Regret Marrying Someone with Kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stepmom here with kids who live cross country. Don't regret your marriage based off of the kids. Your husband needs to parent the kids his way in your home and not allow the behaviors. Its hard when he hasn't been allowed to be hands on but he needs to step up with mom in terms of visitation schedule and such. I don't think the two sets of kids should be treated the same. They are two different sets of parents and grandparents. Everything is not always going to be equal. Too bad they share a room - they are only there every other weekend. It would be different if they were there full-time but if you cannot afford a bigger house, then they share. Its ok kids share rooms. It is only a few more years... it goes by quicker than you realize. It seemed like forever till my husband's kids turned 18... oh, the joy of child support ending as well as his ex's terror. Things are much better for us with all that stress gone. Do your best, treat them well (its ok not to love them in the same way you love your kids) and hang in there.

Best. Advice. Ever.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Are you sure the problem isn't just that they are teens?

It could be. I just was not emotionally, mentally, or financially prepared for such a change in lifestyle, having to schedule every minute of our lives when making plans depending on whether they are with us or not, the fact that we have no input, the change in our relationship with others in the family, the impact on biokids, etc

Previously Posting Stepmom here. I am not being snide, but want to ask, prior to marriage, what did you and your DH discuss in regards to how the kids would be a part of the new family that you and DH were creating? Did you discuss parenting and how you would foster the relationship between the kids you planned on having and the kids he already have? What did you discuss about parenting in general? What did you discuss regarding your individual and mutual expectations of the family you were creating? Was this not something that you discussed? Why is there a change in relationship with others in the family.

He basically told me the situation with his kids - how he was young, irresponsible, shouldn't have been in the relationship, has issues with the mom, wants to do support the kids and be there for him to the extent possible but wasn't able to be around for much of their lives and doesn't have the best bond. He has accepted the situation the way it is and wants to avoid constant fights or their mom saying bad things about him.

10 years later when we met, he was more mature, obtained an education and a good job, and wanted to get married, have children and be an equal partner in raising them. He has always been very involved with the younger kids. I don't think he anticipated the older kids moving back. And I don't think he expected it to be the way it has been. He is very frustrated. Relationship with the family has changed because now that the kids are here, they expect him to do more and be more involved and even try to get more time with them but in the mean time he has made a commitment to a new wife, has two other children that need him and is spread very thin trying to please everyone - making sure we still see my family, making sure he makes it to older kids events, time with younger kids, etc. He is miserable because no matter what he does, someone is unhappy and exhausted/stressed because all of this requires more time, planning, energy, money and what has ended up getting cut is any time to himself or personal plans, purchases etc. He is not resentful about it but obviously you can do/have it all and something has got to give.

I think *you* are very, very resentful of the situation.

I said that that I was regretful but love my husband and don't want a life of divorce for my kids.

Of course you don't. Because who knows how his next wife might treat them?

I have never come across any children from broken homes that didn't have some sort of issue. There is a world of difference between life for kids in an intact home and those of children of divorce - whether they have to switch house every other weekend, split the week, parents remarry and either have more kids or take on other kids, mom usually ends up with less money and a lower level lifestyle, hardly get to see dad or even having to split holidays - all of these things have an impact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stepmom here with kids who live cross country. Don't regret your marriage based off of the kids. Your husband needs to parent the kids his way in your home and not allow the behaviors. Its hard when he hasn't been allowed to be hands on but he needs to step up with mom in terms of visitation schedule and such. I don't think the two sets of kids should be treated the same. They are two different sets of parents and grandparents. Everything is not always going to be equal. Too bad they share a room - they are only there every other weekend. It would be different if they were there full-time but if you cannot afford a bigger house, then they share. Its ok kids share rooms. It is only a few more years... it goes by quicker than you realize. It seemed like forever till my husband's kids turned 18... oh, the joy of child support ending as well as his ex's terror. Things are much better for us with all that stress gone. Do your best, treat them well (its ok not to love them in the same way you love your kids) and hang in there.

Best. Advice. Ever.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So that others may learn ...

Thanks for posting

Very true!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stepmom here with kids who live cross country. Don't regret your marriage based off of the kids. Your husband needs to parent the kids his way in your home and not allow the behaviors. Its hard when he hasn't been allowed to be hands on but he needs to step up with mom in terms of visitation schedule and such. I don't think the two sets of kids should be treated the same. They are two different sets of parents and grandparents. Everything is not always going to be equal. Too bad they share a room - they are only there every other weekend. It would be different if they were there full-time but if you cannot afford a bigger house, then they share. Its ok kids share rooms. It is only a few more years... it goes by quicker than you realize. It seemed like forever till my husband's kids turned 18... oh, the joy of child support ending as well as his ex's terror. Things are much better for us with all that stress gone. Do your best, treat them well (its ok not to love them in the same way you love your kids) and hang in there.

