Regret Marrying Someone with Kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you sure the problem isn't just that they are teens?

It could be. I just was not emotionally, mentally, or financially prepared for such a change in lifestyle, having to schedule every minute of our lives when making plans depending on whether they are with us or not, the fact that we have no input, the change in our relationship with others in the family, the impact on biokids, etc

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you sure the problem isn't just that they are teens?

It could be. I just was not emotionally, mentally, or financially prepared for such a change in lifestyle, having to schedule every minute of our lives when making plans depending on whether they are with us or not, the fact that we have no input, the change in our relationship with others in the family, the impact on biokids, etc

What does DH say about all this? He's really the one who needs to make some decisions here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you sure the problem isn't just that they are teens?

It could be. I just was not emotionally, mentally, or financially prepared for such a change in lifestyle, having to schedule every minute of our lives when making plans depending on whether they are with us or not, the fact that we have no input, the change in our relationship with others in the family, the impact on biokids, etc

Previously Posting Stepmom here. I am not being snide, but want to ask, prior to marriage, what did you and your DH discuss in regards to how the kids would be a part of the new family that you and DH were creating? Did you discuss parenting and how you would foster the relationship between the kids you planned on having and the kids he already have? What did you discuss about parenting in general? What did you discuss regarding your individual and mutual expectations of the family you were creating? Was this not something that you discussed? Why is there a change in relationship with others in the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again - the other thing I forgot to add is the feeling of guilt. MIL used to have no problem when we would go out of town to visit my family but now makes comments about our "vacations". One time we planned to go to a wedding over Memorial Weekend and their mom announced she also wanted to go on vacation that weekend and told DH to take the kids. We already had tickets, etc and it was not our weekend. They ended up staying with DH's brother and his family and I felt so bad our entire trip.
I feel guilty when I ask that we spend a holiday visiting my family, like I am depriving the other kids of time with their father.

MIL insists that if she attends an event for the younger kids that the stepkids be invited as well so they don't feel left out. Not always practical and also, younger kids are missing out on her attention.

If it is during the time when DH is skedded to have the kids, why can't you take the stepkids as well?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1) Nothing is ever quite what you think it will be, one day you will be saying this about the issues you have co-parenting the kids you have together. It is just life

2) Sounds like your DH needs to stop being quite so intimidated by the baby mother...does he have a LEGAL custody agreement? If so, he needs to stop being afraid of having his kids get taken away.

3) You and DH need to discuss exactly how to approach the blending of the family, common rules, expectations

4) Your number 1 goal needs to be that ALL the kids feel loved, appreciated, and part of a family and your actively forging a bond between all the siblings

It is just hard to act like a family when we are only together 4 days out of the month and our household operates differently the other days. When they're not here, we only focus on activities for the toddlers, socialize with families who have similarly aged children, see my family, etc. When they are here, I end up taking our kids to their activities and DH spends time with his kids though obviously we have meals together, play in the yard some, etc. Hard to find activities that interest all four and don't want to drag older kids to the spray park or toddler birthday parties, etc yet also don't want younger kids to miss out on these things.

Yes, it is hard to act like the other families you know because you are not like them.

You will have to embrace the fact that you are not the cutesy, hip couple with toddlers. You are a blended family with older teens and toddlers. It's never not going to be that way.

I think if you were totally honest with yourself you would acknowledge that you really are not happy with the kids being closer now and you liked that your DH was "hands off" with them. It didn't cramp your style and you could kind of forget about them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you sure the problem isn't just that they are teens?

It could be. I just was not emotionally, mentally, or financially prepared for such a change in lifestyle, having to schedule every minute of our lives when making plans depending on whether they are with us or not, the fact that we have no input, the change in our relationship with others in the family, the impact on biokids, etc

Previously Posting Stepmom here. I am not being snide, but want to ask, prior to marriage, what did you and your DH discuss in regards to how the kids would be a part of the new family that you and DH were creating? Did you discuss parenting and how you would foster the relationship between the kids you planned on having and the kids he already have? What did you discuss about parenting in general? What did you discuss regarding your individual and mutual expectations of the family you were creating? Was this not something that you discussed? Why is there a change in relationship with others in the family.

