I want to be the fun laid back wife. Please tell me how.

[Anonymous]

All my mom friends seem to agree that our husbands make messes that drive us bonkers. And the little tasks that he needs to do never get done. Insert whatever here. Such as, getting the new webcam on the network that we got three weeks ago ( he wanted a webcam over a wireless monitor), so for three weeks, there's no way to monitor the baby while sleeping on another floor. I tried to do it, can't get video. Defer to husband who picked out the GD camera.

Just an example that represents many, many issues. But in these situations, how do I be the fun partner? Wine helps. I tried to just do it myself, and while I'm intelligent, this sh** isn't working. How can I be a fun wife, non-micro-managing bitch, and keep my sanity?

[Anonymous]

One of two ways usually works for me.

1. Engage.
Try to do it yourself in front of him or when he is home to see if he will step up to the plate and do it himself or at the least help you. If not, pour yourself a glass of wine and laugh and try yourself for a few minutes, then Go ask him a question about directions' paragraph #4 and coerce him or ask him to please help you hold the whatever part to get him in the same room as the project.

If these do not work I am assuming he may be like my husband and just not wanting to admit that he doesn't know how or frankly maybe doesn't want to complete the project. So then go to number two.

2. Hire.
Just hire someone and be done. And then drink wine and be the fun laid back wife you are.

You are holding onto resentment with each day that passes that the camera is not on and that is not fun for him or you.

[Anonymous]

She doesn't exist OP.
Go read "Gone Girl."

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I don't blame you for being a little peeved at your hubby for not getting things done that are easier for him than for you to do. I mean, if he would just do certain things like the webcam like you mentioned, it would make both of your lives easier in the long run and ease a lot of unnecessary stress.

It seems men cause a lot of undue stress themselves w/out realizing it, then of course the woman gets the blame since she is the one seen as the nag.

In order for a husband + wife to peacefully co-exist, there always has to be some give and take on both ends so yes, you will have to keep your mouth shut at times when your husband doesn't do certain things as he should, but I also believe that he also should make certain compromises on HIS end as well. Why should you be the only one who needs to change OP?

After all, marriage is a team effort.

Good Luck.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry. With a DH like this you actually can't be the fun laid back wife, because he is not being the responsible, helpful partner you would need for that. So you have to pick your battles. Web cam - I would say very seriously "if you don't do it by the end of the day today I am buying a monitor." Other less important things (like messes within reason) you just ignore. Make sure you are taking care of yourself and getting somewhat equal leisure time. This may mean you have to lower your standards about things like cleanliness and cooking. And don't expect DH to step up and give you the afternoon off - just make plans and tell him you are leaving.

That is the way it works in my house, anyway!

[Anonymous]

It seems to me that part of being laid back (and being fully adult) is taking full responsibility for your own priorities. If the webcam is your priority, it's your priority. Prioritize it. Meaning, your job. Not his. Nagging him and getting angry rather than picking up the phone and calling a handyman? I truly don't get this choice. You choose your stress level Op.

[Anonymous]

I don't know if that is possible, OP, particularly if you have a very young child. I am definitely not the "fun, laid back wife" right now w/ a 2.5 toddler and a newborn, not to mention the hormones and sleep exhaustion from exclusively pumping. I've only seen one fun laid back wife and it was our former neighbor who had 3 kids but she had a full-time nanny and both sets of grand parents at her beck and call on top of plenty of out-sourced help. For example, she told me at a block party that the best thing she ever spent her money on was the dog poop scooping service.

I also get to be the "mad mommy" and daddy gets to be "happy daddy" according to our toddler. I attribute that to the fact that he can take things as they come b/c I'm the one who is responsible for more of the logistics around the house.

[Anonymous]

One good thing is to not criticize the way he does things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One good thing is to not criticize the way he does things.

+1 and accept that YOU are not perfect either. there are probably at least a few tings your DH thinks you don't do well or to his liking. satisfaction in a household and marriage is not a one-way street.

[Anonymous]

I heard something on the radio once, years ago when my kids were infant/toddler: Always make your DH *want* to come home.

