Regret Marrying Someone with Kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again - the other thing I forgot to add is the feeling of guilt. MIL used to have no problem when we would go out of town to visit my family but now makes comments about our "vacations". One time we planned to go to a wedding over Memorial Weekend and their mom announced she also wanted to go on vacation that weekend and told DH to take the kids. We already had tickets, etc and it was not our weekend. They ended up staying with DH's brother and his family and I felt so bad our entire trip.
I feel guilty when I ask that we spend a holiday visiting my family, like I am depriving the other kids of time with their father.

MIL insists that if she attends an event for the younger kids that the stepkids be invited as well so they don't feel left out. Not always practical and also, younger kids are missing out on her attention.

MIL sounds like she is over involved and difficult, BUT... you need to also start thinking about your family as a group of 6. The relationships won't improve if you maintain an us/them attitude. I have a stepchild 9 years older than my biological child... but I consider them both equal parts of our family- as does my husband. Vacations are planned for places that have things that appeal to both age groups. We also split times so sometimes DH takes bio child to bday parties and I do something with stepchild.

My family also treats all the kids as "ours" and gives gifts and acknowledgments to my step child as well as they biological grandchild. If we visit my family step child is always welcome.

I understand that circumstances changed, but you all need to change with them and make the family work together. Your DH definitely needs to set some boundaries for MIL.

Good luck

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't even go out with someone with kids. Too much drama with ex and kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't even go out with someone with kids. Too much drama with ex and kids.

This has been my policy. But once you marry someone, you need to be the best step parent you possibly can be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't even go out with someone with kids. Too much drama with ex and kids.

This has been my policy. But once you marry someone, you need to be the best step parent you possibly can be.

True, but step parents often get a hard dose of reality when they try to be the model step parent to difficult stepchildren.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1) Nothing is ever quite what you think it will be, one day you will be saying this about the issues you have co-parenting the kids you have together. It is just life

2) Sounds like your DH needs to stop being quite so intimidated by the baby mother...does he have a LEGAL custody agreement? If so, he needs to stop being afraid of having his kids get taken away.

3) You and DH need to discuss exactly how to approach the blending of the family, common rules, expectations

4) Your number 1 goal needs to be that ALL the kids feel loved, appreciated, and part of a family and your actively forging a bond between all the siblings

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't even go out with someone with kids. Too much drama with ex and kids.

This has been my policy. But once you marry someone, you need to be the best step parent you possibly can be.

True, but step parents often get a hard dose of reality when they try to be the model step parent to difficult stepchildren.

Step parents are the adults and they had a choice to be or not to be in the difficult situation. The children are not adults and they did have a choice.

OP- try looking at if from your step children's perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't even go out with someone with kids. Too much drama with ex and kids.

This has been my policy. But once you marry someone, you need to be the best step parent you possibly can be.

True, but step parents often get a hard dose of reality when they try to be the model step parent to difficult stepchildren.

Step parents are the adults and they had a choice to be or not to be in the difficult situation. The children are not adults and they did have a choice.

OP- try looking at if from your step children's perspective.

Agree that the children don't have a choice but step parent deserve respect, support and understanding. It is difficult in almost all circumstances, but especially when major changes happen. Just because you choose to marry someone with kids doesn't mean you give up your right to live a stable, healthy and happy life. You don't agree to contribute your time and money and emotions just to be disrespected or marginalized either by the kids, their mom, or in laws. You are also part of the family and your needs and desires should be considered as well. The adults in the situation are often the ones creating the problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't even go out with someone with kids. Too much drama with ex and kids.

This has been my policy. But once you marry someone, you need to be the best step parent you possibly can be.

True, but step parents often get a hard dose of reality when they try to be the model step parent to difficult stepchildren.

+10000

I have a friend like this. She was constantly trying to tell me about how she was parenting perfectly as the step mom while her step son's mom didn't know what the heck she was doing. Every time she mentioned it, I just gently said " everyone parents different. But remember, it is her child and her choice. she isn't harming him just picking a different way". It annoyed her to no end but a 1.5 in and her step son got in serious trouble for misbehaving at school on her watch and she stopped talking about her superior parenting all of a sudden.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"My side of the family is in a better financial position than their mom's family and they notice the nicer gifts/clothes that my kids sometimes get or when my parents take just the four of us on vacations. They give stepkids gifts for Christmas when we're all together but beyond that do not invite them to family events/trips. "


This is part of the problem. You and your family do not regard these children as part of your family. you have to accept that they became part of YOUR family when you married their father. As long as you have an US vs Them attitude, they will sense it and not feel included, loved or accepted. They had no control over their parents age when they were born. They had no control over your marrying their father. They had no control move moving across the country. Embrace them and tell your family to do so too, and then you will see a difference.

