Reply to Regret Marrying Someone with Kids

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Stepmom here with kids who live cross country.  Don't regret your marriage based off of the kids.  Your husband needs to parent the kids his way in your home and not allow the behaviors.  Its hard when he hasn't been allowed to be hands on but he needs to step up with mom in terms of visitation schedule and such.  I don't think the two sets of kids should be treated the same.  They are two different sets of parents and grandparents.  Everything is not always going to be equal.  Too bad they share a room - they are only there every other weekend.  It would be different if they were there full-time but if you cannot afford a bigger house, then they share.  Its ok kids share rooms.  It is only a few more years... it goes by quicker than you realize.  It seemed like forever till my husband's kids turned 18... oh, the joy of child support ending as well as his ex's terror.  Things are much better for us with all that stress gone.  Do your best, treat them well (its ok not to love them in the same way you love your kids) and hang in there.[/quote]

Thanks for this.  How often do you see the kids now?  Does your husband feel like he has a good relationship with them? And do you have kids together?  [/quote]

Adult who is also a stepdaughter of a SM who also wishes she had never been in the picture here. If you are going to follow the above advice (and trust me, they already know that life is unfair) then you need to, at the same time, establish a relationship with them that is still loving, supportive and I would argue independent of your DH. As to the issues of family vacations - I would argue that the right thing to do is to ask the teens if they wish to come. I suspect 99% of the time the won't be interested in visiting your family, but it will go a long, long, long way to making them feel welcomed and loved. If you have to pay to bring them out once or twice, do so.

Honestly, I believe you need to actually be more, not less, aggressive (not sure if that's the right word for it) in establishing a relationship with them. The more you keep them at arms length, the more defensive they will be and the less influence you actually will have over their behavior.

As a kid when I spent time with my Dad's family, including SM and Half sister (10 years younger), I would creep into her closet at night and look her clothes and all her shoes and toys, keeping lists in my mind. I was always on the lookout for ways in which she was loved more than me -- and they were very easy to find in my case.

I[b]f SM had ever reached out to me and invited me to be part of her family or asked me to the movies just me and her, I would have MELTED right then and there.[/b]

Kids just want to be loved.

[/quote]

No you wouldn't have. That is adult hindsight talking.[/quote]

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