I want to be the fun laid back wife. Please tell me how.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe a lot of you women should start acting like ladies instead of spoiled brats.

+1000

Maybe a lot of you men should stop being lazy shits? No? Okay.

Funny, we weren't lazy when you married us or you ignored it and now you want to complain about. The problem comes in when you start trying to control everything. You become a mother. Men want a wife not some control freak.

Yes you were. It just mattered less. We assumed you, like us, would step up once kids and a real household came into play.

This is idiotic. You assumed someone could be changed? That they would suddenly throw away their own experiences and ways of dealing with the world?

So many people have a hard time accepting a very difficult concept: You married the wrong person. You married someone who isn't right for you and now it is annoying to you that they won't become the partner you expected. It is a terrible situation but it isn't impossible. You either accept the person you chose or you decide to get out of it with dignity and next time...marry someone who is up to your standards and expectations. If not, stay single...forever.

You sound like my husband. I wasn't aware that laziness was a such a fundamental and deeply cherished character trait.

This is why I married a foreign guy. He DID step up when we had kids. Got a better job, makes more money (me too -- I'm leaning in at work and home) and he is unfailingly tidy and gives the kids tons of attention at home, while doing about half of the parenting and chores. Plus he keeps himself in good shape, unlike American guys.

American guys all have this Peter Pan complex where they need to be treated like little boys for their whole lives and get petulant and whiny if they don't get to be spoiled, slovenly messes, and it's somehow all women's fault. Not worth it!

If you think about all people this way, you have a serious mental illness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe a lot of you women should start acting like ladies instead of spoiled brats.

+1000

Maybe a lot of you men should stop being lazy shits? No? Okay.

Funny, we weren't lazy when you married us or you ignored it and now you want to complain about. The problem comes in when you start trying to control everything. You become a mother. Men want a wife not some control freak.

Yes you were. It just mattered less. We assumed you, like us, would step up once kids and a real household came into play.

This is idiotic. You assumed someone could be changed? That they would suddenly throw away their own experiences and ways of dealing with the world?

So many people have a hard time accepting a very difficult concept: You married the wrong person. You married someone who isn't right for you and now it is annoying to you that they won't become the partner you expected. It is a terrible situation but it isn't impossible. You either accept the person you chose or you decide to get out of it with dignity and next time...marry someone who is up to your standards and expectations. If not, stay single...forever.

You sound like my husband. I wasn't aware that laziness was a such a fundamental and deeply cherished character trait.

How about responding to the meat of this post. You married the wrong person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I heard something on the radio once, years ago when my kids were infant/toddler: Always make your DH *want* to come home.

So I thought about this, and really, why would he want to come him to me handing him a honey-do list and basically getting the second shift? Heck, he could stay at work where he doesn't get any backtalk and people do what he says without complaint, and look up to him.

I decided then and there; no more honey-do list. I do it myself, or I hire a handyman to do what I can't. Even when it's something he wants to do for himself (like, connect the new TV to the speakers etc, which of course, ends up getting all screwed up). He *says* he wants to do it himself, but you know, when he comes home and it's all done and ready to go, he does not sit around complaining about how he didn't get to assemble it.

I don't b***h about the mess he makes. I buy his favorite beer. I always kiss him goodbye in the morning, and in the evening I stop what I'm doing and go kiss him hello. (that is important; it's very primal, all social animals greet each other)

I just try and make it a nice experience for him to come home. I want him to think of it as a hotel.

At first it's hard because it feels a little unfair. But I just suck it up, and you let go of resentment when you see that your plan is working.

It's been about 8 years since implementing this plan, and he has said that coming home is like coming to an oasis. Our marriage is really strong--stronger than before implementing the plan. We have a lot of fun together!

I SAH, so obviously this plan would have to be tweaked for a dual-income couple. But the goal is the same: Figure out how to make your DH want to come home.

