I want to be the fun laid back wife. Please tell me how.

[Anonymous]

You could put a plastic cover on the couch. It's easier to clean.
Personally I would get rid of the TV. Yeah, I like to escalate things when nothing is working.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. So, this week was better. I just sucked it up and accepted I was going to have to do everything. I had an event this weekend, so I didn't clean up the crusted toddler dinner from the fabric ottoman from Saturday. Twice now he has let our toddler have a 2nd go at dinner with a spoon from the couch. I said that I would get to that when I was ready to get to it. I was going to be laid back.

But, I came back from running errands tonight, and there was the first mess, toddler dinner on the floor from tonight (he moves the high chair in front of the TV), and then he let her eat his dinner, which was chicken, rice, and salad, which was ALL. OVER. THE. COUCH.

We both know I'm cleaning it up. Why did it have to be like that? He's not a bad guy. We're both juggling a lot. There was just one cushion to sit on that wasn't covered in food. And, the toddler would wake up tomorrow and try to eat it.

So, I cried. It was a rough day.

Your husband is a pig. I don't know if I would be able to put up with that. I disagree with the posters that are saying to let it go. Pretty soon you will have vermin and ants in your living room.
Just curious, do you ever have dinner together as a family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. So, this week was better. I just sucked it up and accepted I was going to have to do everything. I had an event this weekend, so I didn't clean up the crusted toddler dinner from the fabric ottoman from Saturday. Twice now he has let our toddler have a 2nd go at dinner with a spoon from the couch. I said that I would get to that when I was ready to get to it. I was going to be laid back.

But, I came back from running errands tonight, and there was the first mess, toddler dinner on the floor from tonight (he moves the high chair in front of the TV), and then he let her eat his dinner, which was chicken, rice, and salad, which was ALL. OVER. THE. COUCH.

We both know I'm cleaning it up. Why did it have to be like that? He's not a bad guy. We're both juggling a lot. There was just one cushion to sit on that wasn't covered in food. And, the toddler would wake up tomorrow and try to eat it.

So, I cried. It was a rough day.

Um, yeah he is a bad guy. A good guy ALWAYS cleans up any mess that could attract bugs. A good guy cleans up after himself. My DH is getting his law firm off the ground and still would never dream of being in charge of our kids, letting them make a mess and then LEAVE IT THERE. I would (like to think I'd never marry a guy like this) divorce a guy over this. He's a horrible husband and a horrible father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Omg pp, a hotel, really? Is this 1955?

Yeah really. And who is making home a hotel for YOU, wife?
Are men such babies that in order for them to be functional in a marriage we have to make life not-real for them, but pretend it's a vacation???? Holy crap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I heard something on the radio once, years ago when my kids were infant/toddler: Always make your DH *want* to come home.

So I thought about this, and really, why would he want to come him to me handing him a honey-do list and basically getting the second shift? Heck, he could stay at work where he doesn't get any backtalk and people do what he says without complaint, and look up to him.

I decided then and there; no more honey-do list. I do it myself, or I hire a handyman to do what I can't. Even when it's something he wants to do for himself (like, connect the new TV to the speakers etc, which of course, ends up getting all screwed up). He *says* he wants to do it himself, but you know, when he comes home and it's all done and ready to go, he does not sit around complaining about how he didn't get to assemble it.

I don't b***h about the mess he makes. I buy his favorite beer. I always kiss him goodbye in the morning, and in the evening I stop what I'm doing and go kiss him hello. (that is important; it's very primal, all social animals greet each other)

I just try and make it a nice experience for him to come home. I want him to think of it as a hotel.

At first it's hard because it feels a little unfair. But I just suck it up, and you let go of resentment when you see that your plan is working.

It's been about 8 years since implementing this plan, and he has said that coming home is like coming to an oasis. Our marriage is really strong--stronger than before implementing the plan. We have a lot of fun together!

This is the dumbest thing I ahve ever heard. Both partners should be makine the other want to come home. Sounds like you are a hired housemaid that gets to sleep in the bed if you are good enough.

I SAH, so obviously this plan would have to be tweaked for a dual-income couple. But the goal is the same: Figure out how to make your DH want to come home.

This resonated with me. I'm an engaged DH--parenting, housework, upkeep, etc...But home is about the last place I want to be at the end of the day. No matter what I do, I walk into stress, anger, and chaos.

