I want to be the fun laid back wife. Please tell me how.

[Anonymous]

I'm so glad I married someone who lived on his own for many years after college. He also went to boarding school in high school so he learned to clean up after himself and do laundry at an early age.
Mothers do a disservice to their sons when they continually clean up after them.

Having said that, I take care of all the bills otherwise they don't get paid. I also do the taxes because that wouldn't happen in time otherwise. DH filed extensions every year before we got married.
I clean up in the evenings while DH does the bath and bed time routine. I am also the one who cleans out spoiled food from the fridge.

[Anonymous]

Everybody has strengths and weaknesses. My husband is messy and can be a slack ass on certain things. On the other hand he is very driven and when he make a goal he reaches it. We have learned to delegate out shit that makes people argue; yard work and house cleaning. Before we had kids we went to counseling to see what we expected from each other as parents. Our views differed....I mean east and west differed. Had we not talked that out and met in the middle, we would have divorced years ago. You can't change who he inherently is, but you can voice your expectations. Being a lazy ass is just that. If there are some things you can let slide, do so. Don't harp on small stuff. During my 2nd pregnancy, DH kept putting off putting together a toddler bed and dresser. I called a handy man service and they took care of it pronto. My motto has been if you don't want to do it, be prepared to pay someone to do it and don't bitch about the cost.

[Anonymous]

OP here. So, this week was better. I just sucked it up and accepted I was going to have to do everything. I had an event this weekend, so I didn't clean up the crusted toddler dinner from the fabric ottoman from Saturday. Twice now he has let our toddler have a 2nd go at dinner with a spoon from the couch. I said that I would get to that when I was ready to get to it. I was going to be laid back.

But, I came back from running errands tonight, and there was the first mess, toddler dinner on the floor from tonight (he moves the high chair in front of the TV), and then he let her eat his dinner, which was chicken, rice, and salad, which was ALL. OVER. THE. COUCH.

We both know I'm cleaning it up. Why did it have to be like that? He's not a bad guy. We're both juggling a lot. There was just one cushion to sit on that wasn't covered in food. And, the toddler would wake up tomorrow and try to eat it.

So, I cried. It was a rough day.

[Anonymous]

OP, you have been on my mind since I read this update. I really feel for you. You sound tired and defeated. I'm sorry this is happening. I want you to find some strength and schedule a sit-down with your husband, bc what you're describing isn't working for you.

And before "hotel" poster or "just figure out a way to do everything yourself" posters chime in, read OP's update. This isn't working for HER.

You say your husband is a good guy. I bet you're right. But even good people push boundaries when they're able. Leaving food for you to clean up on the furniture is a serious departure from parenting skills. Even if DH isn't the primary caregiver (although don't you both work?), this isn't OK. You want to be "fun and laid back"; ask yourself what you need for that to happen, and be honest. Eating shit with a spoon and smiling through it isn't for everyone.

Life with little kids is hard, and I agree with all above advice about being careful not to criticize husband's efforts, making home environment welcoming, etc. But a truth I've accepted is that ultimately I have to be my own advocate for what I need. This take some energy. You may need a third party to help you. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

How did our parents do it? My mother said for the first few years of her marriage to my father she tried to keep the "perfect" house. Then she decided it wasn't possible, that a bit of disorder was necessary if only to keep everyone's sanity. I have taken that lesson to heart. I no longer insist on terrorizing everyone in my family into making sure the house is spotless, nor get upset about shoes by the door. I just let some things ride. My kids don't clean their room - it's their mess to live in not mine. The garage is my husband's space, he can keep it as he likes. And we are all happy!

[Anonymous]

OP - I was ready to chime in and commiserate until I read about food on the couch. At my house, that's totally the kind of BS I would pull because I'm the slovenly one. I knew my husband wasn't the type of person who gets lots of stuff done quickly. Not sure how to explain that, but when you see guys who have made coffee, gone to Home Depot, washed the car and are out working in the yard by 9am, that's not my husband. I knew what I was getting.

At our house, I am the laid back wife because my husband does all the day to day stuff that keeps our lives running. Because of him we have groceries to eat, clean clothes to wear, lawn is mowed, bills are paid, car is registered and always full of gas, dishes get washed, floors and counters are clean, sheets and towels get changed on a schedule, etc. His part of running our household is all the regular recurring things. No deadlines per say, but also the work never ends.

I am in charge of any "special projects". I planned our wedding, plan vacations, register us for baby classes and day care tours. I plan activities that require tickets or inviting people over. I do Christmas cards and Dr appts and dinner reservations - basically anything that needs to be done once and by a certain date. Sometimes I need help with these tasks or it is big enough that I give him one thing to take care of to be involved. I didn't have a rehearsal dinner venue until 2 weeks before our wedding. I left on my 3 week honeymoon without confirmation that we had hotels for the last 4 nights and I'm having a baby in 8 weeks and still don't have a baby monitor or car seat install check appointment. He's a lucky guy, things always get done in time, but sometimes it makes me nervous waiting. With the exception of getting the car seat check, I just rely on natural consequences. He didn't buy a new grill for 5 weeks after we discovered the one we had was unusable. It's his friends we haven't had over.

Basically - If it's not endangering anyone's safety and it's not costing us money, I let it go. I guarantee I will not have a video monitor set up before the baby comes and likely not until the afternoon of the day we agree to move the baby out of the bassinet and into his crib. Thankfully I know my husband well and I have a cheap audio monitor in the closet ready for the inevitable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - I was ready to chime in and commiserate until I read about food on the couch. At my house, that's totally the kind of BS I would pull because I'm the slovenly one. I knew my husband wasn't the type of person who gets lots of stuff done quickly. Not sure how to explain that, but when you see guys who have made coffee, gone to Home Depot, washed the car and are out working in the yard by 9am, that's not my husband. I knew what I was getting.