I totally get that. I do the same. Mainly because my DH is laid back and not critical. If he wanted the house a certain way and expected it - I probably would not do it. He is not perfect and neither am I. Both of us hate discord. We also have a high tolerance to messes etc. We love to have a kid friendly house and we do not mind when we have to do some extra work because of having kids around.

As long as my family is safe - there is nothing to get worked up about. I do hire people and outsource a ton of work as well.

We both are very attracted to each other sexually (even after 20+ years) and have an incredible sex life. I think great and frequent sex is a great stress relieved and really bonds a couple.

So - 1) Stop nagging and criticizing 2) Outsource work or do it yourself 3) Do not sweat the small things 4) Have lots of enthusiastic, innovative and frequent sex!

[Anonymous]

So, back to the original question: I think to be laid-back, you either:

1. need not to care about the things you're getting uptight about (which probably won't happen), or

2. need to feel like things are taken care of enough that you don't need to be stressed out all the time.

For 1, I don't know - maybe you can see if you are obsessing about things that don't actually matter. But I feel like that's sort of unreasonable/not going to happen. By this point in life, you know what matters to you, right?

For 2, I think either your partner needs to step up, you need to take care of things yourself, or you need to hire someone to take care of things. Any of those options would probably make you feel like you're in a position to relax more.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe a lot of you women should start acting like ladies instead of spoiled brats.

+1000

Maybe a lot of you men should stop being lazy shits? No? Okay.

Funny, we weren't lazy when you married us or you ignored it and now you want to complain about. The problem comes in when you start trying to control everything. You become a mother. Men want a wife not some control freak.

Yes you were. It just mattered less. We assumed you, like us, would step up once kids and a real household came into play.

This is idiotic. You assumed someone could be changed? That they would suddenly throw away their own experiences and ways of dealing with the world?

So many people have a hard time accepting a very difficult concept: You married the wrong person. You married someone who isn't right for you and now it is annoying to you that they won't become the partner you expected. It is a terrible situation but it isn't impossible. You either accept the person you chose or you decide to get out of it with dignity and next time...marry someone who is up to your standards and expectations. If not, stay single...forever.

You sound like my husband. I wasn't aware that laziness was a such a fundamental and deeply cherished character trait.

How about responding to the meat of this post. You married the wrong person.

Sure, I can respond to that if you like. I sometimes consider that I married the wrong person, but generally believe that I married the right person for a lot more reasons than would fall into the "wrong" category. One has to take the bad with the good. I also believe that all of us, including OP, including myself, could use improvement. "Stop nagging so much" is certainly a criticism that many women receive and do (or should) take to heart, just as "help out more" is one that many men could benefit from. Just as men want a wife/partner and not a "control freak," so do women want a husband/partner and not an albatross. Working (or struggling) to meet in the middle on those two things is part of marriage, not an invitation to divorce. And since I don't believe that most rational, mature people pride themselves on their laziness such that it rises to a "way of dealing with the world," yes, I do expect that people inside or outside a marriage will change along with their circumstances.

[Anonymous]

OP you and your DH need to get a hobby and do something new. That's the best way we stay fun and young together.

We ballroom dance weekly and it's been amazing for our relationship. Better than any marriage counselor. We have fun, we laugh, we work through problems (learning how to do moves) and we're working at something together. It also makes us see what an amazing person we married (such as DH is great at leading or I'm good at spinning).

I think you can do many hobbies, doesn't have to be dancing. I've seen this with some of my friends and golfing or their churches.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe a lot of you women should start acting like ladies instead of spoiled brats.

+1000

Maybe a lot of you men should stop being lazy shits? No? Okay.

Funny, we weren't lazy when you married us or you ignored it and now you want to complain about. The problem comes in when you start trying to control everything. You become a mother. Men want a wife not some control freak.

Yes you were. It just mattered less. We assumed you, like us, would step up once kids and a real household came into play.

This is idiotic. You assumed someone could be changed? That they would suddenly throw away their own experiences and ways of dealing with the world?