So I thought about this, and really, why would he want to come him to me handing him a honey-do list and basically getting the second shift? Heck, he could stay at work where he doesn't get any backtalk and people do what he says without complaint, and look up to him.

I decided then and there; no more honey-do list. I do it myself, or I hire a handyman to do what I can't. Even when it's something he wants to do for himself (like, connect the new TV to the speakers etc, which of course, ends up getting all screwed up). He *says* he wants to do it himself, but you know, when he comes home and it's all done and ready to go, he does not sit around complaining about how he didn't get to assemble it.

I don't b***h about the mess he makes. I buy his favorite beer. I always kiss him goodbye in the morning, and in the evening I stop what I'm doing and go kiss him hello. (that is important; it's very primal, all social animals greet each other)

I just try and make it a nice experience for him to come home. I want him to think of it as a hotel.

At first it's hard because it feels a little unfair. But I just suck it up, and you let go of resentment when you see that your plan is working.

It's been about 8 years since implementing this plan, and he has said that coming home is like coming to an oasis. Our marriage is really strong--stronger than before implementing the plan. We have a lot of fun together!

I SAH, so obviously this plan would have to be tweaked for a dual-income couple. But the goal is the same: Figure out how to make your DH want to come home.

[Anonymous]

Omg pp, a hotel, really? Is this 1955?

[Anonymous]

The problem with the "honey-do" list or pestering him to "help" you is ... he's not your "helper." It implies a dynamic where you are in charge, and a task master. But you're not in charge of the house or the household -- it's supposed to a partnership. Notice he probably doesn't hand you a list of things to do: "Go shopping, clean behind refrigerator, paint shelf, sweep patio."

What's funny is my wife will often see me doing something, and the promptly ask me to do it. For example, I am up on a latter, changing the light bulbs in the ceiling light. She'll go, "Oh, I meant to ask you to change the bulbs." And for good measure she'll add, "and be sure to use 75 watts." And I'm like, "I know, woman!"

Another example is laundry. I'll get the laundry started and come downstairs to fix breakfast for the kids while she's sleeping in. She'll come down later and bitch at me while I'm folding the whites and separating the darks for the next load to complain that I left the kitchen a mess, and by the way be sure to separate the navy and reds.

So, OP, if you're like this, learn to stop it. It's maddening.

[Anonymous]

ladder, not latter. obviously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I heard something on the radio once, years ago when my kids were infant/toddler: Always make your DH *want* to come home.

So I thought about this, and really, why would he want to come him to me handing him a honey-do list and basically getting the second shift? Heck, he could stay at work where he doesn't get any backtalk and people do what he says without complaint, and look up to him.

I decided then and there; no more honey-do list. I do it myself, or I hire a handyman to do what I can't. Even when it's something he wants to do for himself (like, connect the new TV to the speakers etc, which of course, ends up getting all screwed up). He *says* he wants to do it himself, but you know, when he comes home and it's all done and ready to go, he does not sit around complaining about how he didn't get to assemble it.

I don't b***h about the mess he makes. I buy his favorite beer. I always kiss him goodbye in the morning, and in the evening I stop what I'm doing and go kiss him hello. (that is important; it's very primal, all social animals greet each other)

I just try and make it a nice experience for him to come home. I want him to think of it as a hotel.

At first it's hard because it feels a little unfair. But I just suck it up, and you let go of resentment when you see that your plan is working.

It's been about 8 years since implementing this plan, and he has said that coming home is like coming to an oasis. Our marriage is really strong--stronger than before implementing the plan. We have a lot of fun together!

I SAH, so obviously this plan would have to be tweaked for a dual-income couple. But the goal is the same: Figure out how to make your DH want to come home.

This is great advice. It works. I would add stop griping with your friends about him. You may not realize it, but it builds resentment.

[Anonymous]

YouTube is your best friend, better at any home tech/improvement jobs than most husbands. I even replaced an iPhone battery and antenna following the videos there and at iFixit. If all fails, hire help.

These days husband knows that he only has a small window to get things done himself. He sits on them a lot less. Still, we have parts in the basement from unfinished projects.