He basically told me the situation with his kids - how he was young, irresponsible, shouldn't have been in the relationship, has issues with the mom, wants to do support the kids and be there for him to the extent possible but wasn't able to be around for much of their lives and doesn't have the best bond. He has accepted the situation the way it is and wants to avoid constant fights or their mom saying bad things about him.

10 years later when we met, he was more mature, obtained an education and a good job, and wanted to get married, have children and be an equal partner in raising them. He has always been very involved with the younger kids. I don't think he anticipated the older kids moving back. And I don't think he expected it to be the way it has been. He is very frustrated. Relationship with the family has changed because now that the kids are here, they expect him to do more and be more involved and even try to get more time with them but in the mean time he has made a commitment to a new wife, has two other children that need him and is spread very thin trying to please everyone - making sure we still see my family, making sure he makes it to older kids events, time with younger kids, etc. He is miserable because no matter what he does, someone is unhappy and exhausted/stressed because all of this requires more time, planning, energy, money and what has ended up getting cut is any time to himself or personal plans, purchases etc. He is not resentful about it but obviously you can do/have it all and something has got to give.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1) Nothing is ever quite what you think it will be, one day you will be saying this about the issues you have co-parenting the kids you have together. It is just life

2) Sounds like your DH needs to stop being quite so intimidated by the baby mother...does he have a LEGAL custody agreement? If so, he needs to stop being afraid of having his kids get taken away.

3) You and DH need to discuss exactly how to approach the blending of the family, common rules, expectations

4) Your number 1 goal needs to be that ALL the kids feel loved, appreciated, and part of a family and your actively forging a bond between all the siblings

It is just hard to act like a family when we are only together 4 days out of the month and our household operates differently the other days. When they're not here, we only focus on activities for the toddlers, socialize with families who have similarly aged children, see my family, etc. When they are here, I end up taking our kids to their activities and DH spends time with his kids though obviously we have meals together, play in the yard some, etc. Hard to find activities that interest all four and don't want to drag older kids to the spray park or toddler birthday parties, etc yet also don't want younger kids to miss out on these things.

Yes, it is hard to act like the other families you know because you are not like them.

You will have to embrace the fact that you are not the cutesy, hip couple with toddlers. You are a blended family with older teens and toddlers. It's never not going to be that way.

I think if you were totally honest with yourself you would acknowledge that you really are not happy with the kids being closer now and you liked that your DH was "hands off" with them. It didn't cramp your style and you could kind of forget about them.

I'm not happy about it because I didn't anticipate/consider it and because the transition has been very difficult and I don't see a happy resolution. I care about the kids and don't want to deny them time with their father so I have to learn to live with it. It is just difficult not being in total control of my life because things can change at the whim of their mother and we'd need to adjust.

[Anonymous]

In somewhat the same boat. We only get my step kids for a day, every other weekend. And that goes by the wayside too if they have school activities. I feel sad that my bio kid doesn't have as close a sibling relationship with his older siblings as I had envisioned.

But, I remind myself they are teens. They don't spend huge amounts of time with any parent. More about friends, school activities, etc. it feels more like an aunt relationship than a step mom relationship. But at least it's a regular relationship. Relationships change as people age, and kids go through phases of being close and of pulling away. They may very well enjoy spending more time with us when they are 25 or so. I know I did as a young adult. And more so after having children of my own. So I just focus on much of what you do. Being a kind and supportive adult in their lives. I try to maximize their time with their dad. I don't discipline, though, he does. I also don't stop my son's activities. So if baseball conflicts with band concert, we split up and each attend/chauffeur one.

I am sad it's not exactly the way I imagined, but what is, really? I don't regret marriage though.

[Anonymous]

DH just wants to ride it out the way it is until they turn 18 (4-5 years) when he can just have relationships and make plans with them without the involvement of their mother.

Yep that ain't going to happen. Your husband left his kids and he is not a real father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you sure the problem isn't just that they are teens?