At our house, I am the laid back wife because my husband does all the day to day stuff that keeps our lives running. Because of him we have groceries to eat, clean clothes to wear, lawn is mowed, bills are paid, car is registered and always full of gas, dishes get washed, floors and counters are clean, sheets and towels get changed on a schedule, etc. His part of running our household is all the regular recurring things. No deadlines per say, but also the work never ends.

I am in charge of any "special projects". I planned our wedding, plan vacations, register us for baby classes and day care tours. I plan activities that require tickets or inviting people over. I do Christmas cards and Dr appts and dinner reservations - basically anything that needs to be done once and by a certain date. Sometimes I need help with these tasks or it is big enough that I give him one thing to take care of to be involved. I didn't have a rehearsal dinner venue until 2 weeks before our wedding. I left on my 3 week honeymoon without confirmation that we had hotels for the last 4 nights and I'm having a baby in 8 weeks and still don't have a baby monitor or car seat install check appointment. He's a lucky guy, things always get done in time, but sometimes it makes me nervous waiting. With the exception of getting the car seat check, I just rely on natural consequences. He didn't buy a new grill for 5 weeks after we discovered the one we had was unusable. It's his friends we haven't had over.

Basically - If it's not endangering anyone's safety and it's not costing us money, I let it go. I guarantee I will not have a video monitor set up before the baby comes and likely not until the afternoon of the day we agree to move the baby out of the bassinet and into his crib. Thankfully I know my husband well and I have a cheap audio monitor in the closet ready for the inevitable.

You're not laid back, you're lazy and you take advantage of your husband.

[Anonymous]

Read or listen to Joyce Myers and her views on Enjoying Everday Life. She says that she often would get resentful and angry at her husband for playing golf or for playing with the kids when she was stressed out about cleaning and having the perfect home. She learned that it isn't a Christian or godly way to live your life, to not enjoy your life and to complain, that complaining is a sin. Your kids are only young once, so stop trying to be the perfect Martha Stewart and have fun with them and your husband.

Men sometimes will out their wives in a position to be their moms, especially when they hit 50 and have a midlife crisis. Don't let your husband do that to you. You are his wife and partner and not his mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - I was ready to chime in and commiserate until I read about food on the couch. At my house, that's totally the kind of BS I would pull because I'm the slovenly one. I knew my husband wasn't the type of person who gets lots of stuff done quickly. Not sure how to explain that, but when you see guys who have made coffee, gone to Home Depot, washed the car and are out working in the yard by 9am, that's not my husband. I knew what I was getting.

At our house, I am the laid back wife because my husband does all the day to day stuff that keeps our lives running. Because of him we have groceries to eat, clean clothes to wear, lawn is mowed, bills are paid, car is registered and always full of gas, dishes get washed, floors and counters are clean, sheets and towels get changed on a schedule, etc. His part of running our household is all the regular recurring things. No deadlines per say, but also the work never ends.

I am in charge of any "special projects". I planned our wedding, plan vacations, register us for baby classes and day care tours. I plan activities that require tickets or inviting people over. I do Christmas cards and Dr appts and dinner reservations - basically anything that needs to be done once and by a certain date. Sometimes I need help with these tasks or it is big enough that I give him one thing to take care of to be involved. I didn't have a rehearsal dinner venue until 2 weeks before our wedding. I left on my 3 week honeymoon without confirmation that we had hotels for the last 4 nights and I'm having a baby in 8 weeks and still don't have a baby monitor or car seat install check appointment. He's a lucky guy, things always get done in time, but sometimes it makes me nervous waiting. With the exception of getting the car seat check, I just rely on natural consequences. He didn't buy a new grill for 5 weeks after we discovered the one we had was unusable. It's his friends we haven't had over.

Basically - If it's not endangering anyone's safety and it's not costing us money, I let it go. I guarantee I will not have a video monitor set up before the baby comes and likely not until the afternoon of the day we agree to move the baby out of the bassinet and into his crib. Thankfully I know my husband well and I have a cheap audio monitor in the closet ready for the inevitable.

I agree. My husband does ZERO of the things you listed your husband does.

You're not laid back, you're lazy and you take advantage of your husband.

[Anonymous]

Your husband needs to be cleaning the couch if he's the one that let the toddler eat there. Why won't he clean it up?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Having said that, I take care of all the bills otherwise they don't get paid. I also do the taxes because that wouldn't happen in time otherwise. DH filed extensions every year before we got married.
I clean up in the evenings while DH does the bath and bed time routine. I am also the one who cleans out spoiled food from the fridge.

You picked him.

[Anonymous]

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[Anonymous]

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
For 2, I think either your partner needs to step up, you need to take care of things yourself, or you need to hire someone to take care of things. Any of those options would probably make you feel like you're in a position to relax more.

Good luck!

Or OP could try to actually communicate with her husband about her issues with his behavior. You know, like a rational adult working out a disagreement with an equal?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It seems to me that part of being laid back (and being fully adult) is taking full responsibility for your own priorities. If the webcam is your priority, it's your priority. Prioritize it. Meaning, your job. Not his. Nagging him and getting angry rather than picking up the phone and calling a handyman? I truly don't get this choice. You choose your stress level Op.

A-freakin'-men

this x1000

you two may not share the same priorities, and if he doesn't think something is so important, then he doesn't. There is some subjective room for debate here.

He is wrong to passive-aggressively agree to do these things but you still have to take responsibility for your own priorities. It's easy to get worked up when it's always somebody else's job to get it done....you might find that these things aren't such a big deal to you when you have to do them all yourself, for yourself and you realize it's not so easy.