Regret Marrying Someone with Kids

[Anonymous]

"My side of the family is in a better financial position than their mom's family and they notice the nicer gifts/clothes that my kids sometimes get or when my parents take just the four of us on vacations. They give stepkids gifts for Christmas when we're all together but beyond that do not invite them to family events/trips. "


This is part of the problem. You and your family do not regard these children as part of your family. you have to accept that they became part of YOUR family when you married their father. As long as you have an US vs Them attitude, they will sense it and not feel included, loved or accepted. They had no control over their parents age when they were born. They had no control over your marrying their father. They had no control move moving across the country. Embrace them and tell your family to do so too, and then you will see a difference.

My Uncle married a divorced woman with 3 children and then they had one child themselves. We did NOT exclude her children from gifts, vacations or anything else. When their mother married our Uncle they became part of our family together. You are doing harm to them by not including them.

[Anonymous]

Do they seem to like their half siblings? Or resent them? Or both?

You should probably have your kids open gifts from your extended family when the step kids aren't there. Or tell your extended family to get them gifts too, even if it means cutting into the budget for yr kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"My side of the family is in a better financial position than their mom's family and they notice the nicer gifts/clothes that my kids sometimes get or when my parents take just the four of us on vacations. They give stepkids gifts for Christmas when we're all together but beyond that do not invite them to family events/trips. "


This is part of the problem. You and your family do not regard these children as part of your family. you have to accept that they became part of YOUR family when you married their father. As long as you have an US vs Them attitude, they will sense it and not feel included, loved or accepted. They had no control over their parents age when they were born. They had no control over your marrying their father. They had no control move moving across the country. Embrace them and tell your family to do so too, and then you will see a difference.

My Uncle married a divorced woman with 3 children and then they had one child themselves. We did NOT exclude her children from gifts, vacations or anything else. When their mother married our Uncle they became part of our family together. You are doing harm to them by not including them.

I don't think this is realistic as far as travel is concerned. First, two extra plane tickets and an extra hotel room is quite costly. Second, most of my extended family has not my stepkids and it is logical for us to travel to see my relatives or travel with my parents when the stepkids are with their mom or on the alternating holidays.

As far as gifts are concerned, they will see biokids open birthday presents and I can't help that. Other times, my parents bought my kids a play kitchen or other large gift that they didn't witness being opened/delivered but noticed when they came the next time. Since my kids are younger the entire basement is a playroom with their stuff. Older kids have their video game system and that's it. Most of their things are portable and go back and forth - tablet, ipod, etc. They don't resent them and do really like them.

As far as acting like a family - it was tough to do that only 2-3 times a year before and now that they're here, it has been a big adjustment because of the different parenting rules, me being shut out when I try to provide input, and the fact that I work full time and chase two toddlers the rest of the time. The best I've been able to do is have DH spend time exclusively with them and handle the younger two on my own. Now that the weather is better and younger kids are not sick every other day from daycare, we can go to the pool or parks, etc. I think it will take time as you can't force a family and bonding 4 days a month but the dynamic is such that I'm not optimistic that much will change. DH's level of involvement and input is a huge barrier and why it feels like babysitting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"My side of the family is in a better financial position than their mom's family and they notice the nicer gifts/clothes that my kids sometimes get or when my parents take just the four of us on vacations. They give stepkids gifts for Christmas when we're all together but beyond that do not invite them to family events/trips. "


This is part of the problem. You and your family do not regard these children as part of your family. you have to accept that they became part of YOUR family when you married their father. As long as you have an US vs Them attitude, they will sense it and not feel included, loved or accepted. They had no control over their parents age when they were born. They had no control over your marrying their father. They had no control move moving across the country. Embrace them and tell your family to do so too, and then you will see a difference.

My Uncle married a divorced woman with 3 children and then they had one child themselves. We did NOT exclude her children from gifts, vacations or anything else. When their mother married our Uncle they became part of our family together. You are doing harm to them by not including them.