It could be. I just was not emotionally, mentally, or financially prepared for such a change in lifestyle, having to schedule every minute of our lives when making plans depending on whether they are with us or not, the fact that we have no input, the change in our relationship with others in the family, the impact on biokids, etc

Previously Posting Stepmom here. I am not being snide, but want to ask, prior to marriage, what did you and your DH discuss in regards to how the kids would be a part of the new family that you and DH were creating? Did you discuss parenting and how you would foster the relationship between the kids you planned on having and the kids he already have? What did you discuss about parenting in general? What did you discuss regarding your individual and mutual expectations of the family you were creating? Was this not something that you discussed? Why is there a change in relationship with others in the family.

He basically told me the situation with his kids - how he was young, irresponsible, shouldn't have been in the relationship, has issues with the mom, wants to do support the kids and be there for him to the extent possible but wasn't able to be around for much of their lives and doesn't have the best bond. He has accepted the situation the way it is and wants to avoid constant fights or their mom saying bad things about him.

10 years later when we met, he was more mature, obtained an education and a good job, and wanted to get married, have children and be an equal partner in raising them. He has always been very involved with the younger kids. I don't think he anticipated the older kids moving back. And I don't think he expected it to be the way it has been. He is very frustrated. Relationship with the family has changed because now that the kids are here, they expect him to do more and be more involved and even try to get more time with them but in the mean time he has made a commitment to a new wife, has two other children that need him and is spread very thin trying to please everyone - making sure we still see my family, making sure he makes it to older kids events, time with younger kids, etc. He is miserable because no matter what he does, someone is unhappy and exhausted/stressed because all of this requires more time, planning, energy, money and what has ended up getting cut is any time to himself or personal plans, purchases etc. He is not resentful about it but obviously you can do/have it all and something has got to give.

PP, I hear you. Sounds like you guys did not have a "plan" so to speak as to incorporate everyone into the family. His older kids want him to be their dad, which is perfectly understandable. You all need to make a real strategy of how to make this a blended family that takes everyone into account. First place to start is to get DH to stop being so afraid of baby momma. When you act and respond only out of fear, you have chaos. it disrupts the ENTIRE family and sets a bad example to ALL the kids. Stop worrying about MIL and what other people say. You have to start thinking as if you, because you are, 1 big family. Those kids were here first and now you have added on. In a family that has toddlers and teens or tweens, it is a juggling act, regardless of whether there are stepkids or not. Parenting is challenging no matter the details of the situation. Do you and DH have a vision/mission for your family, what it looks like, what you want for each member, etc. Otherwise, you will continue to be disappointed trying to find some mythical form of happy. As a previous pp mentioned, you have to let go of the dream of some cutesy hipster couple with just your toddlers. It's hard I know. I never planned to marry a man with kids. But my DH's parenting of his child is a great deal of what made me fall in love with him and want to have more kids with him. No way I would want to marry a man who was not willing to fight every demon in hell for ALL OF his kids, even if that demon turned out to be me one day(in case I lost my darn mind). Reconfigure your dreams and expectations, and you will find that in the end, they will exceed everything you previously hoped for. That's what happens when decide to forge ahead and do what we never thought we were capable of.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps taking a co-parenting class would help all of you. You probably do have to suck some of it up and just go with it -- you can't change how their mother raises them. But you should be able to enforce some reasonable rules at your own home and expect the custody schedule to be maintained and scheduled well in advance.

I have a feeling that when you own kids are teenagers, you are going to recognize many of the same patterns of behavior you see in the step-kids. I'd also wager that you may regret some of the judgement and resentment you are feeling right now.

Hang in there. This isn't easy. Be pleased that you husband is taking responsibility for his kids. That is something to be admired -- really and truly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again - the other thing I forgot to add is the feeling of guilt. MIL used to have no problem when we would go out of town to visit my family but now makes comments about our "vacations". One time we planned to go to a wedding over Memorial Weekend and their mom announced she also wanted to go on vacation that weekend and told DH to take the kids. We already had tickets, etc and it was not our weekend. They ended up staying with DH's brother and his family and I felt so bad our entire trip.
I feel guilty when I ask that we spend a holiday visiting my family, like I am depriving the other kids of time with their father.