So many people have a hard time accepting a very difficult concept: You married the wrong person. You married someone who isn't right for you and now it is annoying to you that they won't become the partner you expected. It is a terrible situation but it isn't impossible. You either accept the person you chose or you decide to get out of it with dignity and next time...marry someone who is up to your standards and expectations. If not, stay single...forever.

You sound like my husband. I wasn't aware that laziness was a such a fundamental and deeply cherished character trait.

How about responding to the meat of this post. You married the wrong person.

Sure, I can respond to that if you like. I sometimes consider that I married the wrong person, but generally believe that I married the right person for a lot more reasons than would fall into the "wrong" category. One has to take the bad with the good. I also believe that all of us, including OP, including myself, could use improvement. "Stop nagging so much" is certainly a criticism that many women receive and do (or should) take to heart, just as "help out more" is one that many men could benefit from. Just as men want a wife/partner and not a "control freak," so do women want a husband/partner and not an albatross. Working (or struggling) to meet in the middle on those two things is part of marriage, not an invitation to divorce. And since I don't believe that most rational, mature people pride themselves on their laziness such that it rises to a "way of dealing with the world," yes, I do expect that people inside or outside a marriage will change along with their circumstances.

Thank you for answering. The point is that some people are simply "lazy" people and they see the world as a series of challenges to be avoided for as long as possible. If you don't have this world view it is difficult to understand why someone won't pitch-in and take charge of things. Yes, people should meet in the middle. Husbands and wives should work together, but that isn't the point. If you're married to a person who is already the wrong person, someone who won't do what it takes to make the marriage successful...then you're doomed to fail. It is very simply the very wrong person to have married. If you expect people to change with their circumstances, you have to marry a person who does change when circumstances call for it and not a person who avoids doing anything they don't absolutely want to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I heard something on the radio once, years ago when my kids were infant/toddler: Always make your DH *want* to come home.

So I thought about this, and really, why would he want to come him to me handing him a honey-do list and basically getting the second shift? Heck, he could stay at work where he doesn't get any backtalk and people do what he says without complaint, and look up to him.

I decided then and there; no more honey-do list. I do it myself, or I hire a handyman to do what I can't. Even when it's something he wants to do for himself (like, connect the new TV to the speakers etc, which of course, ends up getting all screwed up). He *says* he wants to do it himself, but you know, when he comes home and it's all done and ready to go, he does not sit around complaining about how he didn't get to assemble it.

I don't b***h about the mess he makes. I buy his favorite beer. I always kiss him goodbye in the morning, and in the evening I stop what I'm doing and go kiss him hello. (that is important; it's very primal, all social animals greet each other)

I just try and make it a nice experience for him to come home. I want him to think of it as a hotel.

At first it's hard because it feels a little unfair. But I just suck it up, and you let go of resentment when you see that your plan is working.

It's been about 8 years since implementing this plan, and he has said that coming home is like coming to an oasis. Our marriage is really strong--stronger than before implementing the plan. We have a lot of fun together!

This is the dumbest thing I ahve ever heard. Both partners should be makine the other want to come home. Sounds like you are a hired housemaid that gets to sleep in the bed if you are good enough.

I SAH, so obviously this plan would have to be tweaked for a dual-income couple. But the goal is the same: Figure out how to make your DH want to come home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I heard something on the radio once, years ago when my kids were infant/toddler: Always make your DH *want* to come home.

So I thought about this, and really, why would he want to come him to me handing him a honey-do list and basically getting the second shift? Heck, he could stay at work where he doesn't get any backtalk and people do what he says without complaint, and look up to him.

I decided then and there; no more honey-do list. I do it myself, or I hire a handyman to do what I can't. Even when it's something he wants to do for himself (like, connect the new TV to the speakers etc, which of course, ends up getting all screwed up). He *says* he wants to do it himself, but you know, when he comes home and it's all done and ready to go, he does not sit around complaining about how he didn't get to assemble it.