Thanks for this. How often do you see the kids now? Does your husband feel like he has a good relationship with them? And do you have kids together?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Are you sure the problem isn't just that they are teens?

It could be. I just was not emotionally, mentally, or financially prepared for such a change in lifestyle, having to schedule every minute of our lives when making plans depending on whether they are with us or not, the fact that we have no input, the change in our relationship with others in the family, the impact on biokids, etc

Previously Posting Stepmom here. I am not being snide, but want to ask, prior to marriage, what did you and your DH discuss in regards to how the kids would be a part of the new family that you and DH were creating? Did you discuss parenting and how you would foster the relationship between the kids you planned on having and the kids he already have? What did you discuss about parenting in general? What did you discuss regarding your individual and mutual expectations of the family you were creating? Was this not something that you discussed? Why is there a change in relationship with others in the family.

He basically told me the situation with his kids - how he was young, irresponsible, shouldn't have been in the relationship, has issues with the mom, wants to do support the kids and be there for him to the extent possible but wasn't able to be around for much of their lives and doesn't have the best bond. He has accepted the situation the way it is and wants to avoid constant fights or their mom saying bad things about him.

10 years later when we met, he was more mature, obtained an education and a good job, and wanted to get married, have children and be an equal partner in raising them. He has always been very involved with the younger kids. I don't think he anticipated the older kids moving back. And I don't think he expected it to be the way it has been. He is very frustrated. Relationship with the family has changed because now that the kids are here, they expect him to do more and be more involved and even try to get more time with them but in the mean time he has made a commitment to a new wife, has two other children that need him and is spread very thin trying to please everyone - making sure we still see my family, making sure he makes it to older kids events, time with younger kids, etc. He is miserable because no matter what he does, someone is unhappy and exhausted/stressed because all of this requires more time, planning, energy, money and what has ended up getting cut is any time to himself or personal plans, purchases etc. He is not resentful about it but obviously you can do/have it all and something has got to give.

I think *you* are very, very resentful of the situation.

I said that that I was regretful but love my husband and don't want a life of divorce for my kids.

Of course you don't. Because who knows how his next wife might treat them?

I have never come across any children from broken homes that didn't have some sort of issue. There is a world of difference between life for kids in an intact home and those of children of divorce - whether they have to switch house every other weekend, split the week, parents remarry and either have more kids or take on other kids, mom usually ends up with less money and a lower level lifestyle, hardly get to see dad or even having to split holidays - all of these things have an impact.

You certainly can believe that, but it's not reality. In DC I know a lot of women (myself included) that make more money and the situation is better for all involved after the divorce. In college I knew plenty of successful kids whose parents were divorced.

[Anonymous]

It is obvious from these posts that you resent your DH's children and that you would prefer if they didn't exist and that your family acts as if they do not exist. I am sure that these children have picked up on this negativeness. This is a hole that you and your DH have dug. It will take work to get out of it. These children deserve their father's love, affection, time and attention just as much as the children you and your DH have together. Saying that your DH was young and stupid to have these children doesn't change the fact that he is not young anymore and is capable of turning around his relationship- but it is more difficult to do it if you are setting up road blocks to this.

Try, please try, to see yourselves as one family not two separate families. It sounds like your MIL sees this and is trying to make up for the deficits of her son. I am glad these children have her looking out for them.

These are children. You and your DH are the adults. It is up to both of you to make things better. If you don't want these children moving into your basement in a few years when they crash and burn - take the time now to build a healthier relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you sure the problem isn't just that they are teens?

It could be. I just was not emotionally, mentally, or financially prepared for such a change in lifestyle, having to schedule every minute of our lives when making plans depending on whether they are with us or not, the fact that we have no input, the change in our relationship with others in the family, the impact on biokids, etc

Previously Posting Stepmom here. I am not being snide, but want to ask, prior to marriage, what did you and your DH discuss in regards to how the kids would be a part of the new family that you and DH were creating? Did you discuss parenting and how you would foster the relationship between the kids you planned on having and the kids he already have? What did you discuss about parenting in general? What did you discuss regarding your individual and mutual expectations of the family you were creating? Was this not something that you discussed? Why is there a change in relationship with others in the family.

He basically told me the situation with his kids - how he was young, irresponsible, shouldn't have been in the relationship, has issues with the mom, wants to do support the kids and be there for him to the extent possible but wasn't able to be around for much of their lives and doesn't have the best bond. He has accepted the situation the way it is and wants to avoid constant fights or their mom saying bad things about him.