MIL insists that if she attends an event for the younger kids that the stepkids be invited as well so they don't feel left out. Not always practical and also, younger kids are missing out on her attention.

Stop listening to your MIL's opinion. Also, you need to stop feeling guilty. Don't listen to MIL when she tries to "guilt trip", simply say what you're doing, and chagne the subject.

I know I should. I just hate how it has damaged our relationship and often feel like she thinks I am to blame, or it is us against them. We've gotten together much less frequently, it is awkward when we see each other and I feel like biokids are missing out.

Your MIL seems to think that she's a co-parent here, and it sounds like DH is letting her. And now that your stepkids live nearby, it's easier for boundaries to get further blurred. Definitely stand up to your MIL, and don't apologize for it. None of this "MIL insists" business is remotely relevant: "No, Larla and Larlo are with their mom that night, but if you'd like to join us, the invitation still stands!....You insists? Gosh, I believe the custody agreement is what insists, but, again, if you'd like to join us, you're welcome to."

Bio-mom decides at the last minute to ask you to take the kids? Her problem, not yours. That weekend was her responsibility, and she could have stayed home. No need for you to feel guilty because bio-mom is irresponsible. You can't make up for her parental deficits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again - the other thing I forgot to add is the feeling of guilt. MIL used to have no problem when we would go out of town to visit my family but now makes comments about our "vacations". One time we planned to go to a wedding over Memorial Weekend and their mom announced she also wanted to go on vacation that weekend and told DH to take the kids. We already had tickets, etc and it was not our weekend. They ended up staying with DH's brother and his family and I felt so bad our entire trip.
I feel guilty when I ask that we spend a holiday visiting my family, like I am depriving the other kids of time with their father.

MIL insists that if she attends an event for the younger kids that the stepkids be invited as well so they don't feel left out. Not always practical and also, younger kids are missing out on her attention.

Stop listening to your MIL's opinion. Also, you need to stop feeling guilty. Don't listen to MIL when she tries to "guilt trip", simply say what you're doing, and chagne the subject.

I know I should. I just hate how it has damaged our relationship and often feel like she thinks I am to blame, or it is us against them. We've gotten together much less frequently, it is awkward when we see each other and I feel like biokids are missing out.

Your MIL seems to think that she's a co-parent here, and it sounds like DH is letting her. And now that your stepkids live nearby, it's easier for boundaries to get further blurred. Definitely stand up to your MIL, and don't apologize for it. None of this "MIL insists" business is remotely relevant: "No, Larla and Larlo are with their mom that night, but if you'd like to join us, the invitation still stands!....You insists? Gosh, I believe the custody agreement is what insists, but, again, if you'd like to join us, you're welcome to."

Bio-mom decides at the last minute to ask you to take the kids? Her problem, not yours. That weekend was her responsibility, and she could have stayed home. No need for you to feel guilty because bio-mom is irresponsible. You can't make up for her parental deficits.

Yes, MIL acts like their social worker in a way. She is happy that their mom is letting her be involved and in a way the two of them are keeping DH from getting involved - one because he'll have to argue with one or both of them, and two because he assumes things are being handled which may provide him some relief, but takes away from his parenting role. He ends up being fun dad that does activities with them and takes them for fast food. Then they complain about that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you sure the problem isn't just that they are teens?

It could be. I just was not emotionally, mentally, or financially prepared for such a change in lifestyle, having to schedule every minute of our lives when making plans depending on whether they are with us or not, the fact that we have no input, the change in our relationship with others in the family, the impact on biokids, etc

You need to stop categorizing them as biokids and his kids. Also, realize that you are part of the problem. Don't mother them, but try to build a relationship with them. Learn to love things about them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you sure the problem isn't just that they are teens?

It could be. I just was not emotionally, mentally, or financially prepared for such a change in lifestyle, having to schedule every minute of our lives when making plans depending on whether they are with us or not, the fact that we have no input, the change in our relationship with others in the family, the impact on biokids, etc

You need to stop categorizing them as biokids and his kids. Also, realize that you are part of the problem. Don't mother them, but try to build a relationship with them. Learn to love things about them.

+1 Find things that you all can do as a family.