My Uncle married a divorced woman with 3 children and then they had one child themselves. We did NOT exclude her children from gifts, vacations or anything else. When their mother married our Uncle they became part of our family together. You are doing harm to them by not including them.

I don't think this is realistic as far as travel is concerned. First, two extra plane tickets and an extra hotel room is quite costly. Second, most of my extended family has not my stepkids and it is logical for us to travel to see my relatives or travel with my parents when the stepkids are with their mom or on the alternating holidays.

As far as gifts are concerned, they will see biokids open birthday presents and I can't help that. Other times, my parents bought my kids a play kitchen or other large gift that they didn't witness being opened/delivered but noticed when they came the next time. Since my kids are younger the entire basement is a playroom with their stuff. Older kids have their video game system and that's it. Most of their things are portable and go back and forth - tablet, ipod, etc. They don't resent them and do really like them.

As far as acting like a family - it was tough to do that only 2-3 times a year before and now that they're here, it has been a big adjustment because of the different parenting rules, me being shut out when I try to provide input, and the fact that I work full time and chase two toddlers the rest of the time. The best I've been able to do is have DH spend time exclusively with them and handle the younger two on my own. Now that the weather is better and younger kids are not sick every other day from daycare, we can go to the pool or parks, etc. I think it will take time as you can't force a family and bonding 4 days a month but the dynamic is such that I'm not optimistic that much will change. DH's level of involvement and input is a huge barrier and why it feels like babysitting.

If the whole family can't afford to go, then the whole family stays home. DO not treat your step children like second class citizens. Your family doesn't treat them like family, because they are taking YOUR lead and YOU do not treat them like family. I agree that it is tough to do IF you are only seeing them 2-3 times a year, but things have changed and you have to change with them. Now you have time to make them part of your family.

You seem to find excuses for everything.

+1

And I'm a stepmom of 2 teens who live with their mom plus have a toddler with my husband, their dad. Yes "extra" plane tickets/hotel rooms are expensive. But really, they're not extra--they are your husband's children. And I say this as someone who is dreading the cost of 5 round trip tickets to Hawaii to visit my parents, because it would absolutely devastate my husband's children to be left behind. So it ain't happening--they will be coming with us even if we have to wait and save up even longer. You knew he had children when you married him: suck it up! Sorry your husband didn't continue being the deadbeat dad you thought he was going to be. Thank goodness his mom is looking out for them.

I disagree. A teen wouldn't be interested in visiting his/her stepmom's relatives. Why would they? (Now if OP's relatives live in Hawaii, then I see why a teen would want to go, but more likely then not, OP's family prob. lives in a non-touristy U.S. state.) And I agree with a PP that said that it is very expensive to buy 2 extra plane tickets and extra rooms.

Also, in a few years they will be grown up, so just stand your ground with your MIL, and don't let her tell you how to live your life. Your side of the family should be visited also, it makes sense to alternate holidays. One Christmas visiting your family with your DH and your kids, thene the next year spending Christmas with your DH's family (his kids, your kids, his side of the family). I don't think it's cool that some PPs are putting OP down. You should be supportive.

1. Why wouldn't they be interested in visiting the stepmom's relatives? My stepkids like my relatives and enjoy spending time with them and vice versa.

2. I am being supportive of the children, who have gotten/are getting a raw deal. OP barely disguises her selfishness--so no, I will not be supportive of that. I will, however, be supportive by showing her that there is another way to handle this (ie treating the stepchildren like they are part of the family, which, like it or not, they are.)

PP, did your stepchildren know your relatives since they were very little? OP's stepkids just started living close to stepmom as teens. If they had known stepmom's relatives since they were little, they might be interested, but it's not likely that a teen would be interested in visiting, for ex., Nebraska for a whole week, when they don't even know their stepmom's relatives at all, and they never spent time with them as small children.