I don't think this is realistic as far as travel is concerned. First, two extra plane tickets and an extra hotel room is quite costly. Second, most of my extended family has not my stepkids and it is logical for us to travel to see my relatives or travel with my parents when the stepkids are with their mom or on the alternating holidays.

As far as gifts are concerned, they will see biokids open birthday presents and I can't help that. Other times, my parents bought my kids a play kitchen or other large gift that they didn't witness being opened/delivered but noticed when they came the next time. Since my kids are younger the entire basement is a playroom with their stuff. Older kids have their video game system and that's it. Most of their things are portable and go back and forth - tablet, ipod, etc. They don't resent them and do really like them.

As far as acting like a family - it was tough to do that only 2-3 times a year before and now that they're here, it has been a big adjustment because of the different parenting rules, me being shut out when I try to provide input, and the fact that I work full time and chase two toddlers the rest of the time. The best I've been able to do is have DH spend time exclusively with them and handle the younger two on my own. Now that the weather is better and younger kids are not sick every other day from daycare, we can go to the pool or parks, etc. I think it will take time as you can't force a family and bonding 4 days a month but the dynamic is such that I'm not optimistic that much will change. DH's level of involvement and input is a huge barrier and why it feels like babysitting.

If the whole family can't afford to go, then the whole family stays home. DO not treat your step children like second class citizens. Your family doesn't treat them like family, because they are taking YOUR lead and YOU do not treat them like family. I agree that it is tough to do IF you are only seeing them 2-3 times a year, but things have changed and you have to change with them. Now you have time to make them part of your family.

You seem to find excuses for everything.

[Anonymous]

I have no experience with this, OP, and you have my full sympathy.

But... shouldn't you and DH be free to make your own rules in your own house? If the stepchildren come over, DH should be able to set limits, within reason, no?
Because his children's respect will have to be earned, and children do respect those who set loving and consistent boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Stepmom here with kids who live cross country. Don't regret your marriage based off of the kids. Your husband needs to parent the kids his way in your home and not allow the behaviors. Its hard when he hasn't been allowed to be hands on but he needs to step up with mom in terms of visitation schedule and such. I don't think the two sets of kids should be treated the same. They are two different sets of parents and grandparents. Everything is not always going to be equal. Too bad they share a room - they are only there every other weekend. It would be different if they were there full-time but if you cannot afford a bigger house, then they share. Its ok kids share rooms. It is only a few more years... it goes by quicker than you realize. It seemed like forever till my husband's kids turned 18... oh, the joy of child support ending as well as his ex's terror. Things are much better for us with all that stress gone. Do your best, treat them well (its ok not to love them in the same way you love your kids) and hang in there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"My side of the family is in a better financial position than their mom's family and they notice the nicer gifts/clothes that my kids sometimes get or when my parents take just the four of us on vacations. They give stepkids gifts for Christmas when we're all together but beyond that do not invite them to family events/trips. "


This is part of the problem. You and your family do not regard these children as part of your family. you have to accept that they became part of YOUR family when you married their father. As long as you have an US vs Them attitude, they will sense it and not feel included, loved or accepted. They had no control over their parents age when they were born. They had no control over your marrying their father. They had no control move moving across the country. Embrace them and tell your family to do so too, and then you will see a difference.

My Uncle married a divorced woman with 3 children and then they had one child themselves. We did NOT exclude her children from gifts, vacations or anything else. When their mother married our Uncle they became part of our family together. You are doing harm to them by not including them.

I don't think this is realistic as far as travel is concerned. First, two extra plane tickets and an extra hotel room is quite costly. Second, most of my extended family has not my stepkids and it is logical for us to travel to see my relatives or travel with my parents when the stepkids are with their mom or on the alternating holidays.

As far as gifts are concerned, they will see biokids open birthday presents and I can't help that. Other times, my parents bought my kids a play kitchen or other large gift that they didn't witness being opened/delivered but noticed when they came the next time. Since my kids are younger the entire basement is a playroom with their stuff. Older kids have their video game system and that's it. Most of their things are portable and go back and forth - tablet, ipod, etc. They don't resent them and do really like them.