Yes, life is hard. Raising children is hard. Being a grown up is hard. Very often being at home with kids is the last place ANY of us want to be. You are not special and your marriage is not unique.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - I was ready to chime in and commiserate until I read about food on the couch. At my house, that's totally the kind of BS I would pull because I'm the slovenly one. I knew my husband wasn't the type of person who gets lots of stuff done quickly. Not sure how to explain that, but when you see guys who have made coffee, gone to Home Depot, washed the car and are out working in the yard by 9am, that's not my husband. I knew what I was getting.

At our house, I am the laid back wife because my husband does all the day to day stuff that keeps our lives running. Because of him we have groceries to eat, clean clothes to wear, lawn is mowed, bills are paid, car is registered and always full of gas, dishes get washed, floors and counters are clean, sheets and towels get changed on a schedule, etc. His part of running our household is all the regular recurring things. No deadlines per say, but also the work never ends.

I am in charge of any "special projects". I planned our wedding, plan vacations, register us for baby classes and day care tours. I plan activities that require tickets or inviting people over. I do Christmas cards and Dr appts and dinner reservations - basically anything that needs to be done once and by a certain date. Sometimes I need help with these tasks or it is big enough that I give him one thing to take care of to be involved. I didn't have a rehearsal dinner venue until 2 weeks before our wedding. I left on my 3 week honeymoon without confirmation that we had hotels for the last 4 nights and I'm having a baby in 8 weeks and still don't have a baby monitor or car seat install check appointment. He's a lucky guy, things always get done in time, but sometimes it makes me nervous waiting. With the exception of getting the car seat check, I just rely on natural consequences. He didn't buy a new grill for 5 weeks after we discovered the one we had was unusable. It's his friends we haven't had over.

Basically - If it's not endangering anyone's safety and it's not costing us money, I let it go. I guarantee I will not have a video monitor set up before the baby comes and likely not until the afternoon of the day we agree to move the baby out of the bassinet and into his crib. Thankfully I know my husband well and I have a cheap audio monitor in the closet ready for the inevitable.

You're not laid back, you're lazy and you take advantage of your husband.

I don't think PP is lazy...she and her DH have worked out a system that works for them. My DH is better at staying on top of the mundane tasks of life while I am better at the bigger picture things. We both contribute to the household tasks and we both get ample time to relax as well. But we are born pretty laid back, but also respect each other's "triggers" as we all have them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It seems to me that part of being laid back (and being fully adult) is taking full responsibility for your own priorities. If the webcam is your priority, it's your priority. Prioritize it. Meaning, your job. Not his. Nagging him and getting angry rather than picking up the phone and calling a handyman? I truly don't get this choice. You choose your stress level Op.

A-freakin'-men

this x1000

you two may not share the same priorities, and if he doesn't think something is so important, then he doesn't. There is some subjective room for debate here.

He is wrong to passive-aggressively agree to do these things but you still have to take responsibility for your own priorities. It's easy to get worked up when it's always somebody else's job to get it done....you might find that these things aren't such a big deal to you when you have to do them all yourself, for yourself and you realize it's not so easy.

This is all well and good and it IS good advice, but what is OP supposed to do when the things she prioritizes, like not having a food-crusted couch, can be so easily undermined by her husband? Presumably she feeds dinner to the kid in the highchair and cleans up food that the child spills because she prioritizes those things, but then her husband goes ahead and does whatever he wants, creating the problem that she has worked to avoid. I'm sure someone will say, then she should just feed the kid dinner every night herself, but come on. There has to be some respect for the priorities and desires of others when you live together in the same house. Build your own baby monitor, fine. This is different.

[Anonymous]

OP I think you would be a lot more fun and laid back if you weren't married to a lazy asshole

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
This resonated with me. I'm an engaged DH--parenting, housework, upkeep, etc...But home is about the last place I want to be at the end of the day. No matter what I do, I walk into stress, anger, and chaos.

Yes, life is hard. Raising children is hard. Being a grown up is hard. Very often being at home with kids is the last place ANY of us want to be. You are not special and your marriage is not unique.

Life with kids can be hard. The question is whether your spouse is making that baseline level of difficulty harder or easier. If the spouse is making it easier, but life is still hard, that's just life. If the spouse is making it harder still, that's a problem that needs to be fixed.