, like I am depriving the other kids of time with their father.

MIL insists that if she attends an event for the younger kids that the stepkids be invited as well so they don't feel left out. Not always practical and also, younger kids are missing out on her attention.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again - the other thing I forgot to add is the feeling of guilt. MIL used to have no problem when we would go out of town to visit my family but now makes comments about our "vacations". One time we planned to go to a wedding over Memorial Weekend and their mom announced she also wanted to go on vacation that weekend and told DH to take the kids. We already had tickets, etc and it was not our weekend. They ended up staying with DH's brother and his family and I felt so bad our entire trip.
I feel guilty when I ask that we spend a holiday visiting my family, like I am depriving the other kids of time with their father.

MIL insists that if she attends an event for the younger kids that the stepkids be invited as well so they don't feel left out. Not always practical and also, younger kids are missing out on her attention.

Stop listening to your MIL's opinion. Also, you need to stop feeling guilty. Don't listen to MIL when she tries to "guilt trip", simply say what you're doing, and chagne the subject.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again - the other thing I forgot to add is the feeling of guilt. MIL used to have no problem when we would go out of town to visit my family but now makes comments about our "vacations". One time we planned to go to a wedding over Memorial Weekend and their mom announced she also wanted to go on vacation that weekend and told DH to take the kids. We already had tickets, etc and it was not our weekend. They ended up staying with DH's brother and his family and I felt so bad our entire trip.
I feel guilty when I ask that we spend a holiday visiting my family, like I am depriving the other kids of time with their father.

MIL insists that if she attends an event for the younger kids that the stepkids be invited as well so they don't feel left out. Not always practical and also, younger kids are missing out on her attention.

Stop listening to your MIL's opinion. Also, you need to stop feeling guilty. Don't listen to MIL when she tries to "guilt trip", simply say what you're doing, and chagne the subject.

I know I should. I just hate how it has damaged our relationship and often feel like she thinks I am to blame, or it is us against them. We've gotten together much less frequently, it is awkward when we see each other and I feel like biokids are missing out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again - the other thing I forgot to add is the feeling of guilt. MIL used to have no problem when we would go out of town to visit my family but now makes comments about our "vacations". One time we planned to go to a wedding over Memorial Weekend and their mom announced she also wanted to go on vacation that weekend and told DH to take the kids. We already had tickets, etc and it was not our weekend. They ended up staying with DH's brother and his family and I felt so bad our entire trip.
I feel guilty when I ask that we spend a holiday visiting my family, like I am depriving the other kids of time with their father.

MIL insists that if she attends an event for the younger kids that the stepkids be invited as well so they don't feel left out. Not always practical and also, younger kids are missing out on her attention.

Stop listening to your MIL's opinion. Also, you need to stop feeling guilty. Don't listen to MIL when she tries to "guilt trip", simply say what you're doing, and chagne the subject.

I know I should. I just hate how it has damaged our relationship and often feel like she thinks I am to blame, or it is us against them. We've gotten together much less frequently, it is awkward when we see each other and I feel like biokids are missing out.

You can't change her. Repeat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1) Nothing is ever quite what you think it will be, one day you will be saying this about the issues you have co-parenting the kids you have together. It is just life

2) Sounds like your DH needs to stop being quite so intimidated by the baby mother...does he have a LEGAL custody agreement? If so, he needs to stop being afraid of having his kids get taken away.

3) You and DH need to discuss exactly how to approach the blending of the family, common rules, expectations

4) Your number 1 goal needs to be that ALL the kids feel loved, appreciated, and part of a family and your actively forging a bond between all the siblings

It is just hard to act like a family when we are only together 4 days out of the month and our household operates differently the other days. When they're not here, we only focus on activities for the toddlers, socialize with families who have similarly aged children, see my family, etc. When they are here, I end up taking our kids to their activities and DH spends time with his kids though obviously we have meals together, play in the yard some, etc. Hard to find activities that interest all four and don't want to drag older kids to the spray park or toddler birthday parties, etc yet also don't want younger kids to miss out on these things.

You don't have to do all the activities together, you don't necessarily do that with kids that live together all the time. Sometimes the big kids can go to the little kid activities, when DH calls during the week, you can sometimes let the little ones say hi to their bigger siblings. Making everyone feel "included" does not mean in every single activity. You want everyone to see and understand that decisions are made with the entire family in mind. I say this as a stepmom (mine is an adult with a family of their own, but I have a ES aged kid who is crazy about the adult sibling). You really need to get your DH on board about common rules and such, no one needs parent out of fear. My father used to occassionally threaten to get custody of me, and my mom was like "yea right".