10 years later when we met, he was more mature, obtained an education and a good job, and wanted to get married, have children and be an equal partner in raising them. He has always been very involved with the younger kids. I don't think he anticipated the older kids moving back. And I don't think he expected it to be the way it has been. He is very frustrated. Relationship with the family has changed because now that the kids are here, they expect him to do more and be more involved and even try to get more time with them but in the mean time he has made a commitment to a new wife, has two other children that need him and is spread very thin trying to please everyone - making sure we still see my family, making sure he makes it to older kids events, time with younger kids, etc. He is miserable because no matter what he does, someone is unhappy and exhausted/stressed because all of this requires more time, planning, energy, money and what has ended up getting cut is any time to himself or personal plans, purchases etc. He is not resentful about it but obviously you can do/have it all and something has got to give.

I think *you* are very, very resentful of the situation.

I said that that I was regretful but love my husband and don't want a life of divorce for my kids.

Of course you don't. Because who knows how his next wife might treat them?

I have never come across any children from broken homes that didn't have some sort of issue. There is a world of difference between life for kids in an intact home and those of children of divorce - whether they have to switch house every other weekend, split the week, parents remarry and either have more kids or take on other kids, mom usually ends up with less money and a lower level lifestyle, hardly get to see dad or even having to split holidays - all of these things have an impact.

You certainly can believe that, but it's not reality. In DC I know a lot of women (myself included) that make more money and the situation is better for all involved after the divorce. In college I knew plenty of successful kids whose parents were divorced.

I am the poster who said she was resentful. I agree with her assessment on kids from "broken homes". Money may not be an issue but all the other things she mentioned have a serious impact. You don't understand that because you don't see it from the outside. So I'm that regard resentful or not, I applaud her for recognizing how impactful divorce is and working through issues instead of leaving.

[Anonymous]

I'm not sympathetic about the complaints about things being expensive. You are, collectively, parents of four kids! Of course life is expensive!

[Anonymous]

OP I remember you from another thread. You are a big crybaby. Poor you that you have to find a way to be a family with these kids and your toddlers occassionally have to miss a birthday party.

Some tips:

Don't have video games in your house.
Don't have TV, or only have Disney videos for your toddlers
Don't have crappy food. When the kids get hungry they will eat.

Etc. etc. YOU are the parents. YOU are the bosses. Step up and parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I remember you from another thread. You are a big crybaby. Poor you that you have to find a way to be a family with these kids and your toddlers occassionally have to miss a birthday party.

Some tips:

Don't have video games in your house.
Don't have TV, or only have Disney videos for your toddlers
Don't have crappy food. When the kids get hungry they will eat.

Etc. etc. YOU are the parents. YOU are the bosses. Step up and parent.

Her issue doesn't seem to be with the kids - DH, biomom and MIL are the problem. What a shame that they aren't being more supportive and encouraging so that they can feel and act like a family. The stepmom always gets the blame.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"My side of the family is in a better financial position than their mom's family and they notice the nicer gifts/clothes that my kids sometimes get or when my parents take just the four of us on vacations. They give stepkids gifts for Christmas when we're all together but beyond that do not invite them to family events/trips. "


This is part of the problem. You and your family do not regard these children as part of your family. you have to accept that they became part of YOUR family when you married their father. As long as you have an US vs Them attitude, they will sense it and not feel included, loved or accepted. They had no control over their parents age when they were born. They had no control over your marrying their father. They had no control move moving across the country. Embrace them and tell your family to do so too, and then you will see a difference.

My Uncle married a divorced woman with 3 children and then they had one child themselves. We did NOT exclude her children from gifts, vacations or anything else. When their mother married our Uncle they became part of our family together. You are doing harm to them by not including them.

I don't think this is realistic as far as travel is concerned. First, two extra plane tickets and an extra hotel room is quite costly. Second, most of my extended family has not my stepkids and it is logical for us to travel to see my relatives or travel with my parents when the stepkids are with their mom or on the alternating holidays.

As far as gifts are concerned, they will see biokids open birthday presents and I can't help that. Other times, my parents bought my kids a play kitchen or other large gift that they didn't witness being opened/delivered but noticed when they came the next time. Since my kids are younger the entire basement is a playroom with their stuff. Older kids have their video game system and that's it. Most of their things are portable and go back and forth - tablet, ipod, etc. They don't resent them and do really like them.

As far as acting like a family - it was tough to do that only 2-3 times a year before and now that they're here, it has been a big adjustment because of the different parenting rules, me being shut out when I try to provide input, and the fact that I work full time and chase two toddlers the rest of the time. The best I've been able to do is have DH spend time exclusively with them and handle the younger two on my own. Now that the weather is better and younger kids are not sick every other day from daycare, we can go to the pool or parks, etc. I think it will take time as you can't force a family and bonding 4 days a month but the dynamic is such that I'm not optimistic that much will change. DH's level of involvement and input is a huge barrier and why it feels like babysitting.