[Anonymous]

God Bless You. Being a stepmother is one of the hardest things a person can do. No need for your family to buy his kids presents or take them on vacation. If they want to, fine, if not, why would you pressure them. Teens are, in general, an ungrateful species you will learn this eventually. It's harder to deal with because they aren't your kids. You didn't get a chance to fall in love with them as infants and be a part of their growing up process. Your children will always be your children and then you will have the stepchildren. Please don't feel bad if you don't feel the bio-connection, they have a mother (regardless of how crazy, she's all theirs!).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"My side of the family is in a better financial position than their mom's family and they notice the nicer gifts/clothes that my kids sometimes get or when my parents take just the four of us on vacations. They give stepkids gifts for Christmas when we're all together but beyond that do not invite them to family events/trips. "


This is part of the problem. You and your family do not regard these children as part of your family. you have to accept that they became part of YOUR family when you married their father. As long as you have an US vs Them attitude, they will sense it and not feel included, loved or accepted. They had no control over their parents age when they were born. They had no control over your marrying their father. They had no control move moving across the country. Embrace them and tell your family to do so too, and then you will see a difference.

My Uncle married a divorced woman with 3 children and then they had one child themselves. We did NOT exclude her children from gifts, vacations or anything else. When their mother married our Uncle they became part of our family together. You are doing harm to them by not including them.

I don't think this is realistic as far as travel is concerned. First, two extra plane tickets and an extra hotel room is quite costly. Second, most of my extended family has not my stepkids and it is logical for us to travel to see my relatives or travel with my parents when the stepkids are with their mom or on the alternating holidays.

As far as gifts are concerned, they will see biokids open birthday presents and I can't help that. Other times, my parents bought my kids a play kitchen or other large gift that they didn't witness being opened/delivered but noticed when they came the next time. Since my kids are younger the entire basement is a playroom with their stuff. Older kids have their video game system and that's it. Most of their things are portable and go back and forth - tablet, ipod, etc. They don't resent them and do really like them.

As far as acting like a family - it was tough to do that only 2-3 times a year before and now that they're here, it has been a big adjustment because of the different parenting rules, me being shut out when I try to provide input, and the fact that I work full time and chase two toddlers the rest of the time. The best I've been able to do is have DH spend time exclusively with them and handle the younger two on my own. Now that the weather is better and younger kids are not sick every other day from daycare, we can go to the pool or parks, etc. I think it will take time as you can't force a family and bonding 4 days a month but the dynamic is such that I'm not optimistic that much will change. DH's level of involvement and input is a huge barrier and why it feels like babysitting.

If the whole family can't afford to go, then the whole family stays home. DO not treat your step children like second class citizens. Your family doesn't treat them like family, because they are taking YOUR lead and YOU do not treat them like family. I agree that it is tough to do IF you are only seeing them 2-3 times a year, but things have changed and you have to change with them. Now you have time to make them part of your family.

You seem to find excuses for everything.

+1

And I'm a stepmom of 2 teens who live with their mom plus have a toddler with my husband, their dad. Yes "extra" plane tickets/hotel rooms are expensive. But really, they're not extra--they are your husband's children. And I say this as someone who is dreading the cost of 5 round trip tickets to Hawaii to visit my parents, because it would absolutely devastate my husband's children to be left behind. So it ain't happening--they will be coming with us even if we have to wait and save up even longer. You knew he had children when you married him: suck it up! Sorry your husband didn't continue being the deadbeat dad you thought he was going to be. Thank goodness his mom is looking out for them.

I disagree. A teen wouldn't be interested in visiting his/her stepmom's relatives. Why would they? (Now if OP's relatives live in Hawaii, then I see why a teen would want to go, but more likely then not, OP's family prob. lives in a non-touristy U.S. state.) And I agree with a PP that said that it is very expensive to buy 2 extra plane tickets and extra rooms.

Also, in a few years they will be grown up, so just stand your ground with your MIL, and don't let her tell you how to live your life. Your side of the family should be visited also, it makes sense to alternate holidays. One Christmas visiting your family with your DH and your kids, thene the next year spending Christmas with your DH's family (his kids, your kids, his side of the family). I don't think it's cool that some PPs are putting OP down. You should be supportive.

1. Why wouldn't they be interested in visiting the stepmom's relatives? My stepkids like my relatives and enjoy spending time with them and vice versa.

2. I am being supportive of the children, who have gotten/are getting a raw deal. OP barely disguises her selfishness--so no, I will not be supportive of that. I will, however, be supportive by showing her that there is another way to handle this (ie treating the stepchildren like they are part of the family, which, like it or not, they are.)

PP, did your stepchildren know your relatives since they were very little? OP's stepkids just started living close to stepmom as teens. If they had known stepmom's relatives since they were little, they might be interested, but it's not likely that a teen would be interested in visiting, for ex., Nebraska for a whole week, when they don't even know their stepmom's relatives at all, and they never spent time with them as small children.

My relatives (and I) didn't meet my step kids until they were in their early teens. We've just always presented it as a "package deal". Period.