As far as acting like a family - it was tough to do that only 2-3 times a year before and now that they're here, it has been a big adjustment because of the different parenting rules, me being shut out when I try to provide input, and the fact that I work full time and chase two toddlers the rest of the time. The best I've been able to do is have DH spend time exclusively with them and handle the younger two on my own. Now that the weather is better and younger kids are not sick every other day from daycare, we can go to the pool or parks, etc. I think it will take time as you can't force a family and bonding 4 days a month but the dynamic is such that I'm not optimistic that much will change. DH's level of involvement and input is a huge barrier and why it feels like babysitting.

You confusing me. First you say them come so often you can't handle it, then you say they don't come often enough for a relationship. It doesn't make sense.

[Anonymous]

You sound like a horrible stepmother. Really cold and unloving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"My side of the family is in a better financial position than their mom's family and they notice the nicer gifts/clothes that my kids sometimes get or when my parents take just the four of us on vacations. They give stepkids gifts for Christmas when we're all together but beyond that do not invite them to family events/trips. "


This is part of the problem. You and your family do not regard these children as part of your family. you have to accept that they became part of YOUR family when you married their father. As long as you have an US vs Them attitude, they will sense it and not feel included, loved or accepted. They had no control over their parents age when they were born. They had no control over your marrying their father. They had no control move moving across the country. Embrace them and tell your family to do so too, and then you will see a difference.

My Uncle married a divorced woman with 3 children and then they had one child themselves. We did NOT exclude her children from gifts, vacations or anything else. When their mother married our Uncle they became part of our family together. You are doing harm to them by not including them.

I don't think this is realistic as far as travel is concerned. First, two extra plane tickets and an extra hotel room is quite costly. Second, most of my extended family has not my stepkids and it is logical for us to travel to see my relatives or travel with my parents when the stepkids are with their mom or on the alternating holidays.

As far as gifts are concerned, they will see biokids open birthday presents and I can't help that. Other times, my parents bought my kids a play kitchen or other large gift that they didn't witness being opened/delivered but noticed when they came the next time. Since my kids are younger the entire basement is a playroom with their stuff. Older kids have their video game system and that's it. Most of their things are portable and go back and forth - tablet, ipod, etc. They don't resent them and do really like them.

As far as acting like a family - it was tough to do that only 2-3 times a year before and now that they're here, it has been a big adjustment because of the different parenting rules, me being shut out when I try to provide input, and the fact that I work full time and chase two toddlers the rest of the time. The best I've been able to do is have DH spend time exclusively with them and handle the younger two on my own. Now that the weather is better and younger kids are not sick every other day from daycare, we can go to the pool or parks, etc. I think it will take time as you can't force a family and bonding 4 days a month but the dynamic is such that I'm not optimistic that much will change. DH's level of involvement and input is a huge barrier and why it feels like babysitting.

If the whole family can't afford to go, then the whole family stays home. DO not treat your step children like second class citizens. Your family doesn't treat them like family, because they are taking YOUR lead and YOU do not treat them like family. I agree that it is tough to do IF you are only seeing them 2-3 times a year, but things have changed and you have to change with them. Now you have time to make them part of your family.

You seem to find excuses for everything.

Disagree. The whole family does not have to travel together. The step mom gets to take her kids to visit her own family without the step kids who are teenagers and have their own grandparents. And her family is not obligated to provide equal gifts to her step children.

Because the blended family is local and no longer long distance, that does not automatically mean that there should be a sudden blending of everything. It is a difficult situation made more complicated due to both the age of the step kids and the mom's and grandmother's shenanigans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you sure the problem isn't just that they are teens?

It could be. I just was not emotionally, mentally, or financially prepared for such a change in lifestyle, having to schedule every minute of our lives when making plans depending on whether they are with us or not, the fact that we have no input, the change in our relationship with others in the family, the impact on biokids, etc

Previously Posting Stepmom here. I am not being snide, but want to ask, prior to marriage, what did you and your DH discuss in regards to how the kids would be a part of the new family that you and DH were creating? Did you discuss parenting and how you would foster the relationship between the kids you planned on having and the kids he already have? What did you discuss about parenting in general? What did you discuss regarding your individual and mutual expectations of the family you were creating? Was this not something that you discussed? Why is there a change in relationship with others in the family.