If the whole family can't afford to go, then the whole family stays home. DO not treat your step children like second class citizens. Your family doesn't treat them like family, because they are taking YOUR lead and YOU do not treat them like family. I agree that it is tough to do IF you are only seeing them 2-3 times a year, but things have changed and you have to change with them. Now you have time to make them part of your family.

You seem to find excuses for everything.

+1

And I'm a stepmom of 2 teens who live with their mom plus have a toddler with my husband, their dad. Yes "extra" plane tickets/hotel rooms are expensive. But really, they're not extra--they are your husband's children. And I say this as someone who is dreading the cost of 5 round trip tickets to Hawaii to visit my parents, because it would absolutely devastate my husband's children to be left behind. So it ain't happening--they will be coming with us even if we have to wait and save up even longer. You knew he had children when you married him: suck it up! Sorry your husband didn't continue being the deadbeat dad you thought he was going to be. Thank goodness his mom is looking out for them.

[Anonymous]

Just wait it out. They'll be 18 soon enough and will come around less often. If you love your husband and your marriage is solid don't ruin it because of this. Their mom will no longer have a role, CS will stop and the kids will have their own life and see dad when they choose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"My side of the family is in a better financial position than their mom's family and they notice the nicer gifts/clothes that my kids sometimes get or when my parents take just the four of us on vacations. They give stepkids gifts for Christmas when we're all together but beyond that do not invite them to family events/trips. "


This is part of the problem. You and your family do not regard these children as part of your family. you have to accept that they became part of YOUR family when you married their father. As long as you have an US vs Them attitude, they will sense it and not feel included, loved or accepted. They had no control over their parents age when they were born. They had no control over your marrying their father. They had no control move moving across the country. Embrace them and tell your family to do so too, and then you will see a difference.

My Uncle married a divorced woman with 3 children and then they had one child themselves. We did NOT exclude her children from gifts, vacations or anything else. When their mother married our Uncle they became part of our family together. You are doing harm to them by not including them.

I don't think this is realistic as far as travel is concerned. First, two extra plane tickets and an extra hotel room is quite costly. Second, most of my extended family has not my stepkids and it is logical for us to travel to see my relatives or travel with my parents when the stepkids are with their mom or on the alternating holidays.

As far as gifts are concerned, they will see biokids open birthday presents and I can't help that. Other times, my parents bought my kids a play kitchen or other large gift that they didn't witness being opened/delivered but noticed when they came the next time. Since my kids are younger the entire basement is a playroom with their stuff. Older kids have their video game system and that's it. Most of their things are portable and go back and forth - tablet, ipod, etc. They don't resent them and do really like them.

As far as acting like a family - it was tough to do that only 2-3 times a year before and now that they're here, it has been a big adjustment because of the different parenting rules, me being shut out when I try to provide input, and the fact that I work full time and chase two toddlers the rest of the time. The best I've been able to do is have DH spend time exclusively with them and handle the younger two on my own. Now that the weather is better and younger kids are not sick every other day from daycare, we can go to the pool or parks, etc. I think it will take time as you can't force a family and bonding 4 days a month but the dynamic is such that I'm not optimistic that much will change. DH's level of involvement and input is a huge barrier and why it feels like babysitting.

If the whole family can't afford to go, then the whole family stays home. DO not treat your step children like second class citizens. Your family doesn't treat them like family, because they are taking YOUR lead and YOU do not treat them like family. I agree that it is tough to do IF you are only seeing them 2-3 times a year, but things have changed and you have to change with them. Now you have time to make them part of your family.

You seem to find excuses for everything.

+1

And I'm a stepmom of 2 teens who live with their mom plus have a toddler with my husband, their dad. Yes "extra" plane tickets/hotel rooms are expensive. But really, they're not extra--they are your husband's children. And I say this as someone who is dreading the cost of 5 round trip tickets to Hawaii to visit my parents, because it would absolutely devastate my husband's children to be left behind. So it ain't happening--they will be coming with us even if we have to wait and save up even longer. You knew he had children when you married him: suck it up! Sorry your husband didn't continue being the deadbeat dad you thought he was going to be. Thank goodness his mom is looking out for them.

I disagree. A teen wouldn't be interested in visiting his/her stepmom's relatives. Why would they? (Now if OP's relatives live in Hawaii, then I see why a teen would want to go, but more likely then not, OP's family prob. lives in a non-touristy U.S. state.) And I agree with a PP that said that it is very expensive to buy 2 extra plane tickets and extra rooms.

Also, in a few years they will be grown up, so just stand your ground with your MIL, and don't let her tell you how to live your life. Your side of the family should be visited also, it makes sense to alternate holidays. One Christmas visiting your family with your DH and your kids, thene the next year spending Christmas with your DH's family (his kids, your kids, his side of the family). I don't think it's cool that some PPs are putting OP down. You should be supportive.

[Anonymous]

^ I meant the PPs should be supportive of the OP.