I don't b***h about the mess he makes. I buy his favorite beer. I always kiss him goodbye in the morning, and in the evening I stop what I'm doing and go kiss him hello. (that is important; it's very primal, all social animals greet each other)

I just try and make it a nice experience for him to come home. I want him to think of it as a hotel.

At first it's hard because it feels a little unfair. But I just suck it up, and you let go of resentment when you see that your plan is working.

It's been about 8 years since implementing this plan, and he has said that coming home is like coming to an oasis. Our marriage is really strong--stronger than before implementing the plan. We have a lot of fun together!

I SAH, so obviously this plan would have to be tweaked for a dual-income couple. But the goal is the same: Figure out how to make your DH want to come home.

This is the dumbest thing I ahve ever heard. Both partners should be makine the other want to come home. Sounds like you are a hired housemaid that gets to sleep in the bed if you are good enough.

Not PP1. The dumbest thing I have heard is you saying that she is a hired housemaid because she is taking care of her DH. It does not matter if you are a WOHM or a SAHM - (or a WOHD or SAHD) - what you need to do is remove discord and stress from your house and have a successful married life. Every person is different and the no two couple are alike. She has stated what she does for her DH. But, I can bet that her DH is a good husband that makes her want to do nice stuff for him.

Making your DHs life miserable is serving what purpose? Is your marriage so lacking in love for your spouse that you are not willing to do nice things for them unless there is some equal reciprocity?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I heard something on the radio once, years ago when my kids were infant/toddler: Always make your DH *want* to come home.

So I thought about this, and really, why would he want to come him to me handing him a honey-do list and basically getting the second shift? Heck, he could stay at work where he doesn't get any backtalk and people do what he says without complaint, and look up to him.

I decided then and there; no more honey-do list. I do it myself, or I hire a handyman to do what I can't. Even when it's something he wants to do for himself (like, connect the new TV to the speakers etc, which of course, ends up getting all screwed up). He *says* he wants to do it himself, but you know, when he comes home and it's all done and ready to go, he does not sit around complaining about how he didn't get to assemble it.

I don't b***h about the mess he makes. I buy his favorite beer. I always kiss him goodbye in the morning, and in the evening I stop what I'm doing and go kiss him hello. (that is important; it's very primal, all social animals greet each other)

I just try and make it a nice experience for him to come home. I want him to think of it as a hotel.

At first it's hard because it feels a little unfair. But I just suck it up, and you let go of resentment when you see that your plan is working.



It's been about 8 years since implementing this plan, and he has said that coming home is like coming to an oasis. Our marriage is really strong--stronger than before implementing the plan. We have a lot of fun together!

I SAH, so obviously this plan would have to be tweaked for a dual-income couple. But the goal is the same: Figure out how to make your DH want to come home.

I think you are a genius. Thanks for posting this. I have a wonderful husband who I don't appreciate enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I heard something on the radio once, years ago when my kids were infant/toddler: Always make your DH *want* to come home.

So I thought about this, and really, why would he want to come him to me handing him a honey-do list and basically getting the second shift? Heck, he could stay at work where he doesn't get any backtalk and people do what he says without complaint, and look up to him.

I decided then and there; no more honey-do list. I do it myself, or I hire a handyman to do what I can't. Even when it's something he wants to do for himself (like, connect the new TV to the speakers etc, which of course, ends up getting all screwed up). He *says* he wants to do it himself, but you know, when he comes home and it's all done and ready to go, he does not sit around complaining about how he didn't get to assemble it.

I don't b***h about the mess he makes. I buy his favorite beer. I always kiss him goodbye in the morning, and in the evening I stop what I'm doing and go kiss him hello. (that is important; it's very primal, all social animals greet each other)

I just try and make it a nice experience for him to come home. I want him to think of it as a hotel.

At first it's hard because it feels a little unfair. But I just suck it up, and you let go of resentment when you see that your plan is working.

It's been about 8 years since implementing this plan, and he has said that coming home is like coming to an oasis. Our marriage is really strong--stronger than before implementing the plan. We have a lot of fun together!