He basically told me the situation with his kids - how he was young, irresponsible, shouldn't have been in the relationship, has issues with the mom, wants to do support the kids and be there for him to the extent possible but wasn't able to be around for much of their lives and doesn't have the best bond. He has accepted the situation the way it is and wants to avoid constant fights or their mom saying bad things about him.

10 years later when we met, he was more mature, obtained an education and a good job, and wanted to get married, have children and be an equal partner in raising them. He has always been very involved with the younger kids. I don't think he anticipated the older kids moving back. And I don't think he expected it to be the way it has been. He is very frustrated. Relationship with the family has changed because now that the kids are here, they expect him to do more and be more involved and even try to get more time with them but in the mean time he has made a commitment to a new wife, has two other children that need him and is spread very thin trying to please everyone - making sure we still see my family, making sure he makes it to older kids events, time with younger kids, etc. He is miserable because no matter what he does, someone is unhappy and exhausted/stressed because all of this requires more time, planning, energy, money and what has ended up getting cut is any time to himself or personal plans, purchases etc. He is not resentful about it but obviously you can do/have it all and something has got to give.

I think *you* are very, very resentful of the situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"My side of the family is in a better financial position than their mom's family and they notice the nicer gifts/clothes that my kids sometimes get or when my parents take just the four of us on vacations. They give stepkids gifts for Christmas when we're all together but beyond that do not invite them to family events/trips. "


This is part of the problem. You and your family do not regard these children as part of your family. you have to accept that they became part of YOUR family when you married their father. As long as you have an US vs Them attitude, they will sense it and not feel included, loved or accepted. They had no control over their parents age when they were born. They had no control over your marrying their father. They had no control move moving across the country. Embrace them and tell your family to do so too, and then you will see a difference.

My Uncle married a divorced woman with 3 children and then they had one child themselves. We did NOT exclude her children from gifts, vacations or anything else. When their mother married our Uncle they became part of our family together. You are doing harm to them by not including them.

I don't think this is realistic as far as travel is concerned. First, two extra plane tickets and an extra hotel room is quite costly. Second, most of my extended family has not my stepkids and it is logical for us to travel to see my relatives or travel with my parents when the stepkids are with their mom or on the alternating holidays.

As far as gifts are concerned, they will see biokids open birthday presents and I can't help that. Other times, my parents bought my kids a play kitchen or other large gift that they didn't witness being opened/delivered but noticed when they came the next time. Since my kids are younger the entire basement is a playroom with their stuff. Older kids have their video game system and that's it. Most of their things are portable and go back and forth - tablet, ipod, etc. They don't resent them and do really like them.

As far as acting like a family - it was tough to do that only 2-3 times a year before and now that they're here, it has been a big adjustment because of the different parenting rules, me being shut out when I try to provide input, and the fact that I work full time and chase two toddlers the rest of the time. The best I've been able to do is have DH spend time exclusively with them and handle the younger two on my own. Now that the weather is better and younger kids are not sick every other day from daycare, we can go to the pool or parks, etc. I think it will take time as you can't force a family and bonding 4 days a month but the dynamic is such that I'm not optimistic that much will change. DH's level of involvement and input is a huge barrier and why it feels like babysitting.

If the whole family can't afford to go, then the whole family stays home. DO not treat your step children like second class citizens. Your family doesn't treat them like family, because they are taking YOUR lead and YOU do not treat them like family. I agree that it is tough to do IF you are only seeing them 2-3 times a year, but things have changed and you have to change with them. Now you have time to make them part of your family.

You seem to find excuses for everything.

I meant my parents pay for us to go on a trip and it it expensive to expect them to pay for stepkids on top of the other reasons I listed. Obviously, if we go on a vacation, we take all the kids. These are either trips to visit my relatives, or trips we take with my parents.

[Anonymous]

So get divorced. He can move on to someone who can accept all of his kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you sure the problem isn't just that they are teens?

It could be. I just was not emotionally, mentally, or financially prepared for such a change in lifestyle, having to schedule every minute of our lives when making plans depending on whether they are with us or not, the fact that we have no input, the change in our relationship with others in the family, the impact on biokids, etc

Previously Posting Stepmom here. I am not being snide, but want to ask, prior to marriage, what did you and your DH discuss in regards to how the kids would be a part of the new family that you and DH were creating? Did you discuss parenting and how you would foster the relationship between the kids you planned on having and the kids he already have? What did you discuss about parenting in general? What did you discuss regarding your individual and mutual expectations of the family you were creating? Was this not something that you discussed? Why is there a change in relationship with others in the family.

He basically told me the situation with his kids - how he was young, irresponsible, shouldn't have been in the relationship, has issues with the mom, wants to do support the kids and be there for him to the extent possible but wasn't able to be around for much of their lives and doesn't have the best bond. He has accepted the situation the way it is and wants to avoid constant fights or their mom saying bad things about him.

10 years later when we met, he was more mature, obtained an education and a good job, and wanted to get married, have children and be an equal partner in raising them. He has always been very involved with the younger kids. I don't think he anticipated the older kids moving back. And I don't think he expected it to be the way it has been. He is very frustrated. Relationship with the family has changed because now that the kids are here, they expect him to do more and be more involved and even try to get more time with them but in the mean time he has made a commitment to a new wife, has two other children that need him and is spread very thin trying to please everyone - making sure we still see my family, making sure he makes it to older kids events, time with younger kids, etc. He is miserable because no matter what he does, someone is unhappy and exhausted/stressed because all of this requires more time, planning, energy, money and what has ended up getting cut is any time to himself or personal plans, purchases etc. He is not resentful about it but obviously you can do/have it all and something has got to give.

I think *you* are very, very resentful of the situation.

I said that that I was regretful but love my husband and don't want a life of divorce for my kids.

[Anonymous]

I would absolutely insist that your parents by your step kids presents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you sure the problem isn't just that they are teens?

It could be. I just was not emotionally, mentally, or financially prepared for such a change in lifestyle, having to schedule every minute of our lives when making plans depending on whether they are with us or not, the fact that we have no input, the change in our relationship with others in the family, the impact on biokids, etc

Previously Posting Stepmom here. I am not being snide, but want to ask, prior to marriage, what did you and your DH discuss in regards to how the kids would be a part of the new family that you and DH were creating? Did you discuss parenting and how you would foster the relationship between the kids you planned on having and the kids he already have? What did you discuss about parenting in general? What did you discuss regarding your individual and mutual expectations of the family you were creating? Was this not something that you discussed? Why is there a change in relationship with others in the family.

He basically told me the situation with his kids - how he was young, irresponsible, shouldn't have been in the relationship, has issues with the mom, wants to do support the kids and be there for him to the extent possible but wasn't able to be around for much of their lives and doesn't have the best bond. He has accepted the situation the way it is and wants to avoid constant fights or their mom saying bad things about him.

10 years later when we met, he was more mature, obtained an education and a good job, and wanted to get married, have children and be an equal partner in raising them. He has always been very involved with the younger kids. I don't think he anticipated the older kids moving back. And I don't think he expected it to be the way it has been. He is very frustrated. Relationship with the family has changed because now that the kids are here, they expect him to do more and be more involved and even try to get more time with them but in the mean time he has made a commitment to a new wife, has two other children that need him and is spread very thin trying to please everyone - making sure we still see my family, making sure he makes it to older kids events, time with younger kids, etc. He is miserable because no matter what he does, someone is unhappy and exhausted/stressed because all of this requires more time, planning, energy, money and what has ended up getting cut is any time to himself or personal plans, purchases etc. He is not resentful about it but obviously you can do/have it all and something has got to give.

I think *you* are very, very resentful of the situation.

I said that that I was regretful but love my husband and don't want a life of divorce for my kids.

Of course you don't. Because who knows how his next wife might treat them?