I SAH, so obviously this plan would have to be tweaked for a dual-income couple. But the goal is the same: Figure out how to make your DH want to come home.

This is the dumbest thing I ahve ever heard. Both partners should be makine the other want to come home. Sounds like you are a hired housemaid that gets to sleep in the bed if you are good enough.

Not PP1. The dumbest thing I have heard is you saying that she is a hired housemaid because she is taking care of her DH. It does not matter if you are a WOHM or a SAHM - (or a WOHD or SAHD) - what you need to do is remove discord and stress from your house and have a successful married life. Every person is different and the no two couple are alike. She has stated what she does for her DH. But, I can bet that her DH is a good husband that makes her want to do nice stuff for him.

Making your DHs life miserable is serving what purpose? Is your marriage so lacking in love for your spouse that you are not willing to do nice things for them unless there is some equal reciprocity?

For so many, this is exactly the problem. Doing so misses one of the greatest opportunities in marriage. Personal growth. I truly believe marriage is a path to enlightenment but only if I'm open to learning about myself through the process of anchoring myself to another person for better OR worse.

[Anonymous]

LET.IT.GO. That is the secret to being laid back. I have a little secret. The house does not need to be perfect. You can have dust bunnies in the corner. The kids rooms can be messy.

When you die, do you want everyone at your funeral to be thinking what a clean house she had or thinking about all the great times they spend with you?

Life is too short. Live it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All my mom friends seem to agree that our husbands make messes that drive us bonkers. And the little tasks that he needs to do never get done. Insert whatever here. Such as, getting the new webcam on the network that we got three weeks ago ( he wanted a webcam over a wireless monitor), so for three weeks, there's no way to monitor the baby while sleeping on another floor. I tried to do it, can't get video. Defer to husband who picked out the GD camera.

Just an example that represents many, many issues. But in these situations, how do I be the fun partner? Wine helps. I tried to just do it myself, and while I'm intelligent, this sh** isn't working. How can I be a fun wife, non-micro-managing bitch, and keep my sanity?

You Let. It. Go.
Do you really think it's necessary to monitor a baby while s/he sleeps?

[Anonymous]

i have this problem OP so totally understand. I have learned that if it is important to me i get it done myself and don't depend on DH. I try to give "hands off" topics with minimal nagging from me. The yard is his. There has been a mess in the backyard for YEARS and i finally broke down and ranted about it and he defended himself but did start to clean it up. So areas that you can tolerate and leave him alone, try to keep that up. But if you really care about certain things either do it yourself, hire someone or get the kids to help.

I'm still not a lot of fun as i am the master of all details in the house. i like the idea of starting a hobby with dh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I heard something on the radio once, years ago when my kids were infant/toddler: Always make your DH *want* to come home.

So I thought about this, and really, why would he want to come him to me handing him a honey-do list and basically getting the second shift? Heck, he could stay at work where he doesn't get any backtalk and people do what he says without complaint, and look up to him.

I decided then and there; no more honey-do list. I do it myself, or I hire a handyman to do what I can't. Even when it's something he wants to do for himself (like, connect the new TV to the speakers etc, which of course, ends up getting all screwed up). He *says* he wants to do it himself, but you know, when he comes home and it's all done and ready to go, he does not sit around complaining about how he didn't get to assemble it.

I don't b***h about the mess he makes. I buy his favorite beer. I always kiss him goodbye in the morning, and in the evening I stop what I'm doing and go kiss him hello. (that is important; it's very primal, all social animals greet each other)

I just try and make it a nice experience for him to come home. I want him to think of it as a hotel.

At first it's hard because it feels a little unfair. But I just suck it up, and you let go of resentment when you see that your plan is working.

It's been about 8 years since implementing this plan, and he has said that coming home is like coming to an oasis. Our marriage is really strong--stronger than before implementing the plan. We have a lot of fun together!

I SAH, so obviously this plan would have to be tweaked for a dual-income couple. But the goal is the same: Figure out how to make your DH want to come home.

And who does this for you?